Nancy
ALERT, Long post!!!

I went online (google) to find a forum where people who have had an affair which ended can talk but I stumbled upon this website.

Here goes my story.

I am in my mid 30s, been married for almost 10years with a toddler girl.

For almost 2years, I havnt had intimacy with my husband due to the fact we live in 2 separate continents and country, I have tried all I can, cried, begged, bullied anything you can think of for my husband to atleast travel down to us, which he can but he NEVER wants to and says he is very busy with work, I should manage on my own, I miss Company, I miss affection, atimes he doesn't even call me for days, weeks, I couldn't cheat I never even thought about it, I was depressed, I wasn't taking good care of myself, I stated to look horrible.


I was responsible for my toddler, financially (yes all of it, my husband never sent us a cent), emotionally, physically, anything you can think of I was responsible for it.

Emotionally I was gone, then one night I was super bored and lonely and went of Craigslist just looking around and went to the personals and to men looking for women,now I felt it would be better if it was a married man looking for women, so no st inns attached. I found a few sent a message to 2 of them, one got back to me immediately we started chatting and he was into me instantly too, am Black and he was Caucasian (I like Caucasians a lot). Anyway he started requesting for a video call at least to verify I am not fraud, a prostitute or what have you. I thought to myself I don't have the energy to start proving myself so I decided to just ignore him and he stopped sending messages, probably he got mad I wasn't going to call, video, whatever he wanted. He was 42 years with with 4 boys.

I gave it a rest as I just thought nothing sensible was going to come out of this online thing,then I went again after few days and the loneliness was creeping in faster, now this time I even prayed (am abit spiritual). That I find someone sensible.

Again I sent out 2 messages and got an instant reply from one of them, we started emailing , he said he was 44 years old,I really don't like dating anyone 5 years or older but I said heck this wasn't dating, we will most likely be chatting etc, then we exchanged pictures, I liked what I saw am very attracted to guys with very calm demour, and boy was he good looking! Very good looking if I must say, 6ft 2 and all the works, and he loved all my pictures, it was an instant connection. He loved darker ladies,(his wife was dark), but I felt he Didn't look 44yrs old, I kept asking him when we chatted if he was sure he was 44, because he kept on sending pictures, of him in meetings, him eating, him with his son, with at the opticians, anywhere just pictures pictures and more pictures.

Now we were chatting on a platform that didn't need us to reveal or cell phone numbers, but he instantly sent his numbers and wanted us to text to make it more personal, which I changed my mind against and still stuck to the other chatting platform without the numbers. So he never got my number.

So as we got chatting, I asked him why he was looking for someone else, he told him this was his second marriage and he has been married for 13years and he didn't want it to fail at all because he loves his son too much and wouldn't want to lose not seeing him daily, which will be the case If he divorced but he has been in a sexless marriage for over 6 years, and that his wife has threatened to leave him several times if he wouldn't quit whining about not getting it. So he decided since he can't leave he would just self service the rest of his life, it easier, saner and God wouldn't mind (lol) those were his words.

Now the story is they went for a fertility treatment after 7 years of no children and finall got pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl who came out as early as 24weeks and had to be in the hospital to survive, now the twin girl didn't make it but the boy did and is now a healthy 6 years old, but his wife has been grieving for those entire 6 years of losing the girl twin, well the twist in the entire story is in the mist of her grieving she has cheated on him severally of which he has proof, according to what he said. But in all this he still can't afford to lose his son and will stay in the marriage but now he wants to find his happiness outside.

Now this took a lot of me trying to understand the situation, because to me it felt complied and he keeps saying no it's just what it is and she doesn't love him, they sleep in not only separate rooms but entirely separate parts of the house, but he still makes dinner, and does what a good husband should do.

The irony of it all was after 5 years of marriage I and my husband also embarked on fertility treatments and got pregnant with tripplets, but I initially lost one, then lost the other but only had one baby left and in those nine months of losing 2 babies I was a wreck! Never wanted to go out, didn't want to speak with anyone, always crying, so I can get where his wife might have been coming from as well sincerely, I tried to explain this to him and he kept saying, but I didn't start going out with other men and refused my husband, neither did I threaten my husband.

It was abit complicated but we still remained chatting buddies. The good part was he mentioned he wasn't interested in any form of penetration in intimacy that when or if we ever get to see, but he has missed kissing, etc and I was very fine with that as I wasn't interested in penetration as well. It just sounded very convenient.

Did I mention he was a wealthy man as well, and was ready to dine and wine me, he kept saying I was abit too uptight and he was going to help me to stop being that, but I just couldn't add up the age which he certainly didn't look, because the amount of accomplishments he had, I doubt any 44 year old would have had it, so one day I came up with I have been sincere all this while with you line and I feel you are lying about your age mister and that am sorry we might need to end this friendship I got an instant response of, am sorry I am 49 turning 50 recently I have been feeling too old so pls forgive me.

I wasn't shocked, I laughed it off now I thought to myself am with someone 13-15 years older? Now this is having an affair with an older guy.it wasn't going well with me, but I liked him sooo much to the extent I couldn't care if he was 70. He was just too good looking for me to resist. His voice was the best I have even heard, sounded like those voices from the romance novels, and he kept making voice messages/text just for me to listen to it. It was super cute.

I was out of town all the while we were chatting and we were looking forward to me coming back to town, probably having an innocent lunch dates, maybe a movie date after a while of meeting over lunch and just generally take it slow, since what we wanted mostly was just companionship.

We were very intelligent and intellectual which made most of our chatting even better, he is a director with one of the worlds multinational and I was a teacher (contrast in the high and low wage difference thou, lol) but we read a lot of book and even read books about affairs, and it's dangers (we were weird)!

He was very nervous about it, and I was in denial. He kept saying he wanted to feel loved, important, and someone craving for him, in every single way. I noticed he kept chipping In he needs some e to make he feel important as he is feeling worthless at home, even thou at work he is dealing with billions of dollars, once he is home he feels like a used ragged. I was very sympathetic with his plight as he was to mine as well.

I was so excited for this new friendship I started glowing, you could see the difference. I was smiling more, taking particular extra time to look good (I have been told am very good looking but I just never want to look good), I was so happy for the first time in years, then he send me his regular morning message but this time it seemed weird, I am extra sensitive and I can decifer ones mood from a complete text message, I shoved it off and went out to lunch with my family, still super excited I was returning back to my base the next day and finally meeting my friend, in days, weeks, whatever. Then came the second message it still felt weird. I shoved it off again, sent sent him a picture of i and my little girl, then came the "Awwww" reply , now I knew something was amiss unlike him I hardly send pictures but the few I had sent always come with "beautiful", a lot of compliments and not or never an awww. I was abit worried, then he sent me a message to ask what I was doing and I told him packing an getting ready to fly down to base the next morning and am super excited and he just replied with an emoji?????

By now, I was super mad, I started with what's with the one word replies and he went on to say he was cooking dinner. And that's the last I have heard from him till now.

I don't know what happened in between, I thought I was going to get sick I missed him so much, I read somewhere that heartbreak from an affair is worse than withdrawal symptoms from crack! And boy that was nothing but the truth, I cried, couldn't eat, I. Was just wondering what happened, what went wrong, I went through our chat messages, I know most of the time while we chat I sound like a jerk, but I was just being me and not some lovey dovey lady. I have his number(S) but I will never bring myself to callling him or even sending him a message. I will at least respect his family and his lovely son which he was going to make me meet.

I decided to send him an email. Which was our initial form of communication and told him it's fine if he doesn't want to be friends anymore, I kept saying it while we chatted that I don't want to hurt him and he shouldn't hurt me seeing I was already broken, well I just wanted to know what's going on and I hope he has gotten back with his wife, or whatever he should just let me know so I can find closure, but he never responded up until now.

He kept saying his biggest fear was if he fell in love with me, that would affect a lot of things which he didn't mind, but he can't afford to lose his son and I understand that perfectly seeing I have a beautiful toddler who means the entire universe to me.

I still cry when I look at the million pictures he has sent, his voice texts to me,the emails and I deleted the chat messages as I couldn't bring myself to reading all the lovely compliments, promises, whathave you.

I am moving on very slowly, taking one day at a time.

N:B
My husband has still not contacted me or us to know how we are doing, am basically a single parent which was what my friend was seeing he was always the one with his son the most and we understood what it meant to our kids, some of our chatting session are even about the kids and what we plan on doing for them that day.

We connected to well, we spoke about the Bible, church, anything you can think of.

It it was just an Emotional affair but am broken.
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Keepabuzz
I’m sure you are hurting right now. What is done is done and can’t be changed. I would suggest learning the lessons you can from all of this and moving forward with your life. 

If your husband rarely contacts you, doesn’t financially support you, doesn’t visit, lives in another country. I would say that is not much of a marriage. This doesn’t make it ok for you to have an affair. What you should likely do is divorce your husband. Then find someone, likely not from Craigslist and move forward with your life. 

As as far as your Affair Partner, odds are he was lying to you just as much as he was lying to his wife. So try not to feel like you lost too much other than his money that you were able to enjoy. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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jmh78
I understand it hurts right now and it may be months or years before you have the clarity to see it yourself, but you have dodged a major bullet.  Be thankful that you have escaped this mistake without ruining anybody’s life.

What you felt for your AP was not love, it was infatuation and it would have gone away.  If you were both available maybe it could have developed into a real, healthy, loving relationship, but the fact is neither of you were available to have a real relationship with the other.  Your “relationship” was destined to fail.  You probably won’t believe me right now, but you’ll find similar posts on this forum.  When it’s not your story it may be easier to see how ridiculous it is.

As for your marriage, I agree with Keepabuzz, but you’re the only one who can decide what to do.
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Nancy
Thank you both, I like the comment about losing a major bullet am beginning to think so too. And the odds of him lying? Well I found his story abit ambiguous but he kept insisting he wasn't lying and gets pissed anytime I tell him I find the story hard to believe.
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Guiltguilt
This is the best description of the beginning of the Fog I’ve seen, with all of the usual justifications. If he had been amenable, you’d have gone the whole way. You chose someone who had as much to lose as you, deliberately.

I suggest you read through the stories of others here and you’ll see this story told from the BS point of view. How would your BS feel if he really is working hard while you’re off doing whatever. 

You might wonder why I sound harsh, being a WS and all. I just see all the rubbish justifications I made to myself before my affair here.
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UrbanExplorer
I'm with GuiltGuilt. The way you feel is typical of how people get into affairs, the rationalization and secrecy, and the way affair partners mirror each other and try to believe it's a good fit. It might not feel this way now, but be glad things didn't go farther. Your tender feelings will resolve. 

That said, it sounds like some decisions about your extremely distant marriage are warranted. Is there any way to get to the same geographic location? 

Also, do you have any trusted friends - healthy people - who can alleviate some of your loneliness?
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Nancy
Thank you all, well am new and I don't have anyone here for now, besides my toddler. But it's fine. I really like the description of missing a huge bad miss le, which am thankful for. Well I went on CL to see if the PiG was there with another ad, I feel so stupid but am glad we never went farther than chatting.

after shifting through the ads, I found one with a similar writing pattern and guess what? It was the pig! This time I had to change my writing pattern and this time he had an entirely different story, I couldn't believe my eyes, ears, I made sure I engaged him in a very long conversation (hours) and promised to meet up on a lunch date (which of course I can never go), but to think the same person I felt I had something was just going to use me and jump right at the next person, now an doubting all the lies he made up regarding his wife. For some reason am sure he felt I just wasn't his match or what he was looking for and am glad we never met!

its strange how this all turned out, but am glad I came here, and I thank every single person for their contributions..
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anthropoidape
Nancy wrote:
Thank you all, well am new and I don't have anyone here for now, besides my toddler. But it's fine. I really like the description of missing a huge bad miss le, which am thankful for. Well I went on CL to see if the PiG was there with another ad, I feel so stupid but am glad we never went farther than chatting.

after shifting through the ads, I found one with a similar writing pattern and guess what? It was the pig! This time I had to change my writing pattern and this time he had an entirely different story, I couldn't believe my eyes, ears, I made sure I engaged him in a very long conversation (hours) and promised to meet up on a lunch date (which of course I can never go), but to think the same person I felt I had something was just going to use me and jump right at the next person, now an doubting all the lies he made up regarding his wife. For some reason am sure he felt I just wasn't his match or what he was looking for and am glad we never met!



That's one heck of a lesson. You're lucky.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Nancy
Really lucky!! 
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anthropoidape
So now you work out whether you have a marriage or not and take it from there. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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