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wareagle
Don't get me wrong, they talked every week. If she needed information about car purchase or repair or even repairs at home she would ask his advice. We would visit normally once a year. She just did not have the loving relationship I had with my parents. my parents always told me they loved me, we hugged, kissed goodbye. Her parents loved her but she always said she had a disfunctional family.
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wareagle
This is a huge time in my daughter's lives.  My oldest is getting married in May.  This is my youngest's senior year in high school.  I went with my youngest to buy a prom dress the other day.  All these moms helping their daughters and there I am.  My wife will never be able to get these times back.  She missed out on looking for a prom dress, she is gonna miss out on prom, her senior year of softball, my oldest daughter's wedding plans.  This is so out of character for my wife.  She was always so involved with our kids.  But right now she is so selfish.  It is all about her feelings and what she is dealing with.  I hate it for my kids but I hate it for her as well.  My youngest is bitter because as she has told my wife,"You are ruining my senior year". My work has been slow and I can only contribute so much money for  extras stuff and my wife hasn't started working yet and has helped very little.  I have tried to explain it to my daughter that she has no money.  I'm sure my wife thinks that I am bad mouthing her but I am not.  She made a comment via text the other day that I was talking trash about her.  I have not talked any trash about her.  I think she is just feeling guilty.  I just hope that at some point she sees what she is doing to our kids.  Forget what she has done to me, but the kids..... How does a mother leave her kids.  I understand that they are adults but they need her.  She told me when she was thinking of moving away that my 18 year old did not need her.  I said,  Are  you kidding me?  It's just her mindset.  I was just looking at FB and she put this quote up titled, Sleepless nights.  It says something about thinking about the people that walked out on you, disappeared from your life.  That has to be her AP. I believe that she thought that she was going to move back to her hometown and she would be able to have her fantasy with the AP but it has not worked like she thought.  Her best friend tagged her in a quote about Dont waste words on people who deserve your silence.
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UrbanExplorer
That is tough. She must be very shame-filled to have left the children who need her. I feel for you in trying to keep the family functioning all by yourself. I hope her fog lifts before irreparable damage has been done.
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Freewill76
I am like you, my WS left me and my 4 girls (15,13,11,6) after 22 years of a happy marriage together. because he needed to be happy and free with no commitment and they should want that for him ?? He texted eldest 2 about a month ago that they needed to respect his wishes that he did not want to speak to them until financial settlement is fully finalised. So far he has not contacted them. He has now moved his AP into our family home now that her husband found out(kicked us out as shut down all money accounts so moved girls into my mums house also for our own safety as threats have been made against my life from his family) Girls are disgusted by his behaviour and have said they truly don't want to speak to him ever again. (I know they may feel different in 6 months time )They have told him he needs to be accountable for his actions and that they could never have a relationship with him again especially now that he is with his AP.
All he could say was "I'm sorry you feel that way but I will always love you"

I feel your pain because even after all this I still love even though I know logically I could never accept him back as my husband
Just be there for your kids because no matter what they will be the ones that keep you going each minute/hour/day
Unfortunately it may be too late for your wife to salvage a relationship with your kids but that decision is hers and the consequence of her decision is going be all on her too.
Children are resilient but they will never forget and may never forgive her
And I know this as I come from a broken family where my dad did this to my mum. I don't speak to my father not out of hate or anger but simply because he chose to give up his kids for a "free life" and I lost that connection with him
Good luck to you and your family

Sorry it's a bit long I tend to ramble in a bit !!!
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wareagle
You know.... I read so much on here about the BS spouse missing and thinking about their spouses.  I just wonder do the WS miss their spouse too but just do not admit it.  My wife has been putting all kinds of quotes on FB and pintrest about Not sleeping and thinking about family, mistakes, the past.  It makes me wonder if she realizes wishes she could come home.  My wife is not with her AP anymore.  It was over before she left.  She made if very difficult to live together because she would not talk and if she did she would start an argument.  I told her numerous times to lets try to work this out but she was never interested in that.  I do miss her so much and I think about her throughout the day.  I saw someone yesterday at a softball game and she asked where my wife was.  When I told her she left she was shocked.  This was so out of character for my wife.  It is so different with my wife not at the softball tournaments.  This was our family time watching my daughter and seeing her try to achieve her dream of playing college ball.  After the discovery of my wife's EA my daughter decided that she did not want to play in college.  This has effected my daughter so much.  Like the title says, does she really understand the destruction she has caused.
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TimT
Mavrik86 wrote:
...do the WS miss their spouse too but just do not admit it... This was so out of character for my wife...

Yes, I do think that many wayward spouses struggle in the conflict of not only what they want, but what they are learning about themselves through the mess of an affair. Some will go through that process and continue on in a pattern that will eventually repeat itself (leaving one relationship to pursue another). Others will make shifts without returning to their marriage for various reasons, including hopelessness and shame. But for some, their pain will lead them to important considerations that result in significant shifts that may lead them into a wholehearted pursuit to reclaim their marriage and family.

You can't force that change. The best you can do is let her know the door is open, for as long as you're willing to do so, and that you want to join her in the work of recovery. If she knows there is a chance for forgiveness there, perhaps she will want to come back. I hope she'll eventually risk it.
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wareagle
Just from some of the quotes I have seen my wife post, her best friend post and tag her, what my daughter has told me and our friend I think she is struggling. But I am not sure if it is me or because her AP has cut off contact. She just started a new job today. Like one of her friends told me, "I can't believe this. Her family meant everything to her." It's had for people that don't know us to understand just how close we were. My daughter was playing for a high level softball team trying to get a scholarship so we traveled during June to November 2 weekends a month. my wife took 500 to 700 pics a weekend and was my daughters biggest fan along with me. I took her to any out of town doctor appointments. I stood by her through 2 miscarriages then infertility treatments, neck surgery and loss of her job. I was not like a lot of men in my area hunting or doing stuff with the guys. If she went shopping she wanted me to go with her. It was boring but I did it because we loved each other. She does keep in touch with our girls. This weekend I kept her up to date on how my daughter was doing in a softball tournament. when she left I made a cd with some songs and told her how they related to my feelings. I also told her in the letter that I would always be open to reconciling but at some point the answer may be no. She came for a hearing in January and I spoke up saying I don't want a divorce. I love my wife and will do anything to fix our marriage. So she knows how I feel. I'm just trying to give her time and space and hopefully she will come home.
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