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Dirazz
I stated in an earlier post I really don't remember how things were working around our home. I couldn't function for seems like months. Then when I did it might be for an hour or two then back to extreme gut wrenching pain. My WH did everything including working full time taking care of me the kids, house and dogs. I thank God everyday that at almost 10 months the pain is gone. It's still has its moments of sadness, but in the end LOVE WON! It always does!
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Unregistered
Graceandhope wrote:
Btw I did not have a revenge affair.

However I have gaps in my memory from the first few months, experienced forgetfulness and completely forgot directions to a friends house. I took scalding hot showers in order to stop the bone cold that came from adrenaline rushes and help calm my nervous system. It felt like being in perpetual state of fight or flight. All while trying to hold it together for work and my kids. So I can see where given the perfect situation, my decision making skills might have been compromised.


Grace,

Me too! I've lost months of my life and don't remember Christmas, my birthday, etc from this year.

All I remember clearly is the circumstances of my husband's affair and aftermath.

Except for work. Work was my oasis.


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Negarcia
Unregistered wrote:


Grace,

Me too! I've lost months of my life and don't remember Christmas, my birthday, etc from this year.

All I remember clearly is the circumstances of my husband's affair and aftermath.

Except for work. Work was my oasis.




Same here. I ran out of gas while on my way to take my kids to school and to work, mind you my car tells me when I need gas, but my mind was in a bad state. My mind was all over the place. I couldn't work and kept forgetting to do things. Was obsessive compulsive.
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Kalmarjan
hmichelle wrote:


I'm sorry but I call BS (not betrayed spouse...) on the " I got a first hand look at what that was like".  Your wife was taken by complete surprise with what you did.  You had already destroyed her by the time she had her revenge affair.  There are concrete reasons why she did that.  You left her for the AP for crying out loud.  To say you understand what it feels like is not fair.  Before this happened to me I could never have fathomed the pain it can cause.  We are blindsided and devastated to a degree that I think cannot be put into words.  


Call BS if you like, it was how I felt.

Plus, think on it this way. Yeah, I blindsided her with an affair, and I had to take responsibility for my action, make amends, and reconcile.

Just because she was in a bad place doesn't give my BS a pass on doing the same to me (sleeping with someone outside of a relationship she was in.)

For sure, had I not cheated she probably wouldn't have done what she did. That doesn't excuse that she did it, and the impact that had on our marriage.

You have to take responsibility for your actions before you can make amends and make things better.
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Kalmarjan
Tim2014 wrote:
The point being made in this post is the wS leaves the home while its expected the bs should wait around ride the roller coaster til the end and not get on with life. You know the old adage what's good for the goose is good for the gander!it seems the wS thinks the bs should still honor their vows while they leave and carry on with the ap until such time they decide ok I'll come back now. I don't think it's a affair wasn't someone is abandoned for another person. It's called getting along with their life. They didn't ask to have that gigantic pile of crap dumped on them and now their left with all the wounds that infidelity bring with it. I agree with hmichelle


No, the point here is that we should not be surprised that there is a consequence for our actions.

Why is it okay for the BS to call foul that they were cheated on, yet expect that gives them a free pass to whatever they like. It's hypocrisy.

A revenge affair is a reaction to what was done to you. I think I've only read one time (here of all places) where the BS was glad they had the revenge affair. I certainly don't think it helps in any case.

Bottom line, in my black and white world, if you want to call foul about the behavior of someone, you'd better check your own behavior and make sure it's in line with what you are complaining against. Otherwise you're a hypocrite.
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Dirazz
We all have different views on things and that's what makes this forum so great. Do BS have the justification for having a revenge affair? Most people would say YES. But even though my husband lost his way, broke our vows, betrayed me. I was not going to lose my integrity or fail God just because he did. It's a choice. Just like my husband had a choice. I choose to stay on the right path. I choose to honor my vows!
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Heidi
I asked my husband once if he wishes I had a revenge affair, so things didn't seem uneven. (I wasn't offering to, btw, we were just shooting the breeze, reconciliation style). He said no, because he wouldn't wish on me the intense disgust he felt about himself. It wouldn't have taken away the pain, it would have added to it. 1+1 does not =0 after all.

I wonder if, rather like the original affair, it's the sign of somebody not having the right boundaries, or having something inside them that is a little broken (and I know some WS hate that term, but I can't think of another one).

Like the original affair I suspect it's an ego boost, an attempt to rebuild tattered self esteem. But as we are all learning, healthy self esteem comes from within.
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Guiltguilt
I've always known and braced myself for the possibility of someone else. It would be pretty ripe of me to think I have any grounds to complain.
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hmichelle
Lets be clear, I look at my own behavior every single day.  I have not and will not have a revenge affair.  I contemplated it...YES I DID!  Thankfully I was clear enough at the time not to drag an innocent bystander into my mess of a life.  And I stand by my original statement....BS.  You talk about how great your reconciliation is and then say what she did is the same or even others implying it was worse as malice was involved.  How can you read the statements of the other BS on this site and not understand the incredible gut wrenching horrible pain that you caused.  It blindsides a person like you have no idea.  And you do have NO IDEA.  You did not watch you spouse leave you for an AP from a marriage that of course has issues but was a marriage that should have been respected.  Your wife did.  I am willing to bet the revenge affair hurt her more than you.  So again BS.  She didn't even come close to inflicting the level of pain you did and to boot she now must look herself in the mirror knowing that she acted with less integrity than she wished she would have.  The worst pain you get to feel is the pain you brought on yourself.  
Yes, we are all adults but I get why people do it.  I have never felt more scared, unloved, undesirable, worthless in my entire life.  This is total crap what my idiot, selfish, love of my life husband did to me.  We are working hard and we will recover from this....but damn it, it hurts!  

I know you are on this site to help others but you often have a view that seems very set in stone.  I wonder if you feel like you are even still learning from us?  I am trying very hard to learn from you.  It is difficult as we have very, very different opinions on most things but I am trying desperately to understand the mindset of the WS.  But this site has given me more than what I was looking for.....I am in awe of women on this site like Anna and Heidi who managed not only to come through this but kept their dignity while doing so.  I feel comradery with women like Dirazz who have been hell on wheels and not afraid to show it.  I see the no holds barred mind set of Tim in this fight to make people see the injustice and I respect it.  I like reading that you eventually figured out what you, Kal, wanted and returned to face the destruction you caused and helped your wife find herself again.  There is so much to take from this site but you seem to sound as if you have it all figured out and that bugs me for some reason.  
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Anna26
Kalmarjan wrote:
No, the point here is that we should not be surprised that there is a consequence for our actions. Why is it okay for the BS to call foul that they were cheated on, yet expect that gives them a free pass to whatever they like. It's hypocrisy. A revenge affair is a reaction to what was done to you. I think I've only read one time (here of all places) where the BS was glad they had the revenge affair. I certainly don't think it helps in any case. Bottom line, in my black and white world, if you want to call foul about the behavior of someone, you'd better check your own behavior and make sure it's in line with what you are complaining against. Otherwise you're a hypocrite.



A revenge affair does seem hypocritical, and I've not done that. But I can also see that it's maybe not necessarily done out of 'revenge' and a need to cause pain in return, but more because you are in pain and needing some kind of comfort.  And that's what a BS isn't getting from their spouse sometimes, because they are the cause of the sorrow.
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Tim2014
I don't always write my posts politically correct. I just put it out there. But as I read the posts on here where there are bss male and female left behind trying to pull themselves out of the quagmire they have been placed in by their wS poor decisions, I can empathize with them if they go out on a date or have their needs met. It's not a revenge affair when a bs is alone waiting months sometimes years holding out hope that their wS will emerge from the fog. But yet it's like the wS thinks don't do as I did but remain true . It's that amazing I don't want you at the moment but no else can have you either. Most wS if truth be told found out their bs was moving on without them and was exploring the thought of someone new how fast they'd come out of the fog. You're no longer sitting around waiting hoping wishing that things will change. You have given up time to live life again. At some point all us bss just have enough of this crap.
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Negarcia
Dirazz wrote:
We all have different views on things and that's what makes this forum so great. Do BS have the justification for having a revenge affair? Most people would say YES. But even though my husband lost his way, broke our vows, betrayed me. I was not going to lose my integrity or fail God just because he did. It's a choice. Just like my husband had a choice. I choose to stay on the right path. I choose to honor my vows!


I am with you on this one. Just because he cheated doesn't mean we have to cheat but we have talked about doing things while we were in shock of finding out and that could be the reason the revenge affair was done but all in all it doesn't make it better. Kal and his wife obviously are working thier issues out and I think that is great, everyone's timeliness is different and it's up to that person to decide what they want. No matter what the reason we are all here is because even if we didn't cheat something went wrong and this place is great and helps us figure out and talk through our feelings of being betrayed and even to help us understand the mind service of cheated with out the excuses.
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Dirazz
We also talked about it in the first few weeks of the devastating shock. My husband said he wouldn't blame me if I did. That he deserved it. I asked if it would make him feel less shameful. He said NO that he doesn't want me to sink to his low level. At one point I left the house after an argument to take a drive. He thought I was going to meet up with a guy I was seeing before I met him. I came back 30 minutes later and he was in tears. He was so panicked that I was going to cheat he even tried looking through our cell bill to see if he found anything. He confessed that was the most horrible helpless feeling ever! He got a little taste of what it felt like and he was overwhelmed! I think that's when he got the first inkling of what I must be going through. Although I didn't mean for that to happen I'm kinda glad it did.
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