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UrbanExplorer
My children know what happened and with whom, or at least the older two know, as part of the post D-Day disaster. I (WS) wouldn't have told them, nor would my husband have done so. I don't see how it is in their best interest to know, especially if the marriage is not likely ending. 
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anthropoidape
The hard bit is if they ask directly. Lie? Say something vague? My kids are smart. My daughter in particular is unusually perceptive at age eight. By the time she's fifteen she will be reading me like a book. 

And then if they have a vague answer then they will assume I am the one who cheated (because I am so handsome and charming! No, just because of the stereotype.)

I do believe great damage can be done to the parent-child relationship by this kind of revelation, and while having an affair clearly is evidence of not fully caring about your children, I don't think adding that damage years later helps anyone. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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ssix6pack
It’s hard to know the wisest and best thing to do. I simply hope that if we do tell them one day, we are healed and able to show them what a restored marriage looks like. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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BorealJ
ssix6pack wrote:
My children are young, from 10 down to 9 months old. 

My husband has indicated that one day, he feels he will need to confess to them. One, to warn our son of the dangers. And, two, to encourage our daughters to be mindful and careful in a spouse selection (he says he’d like to also tell their future husbands).

Of course, this may change. But, what are your thoughts? 
I'm pretty much in the same boat as Anthro.  I will not lie to my children, but also see no real reason to risk their sense of security or stability.  I suppose putting some thought into it so I'm prepared if the scenario of a direct question ever arises is a good idea.  Not sure how my wife feels about this, and perhaps that will also change as she grows.

Curious, why does your husband feel that the reasons for telling your son are different from the ones for telling your daughters?  
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ssix6pack
BorealJ wrote:
I'm pretty much in the same boat as Anthro.  I will not lie to my children, but also see no real reason to risk their sense of security or stability.  I suppose putting some thought into it so I'm prepared if the scenario of a direct question ever arises is a good idea.  Not sure how my wife feels about this, and perhaps that will also change as she grows.

Curious, why does your husband feel that the reasons for telling your son are different from the ones for telling your daughters?  

I assume it is because he was the unfaithful spouse. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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BorealJ
I ask because I only have daughters but I see myself reflected in them all the time.  I really believe but will never know that I wouldn't see myself in my daughters any less if I had a son.  I'd like to think that my kids wouldn't be viewed any differently based on their sex.  I certainly don't believe that my traits and actions won't affect the development of my daughters' personalities and styles of relating to others just because I'm a man and they are girls.  Who he chooses to be will affect his son, daughters, and you. 
I could be way off base and reading too much into your comment, but is it possible there is an underlying sexism that affects the way your husband relates to others?  Could it be that he has trouble seeing you as an equal and as having equal standing in your relationship that may have been one of his vulnerabilities to infidelity?
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ssix6pack
BorealJ wrote:
I ask because I only have daughters but I see myself reflected in them all the time.  I really believe but will never know that I wouldn't see myself in my daughters any less if I had a son.  I'd like to think that my kids wouldn't be viewed any differently based on their sex.  I certainly don't believe that my traits and actions won't affect the development of my daughters' personalities and styles of relating to others just because I'm a man and they are girls.  Who he chooses to be will affect his son, daughters, and you. 
I could be way off base and reading too much into your comment, but is it possible there is an underlying sexism that affects the way your husband relates to others?  Could it be that he has trouble seeing you as an equal and as having equal standing in your relationship that may have been one of his vulnerabilities to infidelity?


Eh. I’ll have to chew on that a bit. I think it would serve as a warning to them also, but he can only speak from his experience for them to hear. I don’t think he can fathom being on the other end of this, and so right now (at 6 months out) all he can imagine is them marrying someone “like him”, and it scares him. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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BorealJ
What would scare him more: them marrying someone like him, or them becoming that version of him?  Because: https://community.affairhealing.com/post/family-history-of-infidelity-7390679?&trail=15  Not to be alarmist or anything, but it's suggested the odds seem better of the latter.  Just in case you feel he needs to up the ante in his need for personal growth.

If your husband would like a cautionary tale: There is a woman on my wife's side of the family who is described often (by her own family members) as petty, selfish, and even nasty.  She is grossly unaware of how her actions affect others.  At a family event, I met her brother.  He was very kind, gentle, and easy to connect with.  When I asked my wife how those siblings could be so different, she pointed out that their parents were sexist and strongly valued their son more than their daughter.  He was the boy and their pride and joy while she was just the less than daughter.  One of them grew up with a strong sense of self worth while the other did not.  There's probably more to the story, but I don't doubt for a moment that they are different adults because of the differences in the way their parents treated them.

I think about that tale and infidelity because without a doubt, one of my wife's big vulnerabilities to infidelity was a low sense of self-worth that I suspect came from periods of unresponsiveness of her parents to her needs.  She has never been enough in her own mind and has had difficulty being vulnerable to the point that it is an obstacle to connection (I think you're reading Brene Brown so you'll get this idea). 

Anyway, you and your husband seem to value your family and are both involved in your children's lives, so it's probably an unnecessary warning, but my thought process got triggered by your post. 
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ssix6pack
BorealJ wrote:
What would scare him more: them marrying someone like him, or them becoming that version of him?  Because: https://community.affairhealing.com/post/family-history-of-infidelity-7390679?&trail=15  Not to be alarmist or anything, but it's suggested the odds seem better of the latter.  Just in case you feel he needs to up the ante in his need for personal growth.

If your husband would like a cautionary tale: There is a woman on my wife's side of the family who is described often (by her own family members) as petty, selfish, and even nasty.  She is grossly unaware of how her actions affect others.  At a family event, I met her brother.  He was very kind, gentle, and easy to connect with.  When I asked my wife how those siblings could be so different, she pointed out that their parents were sexist and strongly valued their son more than their daughter.  He was the boy and their pride and joy while she was just the less than daughter.  One of them grew up with a strong sense of self worth while the other did not.  There's probably more to the story, but I don't doubt for a moment that they are different adults because of the differences in the way their parents treated them.

I think about that tale and infidelity because without a doubt, one of my wife's big vulnerabilities to infidelity was a low sense of self-worth that I suspect came from periods of unresponsiveness of her parents to her needs.  She has never been enough in her own mind and has had difficulty being vulnerable to the point that it is an obstacle to connection (I think you're reading Brene Brown so you'll get this idea). 

Anyway, you and your husband seem to value your family and are both involved in your children's lives, so it's probably an unnecessary warning, but my thought process got triggered by your post. 


I appreciate your perspective, and the heart behind it. I think both of those ideas would scare him. It’s something I’ll keep in mind if/when we discuss telling the kids again, but, with our youngest being less than a year old....that isn’t even close to happening yet. 

I will say that he and our older daughters have a very close relationship. In no way is there a favoritism feel to it. He works really hard at that (before his ONS, and in increased measure since then.) 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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ssix6pack
Also, I finished one of brene’s books! So helpful! 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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