J
Hello, all.
I left my boyfriend of 6 1/2 years in the middle of January because he wouldn't stop seeing his AP. I left after I found out he slept with her in our house while I was visiting family. The tricky thing is that we have a 16-month-old son together. He was 10 months old when we moved out and I kept everything civil for his sake. I've offered to to let my ex see our son whenever he wants, but he complains that the few times a week he has him when I'm working are too much. (I work 6 days a week to make ends meet and my son goes to his grandparents' for the rest of my shifts).

I have a couple questions on which I'd like you all to weigh in.
1. Does it really ever end after a breakup when there's a child involved?
Obviously our amorous relationship ended. We rarely talk unless it's about our son. He never texts or calls me. I always have to reach out and only do so to ask him to take the baby. BUT, does the pain ever fully go away? Will finding him still in bed asleep with his new girlfriend when I show up to drop off our son cease to be a dagger in the chest? Will I get used to it? When you go through a bad breakup without a child, you get to sever ties and heal with time through no contact. That's not possible when you have to see each other several times a week. The pain has lessened, but does it ever really go away completely? Will I ever be truly ok seeing him with another woman, especially if it's THE other woman?

2. Can the former BS be too nice following a breakup?
I left. I took our son. I also took the washer and dryer (that I bought). On some level, I must feel guilty because I still do my ex's laundry. Just this week I washed his sheets, the same ones on which he sleeps with his new girlfriend. While I was doing his laundry, he was out fishing with her. It's crazy, I know, but my son lays in that bed at nap time. So, how do I Iet go and let my ex live in filthy squalor when I'm so used to taking care of him and when I still have to leave my son in that house several times a week? How can I demand that he be a cleaner and more considerate person now when I left him because I gave up hope of that happening?

Any insight is greatly appreciated.


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Negarcia
J
I am sorry you are going through this situation. It's hard with kids involved or not.

But yes I feel you are being to nice all around. He is still taking advantage of you. It probably hurts more because you haven't cut all ties with him in order for you to fully heal.

Would grandma and grandpa take the baby while you are working the 6 days ? Don't allow your ex to see him unless he makes the contact. Do you have an back up babysitters in case?
My opinion is you shouldn't have to call him in order for him to see his son or inquire about his son, that is his choice.
Also, doing his laundry, have his girlfriend do it for him. He made the big boy desicion to cheat on you and he has a new girlfriend so let her take care of him in every aspect.

When my husband was deep in the fog with his AP, I told myself if he cared he would call our kids, or inquire about them and he never did, so I didn't call or text him and neither did my kids ( it was thier choice). I stopped doing anything for him, laundry, cooking, bills, or anything. He was beside himself because he thought I would sit here and do it all. No way, I'm not a door mat who will be cheated on and expected to do stuff for him. Like I told him he needed to figure it out himself. He made the choice to cheat, you should be man enough to clean up after yourself.

He has never taken our kids with out me unless I was out of town or to the store.

Being a parent is not a part time option but if you are still doing so much for him, he has the best of both worlds and the OW is only fulfilling him halfway because she is also getting the luxury of somewhat being taken care of by you.

It's hard but you will find the right time to sever those ties, but it comes in time. We just need to learn to stop holding on to hope.

I hope you find the strength to let go, sending you hugs and prayers.
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J
Negarcia,
Thank you for your response. I know that I still do way too much to make his life comfortable. I just love my son so much and I can't imagine that is father doesn't love him just as much. I want my son to have his father in his life, but I don't understand why his dad make more of an effort for him. Maybe he's trying to sever ties and move on, too, and his cutting his son out because he's a part of me. Or maybe he just expects that I'll always be the one to put forth enough effort for both of us.

His grandparents would take him more, but I have a hard time asking them for so much help. They're my ex's parents. They love my son and me and have been incredibly helpful and supportive since I moved out. It's just sad to me that my ex's parents do more to help me raise our son than he does. I do have a few backup sitters, but I'm trying to give my son as much stability as possible. He's so young and doesn't understand. I can't talk to him and explain. I can only show him that he's loved and provide stability in any way I'm able. He starts to get really bad separation anxiety when he goes to a different sitter every time I go to work.

When you stopped putting forth the effort and taking care of your husband, did he start making an effort and try to be a better father?
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Negarcia
J wrote:
Negarcia,
Thank you for your response. I know that I still do way too much to make his life comfortable. I just love my son so much and I can't imagine that is father doesn't love him just as much. I want my son to have his father in his life, but I don't understand why his dad make more of an effort for him. Maybe he's trying to sever ties and move on, too, and his cutting his son out because he's a part of me. Or maybe he just expects that I'll always be the one to put forth enough effort for both of us.

His grandparents would take him more, but I have a hard time asking them for so much help. They're my ex's parents. They love my son and me and have been incredibly helpful and supportive since I moved out. It's just sad to me that my ex's parents do more to help me raise our son than he does. I do have a few backup sitters, but I'm trying to give my son as much stability as possible. He's so young and doesn't understand. I can't talk to him and explain. I can only show him that he's loved and provide stability in any way I'm able. He starts to get really bad separation anxiety when he goes to a different sitter every time I go to work.

When you stopped putting forth the effort and taking care of your husband, did he start making an effort and try to be a better father?


J

It took him a while. He played the victim card a lot but me making the effort made no difference to him. In his eyes he saw it as something he deserved and expected it from me. One day I just said I deserve more than the way he is treating me and litteraly stopped talking to him and separating myself it killed him inside. It was hard for him to admit it but he did. Also the kids wanted nothing to do with him so it hurt him more and then he started to realize everything he was throwing away and missing.

Your son will know you love him no matter what he feels it from you and his grandparents. If they watch him he can go to his parents house to see him right ? Kids also feel our anxiety. It's hard to be relaxed but we have to do ot for us and them.

Don't worry about him anymore, he's the one that needs to prove his love to your son, you can't make him show ur son or make him prove it. He needs to do that and maybe losing him and you might make him realize that.
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J
Negarcia,
I'm glad you husband opened his eyes and realized what he was losing. Everything you said makes a lot of sense. I guess I can't force him to be a more involved parent any more than I could force him to end his affair. I'll leave the door open for him to be involved in his son's life and hope he comes around. Thanks for your insight.
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Negarcia
J wrote:
Negarcia,
I'm glad you husband opened his eyes and realized what he was losing. Everything you said makes a lot of sense. I guess I can't force him to be a more involved parent any more than I could force him to end his affair. I'll leave the door open for him to be involved in his son's life and hope he comes around. Thanks for your insight.


J

It was hard to remove myself from him but I had no choice. It was either I live in misery trying to make him change or change myself. I am much happier and more like the person I used to be before. I still think about things and think he's messing around but I need to get over it for me not him. I chose to live a better life for the kids and I.
We are here for you. You are raising your son with out him, you have already proved your much stronger than him, you just need to see that in yourself.
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