Sparkle Show full post »
Nolongerslaves
Yeah we're just like acquaintances now pretty much. It's difficult but I just try to keep it light, no sharing my feelings anymore cuz he doesn't seem receptive. I know I'm holding on to scraps but it helps me go longer and longer with no contact if I know he's not against me or upset with me or anything. I just need that to move on slowly, I think. I don't think I can do the straight cut-off, totally dark, overnight no contact thing, cold-turkey. May be dragging out the recovery but at least I admit I know what I'm doing. Not gonna just act like I don't know why I'm still hurting if II'm still in contact with him, ya know? Tbh I'm getting sick of some of the stuff I keep hearing here so I may not remain. Like you said, I'm beginning to realize why not too many WS' s post here. Talk about getting the sh*t kicked out of you for DARING to go onto an anonymous forum and share your honest, real, raw feelings in search of a little support....
I think just going to therapy once/week might be more helpful than the "help" I've found here. Sadly, it's really one super-angry individual who seems to be unwilling to let go of their rage that brings the support level down to a low level for the WS that wanders into this community. In a WS group, no less.
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Nolongerslaves
Sparkle wrote:
The thing is Nolongerslaves, I didn't think I could go cold turkey but I had a real fear that he was getting weary of the situation.  We could have fallen out very very easily as he knew how strongly we felt about each other yet I still wouldn't meet up. I so wanted us to part on good terms. I thought I would not be able to cope in the years to come thinking there was bad feeling between us.


That's how I feel too. So I'm trying to make sure I don't make him hate me, LOL
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jmh78
Keepabuzz wrote:


I think your situation is very unique with very unique challenges.


I agree with this completely.  

As an outsider who only has one incomplete side of the story, I’d like to point out something that occurred to me and might be part of the negative dynamic in your relationship:

Aspergers is not something that develops late in life.  The man you fell in love with had aspergers.  I wonder if the diagnosis has provided you both a crutch that you use for your own purposes?  Maybe he no longer tries hard to overcome his social inadequacies because he can just blame it on aspergers?  Maybe you have stopped seeing all the positives and focus on the negatives related to his aspergers?
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jmh78
Nolongerslaves:

You can accuse me of beating a dead horse if you want, but I want to make sure you realize you’re doing this all wrong.  There are lots of experts in this field (infidelity recovery) and I’ve studied most of them.  Not one expert would ever tell you to try to gradually wean yourself off the AP.  It doesn’t work and it will keep you perpetually stuck and in pain (not to mention what it will do to your husband, family, AP, AP’s family, etc.).  It’s not my place to tell you what to do, but if you really intend on ending your affair you need to stop all contact with the AP.  

Also, this website has a private message system.  If you want to send a message that’s intended for just one person, you can do that.
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Sparkle
Thankyou jmh78 for trying to help.
I have thought about this issue often.
First of all I have to say I think I made a mistake in rushing our courtship. We went out together for only three months before marrying. So that was my mistake. I might as well be honest about it.
 My husband wanted a child and I was in my early forties when we met. I knew I had little time left to have another child. So I suppose I told myself that we didn't need to wait as I loved him so much. He had lived on his own all his adult life and decided he wanted a family quite late.
Because we married quickly our relationship wasn't really tested in any way. I did notice that he rarely said he loved me but only if I asked first. I suppose I've always had low self esteem. Another woman may have seen this as a possible red flag, I don't know.
Maybe I didn't explain correctly but my husband saw the GP because I pushed for it. I felt his behaviour might be affecting my health. So the situation now is they have diagnosed him but he doesn' agree. He insists many people are like him. So he doesn't use the Aspergers as an excuse.
I have to agree that sometimes I don't look for his positive qualities. He is a great time keeper and great with money. He is pretty good at household repairs too. I suppose it'  the lack of emotion that I struggle with.
It is kind of you to try and put yourself in my shoes. At the end of the day I have made many mistakes and I really should have got to know him mire before marrying.
I would like my boys to be happy though so will now do what I can to get back on track and count my blessings.
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Sparkle
Hi Nolongerslaves.
Really sorry but still getting the hang of this website and only read the first half of your post!
I understand where you are coming from. It's a bit awkward sometimes because you want to grieve and share your feelings but you are aware that not everyone may want to hear.
Jmh78 made a good point. I didn't realise you could send a private message.
Will have a look at the site information and see what I can do.
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BrokenHearted
"Most BSes are a mess in the first couple of months after d-day and are still trying to hold on to what they thought they had. But soon after they realise that they never had it. They move on to thinking about what is best for them from here, because they no longer cherish their past with you." 

 

anthropoidape  of all the things you said throughout this post, I feel this is the most real and hard hitting bit. I agree with you and Keepabuzz wholeheartedly, however this statement is where I am right now. I've pretty much given up hope that he will ever "get it" and no longer look back at our 24 years of marriage with fondness. I believe that it all was just another lie. Not a good place to be.

Every WS should read this......no, EVERY COUPLE WHO IS THINKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED should read this. They should be made aware of what could happen, and if statistics are anything, what is most likely to happen to them. My WS was married before- his ex cheated on him multiple times- including him walking in on her and other men having sex in HIS bed....twice (2 different guys). Not to mention all the other things she did to him, yet he believed in marriage and believed in his heart he could never do that to someone he loved deeply. fast forward 22 years after we got married (and 5 years after his divorce is when I met him) and he did what he said and believed he'd never do. He's been a BS and that STILL didn't stop him from his 2 year affair with MY friend. If more people are enlightened about the above statement, perhaps, there may be a small chance that they wouldn't cheat. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is how I feel. Postitive thinking perhaps.
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anthropoidape
Tbh I'm getting sick of some of the stuff I keep hearing here so I may not remain. Like you said, I'm beginning to realize why not too many WS' s post here. Talk about getting the sh*t kicked out of you for DARING to go onto an anonymous forum and share your honest, real, raw feelings in search of a little support....


I totally get why it feels that way. But everyone here has good intentions, and they are actually trying to keep you from falling into a very, very common trap - the trap of thinking you have more time and more options and more control than you actually have.

The anger that you are observing is actually a fraction of what is very probably going to manifest in your husband over the coming months. 

My wife's AP told me everything was going to be alright for him and his kids because he and his wife were getting along and making plans calmly. He was pretty confident he had things in hand. This was about four months after d-day. 

A month later she had had him removed from their home by police, he hadn't seen his children for over a week, and he was at a homeless shelter, sending me email trying to get me to intervene with his wife, saying he now understood that I had been trying to warn him.

A year later they are only at the beginning stages of a hard fight in court. I dread to think what it is like for their kids. 

It is a hard reality that after d-day I was trying harder to save his family unit than he was. He thought I had some agenda of my own, and later realised I had been trying to help him. 

You can make of that what you like. I hope you don't have to look back and realise some angry dude on a forum was trying harder to save your family unit than you were.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Keepabuzz
On point Anthro!  

Nolongerslaves,
    I assume you are talking about me.  I can assure you I am not angry. I’m past the anger stage. If you think my comments seemed as I was angry, you should go read some of my posts from 2 years ago! 

If you want to pine away for your AP, continue texting him, etc. then by all means, do it. It has absolutely zero effect on me, but you must know that you are still betraying, abusing, hurting, deceiving, and disprespecting your BS. He doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve what you have already done to him. 

I have learned so much here. This is a very special place. You can learn here to, BUT you have to be willing to listen. By listen I don’t mean agree with every word posted, but listen. Look for parallels to your situation.  

Affairs are extremely destructive. I don’t know of a single person here BS or WS that support continuing an affair as you are. If your looking for support for continuing your affair, which continuing contact IS doing, I don’t think you will find that here. This is a healing place not a continue to destroy people place.

So I will ask my question again, and maybe you will answer it.  Why are you staying with your husband since your choice is clearly your AP? 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Kiki
Excellent responses Anthro and Keepabuzz!!!
D-Day#1 Dec 19, 2017
D-Day#2 Jan 13, 2018
5 year “on/off affair”
Separated

Married 25 years, together 35
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