Melian

It’s been about a month and a half since full disclosure and about 3 since I first knew anything about the affair. I found out everything in an angry call from the other woman who was upset it was over. My husband was having a long distance affair for almost four years and he found opportunity on several occasions to turn things physical. We are now in marriage counseling but he isn’t talking much. He had at one point told the other woman he would do counseling as an act and when it failed, he would leave me. He says he was just lying to her and is committed to making it work but his actions don’t match his words. He says he ended it and has had no contact but I recently found a search on his phone for engagement rings. He doesn’t know I’ve seen it and I don’t really know his intent. Should I confront him?

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AnywhereButHere
My advice, for what it's worth...he's either lying to you or to her. Either way, he's a liar. Confront him if you wish...but not with the expectation of getting any true answers or explanations favorable to you or your marriage. What I mean is, if he says, "I'm leaving you for her", believe him. If he says, "I'm ending it with her and committing to you", take it with a grain of salt. 
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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Melian
It’s been a roller coaster of emotions so another perspective is helpful. Thank you.
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Experiencethedevine29
Melian wrote:

It’s been about a month and a half since full disclosure and about 3 since I first knew anything about the affair. I found out everything in an angry call from the other woman who was upset it was over. My husband was having a long distance affair for almost four years and he found opportunity on several occasions to turn things physical. We are now in marriage counseling but he isn’t talking much. He had at one point told the other woman he would do counseling as an act and when it failed, he would leave me. He says he was just lying to her and is committed to making it work but his actions don’t match his words. He says he ended it and has had no contact but I recently found a search on his phone for engagement rings. He doesn’t know I’ve seen it and I don’t really know his intent. Should I confront him?

He’s lying to both of you  Melian. That’s what they do.....until he SHOWS  you he’s worth creating a new relationship (because the marriage you thought you had is gone) as Anywhere says, take what he says with a pinch of salt.

if his concubine has contacted you it’s because she’s pissy he’s ended it and/or she’s hoping you’ll kick him out so he goes to her,,,


ETD 🌻

The grass always looks greener..until the dog pee’s on it....
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Melian
I did confront him. He claims he did not visit the site but it may have been an ad. He says he has no interest in being with her anymore. I partially believe that because she threatened to send people after him since she said she was done with him after he ended it. However, she was married too but I suspect they are divorcing. Whether my WS is willing to put in the effort to change has yet to be seen. Thank you for the reply. I don’t feel so alone.
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AnywhereButHere
Melian, my prayer is that he has truly turned around.
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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Melian
I appreciate that and I pray for the same.
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hurting
Oh my dear... this is so hard.

my WS too was in a long distance affair. I too found out from the OW. But although my WS gave me trickle truth and ‘I can’t remember’ answers, once I found out, it was over for good. I walked out. That was my boundary. I wasn’t willing to contemplate being part of his life if he were to continue his affair. Hell no! He had to show NC, lose his old phone number and have me snap the sim, delete all social media, change emails... and that was barely scraping the surface of what he actually needed to do for me to consider living with him again.

What i have learnt from this awful experience is that people change only when they want to. Change is hard work afterall. It’s uncomfortable, painful stuff.

furthermore, in this new dynamic that you’ve been forced into, actions... not words, speak the loudest. Watch him and observe what he is or isn’t doing. Don’t make a hasty decision based off what you see at that one point though. It’s all too easy to fake it or let bad habits back in. It needs to be real sustained change that you see, before this kind of person can be remotely safe for your heart again. Be wary, watch carefully and continue to watch what he does, not what he says. That will tell you what his real intentions are.
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Melian
I know that changing is a choice he has to make. I also know he has had real issues for years that need addressing. I’ve noticed subtle changes but they don’t last. I know it’s too soon but it’s hard being patient. Thank you for the advice, I sincerely appreciate it.
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hurting
You are not alone. Sadly there are many of us who have suffered similarly. Change unfortunately is not instantaneous... but I would be pretty damn clear with him about which boundaries, if crossed, would bring about instantaneous irreversible change to your marriage!! 

After that its a watch and wait situation. If it improves, you may or may not want to stay. If it doesn’t, then you definitely don’t want to stay...

It is so very difficult being patient though. I am at a little over 2.5 years and I would say it really took 18 months at least before I could start to believe some of the changes. Even now, there is doubt at times. 
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