So I will try to keep this as short and sweet as I can but as a lot of us know, these things are anything but...
Dday was 12/06/15 and husband moved out NYE back with his parents as I stayed in our marital home with our son who just turned 1 (at the time, he's now 20 months old..) His parents live in the same town but he only had one overnight with our son (because he didn't think he could get our son to daycare and to work on time on his own, which is BS, it's just too hard and he avoids anything hard,) so the majority of the parenting and household burdens fell on me, as he was deep in the fog, lying to me about almost everything and stringing her along, sending her flowers and spending time with her often and has still insisted that nothing physical happened besides holding hands...All the while his 5 siblings and parents, most of whom live locally were aware of all that was going on and in my opinion did not do much to try to help the situation or support our marriage. I was desperate and do not have much if any family support of my own so i was floundering getting over my own post partum depression and desperate for one or all of them to try to talk to my husband and get him into marital and/or individual therapy, or at least convince him to end or stop contact with the OW at least temporarily so that he can make a more clear decision on what he wanted to do. His parents allowed their 33yr old son to move home, pay no rent, cook meals for him, help him with laundry etc, all the while i was alone taking care of our son and trying to hold myself together for months. All but one of the siblings pretty much did nothing. Not one of them ever asked me if they could help watch my son so i could run out as i had him SIX out of the 7 days of the week on my own, or asked to have a playdate with him, mind you this whole time i pretty much stopped seeing all THIRTEEN of my nieces and nephews from his side of the family who i had always done so much for in the way of buying thoughtful gifts and taking them to the zoo, park, etc etc. I felt and still feel completely tossed aside and unimportant to them after I've been nothing but overly generous and thoughtful to all of them over the last almost 9 years that i've known them. I know that my husband's actions are 100% his fault and it's not their job to make him do anything because no one can control anyone, but I feel like they completely enabled him and the situation to last for much longer than it needed to or would have if he was made to face the consequences of his actions. No one told him they were disappointed or shocked by his behavior, it was all "we want you to be happy, just make sure you think things through." To me that's complete BS...
In April after being told by my husband for the 4th or 5th "final" time that he was pretty sure he wanted a divorce, I started to actually accept it and mentally move on although i didn't want to be the one to file the papers because i felt like that was something he should do. All of a sudden his 95yr old grandmother died and he supposedly had an epiphany and was begging for me back. for a couple weeks I was extremely confused and didn't think that i wanted to be married anymore. At that point the family got even worse because then in their eyes i became the bad guy, seriously WTF? He cheats on me and somehow again, they excuse his behavior and i become the scapegoat. So basically we have since gotten into marital counseling and he attends individual therapy and I have been attending my own therapy this whole time as well.
I literally have not heard from any of his family members since our recovery efforts which is very disheartening, (except his parents, since they recently started watching our son 1 day a week so we could save money on daycare, and even that is very limited communication.) Not one person has asked how i am doing and I just feel really hurt. His mother actually shared a photo with the OW on her facebook page about a month ago. She said it was because her granddaughter was in the picture and she wanted to support the police department (the OW is a police officer in town)...are you kidding me??? the woman your son cheated on me with should not be someone you are trying to support! (right?)
but anyway, when that happened i unfriended her and most of his siblings on facebook which i know didn't go over well with them, but the reason i did it was because i was trying to get rid of triggers to things that would cause conflict between me and my husband as our therapist has said to try to focus on me and him and deal with family stuff later. He explained that to them briefly but it doesn't seem like they got it, it seems like they are now making it all about them and how they were hurt that I did it without telling them why. Not for anything, who gives people a heads up that they are unfriending them on facebook??
last point to make is that his brother and our sister in law had been friends with the OW for approx 7 years as he has worked with her for that long as police officers in town. She has even babysat their kids in the past (barf). My husband texted our SIL and basically requested that assuming me and him stay together, that they distance themselves from the OW out of respect for us and our marriage. She basically said no, that she won't bring up the OW in our presence but that they don't want to not have a relationship with her. Honestly it makes me sick.
So here are my questions- should i just not care? and if so, how the hell do i do that? I am so beyond hurt and have avoided the last 2 family functions because I am so disappointed and hurt. The main people I have a problem with are the BIL and SIL who are friends with the OW and plan to keep it that way, the rest of them I think i can get past everything over time. I know they are his family and i guess ultimately will have his back over mine, but am i wrong to have expected a little bit more from them? It makes me feel like going forward they are not "friends of our marriage" and don't really support us when things are hard, only when things are good or when they need something.
my husband says he understands why i feel the way i feel and i am pretty sure he is disappointed in them as well for a lot of reasons, past and present, but he is the type to avoid confrontation (slowlyyyyyyy working on in therapy together) and it's been 2 months and out of everyone the only people he's had a real conversation with about this issue have been his parents and they are the type to just tell you what you want to hear but not really have any actions to back up their words.
it's become a really big roadblock for me in recovery and causing a lot of friction between us and i just don't know if i'm crazy and have totally unrealistic expectations or if this is as bad as i think it is?
and of course i totally rambled like I was trying to avoid...ahhhhhhhhh