SuzieQ Show full post »
ghea00
Sending a virtual hug to you SuzieQ
Quote 0 0
Kalmarjan
Suzie, sorry you have to go through this. The worst part is that he is getting his back up over something he clearly doesn't understand will bother you. And why wouldn't it? He doesn't get that you are taking a huge risk, so of course you are going to be nervous.

So, here's the thing. If I needed something from a mall, and I knew that my AP was gonna be there... I'd go somewhere else. Period.

Why? Not to help my wife. (well, okay, I know it will help her, but that's not the point...) it's to help myself. I know if I go there I will be tempted. Perhaps I will talk to her again. It will be innocent. Next thing I know I'll be in a parking lot or a hotel. Perhaps not but perhaps. Why? Because I did it before. So, I don't go there.

I know deep down I am not attracted anymore, but that's also like a Heroin addict saying that he doesn't want another hit, but keeping a bunch of it in the drawer, "just in case..."

I am a lot better now, after 7 months of not seeing her, and 5 months of complete no contact. What would I do if I suddenly found myself in a room with her? I can say in wouldn't do anything... I know it deep down, but I owe it to myself and my family to never put myself in a situation where I can go off the rails again.

Picture it like this.... Samuel Jackson leaning over, in his pulp fiction get up, gun in hand...

"DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? "

"NO CONTACT."

"I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU TO SEE HER AGAIN!"

Not trying to make light of it, but just trying to highlight the seriousness of where he would be going if he went there. I have a Can of gasoline and matches, let's play a game. It's about the same thing.

The problem is perhaps he views it as entitlement. Well, he's entitled to do whatever the hell he wants. But, as we were talking about boundaries, he also has to pay for the consequences of his actions.

And you know what? Don't feel bad about your outburst. He earned it for being a dumbass. He sure wasn't making you feel safe, and then to throw it in your face. Boo hoo... Poor him. Don't take that from him, stand firm. Tell. Him that he is on eggshells until you feel like there isn't any risk to his actions. He earned that by straying, now he can man up and re earn your trust.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't be able to sell going to the same place as my AP to my wife. Hell, I wouldn't insult her intelligence that way. I. Just wouldn't go there. Nothing is worth losing what little trust and marriage I have left.
Quote 0 0
SuzieQ
So if the time has come to establish some strong boundaries, am I supposed to tell my spouse? Explain what they are? Or do I just decide, put them in place, and let him figure it out?
Quote 0 0
TimT
SuzieQ wrote:
So if the time has come to establish some strong boundaries, am I supposed to tell my spouse? Explain what they are? Or do I just decide, put them in place, and let him figure it out?

Sure, you can give an explanation to what you're doing and why. But these choices should not be presented as punishment for bad behavior. That's manipulative in an adult relationship. Instead, they should be communicated as choices of strength (you're strength). For example: "I am willing to work on our marriage, but I cannot do so when I do not feel safe or secure with you. Until you're willing or able to do your part in this, I need to focus on being healthy myself."

The one thing I encourage betrayed partners NOT to communicate is any kind of deadline for boundary choices. You should think of a reasonable timeline, but communicating it will probably evoke a defensive response since it will sound like an ultimatum. You're not threatening him. You are inviting him to participate in the repair of your marriage. If he is not willing to participate in a meaningful way, then you will need to move toward self-repair.
Quote 0 0