Blessedby7
Not sure the title is accurate, but I find myself more emotional the more I come and read these forums, try to understand, or even listen or read books on healing.  It's like I can almost shut it off when things are going well, and not think about it much, not hurt much, but then I feel like I'm just ignoring the problem, even though the husband and I are talking and he's doing everything I need him to do.  If I'm working on things, then that means I'm thinking about things, and that means I'm emotional.  Am I crazy? Am I just trying to be "out of sight, out of mind"?  I want to do real healing, but I don't want to just keep reopening wounds either.  
Tired of working on us, so now I'm working on me. 
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Sunflower_dj
I was literally just thinking a similar thought yesterday. You’ll notice in the ‘goodbye’ section a lot of people do leave the forum for that reason.
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ssix6pack
For me, I’ve had to find the difference between processing information and dwelling on information. There IS a difference. One, for me, leads to self pity and a sense of “woe is me”. The other is productive. I have to deny myself self pity and pointless dwelling, it’s work! And, I’ve found it takes a ton of self control and discernment. But, it has been so worth it. I’ve also found it helpful to “talk back” to my thoughts. 

“This seems like self pity. I’m not interested in this. My marriage now is better than it was then. I’m moving on.” And then, move on! 

anyway. Not sure if that helps, but I do think there’s a healthy way/time to deal with info, and then a way that is unhealthy. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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Keepabuzz
I think it’s “different strokes for different folks”. I wasn’t able to “turn off” the pain for a very long time. This place was the one place I could go, no matter where in the world I was, no matter what time it was. Even if I posted and no one answered for a awhile because it was in the middle of the night or time zone difference, it helped. 

For me, I was searching. Searching for the roadmap, the step by step plan. This because that is how my brain works. We all know this doesn’t exist. I read many times, in many places about “doing the recovery work”, but never found a definition of what that ACTUALLY means. It seemed to boil down to:

1. Put strong boundaries in place. 
2. Ensure your WS is “doing their part”
3. Try to control your emotions. If you can’t, that’s fine, just work on it. 
4. It’s gets better. 

I had number one done on d-day. Number 2 was coming along. Number 3 wasn’t even in the realm of possibility until into year 2. Number 4, well that is true. 

I guess my point is that if this place is triggering to you, and does more harm than good, then I would stop coming here. I don’t personally think it’s “rug sweeping” if, after some time, you are able to ”put it away” at times. If you never speak of it, act like it didn’t happen, let your boundaries been crossed, etc, then yes that is rug sweeping. I don’t think that is what you’re doing. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ssix6pack
Keepabuzz wrote:
I think it’s “different strokes for different folks”. I wasn’t able to “turn off” the pain for a very long time. This place was the one place I could go, no matter where in the world I was, no matter what time it was. Even if I posted and no one answered for a awhile because it was in the middle of the night or time zone difference, it helped. 

For me, I was searching. Searching for the roadmap, the step by step plan. This because that is how my brain works. We all know this doesn’t exist. I read many times, in many places about “doing the recovery work”, but never found a definition of what that ACTUALLY means. It seemed to boil down to:

1. Put strong boundaries in place. 
2. Ensure your WS is “doing their part”
3. Try to control your emotions. If you can’t, that’s fine, just work on it. 
4. It’s gets better. 

I had number one done on d-day. Number 2 was coming along. Number 3 wasn’t even in the realm of possibility until into year 2. Number 4, well that is true. 

I guess my point is that if this place is triggering to you, and does more harm than good, then I would stop coming here. I don’t personally think it’s “rug sweeping” if, after some time, you are able to ”put it away” at times. If you never speak of it, act like it didn’t happen, let your boundaries been crossed, etc, then yes that is rug sweeping. I don’t think that is what you’re doing. 


#2 has been so big for me. I really think that’s why we are where we are. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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Keepabuzz
ssix6pack wrote:


#2 has been so big for me. I really think that’s why we are where we are. 


It was a huge help for me too, it just took me a long, long time to start to believe it was real, or the motivation was pure.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ssix6pack
Keepabuzz wrote:


It was a huge help for me too, it just took me a long, long time to start to believe it was real, or the motivation was pure.  


I find myself pondering this a lot. I still watch cautiously  to ensure it is “real”. And, if old behaviors re-emerge, even ones that aren’t in themselves problematic (like, occasional laziness or grumpiness) I feel myself wanting to self protect. But, how long does one have to be changed for it to be real, or believable? 

I’m guessing it’s just a slow process made up of hundreds of seemingly small decisions. 

My husband’s entire nature seems different. My gut instinct screams very loudly that it is genuine, and frankly...my instinct has rarely been wrong. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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Keepabuzz
ssix6pack wrote:


I find myself pondering this a lot. I still watch cautiously  to ensure it is “real”. And, if old behaviors re-emerge, even ones that aren’t in themselves problematic (like, occasional laziness or grumpiness) I feel myself wanting to self protect. But, how long does one have to be changed for it to be real, or believable? 

I’m guessing it’s just a slow process made up of hundreds of seemingly small decisions. 

My husband’s entire nature seems different. My gut instinct screams very loudly that it is genuine, and frankly...my instinct has rarely been wrong. 


I guess mine is a bit different. She isn’t a different person. She was back to being the person I married, and that had been gone for so long.  So I didn’t doubt her sincerity too much, but I seriously doubted her resolve. Like she was being on her best behavior because she was in trouble, and I was very concerned how long this “best behavior” would last. I also had zero desire to be in a marriage where she was only “being good” because she had gotten into trouble. 

There are times (very rarely) where some old behaviors pop up, but I call them out immediately, and she recognizes them, apologizes, and I am able to move on quickly. These are not deceptive, or dishonest behaviors, those are deal breakers for me, and she knows it. 

I do think that it is a long long track record of small decisions of doing the right thing. We all have to decide for ourselves when we start to believe it. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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hurting
I was literally just thinking a similar thought yesterday. You’ll notice in the ‘goodbye’ section a lot of people do leave the forum for that reason.


I too, was wondering this.

Like Keepabuzz, this place often serves as an outlet for the pain and torment I have experienced because of my husband. Sometimes it is the best outlet for it all, and it HELPS. 

But I do wonder whether I internalise some of the pain and struggles of others, and it amplifies my own...
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anthropoidape
I think this forum can be triggering or at least confronting at times. However that is really insignificant compared to real life triggers anyway.

There is a specific pitfall I've noticed along the same lines though. It is the one where you start feeling a bit okay and then remind yourself "but actually this happened, so don't relax!" I think it is a natural reaction to danger, like once you have slipped on ice and cracked your head open you are never going to be really relaxed around ice ever again. You might be walking on ice and feeling okay and remind yourself to be alert again. It is not helpful in post-affair recovery (although it is totally logical).

That action of leeping the pain alive as a sort of survival strategy is something I am still working out how to deal with. 

I think visiting this forum can be a symptom, not so much a cause. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Blessedby7
Keepabuzz wrote:


For me, I was searching. Searching for the roadmap, the step by step plan. This because that is how my brain works. We all know this doesn’t exist. I read many times, in many places about “doing the recovery work”, but never found a definition of what that ACTUALLY means. It seemed to boil down to:

1. Put strong boundaries in place. 
2. Ensure your WS is “doing their part”
3. Try to control your emotions. If you can’t, that’s fine, just work on it. 
4. It’s gets better. 
 


Yes!  I keep seeing "doing the work" and I'm thinking "what work!"  We are talking.  He is doing what I need, though sometimes it's hard for him, and I understand that.  What else do I/we need to do?!  I do feel like there should be more.  I also keep seeing how things are "new", "better" and i feel like I'm missing something.  We've had good in our marriage, and I just dont know what "better" is compared to that.  Right now I feel like we are good friends, partners, but I still feel like there should be more, and I dont know what that is or how to get there. 
Tired of working on us, so now I'm working on me. 
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Blessedby7


There is a specific pitfall I've noticed along the same lines though. It is the one where you start feeling a bit okay and then remind yourself "but actually this happened, so don't relax!" I think it is a natural reaction to danger, like once you have slipped on ice and cracked your head open you are never going to be really relaxed around ice ever again. You might be walking on ice and feeling okay and remind yourself to be alert again. It is not helpful in post-affair recovery (although it is totally logical).

That action of leeping the pain alive as a sort of survival strategy is something I am still working out how to deal with. 

I think visiting this forum can be a symptom, not so much a cause. 


Hm, this feels like it rings true.  It's like I'll stop and think "hm, he's only been seriously trying for a few weeks, we cant possibly be through this.  It's not even been three months since D-Day, I should be hurting more." So I come here, or listen to an audio book or something to try and figure out what "recovery work" I should be doing, or he should be doing, but it just seems to bring me down. 

Although, actually coming here and exploring these feelings definitely feels better then just reading, as I often do. 
Tired of working on us, so now I'm working on me. 
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TimT
Keepabuzz wrote:
...if this place is triggering to you, and does more harm than good, then I would stop coming here. I don’t personally think it’s “rug sweeping” if, after some time, you are able to ”put it away” at times. If you never speak of it, act like it didn’t happen, let your boundaries been crossed, etc, then yes that is rug sweeping. I don’t think that is what you’re doing. 

Well said, Keep.
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seventy7
Keepabuzz wrote:


It was a huge help for me too, it just took me a long, long time to start to believe it was real, or the motivation was pure.  


This is so true! My wife has been on her best behavior since everything has come out. She is back to being the woman that I fell in love with 20 years ago. But I still sometimes think that this is temporary and am just waiting for her to fall back into bad habits. She hasn’t given me any inclination that’s the case, but I am not ready to Trust that feeling yet. 

I hope in time it will come...15 months post D-Day and it is getting easier.
Male BS
Married 17 years
D-Day 11/1/2017
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anthropoidape

Blessedby7 wrote:
Hm, this feels like it rings true.  It's like I'll stop and think "hm, he's only been seriously trying for a few weeks, we cant possibly be through this. 


I am kind of hesitant to comment but... I do feel your instinct is on the money here. Given the history you are dealing with, your husband couldn't realistically have changed his values or nature without taking a serious, honest look at himself. And he couldn't take a serious, honest look at himself and not then have at least a couple of years* of anguish as he works through that. If he has truly open eyes, then looking in the mirror is a relentless horror movie for him for some time now. If he currently seeems to be doing okay, then it's superficial and false and can't possibly be trusted. 

Of course I am on the outside and have a lot less info to work with than you. So all I am saying is, from what I have seen of cheating spouses in general, you would be right to be cautious.

 

*"years" is not a typo, nobody sorts themselves out from all this mess in less than two years, that is one thing I have learned.

Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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