SLL1102

So I will try to keep this as short and sweet as I can but as a lot of us know, these things are anything but...

Dday was 12/06/15 and husband moved out NYE back with his parents as I stayed in our marital home with our son who just turned 1 (at the time, he's now 20 months old..)  His parents live in the same town but he only had one overnight with our son (because he didn't think he could get our son to daycare and to work on time on his own, which is BS, it's just too hard and he avoids anything hard,) so the majority of the parenting and household burdens fell on me, as he was deep in the fog, lying to me about almost everything and stringing her along, sending her flowers and spending time with her often and has still insisted that nothing physical happened besides holding hands...All the while his 5 siblings and parents, most of whom live locally were aware of all that was going on and in my opinion did not do much to try to help the situation or support our marriage.  I was desperate and do not have much if any family support of my own so i was floundering getting over my own post partum depression and desperate for one or all of them to try to talk to my husband and get him into marital and/or individual therapy, or at least convince him to end or stop contact with the OW at least temporarily so that he can make a more clear decision on what he wanted to do.  His parents allowed their 33yr old son to move home, pay no rent, cook meals for him, help him with laundry etc, all the while i was alone taking care of our son and trying to hold myself together for months.  All but one of the siblings pretty much did nothing.  Not one of them ever asked me if they could help watch my son so i could run out as i had him SIX out of the 7 days of the week on my own, or asked to have a playdate with him, mind you this whole time i pretty much stopped seeing all THIRTEEN of my nieces and nephews from his side of the family who i had always done so much for in the way of buying thoughtful gifts and taking them to the zoo, park, etc etc.  I felt and still feel completely tossed aside and unimportant to them after I've been nothing but overly generous and thoughtful to all of them over the last almost 9 years that i've known them.  I know that my husband's actions are 100% his fault and it's not their job to make him do anything because no one can control anyone, but I feel like they completely enabled him and the situation to last for much longer than it needed to or would have if he was made to face the consequences of his actions.  No one told him they were disappointed or shocked by his behavior, it was all "we want you to be happy, just make sure you think things through."  To me that's complete BS...

In April after being told by my husband for the 4th or 5th "final" time that he was pretty sure he wanted a divorce, I started to actually accept it and mentally move on although i didn't want to be the one to file the papers because i felt like that was something he should do.  All of a sudden his 95yr old grandmother died and he supposedly had an epiphany and was begging for me back.  for a couple weeks I was extremely confused and didn't think that i wanted to be married anymore.  At that point the family got even worse because then in their eyes i became the bad guy, seriously WTF?  He cheats on me and somehow again, they excuse his behavior and i become the scapegoat.  So basically we have since gotten into marital counseling and he attends individual therapy and I have been attending my own therapy this whole time as well.  

I literally have not heard from any of his family members since our recovery efforts which is very disheartening, (except his parents, since they recently started watching our son 1 day a week so we could save money on daycare, and even that is very limited communication.)  Not one person has asked how i am doing and I just feel really hurt.  His mother actually shared a photo with the OW on her facebook page about a month ago.  She said it was because her granddaughter was in the picture and she wanted to support the police department (the OW is a police officer in town)...are you kidding me??? the woman your son cheated on me with should not be someone you are trying to support! (right?)  

but anyway, when that happened i unfriended her and most of his siblings on facebook which i know didn't go over well with them, but the reason i did it was because i was trying to get rid of triggers to things that would cause conflict between me and my husband as our therapist has said to try to focus on me and him and deal with family stuff later.  He explained that to them briefly but it doesn't seem like they got it, it seems like they are now making it all about them and how they were hurt that I did it without telling them why.  Not for anything, who gives people a heads up that they are unfriending them on facebook??

last point to make is that his brother and our sister in law had been friends with the OW for approx 7 years as he has worked with her for that long as police officers in town.  She has even babysat their kids in the past (barf).  My husband texted our SIL and basically requested that assuming me and him stay together, that they distance themselves from the OW out of respect for us and our marriage.  She basically said no, that she won't bring up the OW in our presence but that they don't want to not have a relationship with her.  Honestly it makes me sick.

So here are my questions- should i just not care? and if so, how the hell do i do that?  I am so beyond hurt and have avoided the last 2 family functions because I am so disappointed and hurt.  The main people I have a problem with are the BIL and SIL who are friends with the OW and plan to keep it that way, the rest of them I think i can get past everything over time.  I know they are his family and i guess ultimately will have his back over mine, but am i wrong to have expected a little bit more from them?  It makes me feel like going forward they are not "friends of our marriage" and don't really support us when things are hard, only when things are good or when they need something.

my husband says he understands why i feel the way i feel and i am pretty sure he is disappointed in them as well for a lot of reasons, past and present, but he is the type to avoid confrontation (slowlyyyyyyy working on in therapy together) and it's been 2 months and out of everyone the only people he's had a real conversation with about this issue have been his parents and they are the type to just tell you what you want to hear but not really have any actions to back up their words.  

it's become a really big roadblock for me in recovery and causing a lot of friction between us and i just don't know if i'm crazy and have totally unrealistic expectations or if this is as bad as i think it is?

and of course i totally rambled like I was trying to avoid...ahhhhhhhhh

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sunflower07
Would the two of you consider moving away? Sometimes even talking about it as an option helps.

Also, seems like your BIL and SIL will eventually distance themselves from her because it will become awkward, or she will move on to her next drama. Seems like that is what usually happens when there is tension in relationships. I would have a hard time believing there isn't some there already.
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SLL1102
Thanks for replying...honestly I would hope that naturally there would become distance but it seems like this girl has no shame...she recently became friends with my SIL's mother on Facebook, someone who I have always had a good relationship with and hurts even though I'm pretty sure my SIL's mom is probably not aware of what happened or at least I hope not....then on top of that my SIL recently became friends on Facebook with the OW's mother! So it almost appears like they are getting closer...and yes I've been considering moving but it's really hard for me...we both grew up in this town and I had always imagined raising my kids here...we have a nice home that we've put work into and part of me feels like I'd end up resenting my husband more if we move...plus he works for the town, so even if we move he would be staying at his job so it feels like no matter what we are stuck here in some way or another
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sunflower07
She is probably trying to rub it in your face, don't you think? If he picked you over her, she is probably trying to get back at you.

I would totally ignore her! You're his wife and in the power position. He made his vows before God and family to you. Even though he broke them for a period of time, they mean something still especially if you are working on things.

Block her on Facebook and ignore her. She will move on. Like I said, those kind of women go to where the drama and attention are. Just don't give her any of that and hopefully she will fall off the radar soon.
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SLL1102
Thank you...it's taken all I have not to publicly out her, but I feel like that's me stooping to her level, and if I did that my husband would get hurt in the process and obviously would not help us rebuild...the police department constantly posts pics of her reading to children and attending youth events, she appears to be this awesome role model well in reality she's got a major character flaw to pursue a married man with an infant...but I really do hope she gets a clue and realizes it's time to get a real life
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Freewill76
I feel your pain, I was in my H family for 22 years and he cheated on me with his co worker. ( sick thing is She is our nieces and nephews ages - 20 years his junior and yet they ok with it too) They both work for his brother and sister in law. His B and SIL have given her a promotion and now go out with her and him as if nothing is wrong with what these two have done!
My MIL rang a couple of weeks ago to abuse me for apparently saying that the family doesn't want to know me anymore. She's heard rumours. During this conversation she proceeded to tell me that it wasn't the AP fault and she's a nice person. WTF?? Lovely person who knew my H was married with 4 kids and she was married. Real nice person...
Meanwhile I have other family members on his side who haven't called me or my oldest daughter who has her own phone to see if me or the kids are ok?
My MIL has called 4 times in 7 months and 2 of those times were bdays so it's pretty much expected that she would call on 2 occasions . As I said to her she could always call my daughters phone if she didn't want to speak to me. She still hasn't called her.....
Anyway I'm like you I'm stunned . Like you my H went to stay his B house where he partied and was cooked dinner and sent to work with lunch and then my SIL organised an appartments for him because she didn't want him at her house anymore.
No one said to him -you need to go sort this out with your wife and kids. No one, and that is hard to figure out and hurts so much. I struggle thinking did they even care in all these years about me when I was part of their family??
I have been bullied and threatened by these people to no end (very wealthy people who now think I'm trying to take my H house and money ?? We were married for 19 years how is that house not mine too??
I want these people and my H out of my life asap but not sure if this is possible. They are now trying to make out I have mental probs. funny thing is my H is on antidepressants and now has an adjustment disorder so can't work which means he can barely pay any child support but can afford to go overseas for 6 weeks with his AP
I now work 2 jobs to get by
I'm rambling on a bit but it is the one thing I can't understand. How can people say they love and care about you and turn so quickly against you especially when you didn't do the wrong thing by cheating ???
It is as if I'm the one that cheated!!
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sunflower07
SLL1102 wrote:
Thank you...it's taken all I have not to publicly out her, but I feel like that's me stooping to her level, and if I did that my husband would get hurt in the process and obviously would not help us rebuild...the police department constantly posts pics of her reading to children and attending youth events, she appears to be this awesome role model well in reality she's got a major character flaw to pursue a married man with an infant...but I really do hope she gets a clue and realizes it's time to get a real life


She sounds like she might be a narcissist or borderline personality. Probably all concerned about her image but as you said, major character flaw inside. She will eventually move on if you give her NO attention.

My husband's AP was similarly flawed as she pursued my husband, a married man, and had oral sex with him while she had her own newborn baby!! I can't even imagine !!!!!
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UrbanExplorer
Definitely block unsafe people, especially OW, on social media. You have to decide who is emotionally safe to have in your life. My guess is that most family members don't want to get involved, but if they enabled the affair, I understand why you will never be comfortable with them again.

My husband went to my parents and told them I had an affair. They wanted to stay neutral and try to support both husband and me. I would not have introduced them to AP, and they would not have wanted to meet him.

Regarding OW reading to kids and doing community events (I realize this might not go over well), I don't think people are all good or all bad. I had an affair with a married man. His wife thinks I am a hideous person for what I did. I also speak to young girls about careers in STEM, sponsor impoverished kids in another country, organize professional conferences, and am a prominent female scientist in my company. The affair is the worst thing I ever did, but does it define my entire life? So while OW might be a truly awful, fake, hypocritical person or have a personality disorder, she might also do some legitimately positive things in her community.
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SLL1102
Freewill76 wrote:
I feel your pain, I was in my H family for 22 years and he cheated on me with his co worker. ( sick thing is She is our nieces and nephews ages - 20 years his junior and yet they ok with it too) They both work for his brother and sister in law. His B and SIL have given her a promotion and now go out with her and him as if nothing is wrong with what these two have done! My MIL rang a couple of weeks ago to abuse me for apparently saying that the family doesn't want to know me anymore. She's heard rumours. During this conversation she proceeded to tell me that it wasn't the AP fault and she's a nice person. WTF?? Lovely person who knew my H was married with 4 kids and she was married. Real nice person... Meanwhile I have other family members on his side who haven't called me or my oldest daughter who has her own phone to see if me or the kids are ok? My MIL has called 4 times in 7 months and 2 of those times were bdays so it's pretty much expected that she would call on 2 occasions . As I said to her she could always call my daughters phone if she didn't want to speak to me. She still hasn't called her..... Anyway I'm like you I'm stunned . Like you my H went to stay his B house where he partied and was cooked dinner and sent to work with lunch and then my SIL organised an appartments for him because she didn't want him at her house anymore. No one said to him -you need to go sort this out with your wife and kids. No one, and that is hard to figure out and hurts so much. I struggle thinking did they even care in all these years about me when I was part of their family?? I have been bullied and threatened by these people to no end (very wealthy people who now think I'm trying to take my H house and money ?? We were married for 19 years how is that house not mine too?? I want these people and my H out of my life asap but not sure if this is possible. They are now trying to make out I have mental probs. funny thing is my H is on antidepressants and now has an adjustment disorder so can't work which means he can barely pay any child support but can afford to go overseas for 6 weeks with his AP I now work 2 jobs to get by I'm rambling on a bit but it is the one thing I can't understand. How can people say they love and care about you and turn so quickly against you especially when you didn't do the wrong thing by cheating ??? It is as if I'm the one that cheated!!


Wow I feel like I could have wrote most of this.  I am honestly so shocked how people act when push comes to shove.  I am definitely also hurt feeling like I never mattered to them and they don't even miss me, now that I am pretty much not in their lives.  It's so incredibly sad.
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SLL1102
UrbanExplorer wrote:
Definitely block unsafe people, especially OW, on social media. You have to decide who is emotionally safe to have in your life. My guess is that most family members don't want to get involved, but if they enabled the affair, I understand why you will never be comfortable with them again. My husband went to my parents and told them I had an affair. They wanted to stay neutral and try to support both husband and me. I would not have introduced them to AP, and they would not have wanted to meet him. Regarding OW reading to kids and doing community events (I realize this might not go over well), I don't think people are all good or all bad. I had an affair with a married man. His wife thinks I am a hideous person for what I did. I also speak to young girls about careers in STEM, sponsor impoverished kids in another country, organize professional conferences, and am a prominent female scientist in my company. The affair is the worst thing I ever did, but does it define my entire life? So while OW might be a truly awful, fake, hypocritical person or have a personality disorder, she might also do some legitimately positive things in her community.



I think i have hesitated blocking her because in some way it helps me feel in control like god forbid I see her with my husband or other family members i'm not in the dark.  I think it is coming to the point where I probably have to do it for my own sanity though.

And I get that family would want to stay neutral or not get involved, but I guess I felt like when our lives were literally thrown upside down, it was just so disappointing how they dealt with it.  I also was the one who finally went to his parents to tell them because his plan was to just tell them that we were having problems and make no mention of the affair and at the time I thought it was just so wrong to keep out the details...

And yes, people aren't all good or all bad.  What I will say is that there is a difference between someone who does something wrong, and realizes it is wrong and does what they can to mend the situation, vs. someone who does something wrong and doesn't seem phased by it and doesn't seem to have remorse...I think that's where from my end, not knowing this woman, it appears she has no shame, and has no problem continuing to be friends with MY family and strutting around like nothing is wrong.  Who knows if that's how she really feels but it appears that way to me
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UrbanExplorer
I understand where you are coming from. OW does not seem remorseful for hurting you and your family. I hope she gets there.

After D-day, my AP's wife did not disconnect from me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or LinkedIn (we were acquaintances). It shocked me, and I waited because it felt like an extra jerk move to have had a relationship with her husband and then be the one to unfriend her. I felt she should at least have that tiny bit of satisfaction or power. Maybe a week later, she still had not done it, so I could see her posts thanking people for supporting her in a tough time and sharing photos of her with AP. It was clearly unhealthy for both of us, so I blocked her. Maybe, like you said, she was keeping me around to monitor the situation. I think it is best for she and I to avoid each other. I keep a low profile.
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SLL1102
UrbanExplorer wrote:
I understand where you are coming from. OW does not seem remorseful for hurting you and your family. I hope she gets there. After D-day, my AP's wife did not disconnect from me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or LinkedIn (we were acquaintances). It shocked me, and I waited because it felt like an extra jerk move to have had a relationship with her husband and then be the one to unfriend her. I felt she should at least have that tiny bit of satisfaction or power. Maybe a week later, she still had not done it, so I could see her posts thanking people for supporting her in a tough time and sharing photos of her with AP. It was clearly unhealthy for both of us, so I blocked her. Maybe, like you said, she was keeping me around to monitor the situation. I think it is best for she and I to avoid each other. I keep a low profile.


I was never "friends" with the OP on facebook, but she comes up as a person i might know and since she is a police officer they post a lot of things on their page that I follow.  Part of me feels like I need to unfriend the police dept page, but part of me feels like why should I basically have to hide and avoid my own community because of her?  It feels so unfair to me.  But again, maybe it's for the best.  She's a single woman, never married with no kids, I also feel like, not to excuse my husband, but she should have had more of a clear head going into the situation with less to distract her from the fact that what she was doing was wrong.  She's the one that appeared to have initiated their friendship that turned into more, and i feel like overall she is a desperate woman that hasn't found a single man yet and has started to lower her standards to married men who seem unhappy in their marriages.  I could go on and on...

but, i do commend you for actually thinking through things and caring about the AP wife's feelings.  again i feel like that's the difference between a person who does something bad and tries to change, or a person who is "bad"
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SLL1102
sunflower07 wrote:
She sounds like she might be a narcissist or borderline personality. Probably all concerned about her image but as you said, major character flaw inside. She will eventually move on if you give her NO attention. My husband's AP was similarly flawed as she pursued my husband, a married man, and had oral sex with him while she had her own newborn baby!! I can't even imagine !!!!!


wow, i'm just going to say EWWW to "your" OW
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UrbanExplorer
I read that as HELD her own newborn baby! O.o
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