thanks for sharing. I can’t even tell you how helpful these inner thoughts are for me to read. 

im really sorry Ginger, I really hope your wife can see what she has done and what she has to do to win you back because it sounds like you want her to try because you are still there. Yesterday I apologized to my husband in front of my kids for disrespecting him (regarding the affair). I would have never done this before. I was to prideful and entitled. This whole situation has showed me how valuable he is and what he deserves as a man. I hope your WS does to. 

She says she does not want to spend the rest of her life apologizing whenever I'm down. I agree and the exit door sounds like the best solution. She's been sick for a week. And I've taken cared of her in my usual way as much as I can. But I had a manic depressive episode on Sunday night. Felt very sad about myself. Did not feel compassion for her but resentment. I felt, here I am for you. Where is your hero boyfriend ? If he is every bit as good as you say he is, then he should bloody well take care of you, day in and day out. And we'll see how much he likes it. 

thanks for sharing. I can’t even tell you how helpful these inner thoughts are for me to read. 

Pheonix, please tell us...how did you come to SEE? What happened or what epiphany did you have. or what otherwise opened your eyes? To go from a being woman who threatens her husband with replacement unless he delivers a house to being the woman who wrote the aobe post seems kind of miraculous.

So what happened?

PHOENIX  ...  Thank you for the courage to post your life and feelings. 

I believe that there is never one particular thing that leads to infidelity but a string of events, feelings and miscommunications.  There is pride and weakness planted in the greener grass from the silver tongued snake.  Once you get yourself on that greener and softer grass you realize that it is a ruse, and that grass soon turns to straw.  Unfortunately, so much damage is done between stepping on that velvety soft green grass to the raw and hard straw that is the inevitable bed.

I don't like any of it.  I don't like all the lies..... for what ???  

I have asked my WS husband many times.... was she worth it ???  He always answered and answers, ABSOLUTELY NOT !!! 

Sometimes I feel that the WS is coming from the TOP to the middle and the BS is coming from the bottom to meet in the middle.  I don't if one is worse than the other.

"T"

youre welcome Trinity. That’s all I can do now. There is nothing else I can do to salvage my own marriage. I’m still hanging on, still fighting. Looking for those small things that give me hope. I completely agree with you on your analogy. That’s a perfect way of putting it. I just finished listening to that same question jus a few minutes ago “was it worth losing everything?” My answer is also no. That only makes him more angry because why did I lose everything for a few moments? At the time because I was a weak person with little values. Or because I placed value on something that did not have any. I don’t know the exact answer. There are so many. I think and think, read, listen but I can’t come up with the definitive answer. 

That makes perfect sense, Phoenix. A five-month absence brought you to a realization of how valuable he was to you. Thank you so much for sharing with us and I pray that you and your husband are able to carry on - together.

Pheonix. I can relate to a huge number of the things you say. I also was an exceptionally entitled and ungreatful wife who used to use emotional manipulation on my husband. 

I focused on what he didnt provide more than what he did. 

Our marriage has survived an affair because to a large part I realised my selfishness and lack of appreciation for him. I was lucky enough than he was able to work with me to forgive me.

If your husband is not prepared to work with you, then do the work for yourself. Maybe he will come back, or Maybe you will just be a happier and healthier person in your next relationship. I can strongly recommend therapy as a way to reach this insight. It worked for me.

But It is a very difficult path, to face yourself own demons and the parts of you than you dont like to admit exist.

One day you can even get to the point where you forgive the you that you where for not understanding what is now so obvious.

Strength.

I don't know if having the exact answer is the road to perdition.  Honestly, IF my husband would just say to me... I was weak, I was taken advantage of, I was lost in my own selfishness, I was not the person who I strive to be.  We would be further in healing then we are.  Unfortunately my husband has shame and complete embarrassment.  For him to admit that the woman that he had a ONS with was NOT a woman that he would EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER pursue...  and because I am smart enough to find out WHO she is.... is an embarrassment to him.  

He portrays himself as a fit military man who runs marathons..... but the woman he had sex with .... well lets just say was ripe for any persons taking.  It baffles me ....  why she was even attractive to him.  

"T"

i truly hope that you can get that from him one day soon. To bad he is always away. I feel like that’s a big obstacle to recover faster to. He is not there to actually “SEE” your hurt.  But regardless Why? If there is still love can we not do what needs to be done to save our marriage. I hope this makes sense.