BrokenHearted
I want to preface this post by saying in no uncertain terms do I intend to excuse my WH's behavior, nor do I excuse his lack of character and 
Character deficiency by having his affair.  But I have had an epiphany which has made me see his affair a little differently.

I work 2 jobs, and #2 is delivering food. I had to call a customer from the driveway because they wouldn't answer the door. Finally he came to the door, and I gave him his food and went on my way .

2 days later I got a text from a number I didn't know. The text asked why my number was in their phone. I googled the number and it was the customer I had called about his food. I answered with that info and things got wierd from there.

He started heavily flirting with me. It felt exciting and good to know that he found me attractive. At no time were my responses anything more than innocent. Even though his were not. I finally told him for the 3rd time that I was married, and the messages stopped. He was 17 yrs my junior and very good looking (found this info on google).

I immediately showed my WH as soon as I could. I could tell he was upset. We talked and he said "of course I'm jealous that other men find my wife attractive. But honey it just means I need to step it up to make and keep you happy".

So my epiphany was this.... I didn't want it to stop. I was flooding with good feelings.  Feelings that I hadn't felt in a very long time. I thought, hmm... maybe that is what happened with my WH. Maybe that is what he was feeling when he crossed the line. The only difference is that I didn't cross the line. Even my WH agreed that it was just a one sided flirt.

So since that experience, I've seen things in a new light . Any WS out there that can offer up some opinions? Thank you.

Again  it doesn't excuse his affair, but it sheds light on how things could get out of hand very quickly .
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anthropoidape
I have had really unambiguous attention several times since d-day. I did before d-day as well I guess but I tuned it out more as I was "anchored" to my marriage and family. After d-day, I was much less anchored and the attention/opportunities had much more impact.

I have never acted on it. Only in one instance did I feel there was any real risk of anything getting out of hand, and it would still have had to be a completely conscious choice by me. It certainly wouldn't have been some mysterious accident.

I get what you mean though. I think I felt unanchored post d-day for very sound reasons. I think my wife felt unanchored pre-affair. Her reasons were nonsense but I guess the feeling still has validity.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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BrokenHearted
I have had really unambiguous attention several times since d-day. I did before d-day as well I guess but I tuned it out more as I was "anchored" to my marriage and family. After d-day, I was much less anchored and the attention/opportunities had much more impact.

I have never acted on it. Only in one instance did I feel there was any real risk of anything getting out of hand, and it would still have had to be a completely conscious choice by me. It certainly wouldn't have been some mysterious accident.

I get what you mean though. I think I felt unanchored post d-day for very sound reasons. I think my wife felt unanchored pre-affair. Her reasons were nonsense but I guess the feeling still has validity.


Anthro, same here before and after Dday, but nothing felt this intense. All I am saying is that if it weren't for my character, and strength especially after the h@ll I've been through, I can see how things can escalate to the point where a choice is made to either stay on your side of the street, or cross that line.
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anthropoidape


Anthro, same here before and after Dday, but nothing felt this intense. All I am saying is that if it weren't for my character, and strength especially after the h@ll I've been through, I can see how things can escalate to the point where a choice is made to either stay on your side of the street, or cross that line.


Yes. 

It's still hard to understand how people fail though. 

It is like if the kindergarten was on fire, you wouldn't leave until you'd gotten all the children out. I can see how someone might be tempted to cut and run, but I also can't really imagine how anyone could give in to that temptation. At a minimum you'd know you couldn't live with yourself if you let the children die. 

One of my friends - not a great person and not a friend any more - had sex with a prostitute when we were in our early twenties. We were both single at the time. It's not like he was cheating on anyone. I could see the temptation (no Tinder back then) but it wasn't very enticing. Among other things... I saw myself being asked by some future partner if I'd ever been with a prostitute, and wanted to be able to be truthful.

So. I get the temptation but don't really understand the lack of judgment. I guess I have a suspicion that cheaters are also the type who'd let the kindergartners fry. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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BrokenHearted
Yes Anthro,  the lack of judgement or character is very difficult to understand. I still do not understand it. But the addicting nature of the interaction IS enticing, and like an addict, people want more. The addict may KNOW it's wrong, however it's so powerful they are willing to risk everything for that intense high. I think it might be the same for  the WS. Don't truly understand why, because I'm not an addict. But I think I gained a nugget of insight out of this experience.
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