PaperWalls
Just looking for input or opinions, maybe curious if anyone else here has tried something similar. Also not quite sure if this is the correct category so please move it if it isn't.

I am trying to decide if going after my triggers instead of avoiding them is a good idea or if it is even a healthy approach. What I have noticed myself doing is confronting my triggers when I recognize them. For example I know where her AP lives and it is on the normal path I would take if I was on that side of town. Since D-Day 1 month ago. I'm would take another route, but lately I've been started driving that way again. I was driving there before this happened and I'm taking it back I guess.

Another, and I hope I'm not going into too much detail here, is one of the pictures that I had seen. She was in sexual position and I would constantly see it in my mind whenever I closed my eyes or looked at her. One night recently when we were together I moved us into the same position. I know she knew what I was doing because it was a little hard for me to continue and she did ask me if I was alright or if I wanted to stop. I feel like I took back control and that vision doesn't bother me near as much anymore. 

I know I have a list of others that I want to do. These include things like going for a drink with her at the bar she would sometimes meet him at and have sex in the parking lot, or walk the trail in the park that they did before they went back to his house to be together.

I guess I just want to take back my life, her, and control of my emotions. I have never been the type of person run from their problems and I despise the weakness these triggers make me feel.

I do fear that it may cause some triggers for her or remind her of the affair, and maybe even reawaken some feelings. I definitely don't want her to feel like I'm punishing her either in some way. 

Sorry for the longer post. This was meant to be short, but it didn't end up that way. 
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TimT
I had one client who asked her unfaithful husband to take her to all the restaurants that he had visited with the affair partner so she could "reclaim" them and let their experience together be the most recent reality for him. That was helpful for her. Another took her husband to a park where he had made out with the affair partner and just held him for a while. It was healing for her, too.

Sounds like you are doing some of the same kind of reclaiming. I think it's great for you. It would NOT be helpful to everyone. Each person needs to give thought (maybe with some help) to what will be most helpful in processing triggers and painful memories.
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anthropoidape
I think that is totally healthy, at least as something to attempt. 

I have done similar things myself. For example, I have mentally run in full detail, like a movie in my head, everything they ever did or probably did. Not just the physical stuff but the conversations and all the rest. It was incredibly painful but it took power away from all those thoughts and memories. Just like you mentioned, I am just not as affected by the thoughts any more.

I also had a number of confrontations with the AP, and I never let a space belong to him when it belonged to me as well. 

And I definitely agree with Tim, it is not for everyone. For me it was necessary though I think.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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PaperWalls
Tim I'm glad that this is something you have seen before and have seen it to help as well. 

Anthropoidape glad to hear you took a similar approach as well and it seems to have done you good. I was doing the same thing with running everything through from beginning to end, but it was in an unhealthy and obsessive way. Of course in all of these situations I was probably putting him on a pedestal and imagining everything better for her than it truly was. 

I really think what I have done has helped me and will continue to if I approach it with the correct mindset. Taking back what control of myself and showing myself that the triggers can't actually hurt me. I can get through be in the same places and do the same things and nothing bad will happen to me and no harm will come to me from it.

But I can for sure see the other side where this might not be good for everyone. I have always been stubborn and refused to back down from a fight or challenge and I see no reason to approach triggers any differently.
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anthropoidape
I had the good fortune, in a sense, of knowing the AP pretty well and so knowing he had no character worth speaking of, which means that I never really thought he was better than me or anything. I did assume he was better in bed but apparently that is not really so either. He is okay at superficial charm but shows what's underneath often enough for that to wear off fast. What he does have is a quality I have come across a few times, a sort of cult-leader quality where most people find him a bit unpleasant or "off", but a small number of people really fall completely under his sway. These are pretty dangerous people in my experience. 

Anyway, that is specific to my case [smile] You are right about the mindset, it is not about torturing yourself it is about denying the affair any power, smashing its power over you right at its very foundation rather than slowly chipping away at it. It's: THIS HAPPENED. So be it. It's done.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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PaperWalls
Oh I actually know the AP pretty well too. Actually all 3 of us work together so that is a great situation I'm trying to figure out too. 

I know what you mean about about the "cult leader" personality too. Knowing what I do know I think this guy may be an actual sociopath. I had considered him a friend before I found out and he would invite us to parties and was always friendly and joking around with me. When she wasn't around he would joke around about how I'm such a stud or so manly and then say how lucky she was to have me. He actually invited us to his wife's birthday party too, which seems extra messed up. (I can't dwell on that too much because she did accept and we ended up going)

There's a lot more too from what she tells me, but I probably don't need to air out everything on here.
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anthropoidape
AP = BPD in my case. Sure of it. And really enjoyed having that secret over me.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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ALRUI
Cult leader analogy is very interesting indeed! I often wonder how my wifes AP with nothing going for him (overweight, no job, lives in moms basement, etc!) was/is able to attract so many women. As far as facing triggers head on some I have been forced to do, others I have avoided though not particularly on purpose - I HAVE to drive by his (moms) house to get to/from mine and when I go to bed every night I face one head on since they had sex once on our bed! Not sure I want to go to the woods where they had sex in his vehicle though we have had sex in other woods OUTSIDE of a vehicle (I couldnt do it in the car she offered in a text to have sex with him in previously).
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anthropoidape
Men in particular with BPD are particularly good at making someone feel intensely loved. It doesn't work on everyone (some of us have developed immunity from previous exposure maybe) but when it works it really works... for a while. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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AHmember113
The psychological term for this is desensitization,  I think.  For me it was time and repeated exposure to the same pictures, comments, places, etc that I purposely revisit often. I do believe it helped.
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