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Laurajean83
Sorry wrote:

I had an attraction to someone/male friends on two occasions years before my affair,  they never lead to much. But I wish I had dealt with what they indicated then. 

I felt like there was a hole in my life and my soul and the excitement of the new interest filled this hole. 



Me too.   Earlier experiences and feelings within myself were big red flags years before my affair.  I wish I would have dealt with it then.  But how do you talk to anyone about that...   how do you tell your husband??? 

It is so taboo...  with the idea that good people never do that.  So you expect your good person-ness to keep you safe.  

I had decent pre-marital counselling...  But this was not in it at all.  Now I want to go tell newly weds or engaged couples about it.  Make them aware of the very real and present danger that it is...   warning signs...  get them comfortable talking about it in the beginning...  and how to set up protective measures.   Maybe this is over the top...  But if I could do it all again...  I would go way back before the affair and start to deal with and change some of the early warning signs.  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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UrbanExplorer
I had also had years of warning signs (emotional pull toward other people). I remember asking a couple of friends who were also in long marriages what was "normal" because my marriage felt so lifeless. A couple of years before I actually had an affair, I ran into my first boyfriend for the first time in 20 years. He said something to me that sent me spinning (in hindsight, what an *******  for doing that). I didn't tell my H about it until years later, after my affair with someone else.

The steps leading to an affair are sometimes really far from an actual physical action, and that is obviously the best place to stop it.
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Laurajean83
It's frustrating to know their are tons of people out there with the early signs only.  I wish I could stop some crazy tragedy before it starts.  But our affair is largely unknown.  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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UrbanExplorer
Lots of WS are probably too conflict averse, ironically leading to a massive conflict in the end.
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stormyshay
I very much related Urban and Laurajean.

There were several signs that things were not right with me long before my affair.  Of course, after the fact I see these things clearly.  In the realm of attachment theory, I am a textbook avoidant attachment type.  I have always been incredibly uncomfortable by the emotions of others.  If a person cries I want to leave the room because I have no idea what to do.  I viewed feelings and emotion as a sign of weakness.  From a very early age, I figured out the only person I could count on in life was myself.  I have always fiercely valued my independence, especially in my marriage.  My spouse and I got along great when it came to being adventurous.  But we were terrible at the day to day stuff and connecting with one another.  I held everyone at arm's length and never allowed anyone to get too close, including my husband.  I typically avoided conflict at all costs.  

There were a few occasions when I see I had inappropriate relationships with other members of the opposite sex, too friendly.  I have always been a people pleaser in life.  I could not say no.  I believe this is due to seeking validation from others.  This inability to say no, has gotten me in trouble on several occasions.  There were many times I did things for others, or allowed myself to be in situations that made me incredibly uncomfortable.  Fortunately, this has been a big change following the affair.  Over the summer a male coworker somehow tracked down my phone number and began texting me.  I shut down that situation real quick and told him never to contact me again.  I immediately went home and told my husband.  That was in stark contrast to how I would have handled things in the past.  I spent years giving my marriage little thought.  Now it is the number one priority.  Too bad I had to put my husband and I through hell to come to that conclusion.
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UrbanExplorer
Even though we cannot undo the affair, understanding how we got there makes all the difference in the world moving forward.
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