30years
So, 30 years ago (Senior Year of HS and Freshman Year of College) - I had a close friend, that I secretly had strong feelings for.  I was very shy and totally insecure/low self esteem - and I was afraid to ask her out because I didn't want to risk losing the friendship.  Back in the day, we wrote letters to each other while I was at school - one week I would write, the next week I would get a letter from her.  Since phone calls weren't cheap we spoke every other week, etc.

One day, we were at a party.  After a few too many adult beverages, I misinterpreted something and we got into a huge fight.  Our friendship slowly faded away.

She went away to school and relocated there after graduation - a couple of hundred miles from where I lived.

Every so often over the years we'd have a conversation or two - online Initially AOL, and then on Facebook - but nothing that lasted more than a conversation or two.

9 months ago, I posted something on FB, and she responded.  Later that night - she sent me a PM - and we ended up talking for a couple of hours.  A couple of weeks later, the same thing.  Eventually, we got to the point in which we were talking virtually every day.

We cleared the air about the past - and she is aware of how I felt.  She has told me I should have made a move then.  She has told me that back then, she felt closer to me than anyone she had dated.  We typically talk several times a day - and where they can be intermittantly through the day - mostly they are at night.  She also initiates 90% of our conversations.

We talk about anything and everything.  She appreciates that I have a phenomenal memory and I know her really well - so I am her sounding board.  For me - I appreciate the fact that she listens to me and has been really supportive - but I have also found that I still have strong feelings for her.  We have both acknowledged that the conversation are a pleasant surprise, and that neither of us is going anywhere.  In the last 2 months or so we have spoken on the phone a couple of times - but 99% of conversations are texting.

She is also a big flirt.  Always has been.  She doesn't flirt alone though.  She will tell me that she just let the dogs out in the yard late at night, but she was at the door wearing a towel...  how she goes skinny dipping, etc.  The closest she has ever said in a physical sort of way is that she thought it was surreal to hear my voice after all these years, and wonders what it would be like to hug me - and if she has had a glass or two of wine, she has told me she thinks I am cute.  I have told her that I think she is beautiful.

I haven't seen her in 30 years, and there is nothing that will bring her to my neck of the woods, and the same for me to her area - so its not beyond the realm of possibility we might not see each other.

Here are the challenges:  She has been in a long term (8 years) relationship with someone - who has recently moved to another state for work.  The only days we don't talk is when she travels to see him every other weekend.  I am married.  To be honest - my marriage is not in a good place.  My wife goes to bed usually at 8 pm - and I end up spending an hour or more most evenings talking to my old friend.

The conversations confuse me - if I am being honest.  She reaches out all the time - even though she is crazy about the person she is in a relationship with.  It is highly unlikely anything more will happen with our friendship - dating, etc.  I realize that I am more likely to be hurt here - as I know I have feelings for her.  But, I decide I am not going to respond the next time she texts - and then it comes, it puts a smile on my face - and I end up responding.  (She has told me my texts bring a smile to her as well).

I look forward to these conversations - but they probably arent good for me.  Im struggling with what I am supposed to do.  I personally thought there was no way we could be friends again - so this really has caught me off guard,  I didn't realize I missed these conversations, and having her in my life.

So besides me being pathetic - what are your thoughts about this?
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GingerHoneyBunny
I'm about 12 weeks into catching my wife in an affair. And Dude, YOU SOUND LIKE MY WIFE'S AP!!!!. Stop it right now b4 it gets really bad and serious. I think you still at the early stages of limerance. You can still stop this from turning into a full blown affair. No doubt I contributed to the problems in our marriage. I was cold and distant. Heck, you know what, her AP's wife was also cold, distant, and frigid in bed. My wife and her AP were never dating b4 but knew each from a young age before life took them separate paths. He too was just like you, unhappy or unsatisfied with his wife. And my wife unhappy or unsatisfied with me. Both got back in touch, complained about their loneliness and probably revealed a lot of their intimate problems to each other. Wham, bang and what do you know, within 4 months in 2017, there were alr in bed. and it all started with keeping in touch which led to talking about their lives, their unhappiness, and then probably one of them started to confess a crush or liking for the other which led to feelings and then BANG!!! right in bed...after that, it was about making plans to meet up and deceive their respective spouses, how to keep a lid on things and how to separate cleanly. Which obviously they could not. Their messages showed so much of "love" going around emotionally even though the physical stuff had stopped for a while but it does not mean it wont rekindle if they had the chance to be alone in a room together. So man, stop it right now...keep in touch, talk about each other's unhappiness, talk about how nice to have someone to support each other,...the next thing you know...you both in up in bed. In love and full of guilt....dont betray your vows to your wife. The AP's is said by my wife to be boring. I surmise I too was boring to my wife. Both me and the AP's wife are more attractive than our spouses. So its not about physical sexual attraction. It starts with a small spark in your heart and then you justify to yourself why you need to do the things you are doing. You are not yet in an emotional affair as long both of you dont confess your lvoe to each other. If your friend is crazy about her partner, you best stay away and just consider that you are the only party with a crush on her. There is still time to stop this from becoming an utter devastating catastrophe. We have 3 young children and I am 80% out the door....dont ruin your marriage. whatever the problems, fix it. get help. dont pour your heart out to an old flame or female companion...its a recipe for disaster....DONT!!!
Male BS, D-Day 26th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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GingerHoneyBunny
"I look forward to these conversations - but they probably arent good for me.  Im struggling with what I am supposed to do.  I personally thought there was no way we could be friends again - so this really has caught me off guard,  I didn't realize I missed these conversations, and having her in my life."

No, you miss these times with YOUR WIFE!!! Get a hold of yourself man...
Male BS, D-Day 26th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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anthropoidape
Read around this site and get a sense of what lies ahead.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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surviving
You are playing with fire!  Put out the flame!
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Damaged
30 Years, you are headed down a slippery slope. You are approaching disaster. I disagree with GingerHB. I think you are already in an emotional affair. You are involved in a secret relationship that you know your wife would not approve. I read an article that indicated that affairs with High School Sweethearts were the most difficult to disentangle yourself from. Goggle articles. You may think that your relationship is ‘special’, that you understand each other. It’s not!!Stop what you are doing and talk to your wife . Get into counseling. You are about to set off an atomic bomb and lay waste to everything around you. I wish my H would have stopped when he was at your stage!
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30years
To be honest, i don't entirely know what my old friend's motivations are with our conversations - but i don't think she has romantic feelings for me....
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GingerHoneyBunny
30years wrote:
To be honest, i don't entirely know what my old friend's motivations are with our conversations - but i don't think she has romantic feelings for me....


Good mate. Don't even get the idea to ask her about it. Quit what you are doing now and focus on your wife. Drag her to counseling and what not but plz don't even think of straying. 
Male BS, D-Day 26th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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Damaged
She is up to no good. You know that your wife would not be happy with these conversations. She knows her LTR would not be happy with these conversations. So do ‘be honest’ and look at this for what it really is. I am just trying to warn you. Everyone here wants to help. Take our advice. 
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Keepabuzz
How would you wife feel if she read your post here? I’m betting she would very it as an emotional affair. 

This seems complicated, but it’s actually very simple. 

  • You are married, stop doing things that are/will be hurtful to your wife.
  • If you’re unhappy enough in your marriage to be doing what you’re doing, then leave, or get counseling.  Fix the problems in your marriage, don’t destroy your wife. 
  • You made vows to your wife, no matter what issues you have with her, you owe it to her to keep those vows. Unless you decide to leave, and be honest with her. 
  • You say you don’t know what to do. Yes, you do. You know what you’re doing is wrong, but it feels good so you want to do it anyway.  This is reality. 
  • Dig deep and find your integrity. Do what you know is right. Don’t start something with someone else when your still with your wife. Fix it or leave. 
  • Your unhappiness does NOT give you the right to destroy your wife.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Fionarob
Quote   "I realize that I am more likely to be hurt here "

Ummm, yes quite possibly, and also your wife, and also your children (if you have any) and extended family, and the other woman if this develops any further.

You are already giving a part of yourself to someone else.  You clearly need to reconnect with your wife so that you don't feel the need to fill this gap.  What you are doing may seem to not be hurting anyone, but it really is.  And it could get a whole lot worse. 

My ex husband's infidelities began like this, and progressed to a full-blown emotional and physical affair.  Don't tell yourself it won't ever happen, to some degree it already is.
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jmh78
30years wrote:
To be honest, i don't entirely know what my old friend's motivations are with our conversations - but i don't think she has romantic feelings for me....


I think you know what you’re doing is wrong, or at the very least inappropriate, why else would you be here?  This is absolutely an emotional affair.

Please, before you get in any deeper, honor yourself, your wife, your kids, your family, and the AP and do what you know is right.  End all contact with the AP and focus on improving your marriage.
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Trinity
Bluntly:  FIX your marriage or Leave, for the love of GOD do not keep this emotional affair going on when you are still married.  If you haven't already received the message... IT IS WRONG.  There is no other way that you can spin it, it is 100% wrong.

I echo Keepapbuzz sentiment, how would your wife feel if she read your post here ??

"T" 
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Sorry
I would give anything and I mean literally anything to be in your shoes. 

Back when my actions would only have aggrevated my husband instead of permanently scarring him me and our marriage.

I would have had a chance to speak to him before I messed up everything. Don't mess up this opportunity. 

Not the opportunity to have an affair.

The opportunity not to wreck your marriage. 
Drag your wife off to counselling, reignite some passion.  It is much easier to do it now before you have destroyed everything you don't realise you have. 

Trust me you are not the exception. You will in all likelihood hate your future self if you cross that line. 

As I said. I would literally give anything I have to not have to live knowing that I can never undo the damage I have done and never not have that stain on my life. 
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30years
So, I came to a realization that i was struggling with the mixed messages, and i couldn't keep doing this.  So I told her on Monday about that.  She mentioned that she understood, that she probably wasn't good for me - and that this was going to be harder than it was 30 years ago....

We got on the phone, and proceeded to talk.  It was a raw conversation - and open.  I was candid with how i realized i felt for her.  On one hand, she would tell me she was solid with her BF, but then turn around and say how it was always different with me.   We took the weekend off from talking (As i was trying to figure out my thoughts) - and she had mentioned that it was tough not being able to reach out to me.  She felt like the universe kept bringing us together, and made jokes like how old will we be in 30 years?  Next time you have to initiate, etc.

Where we were always flirtatious, we had never "sexted" or anything close to that.  In this conversation, i mentioned that i know had we dated back in the days - that most HS relationships don't last - and we'd probably be in a different place now.  I did mention (joking) that besides, i could have kissed you - and you could have been so repulsed that it could have stopped it there.  She responded, that do you really think that would have happened?  That's not how i envisioned it would go.  (But in most of our conversations, including this one - she didn't know how she felt about me.)

At the end of the conversation, she did mention that her current BF seems to have some of the same characteristics that i do.

We got off the phone and the next day i was miserable.  We both were posting things on facebook - i was posting songs, she posted a meme about sometimes you have to do the right thing, even if it is hard....

I realized that i had to do something - and i contacted a therapist and have an appointment for next week.  I mentioned this to her, and she told me she can't talk with me - she's not feeling herself - but she wants to remain friends....   Then she posted a song on FB - Out here on my own, by Irene Cara.

Bottom line, i don't know what is going on - but know i have to take a step back, and find out what is going on with me.  I am not confident in my marriage, and need to work that through.  My head is a mess, and i am sadly pathetic.

Not really looking for advice - just wanted to update.....
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