tessak

Does anyone else ever hop on here and just wish you could hear everyone’s thoughts on your situation without having to actually explain what’s going on now??
I’m so tired, and so emotionally drained... I hate that I want so badly to be with someone at which I can hardly even look... It almost feels that for every day that I wake up praying that it’ll finally be a good day and maybe I’ll finally gain  some clarity on any number of things that have to do with this mess, I go to bed with a little less self-respect... Because how can I want to stay and work things out with someone who has, by his affair and his “attempts” to help us heal from this, treated me worse than anyone else ever has? 
I know that I need to pull myself out of this funk and just force myself to take care of me... to  step outside my comfort zone a bit and actually go out with friends. The problem with that, is that because we weren’t actually married yet but share the same core group of friends, along with the fact that I’ve been living in a town 2 hours away from our hometown for so long (we were obviously in the middle of more than a few major life changes- baby, wedding planning, deciding where to build a home- before D-Day) and WS’s house is where I’d stay obviously, when I was home. So going out with friends, while not regressing in the parts of the 180 I’ve actually been able to achieve, seems impossible to do unless I invite myself to stay the night at someone else’s house... and who wants to be that person? Mutual friends won’t understand that I can’t make myself revert to staying in “his” house if we’re trying to work things out...
And because I’ve been off work for so long due to the complications with my pregnancy, the thought of approaching “work friends” who are close by, but don’t yet know about the affair and only ever saw us happy together, is anxiety-provoking... I can already hear the questions and see myself awkwardly pretending he’s still the saint they knew him as before I had to go on leave... Oh yeah!! Add in a seven year old who thinks she’s 17 all of a sudden; and her six month old tank of a brother who, let me tell you, decided after being a baby who slept for good 4-5 hour stretches since the day he was born, that now is the time to start being a “real” baby and waking up hungry all night long 🤪 and “friends day” options are pretty much nonexistent. (Sorry that got wordy, and a little whiny...) Imaginary friends?? Can I make one of them up again at my age, maybe? 😅

All that said, there’s really nothing specific I needed any advice on... unless someone has a trick as to how to I can deal with wanting starkly opposite things (“story” details, “end results”,  conversation with WS/to detach myself, etc.) all at once... That could be helpful. Really I’m just torn, and exhausted and probably just wanted to vent a bit...

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Blessedby7
I certainly get the exhausted feeling seeing as we've been passing around the same sinus stuff in my family for nearly six months, and every time the two year old gets it, I'm on the couch with him so he can sleep upright. Oh, and he has anger issues, yeah, he's two. Then add in a newborn (2 months old now) and postpartum hormones on top of that, and this is the time of year that triggers me hardest anyway. I totally feel you on not wanting to explain it all. And when you do, there's no way to explain all the nuances, so it either sounds better than you want it to, and makes you feel like you're just overreacting, or it sounds worse than you wanted and everyone jumps on the "run away" bandwagon (I'm totally not complaining here, I promise!)  Just me? Yeah, I I didn't think so.
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018, but major trigger dates are 10/5-10/7 (wedding anniversary) 
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tessak

Blessedby7 wrote:
I certainly get the exhausted feeling seeing as we've been passing around the same sinus stuff in my family for nearly six months, and every time the two year old gets it, I'm on the couch with him so he can sleep upright. Oh, and he has anger issues, yeah, he's two. Then add in a newborn (2 months old now) and postpartum hormones on top of that, and this is the time of year that triggers me hardest anyway. I totally feel you on not wanting to explain it all. And when you do, there's no way to explain all the nuances, so it either sounds better than you want it to, and makes you feel like you're just overreacting, or it sounds worse than you wanted and everyone jumps on the "run away" bandwagon (I'm totally not complaining here, I promise!)  Just me? Yeah, I I didn't think so.


Not just you in the slightest... And would it come across as being entitled to say that complaining (just on occasion) is something we should be allowed to do without judgment?? I’ll listen... complain away!! Haha 😅  

I think that’s why I can just sit and read these posts for so long sometimes, because I don’t feel the “run away” bandwagon here. It was actually the topic of an argument last week... I’ll call him “Joe” since neither fiancée nor WS feels right to say since the ‘S’ wasn’t really official... so “Joe” had a fit about a month ago, about me reading too many things or listening to too many podcasts or audiobooks that had to do with this particular topic... And I questioned whether or not he maybe had a point, so gave it all up for a few weeks... let me tell you, the downward spiral caused by not having that sense of community, or the hope that hearing/reading other people’s stories can bring, was devastating. Not only to me but to any progress we’d made in our relationship as well.  And to go to family or friends and discuss somethin uncomfortable that they don’t always understand feels like you’re being a burden sometimes. Especially after a few months have gone by and it still hurts so bad...

So complain away... should I change the topic title up above and see what happens? 😉

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Skelling
tessak, I so get the feeling of being exhausted. I just talked to our therapist sbout it. I am sure I aged 10 ears in the last year. I don't have a little one on top as my youngest is 5 but i do have a teenager which is not much better either 🙂. 

My husband once said, that reading "all the time" (like we really have that much spare time) in "my" forum just drags me down... I tried to explain to him that reading actually is a huge part, why we are still together because without the persepective here, i think I would have given up a few times already. It took him a while to actually see the value in it. 

Maybe you can try and explain to him, that it helps you and therefore is of his benefit. I know I struggled with the same thinking that he might have a point but there will come a time, when you will be able to pay forward to those who are just starting on this journey and I feel this really helps on the personal healing journey as well. 
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Blessedby7
I've not noticed the "run away" bandwagon here so much as some other places. This forum is the most levelheaded place I can be, quite frankly. When these guys say run away, I really do step back and take a look. 

I know for myself, if it hadn't been for this forum and a few other places, I'd have allowed everything to be swept under the rug, and probably would have just sat back and continued to take it, instead of working on myself and becoming stronger. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to leave because of the financial impact, and I see how sad he gets, and I still feel guilty (I know, I know what you are all going to say), but I AM stronger. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018, but major trigger dates are 10/5-10/7 (wedding anniversary) 
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