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Phoenix
ssix6pack wrote:


thanks for sharing. I can’t even tell you how helpful these inner thoughts are for me to read. 

i am so glad they are. I’m glad I can give back to the community that has been supportive, kind and extremely helpful to me. 
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GingerHoneyBunny
Phoenix wrote:

im really sorry Ginger, I really hope your wife can see what she has done and what she has to do to win you back because it sounds like you want her to try because you are still there. Yesterday I apologized to my husband in front of my kids for disrespecting him (regarding the affair). I would have never done this before. I was to prideful and entitled. This whole situation has showed me how valuable he is and what he deserves as a man. I hope your WS does to. 


She says she does not want to spend the rest of her life apologizing whenever I'm down. I agree and the exit door sounds like the best solution. She's been sick for a week. And I've taken cared of her in my usual way as much as I can. But I had a manic depressive episode on Sunday night. Felt very sad about myself. Did not feel compassion for her but resentment. I felt, here I am for you. Where is your hero boyfriend ? If he is every bit as good as you say he is, then he should bloody well take care of you, day in and day out. And we'll see how much he likes it. 
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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AnywhereButHere
Well, tell her she doesn't have to apologize any more...but that doesn't mean you're not going to be down any more. That's what I tell my wife because, frankly, I don't want her to keep apologizing. We, both, need to work at keeping our marriage a place where we both want to be. It doesn't mean that it's always going to be a happy and comfortable place to be. But she doesn't have to keep groveling...and I don't have to pretend I'm happy in order to not make her uncomfortable. 
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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Phoenix


She says she does not want to spend the rest of her life apologizing whenever I'm down. I agree and the exit door sounds like the best solution. She's been sick for a week. And I've taken cared of her in my usual way as much as I can. But I had a manic depressive episode on Sunday night. Felt very sad about myself. Did not feel compassion for her but resentment. I felt, here I am for you. Where is your hero boyfriend ? If he is every bit as good as you say he is, then he should bloody well take care of you, day in and day out. And we'll see how much he likes it. 


my husband feels the same way. He has stopped doing the little things that mattered, like opening the gate door at night when I get home from work. I understand I don’t deserve those things. I don’t mind apologizing every second of the day. He doesn’t want to hear it cuz he feels it’s not genuine. Again I’m not the victim he is, but it’s so frustrating to hear BS spouses wanting to repair with their WS and hearing stories on how their WS’s just don’t put any effort or little effort. 
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Phoenix
ssix6pack wrote:


thanks for sharing. I can’t even tell you how helpful these inner thoughts are for me to read. 

i am so glad they are. I’m glad I can give back to the community that has been supportive, kind and extremely helpful to me.
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Phoenix
billg3436 wrote:
Pheonix, please tell us...how did you come to SEE? What happened or what epiphany did you have. or what otherwise opened your eyes? To go from a being woman who threatens her husband with replacement unless he delivers a house to being the woman who wrote the aobe post seems kind of miraculous.

So what happened?


I apologize for taking so long to reply. It came 6 years ago more or less. The first time I felt I almost lost it all. Legal matters, we lost our home, we were going to lose our family, and we were going to lose at least 15 years of our lives. I have always loved my family very much. I have always out done myself to take care of my kids. To try to have a hot meal on the table, clean cloths, clean house, stay thin all while working. Many women do this, it’s no miracle. While doing all of this I did not take care of him the way I should of. He was taken away from us for 5 months. Those were the worse five months of my life. Here is where I realized how valuable he was to me. How much I took him for granted. How much I missed him. How he completed me. Here is where I realized how much I did not deserve him. This is when I started my journey. I swore to myself I would start making changes. I supported him %100. I made sure he knew he was not alone. We spoke every night and I wrote to him every single day. When he came back, he had realized the same thing. The tables started changing. My changes were not drastic enough or fast enough. So things started going downhill for me,  To the point that he no longer had the patience for any of my bulls**t. He started questioning me more often of what he always suspected. Until I decided. 
I have watched almost every single video that Patrick Doyle has on YouTube. He is a Christian counselor, not your typical Christian counselor. He believes in tough love. He says this a lot “only two things cause you to change, Inspiration or desperation.” I know it sounds harsh but it’s the truth. I really took my BS for granted all those years. I never thought he would leave, stop loving me, lose patience. When I told him about my affair it was the straw that broke the camels back. This whole Process is what made me work harder than ever to realize what I have done wrong and what I needed to do to be a different person. Maybe if this had not happened I would have never seen the urgency in working harder to save my marriage. I do not know if any of what I have realized or that I am doing has come fast enough or will be enough for him to see my sincerity and decide to stay. As of now I am writing this from my bed on a Monday morning because last night was very hard. I could not bring myself to go to work. I hope this answers your question.
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Trinity
PHOENIX  ...  Thank you for the courage to post your life and feelings. 

I believe that there is never one particular thing that leads to infidelity but a string of events, feelings and miscommunications.  There is pride and weakness planted in the greener grass from the silver tongued snake.  Once you get yourself on that greener and softer grass you realize that it is a ruse, and that grass soon turns to straw.  Unfortunately, so much damage is done between stepping on that velvety soft green grass to the raw and hard straw that is the inevitable bed.

I don't like any of it.  I don't like all the lies..... for what ???  

I have asked my WS husband many times.... was she worth it ???  He always answered and answers, ABSOLUTELY NOT !!! 

Sometimes I feel that the WS is coming from the TOP to the middle and the BS is coming from the bottom to meet in the middle.  I don't if one is worse than the other.

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Phoenix
Trinity wrote:
PHOENIX  ...  Thank you for the courage to post your life and feelings. 

I believe that there is never one particular thing that leads to infidelity but a string of events, feelings and miscommunications.  There is pride and weakness planted in the greener grass from the silver tongued snake.  Once you get yourself on that greener and softer grass you realize that it is a ruse, and that grass soon turns to straw.  Unfortunately, so much damage is done between stepping on that velvety soft green grass to the raw and hard straw that is the inevitable bed.

I don't like any of it.  I don't like all the lies..... for what ???  

I have asked my WS husband many times.... was she worth it ???  He always answered and answers, ABSOLUTELY NOT !!! 

Sometimes I feel that the WS is coming from the TOP to the middle and the BS is coming from the bottom to meet in the middle.  I don't if one is worse than the other.

"T"


youre welcome Trinity. That’s all I can do now. There is nothing else I can do to salvage my own marriage. I’m still hanging on, still fighting. Looking for those small things that give me hope. I completely agree with you on your analogy. That’s a perfect way of putting it. I just finished listening to that same question jus a few minutes ago “was it worth losing everything?” My answer is also no. That only makes him more angry because why did I lose everything for a few moments? At the time because I was a weak person with little values. Or because I placed value on something that did not have any. I don’t know the exact answer. There are so many. I think and think, read, listen but I can’t come up with the definitive answer. 
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Trinity
Phoenix wrote:


youre welcome Trinity. That’s all I can do now. There is nothing else I can do to salvage my own marriage. I’m still hanging on, still fighting. Looking for those small things that give me hope. I completely agree with you on your analogy. That’s a perfect way of putting it. I just finished listening to that same question jus a few minutes ago “was it worth losing everything?” My answer is also no. That only makes him more angry because why did I lose everything for a few moments? At the time because I was a weak person with little values. Or because I placed value on something that did not have any. I don’t know the exact answer. There are so many. I think and think, read, listen but I can’t come up with the definitive answer. 


I don't know if having the exact answer is the road to perdition.  Honestly, IF my husband would just say to me... I was weak, I was taken advantage of, I was lost in my own selfishness, I was not the person who I strive to be.  We would be further in healing then we are.  Unfortunately my husband has shame and complete embarrassment.  For him to admit that the woman that he had a ONS with was NOT a woman that he would EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER pursue...  and because I am smart enough to find out WHO she is.... is an embarrassment to him.  

He portrays himself as a fit military man who runs marathons..... but the woman he had sex with .... well lets just say was ripe for any persons taking.  It baffles me ....  why she was even attractive to him.  

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Sorry
Pheonix. I can relate to a huge number of the things you say. I also was an exceptionally entitled and ungreatful wife who used to use emotional manipulation on my husband. 

I focused on what he didnt provide more than what he did. 

Our marriage has survived an affair because to a large part I realised my selfishness and lack of appreciation for him. I was lucky enough than he was able to work with me to forgive me.

If your husband is not prepared to work with you, then do the work for yourself. Maybe he will come back, or Maybe you will just be a happier and healthier person in your next relationship. I can strongly recommend therapy as a way to reach this insight. It worked for me.

But It is a very difficult path, to face yourself own demons and the parts of you than you dont like to admit exist.

One day you can even get to the point where you forgive the you that you where for not understanding what is now so obvious.

Strength.
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AnywhereButHere
That makes perfect sense, Phoenix. A five-month absence brought you to a realization of how valuable he was to you. Thank you so much for sharing with us and I pray that you and your husband are able to carry on - together.
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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Phoenix
billg3436 wrote:
That makes perfect sense, Phoenix. A five-month absence brought you to a realization of how valuable he was to you. Thank you so much for sharing with us and I pray that you and your husband are able to carry on - together.

thank you so much, I really do appreciate your prayers. 
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Phoenix
Sorry wrote:
Pheonix. I can relate to a huge number of the things you say. I also was an exceptionally entitled and ungreatful wife who used to use emotional manipulation on my husband. 

I focused on what he didnt provide more than what he did. 

Our marriage has survived an affair because to a large part I realised my selfishness and lack of appreciation for him. I was lucky enough than he was able to work with me to forgive me.

If your husband is not prepared to work with you, then do the work for yourself. Maybe he will come back, or Maybe you will just be a happier and healthier person in your next relationship. I can strongly recommend therapy as a way to reach this insight. It worked for me.

But It is a very difficult path, to face yourself own demons and the parts of you than you dont like to admit exist.

One day you can even get to the point where you forgive the you that you where for not understanding what is now so obvious.

Strength.


thank you, Sorry. It is a very difficult path. I was so sure I was right. I was so sure that the way I carried my marriage was the right way, aside from the affair. All of this has opened my my eyes and it’s a very cruel reality. I don’t want to live in the “ should of or could of” but it hurts to know that I threw away 23 years of marriage. Now I am working really hard on myself, reading books and making the decision to move on From my therapist to a new one. It’s been 10 months and we both agree that we have made no progress. My husband is trying so hard to give me the opportunity to show him how much I love him and our marriage. I changed a lot from when we first met to when we got married. I had an idea of what marriage should of been because of what I saw in my home. I tried to imitate that, instead of letting my hopes and dreams dictate what I wanted. The worst thing I could of done. My mother ran out Home like a sergeant. She had her moments of tenderness but she was usually a hard woman. She showed us she loved us by doing her chores with her heart but she didn’t show us love. I did the same. I’m trying to rectify that in my home with my kids. My son is 22 and it’s hard for me to get close to him. My daughter is 16 and also a hard a**. I hope it’s not to late for me show them how to love the right way. 
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Phoenix
Trinity wrote:


I don't know if having the exact answer is the road to perdition.  Honestly, IF my husband would just say to me... I was weak, I was taken advantage of, I was lost in my own selfishness, I was not the person who I strive to be.  We would be further in healing then we are.  Unfortunately my husband has shame and complete embarrassment.  For him to admit that the woman that he had a ONS with was NOT a woman that he would EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER pursue...  and because I am smart enough to find out WHO she is.... is an embarrassment to him.  

He portrays himself as a fit military man who runs marathons..... but the woman he had sex with .... well lets just say was ripe for any persons taking.  It baffles me ....  why she was even attractive to him.  

"T"

i truly hope that you can get that from him one day soon. To bad he is always away. I feel like that’s a big obstacle to recover faster to. He is not there to actually “SEE” your hurt.  But regardless Why? If there is still love can we not do what needs to be done to save our marriage. I hope this makes sense. 
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Trinity
Phoenix wrote:

i truly hope that you can get that from him one day soon. To bad he is always away. I feel like that’s a big obstacle to recover faster to. He is not there to actually “SEE” your hurt.  But regardless Why? If there is still love can we not do what needs to be done to save our marriage. I hope this makes sense. 


Honestly, it would not make anything better for him to disclose to me the reasons why and why her.  I love my husband dearly.  100% truthful in saying that I never lost one ounce of love for him not even on my darkest days.  His infidelity added a whole host of other feelings to the mix but LOVE, it was always there and still is.  

I'm doing all I can to heal and rebuild and I want us to come out of this better and stronger.  It's very difficult and although it's been over a year since D-Day I still struggle.  I think I struggle with safety and trust more than anything right now.   

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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