violet
Hi, I need to ask. I see consistent positive changes from my WS towards our kids, his job, the way he relates to his parents, his old hobbies are coming back, he is more at home and the way he treats me is nicer, kinder, considerate. Yet he continues to vacillate in his relationship with the OW. It's been maybe almost 3 years ( I really don't know exactly when this started).

My question:   Is this a sign that his limerence is starting to fade? If it is, then how long will this vacillation last? Has anyone had this kind of experience?..Please enlighten me.

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surviving
violet - I think the answer to your question is a big YES!  I know when my WH confessed and repented there was a change in his actions and treatment of my children and somewhat to me.  However, if your husband is still in contact with his AP, he will never completely choose you or her.  He needs to have NO contact, and I mean NO contact - no emails, texts, phone calls, coffee, etc.  When they have NO contact, they can make a better choice of who they want to be with, either you or the AP.  If he is seeing you both, he will keep wavering.  That is just my opinion, and the opinion of many books I read.  It is up to you where to draw the boundaries.
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violet
Hello Surviving, thanks for your reply. Yes I believe I am helping in making the affair last longer by wavering when it comes to sex. I can't seem to put my feet down for long, he pursues me relentlessly. But I have to let go! He is not acknowledging the affair like he used to and continues to be nice but evasive lately. I know in a few days he'll  reach out again so I need to prepare for that and really try and be strong and let him go. I'm so scared I'll lose him but seems like I lost him already and I also cannot live like this. Any tips on waking up the WS?
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sunflower07
Ive been in a similar place with my WS. I found out in Nov15 but he didn't really choose me until Jan16.

I can tell you this about the sex though, I did not turn him away and in fact I pursued him even though he was still in contact with the AP. Hysterical Bonding was part of what happened for me. He wasn't sleeping with her during this time period. I know this because he has barely left my side since November.

I'm not sure things would have worked out because lack of sexually intimacy was one of our problems. From everything I've read, intimacy for men starts with sex. I know this was true for my husband. Also, I felt like I was the one in control of this.

I think this was one of the biggest things that helped my husband make his choice mostly because the AP had always used sex against him.

Just something to think about. I know the 180 stuff says not to initiate and I did hold back emotionally from him at times but I didn't do it with sex.
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violet
Hello Sunflower. The thing is we never had sexual intimacy issues, we have a healthy sex life. It was more of that I lost interest in him first, did not appreciate his efforts, he felt that he was never good enough. Exactly what the OW gave him, by chasing him. However he never let go of me. At the height of the fog he treated me unkindly but the sex brings us back every week. like 4 days no talking to sex on the 5th day- were ok for 3 days then he withdraws as he focuses on her again. It's been three years and lately there is so much progress with all other aspects especially the kids. He is also consistently nice to me, and the sex is more emotional than wild- but I'm just so drained. I'm practically confident he is going to approach me again in a few days and he is relentless when I say NO.
Hysterical bonding- we did that the first few months I found out but you see there was a business involved that complicated things. I think they have separated 2x already this past 2 months. After  a 7 day no contact its back again. So I think i should just do 180. be nice and kind but no sex... Im afraid but it's been 3 years. Please help. give me tips
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sunflower07
Violet,

When you tell your story like this, the 180 makes perfect sense as your next step. Waiting 3 years for him to make up his mind is a long time. Did you ever write him a letter like they talk about?

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violet
Hi Sunflower07, yes I did write him a long letter. I actually did all the classic, begging, pleading, sex goddess thing, exposing, moral teaching everything. Some had small effects. I just planted some seeds in his head and he would vacillate every week he's getting closer to our family and has acknowldged to fixing his life. I've been to hell and back and am bone tired. I already told him I fell out of love. I have not called and txt, I went to school and am working too. Im taking care of me. this is draining me dry. As of now this is really for my kids.
When we are ok we are closer compared to before but still he goes back. He continues to be friendly but evasive. He doesnt want me to see his texting. He used to do it in front of me. I know he is going to approach me soon. I plan to do the 180 but am afraid this is the end because my pride is up and if he doesn't fight hard for me. Then were toast. Is there a post here abou 180? How are you and hubby doing now?
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sunflower07
Google 180 degrees in marriage and the list of what to do will come up. There was a post on it somewhere but I'm not sure where it is at.

Thank you for asking about my marriage. Well, my husband broke it off with his AP, as far as I can tell. I found out about the affair in Nov15. It took until Feb 1st for me to find out the full extent of the affair. I'm pretty sure I know everything now, can't believe there would be much else.

My husband is starting to shift from guilt to remorse. I just don't think the WS understands the pain that this causes to the BS. That's sort of where I'm at right now. Trying to get my husband to understand the depth of my pain. That is really hard to do without falling into the blame game.

There are things I still need my husband to do and at this point, he is unwilling. He still works at the same place with the AP and while he doesn't work with her, he can still run into her. He hasn't offered me passwords or access to his cell phone or email. He avoids answering when I bring up going to counseling. So, I'm going by myself. We will see if he decides to go with me when I actually leave for my appointment. It's scheduled for today.

I'm learning that my husband is extremely passive aggressive. This has been something we have struggled with our whole marriage. While things are better right now, I worry that we will slip back into our old patterns if we don't address the underlying issues in our marriage. I'm not giving up hope yet but I'm very worried.
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violet
Hi Sunflowe07, how long was your husbands affair? Did you ever do the 180? Are you not worried that he would slip given that he is not transparent and accountable yet? How long have you been in the roller coaster ride? You said he is shifting from guilt and remorse, how long has this been going on? Are you not worried that they are still in the same building with the OW? I think you should protect yourself and place some boundaries. My husbands affair has lasted so much longer than I want. I know that I have very much contributed to this longevity. I have been experimenting on different approaches, kept a progress diary and a habit diary for myself. I have found myself and am starting to love me again. Sorry I have too many questions Its just that I believe sometimes we need others to look into our situation and see the bigger picture, In a quest to save our marriage we sometimes get defensive or unable to accept reality and we cannot see that there is still something we need to do in order to protect what we have.. Try to consider. And advice or materials that you can share will be greatly appreciated. 
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sunflower07
His affair was about 8 months for the physical piece and about 18 months total. He had a very difficult time ending the texting piece with her. It took him about 3 months to do this after DDay. Details of his affair also trickled in.

I am very worried about the fact that he works in the vicinity with her. What I neglected to say is that for the most part, I am also in the vicinity as he and I work the same hours at the same place. She does not work the same hours that he does. His last encounter with her was about 3 weeks ago. He came to where I was working right after it happened and told me about it. It wasn't pretty. She saw he was wearing his wedding ring and she went bonkers. Fortunately, it is highly unlikely that I will ever run into her. There are more than 10,000 employees at our place of work.

I think he is being more transparent with me than he has ever been. We had a rough few days but I was finally able to tell him some of the things I need in order to regain trust.

I went to the MC without him. But then he wanted to know all the details etc when I got home. I don't really know why he isn't ready to go yet but he did tell me he is working towards it. So I have to believe him.

I feel like we are making progres.
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violet
I feel really happy for you sunflower07, seems like he is doing everything he can. Withdrawal is probably very hard and much harder for us CS because it's painful to see your spouse aching for another person. Sometimes I feel like giving up, I know that there are a lot of men out there who would love me thru thick and thin. But my children hold me hostage. I do know my husband is a good man doing a bad thing, I hold this as a character defect. But I am also only a human being who wants to have a peaceful life full of love and happiness.
It seems to me that you are given a shot at your marriage, take this as an opportunity to grow and see the factors that you have contributed to this affair. Be strong and try to understand him. I m really happy for you. I wish you both get through this and build a better marriage......For me, Im loosing hope.
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