HangingOn
I struggle with not being able to communicate about how I feel about this period.  Emotional/Hysterical bonding aka trauma sex.  I understand many couples experience this and I see how it helped during that phase when words really could not.  I’m struggling with the fact that when we went through this phase and it felt like a lifeline, yet it was thrown with all the lies attached.  I kind of feel like I was taken advantage of at my lowest possible point and the most sacred of aspect of our marriage was used as a manipulation.  I get the betrayal is the big issue, but that wasn’t really about us, our love making, even in the light of betrayal/healing is.  How do you who experienced this deal with the betrayal on top of betrayal?
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anthro
I do think it is possible, perhaps even usual, for the healing and reconnecting aspect of this kind of sex to be very one-sided and to be, in effect, a case of a betraying spouse taking advantage of a spouse who is suffering great pain.

I don't have any suggestion pm how to cope with it. It is part of the huge asymmetry that we deal with during and after am affair. I think with time some balance can return but never complete balance.
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Experiencethedevine29

Many understand that this ‘hysterical bonding’ (I don’t care much for the terminology, but there it is..) feels more, as you say, like a warped kind of ‘lifeline’ at a time the BS is fighting to breathe above water...you want it, because it’s what you know, it’s a physical intimacy, and sometimes  it’s what you need to reclaim SOMETHING that belongs to you.  What that something is, and how it’s connected to your sexual interactions after dday is and are as individual as we are.

The other side of that is the disgust, guilt and distress we feel at having allowed ourselves to be ‘used’ in this way. The revulsion we feel often involves thoughts of prostituting ourselves...    ‘ WTF was I thinking? Whoring myself out like his little shag piece...for what? ’

i think I understood what it was to connect to my husband on a sexual level again when I realised I was reclaiming what was mine in the most harmful way to MYSELF.  I told him I was unable to be sexual with him until I was ready to connect with him on all levels, and if he couldn’t handle that he could eff off and shag whoever he wanted, but he wasn’t using me as his other blow up dolly...

one day when we had gone to stay at one of our favourite hotels, we’d been out walking and when we got back to the hotel, we spent the whole afternoon re-connecting’ 😇.. it was then I shed those feelings of ‘being used’ and never looked back.  I decided I wasn’t going to be objected. The dynamic changed completely, as did our intimate ‘style’ if you like.. some things had gone forever but something perhaps more meaningful  had taken its place..

I don’t know if it helps and I’m probably just rambling, but it’s about you, and trusting yourself when you regain your sanity a bit,no?


ETD🌻

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HangingOn
"The other side of that is the disgust, guilt and distress we feel at having allowed ourselves to be ‘used’ in this way. The revulsion we feel often involves thoughts of prostituting ourselves...    ‘ WTF was I thinking? Whoring myself out like his little shag piece...for what?"

I think I just hit that point of revulsion last night.  Hard pill to swallow.  I hope I can follow your footsteps into more meaningful!
Good job out of you two!
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Experiencethedevine29

HangingOn wrote:
"The other side of that is the disgust, guilt and distress we feel at having allowed ourselves to be ‘used’ in this way. The revulsion we feel often involves thoughts of prostituting ourselves...    ‘ WTF was I thinking? Whoring myself out like his little shag piece...for what?"

I think I just hit that point of revulsion last night.  Hard pill to swallow.  I hope I can follow your footsteps into more meaningful!
Good job out of you two!



Its a bloody hard road out no doubt, and littered with nails.  I kicked the f*cker out at one point, and had to deal with the psycho he’d been shagging giving me some serious scheisse, but you can navigate this s**t storm and come out on the other side a bit shinier, so try not to be too hard on yourself when you’re feeling unsettled.


 Remember. You  didn’t do this to yourself and your DH (dickhead) should be willing to set aside  his wants needs and desires so that he can concentrate on helping you redefine yours.


ETD 🌻

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BlindCheetah

I’m in the middle of this right now! Like H accused me of trying to kill him with sex just a few hours ago. I’m less than 3 months from DD and just over a month from his last visit to his fing ______ still looking for a foul enough word to describe her, fill in the blank with the word of your choice. If I had known he was still in contact with her for a month and a half and 2 visits in that time, I wouldn’t have even touched him and didn’t for a while after the $h!tstorm hit the industrial fan. He does seem to have finally pulled his head out of his ass and is working hard to help me heal.

I have put a lot of thought into this since the first night I found myself wanting him and completely repulsed at the same time, just hours before I was going through the house deciding what furniture to take with me. 

While he was still in contact with her and lying I could tell he wasn’t completely there and desperately wanted to believe it was really over. Knowing what I know now I definitely feel like I was taken advantage of during that period, we’ve talked about that some recently. As long as he is completely committed and honest I plan to enjoy the ride as long as it lasts. The best way I’ve found to explain it to my brain is he gave something away that belonged to me and I want it back with astronomically high interest. He owes me the time, affection, attention and sex he gave away plus much more. 

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JKoloseik
Trauma sex? Is that what it is? I had no idea. I cry afterwards, and I think my WS believes it's because I miss him. I dunno. I feel ashamed, dirty, repulsed, and very alone afterwards; but it always stunned me that I would even want it or need it after all his betrayals. And it stuns me even more the lack of connection I feel, and that I still want to do it. Can anyone explain this odd phenomena? 
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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BlindCheetah
JKoloseik wrote:
Trauma sex? Is that what it is? I had no idea. I cry afterwards, and I think my WS believes it's because I miss him. I dunno. I feel ashamed, dirty, repulsed, and very alone afterwards; but it always stunned me that I would even want it or need it after all his betrayals. And it stuns me even more the lack of connection I feel, and that I still want to do it. Can anyone explain this odd phenomena? 


For me I think it was initially a response to the trauma of the  betrayal and the lies. It was confusing and frustrating at first but I never felt like the sex itself was traumatic. Now that he seems to be fully committed and working hard on himself the bonding part is definitely happening. We are talking about things we should have talked about a long time ago. I have a strict no anxiety in the bedroom policy now, no performance anxiety allowed. 
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JKoloseik


For me I think it was initially a response to the trauma of the  betrayal and the lies. It was confusing and frustrating at first but I never felt like the sex itself was traumatic. Now that he seems to be fully committed and working hard on himself the bonding part is definitely happening. We are talking about things we should have talked about a long time ago. I have a strict no anxiety in the bedroom policy now, no performance anxiety allowed. 


No anxiety in the bedroom? What do you mean? 
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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BlindCheetah

JKoloseik wrote:


No anxiety in the bedroom? What do you mean? 
We have had a lot of communication problems in the past resulting in anxiety related to ED and assumptions about my feelings. Guys, don’t hold that $h!t in. 😉

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Keepabuzz
I have certainly had performance issues since my wife’s affair. We did the hysterical bonding period, after a couple of months of that my desire went off a cliff. I think that is about when the shock started to wear off, and the truly deep depression kicked in. Even when we would have sex, the intrusive thoughts were uncontrollable. I never have had any issue with ED, but certainly complete lack of any desire, as well when the intrusive thoughts fly, my ability to “finish” goes right out the window. Many times I have stopped mid-intercourse and said, “I can’t do this right now”, put my clothes on and went downstairs. It really, really sucks. It has gotten better, but I’m no where near how I used to be. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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JKoloseik
Keepabuzz, it's been 5 years for you. Doesn't it ever get better?
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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Keepabuzz

JKoloseik wrote:
Keepabuzz, it's been 5 years for you. Doesn't it ever get better?


Yes,  it certainly does.  Well I should say it has for me. My wife has done everything she can to help me heal. She hasn’t violated a single boundary I have put in place. She has put a ton of work into fixing herself.

Most of my days are good days now. I would say now, I may average a couple of bad days a month. But the definition of bad days is quite different for me now than years ago. A bad day for me now, is a day we’re I just can’t get the past out of my head. I may feel sad, or agitated.  They aren’t days days where I can’t function. I still get triggered, but they are no where near as powerful as they once were. I can usually move past them pretty quickly. I just think to myself “yes, that hurts, acknowledge that, accept that, then let it go”. That is what I can and do now. When I was told to do that in year 1, it was literally impossible. 


I don’t trust my wife fully, I never will. But I don’t distrust her. The sexual desire issue is the one that is lagging on. Not sure what I can do about that though. 



Our stories are quite different. My wife had one short affair.  If my wife relapsed once, or even contacted her former AP after d-day, I would have divorced her. I think your husband has given you al the information you need to make an informed decision.  

Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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JKoloseik
Yet the "decision" eludes me. And for that, I feel ashamed and weak. 
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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Experiencethedevine29
JKoloseik wrote:
Yet the "decision" eludes me. And for that, I feel ashamed and weak. 



There will come a day when you’ll be sick and tired of it, I’m sure. Hopefully then you’ll find your fortitude and do what you need to do.



ETD 🌻
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