I'm writing a manual of important steps for betrayed spouses to take after learning about the affair. If you a personal example that helps illustrate this point, whether positive or negative, please post it here. Anyone can post here, but if you are a forum member (so I have access to your email) and your quote is used in the book, I'll send you a free copy of it once it's released.

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Did you establish any boundaries in regard to your relationship with the unfaithful partner? If so, what were they? What was the result? If not, what was your experience?
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Before we separated, I didn't stick with any boundaries that I tried to establish.   I found out about the affair two weeks after it began- it continued for six months with me knowing about it all along.  I always believed my husband when he said he was giving her up and wanted to work on our marriage.  I focused on doing anything and everything to control his behavior and contact with the AP.  I also remained very emotionally open with him and continued to be intimate with him, as it was really the only strong connection we had left, and I went into hyper drive taking care of things like laundry, meals, and going out of my way to do things like that for him.  After I found them together in her car one night I took our son and stayed at my mother in law's for the weekend.  I told him that we were done, that I didn't want to consider divorce but that I wouldn't stay with him until he could change... two days later he emailed me telling me how he wanted to change, he wanted to fight for our marriage, he would go to counseling, all the things I needed to hear... I set boundaries about him not having any contact aside from work, he would leave his job in two weeks, and I would have full access to his phone, emails, etc.  My son and I would stay at our home with him, but he would sleep in a separate room.  I continued to be very open with him emotionally because I was feeling extremely lonely and insecure- I only kept the boundary of him sleeping separately for two nights... and I think I lasted about five days after that when he began to show interest in becoming physical with me, and after that the boundaries quickly dissolved.  I was desperately insecure, and craving any kind of positive interaction, and desperate to do anything to save my marriage.  The result was that when I set boundaries I got a positive reaction from him, but I gave in way, way, way too quickly.  Which leads to where we are today- separated.  After backsliding a couple of times at the beginning of our separation with being intimate with him, I put my boundaries in place and they are not going anywhere.  Now I clearly see where not sticking to them has only hurt me, but I couldn't see it when I was in the middle of it.  I had to first gain some self confidence to understand that his showing me affection does not give me value- it only devalues me when I give into it, because there isn't any real significant emotion, connection, or devotion behind it.  Our separation right now includes very minimal contact- we almost go a week or longer without communicating at all, and then its only regarding finances or our son, and we go even longer in between actually being in each other's presence.  It feels like the exact opposite of what you would do to try to save your marriage, but its what I've heard time and time again.  Establishing boundaries (and actually sticking to them) allows me to continue to grow stronger as an individual because I'm finally saying what I will and will not stand for and what I am worth.  It is certainly not an easy thing to do, but now that I look back, I wish I had set my boundaries in concrete from the beginning and stuck with them.  I worry that my wavering did more damage to the hope of repairing my marriage.  
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