You have a very kind heart and clearly feel love and commitment deeply. They are beautiful qualities. However, I believe they are leading you astray in this moment.
Like many others here, I do not believe that someone is the sum and total of their worst mistake and worked to restore my marriage. Fortunately, I had a very dedicated and repentant WS that made that process possible and worthwhile.
However, while I do believe that everyone can make huge mistakes that don’t define them - I do think that be willing and able to make that same mistake AGAIN says a LOT about who they are on a deep level. Mistakes are things you do and realize you won’t ever do again because you dislike the outcome. Doing it again (continuing to lie, seeing the AP) says you are either compulsive or you LIKE the result. Or both.
If you spend some time reading here, you will note a common thread among the majority of the WSs that have had just one affair. They convinced themselves that their secret would stay hidden and if it was revealed that their BS would be hurt but not devastated. Whether they believe that their BS is not that invested in the marriage anymore or just completely fool themselves about the amount of pain a wound like this causes, it seems that the one-timers universally convince themselves that their spouses, children and family/friends will not be harmed to the extent that they really are.
So when DD comes and they see their spouse looking and acting like someone they don’t recognize. - raging, wailing, losing weight, unable to sleep or eat - needless to say they are horrified. The full weight of what they’ve done starts to sink in.
Here’s when a second layer of character shows up. In those that are genuinely good people who got lost amid their own needs/wants/fears, weaknesses and inadequacies - this is a shock to the system. Usually they’ve already been struggling to bury their conscience and this clear vision of the havoc they have wrought on those they love - as well as themselves and who they thought they were - suddenly brings it raging to the surface and EVERYTHING looks different.
They typically go no contact either immediately or very, very quickly and begin to try to do anything they can to make up for what they’ve done. They are sickened by what they did and who they became and start actively trying to rebuild THEMSELVES into better people, while simultaneously attempting to help heal their spouse and marriage. These are the people (in my opinion) that deserve a way home, a chance (if the BS is willing) to rebuild.
Unfortunately, your WW has failed TWICE (actually more.) First in initiating the affair - and the AGAIN - after she saw the pain it caused you and didn’t stop.
Her actions are painfully selfish. Like straight-up next level. She is still calling on you to care for her, be there for her - yet is prolonging and extending your pain.
From the outside looking in, you have two choices:
Decide that you are comfortable with an open marriage (which is what you have now) and act on it. Start dating and meeting other people that can fill the holes she is leaving in your life. You may find you meet someone that is more in sync with the life you want to have.
End the relationship and move on. Tell her you love her, but you also love yourself and know you deserve the kind of love you really want - exclusive and honest. And then go no contact for a minimum of a year. There may come a day when you can be friends. But that will not be any time soon.
In addition, I would suggest looking into co-dependency.The boundaries you are exhibiting while loving and kind - aren’t healthy and will leave you open to unhealthy people who will not treat that heart with the right respect.You need to learn better discernment so that your spouse is the kind of person who guards and loves that heart for the jewel it is. That is not, in any way, what is happening here.