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Phoenix
Keepabuzz wrote:


I don’t think that most have a hard time grasping the concept. I just think that it’s very difficult for them. I mean who wouldn’t choose to look forward as opposed to looking back at that worst thing they have done in their whole life, again and again and again.  I get that. WE know that is exactly what we need though. 

I think they sometimes don’t want to “bring it up” if we don’t. My wife told me back in the early days when I was taking her to task for this same issue, “I don’t want to bring it up to you, if you’re not thinking about it.”  Of course my response was “It’s weighing on me 24/7!!!! It’s NEVER not on my mind!!!”  

For me it’s not about not bringing it up, it’s about staying in a good place while we talk about it. Im scared that one of the talks will put him back in a bad place and ruin the progress and or make him realize he really doesn’t want to stay. It’s weird, I want to keep moving forward not backwards.
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Jennifer
Keepabuzz wrote:


I think they sometimes don’t want to “bring it up” if we don’t. My wife told me back in the early days when I was taking her to task for this same issue, “I don’t want to bring it up to you, if you’re not thinking about it.”  Of course my response was “It’s weighing on me 24/7!!!! It’s NEVER not on my mind!!!”  


Anthro,

So happy to hear there has been progress and steps have been taken to move in a good direction for you.

Keepabuzz,

This quote is something we see a lot with clients we work with. The WS is very hesitant to bring anything up and will often wait for the BS to initiate a conversation. Whenever I have a WS ask "What can I do?" this is one thing I always touch on. Don't wait for the BS to start conversations. Be the one to take responsibility for healing and check-in with your partner. I always tell them that the BS is never not thinking about it in the beginning. Being able to start difficult conversations can go a long way toward healing.
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Keepabuzz
Phoenix wrote:


i think this is where i am. I keep telling my husband to focus on the present and future. I listen but as soon as the anger comes in I tell him that I am talking about the present and future, why go back. 


I understand why you want focus forward. I know when my wife would say things like that to me it felt like was minimizing and saying hurry up and get over this. It always brought out the rage. I would say let him focus where he chooses to focus and support him where ever that is. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ssix6pack
Keepabuzz wrote:


I don’t think that most have a hard time grasping the concept. I just think that it’s very difficult for them. I mean who wouldn’t choose to look forward as opposed to looking back at that worst thing they have done in their whole life, again and again and again.  I get that. WE know that is exactly what we need though. 

I think they sometimes don’t want to “bring it up” if we don’t. My wife told me back in the early days when I was taking her to task for this same issue, “I don’t want to bring it up to you, if you’re not thinking about it.”  Of course my response was “It’s weighing on me 24/7!!!! It’s NEVER not on my mind!!!”  


yes, my husband expressed this. I told him ya his “job” to bring it up, not me. He needs to show me he’s willing to do the work. Since then, it’s been better.


essentially, He needs to focus on the past, helping me to heal, while I focus on the future and current season of healing. If I worded that right...I’m on a few cold medicines right now! Ha. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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