anthropoidape
I have been on this forum for some months now and... pretty well nobody seems to successfully reconcile after an affair. It seems like those that are still together after a couple of years post d day are still hoping against hope, or are burdened with intense pain for which their cheating spouse is a continuous trigger.

We all know that the pain of betrayal and deceit is just unimaginably hard to live with. And the person who caused it is always a reminder of it. 

Is there anything more to hope for than limping along in a pointless half life? 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Heidi
My parents would say they've made it. It's been around 40 years since my dad's affair and my mum says she hardly thinks about it. They're still together and on vacation right now.

As for me and my WH, we're still a work in progress. I've forgiven the affair, and he's worked hard on changing. But we have a huge issue between us regarding his parents and we can't see eye to eye on it. I'm prepared to walk away rather than be hurt again.

I think that's where a lot of BSes end up. We grow, we become strong and our WHes don't keep pace with us. I'm giving my husband time to catch up, the same way he gave me time, but I won't wait forever.
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PaperWalls
I've been wondering along these lines as well. In the first few weeks I was here I was very optimistic that we would be fine, now in the short while longer I'm becoming more doubtful. I see others still struggling after years. Others saying they are reminded and think of the affair daily even 3 and 4 years down the road, or longer. 

2 months in and my confidence is severely waning. Every kiss and I love you feels less sincere. I find myself moving more towards leaving, I voice my doubts and tell her I don't think we will make it and she gets upset, apologizes, and tells me how she wishes to keep trying.  Seeing her like this convinced me that maybe I can get by and it lasts for a few days or a week and then we do it again. I just fear that this will be my life forever if I decide to stay. Maybe the times between will get longer, but I think the doubt and being so unsure will always be there. That's not how I want to spend the rest of my life.
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Ginger
It ruins everything,  one way or another.  Reconciliation boards....leave the cheater boards, everyone trying to make the best of effed up lives,  but forever changed by it no matter the path taken.  That's my latest realization.  
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anthropoidape
I am coming up to 10 months since d-day. And nearly two years since my wife "broke up" with me without telling me why, only to then say she would keep trying (while continuing her affair.)

So ten months is pretty early days in this process, I understand, and so I should not be too concerned that I am still re-running things she said and did to me during the affair and after d-day which were horrible, humiliating, and very hard to live with. 

But you know. Ten months is a short time for rebuilding after an affair. It's a pretty quick time for building a new life as a single person. If she'd been honest and we had separated when she "broke up" with me, soon after the affair started, I would be nearly two years of my life into a different future by now.

Having an affair is a sign of a really weak and selfish character. But I sometimes wonder if the weakest and most selfish thing they do is what they do later - when they let us keep trying. The courageous position would be: I've done too much damage, I know you are saying you want to keep trying but the only right thing for me to do is let you go.


Are the ones who leave and don't come back ultimately the ones with more backbone?
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Keepabuzz
This is a question that has been in the forefront of my mind for quite some time. Those of us that have stayed, are giving the WS a pass to some extent? I mean, the repercussions that the WS experience is obviously less if the BS stays than if the BS leaves the marriage.  If the BS stays, likey they tell very few people. If any.  Where as if they leave they usually make it clear to everyone the reason why they leave. So it becomes public, and then follows the shame, I would assume. I mean honestly, what price do they pay?  Difficult Spouse to deal with? I do believe that WS are highly skilled in compartmentalism.  Otherwise they couldn’t function in reality. They can just “put it away”.  I’m not saying they don’t feel bad about it, but they seem to be able to “put into away”. We as BS can’t do that. We have to live with it every minute of everyday. 

If I had thrown my wife out, she would be living on $9/hr. Where as I provide a 6 figure income. The price she had paid is literally nominal. She hasn’t had to live with the repercussions. In our state, if you cheat, you can’t even ask for spousal support. Child would have been non-existent since they would have lived with me. 

Was it it too easy on her? That wasn’t my intent, but it is certainly a concern for me. I mean. She had no idea of the pain I was experiencing.  She just saw rage, for a long time. That’s really all i could show her for a very long time. 

i 100% believe that leaving the marriage after an affair would by far be the easiest path, but it’d not what is best for the kids. It’s a hard road we are on.  

It does get easier. 

i don’t think forgetting it is attainable.  I strive for the day it doesn’t hurt me. I only have hope.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Betrayed5times
My wife and I have been together for 7 years, married for 5 years this January. Across the last 7 years, she has cheated on me 5 times. Almost once per year with two years off. If I hear the words, " I promise, this time I'll be better," I'll snap. Two weeks ago Monday, guy #5 showed up at my front door, looking for my wife. I had just gotten home from work, having dinner and that is what I, apparently, go to work and work my ass off for. 

She's given endless apologies, and empty promises. This time is the last time I'll be walked all over. Stockholm Syndrome be damned. I won't do it again. This time I sought out help. I can't live in a marriage when I am the only one trying. We met tonight with a counselor for the first time and she says it's my fault she f**ked some other guy(s). 

Hope is what you're looking for? No. Hope doesn't live here anymore. 
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anthropoidape
My god that's awful B5T. I hope you are free of that very soon. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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DorothyJane7
anthropoidape and keepabuzz, I definitely understand what you're saying. I'd be lying to myself if I didn't acknowledge feeling all of that and fearing those things. I used to think it was a struggle between justice and mercy, that I felt things were "too easy" on my WS. Doesn't seem to ring true, though. 

It seems all tied back to the violation of trust and the disillusionment that comes as a consequence of an affair. It's like, "You didn't protect me, even in the most elementary sense of the word. You violated me in an unimaginable way. Am I to be content, comfortable, and accept you are who I get forevermore as 'my other half' and partner?" Content and comfortable are mostly what I'm missing in my life.

I wonder if we are rebuilding right on an earthquake's fault line - would my husband even know or acknowledge it within himself. He's apparently able to delude himself quite easily, you know?

It's just always this type of undermining, depressing stuff that bubbles up, fades away, and roars back again. I hope, like some have said, that it becomes less and less.

I do think there is a need for many of us to hear from successfully reconciled couples. I'd say most of them don't want to talk about it over and over. It probably threatens their own peace and well-being.  
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Damaged
My issue is that the “Spark” is gone. I had fireworks for my H before D day. I was even “ all in” after D day. Told our MC that we were soulmates. Found out that he was still talking to her by phone 6 months after D day. He lied when I asked him about it. After that the flame was extinguished. I still love my H but it’s probably the kind of love most people have after 26 years of marriage. About 1 year after D day my H had a revelation. Things became very clear to him about how ugly and horrible this whole thing was. Now he tells me that he loves me more than he ever did and he believes we are soulmates. I told him that it would really be nice if we could feel that way at the same time! He wants me to open my heart again. I’m not leaving because I want to keep my family intact. My H gives me absolutely everything I want from a material standpoint.  He is very loving. Financially I could live on my own but I don’t want that. Hopefully I can open my heart again. 
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Keepabuzz
I think it takes time, and conscious effort.  You can’t control the time, but you can the effort. By effort I mean creating opportunities to let him work to open your heart, but also be willing to let those walls down, even if it’s just a millimeter at a time.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Guiltguilt
I look at my ex-wife and I and we have both grown in different and unexpected ways since we separated. I don’t think she could have recovered - if indeed she has - together. She has child free time she never had before because I’m pulling my weight and being an adult for the first time. She’s able to spend her money and determine her own life unencumbered. After having that rotten affair, I finally saw the good in her. There was a bloke here when I got here who said “Love is an action”. My action is to be a good ex, pocket my own emotions, let her get on with her life and be a good father to our daughter. 

Before I came here I thought all divorce was wrong, but when I read the ongoing pain, it’s just not true. 
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Negarcia
DorothyJane7 wrote:

I do think there is a need for many of us to hear from successfully reconciled couples. I'd say most of them don't want to talk about it over and over. It probably threatens their own peace and well-being.  


I think most of the people that have successfully reconciled have left the community but I think this would possibly be a good podcast for Tim to do next??
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Sbowl72
Guiltguilt
 
I admire what you said about letting your wife go.  I have never posted before just read only in the hopes to help myself heal.  I am a BS and my WH has been in an affair from what I can tell close to 3 years if not longer.  Dday will be 2 years this coming December.  However he had never admitted to the affair until last month and there was no apology and the reasoning was it just happened.  We have been married for 24 yrs.  At first I wanted reconciliation and I prayed for so long about it.  I was at the time only making $10 an hour when he left.  We have 2 adult children and an 8 yr old together.  I have grown in my faith and am stronger and realized that my want for reconciliation was for 2 reasons, I did not want to fail God and because I thought I could not make it without him financially.  I am now making more money, not nearly enough to completely support myself and my son but I now don't feel the need to reconcile.   I do love him but he has no remorse.  No contact with our 8 year old and when he does he is just cold.  Uninvested.  This is his own flesh and blood.  He has only seen him a total of 13 days in a 23 month time period. I am very sad about this but on a positive note my husband has not subjected my son to his new girlfriend and her son and I am so very thankful for that.  I know my son will be devastated when he finds out his dad is living with another child and he doesn't even get to see his dad.  It will just add more hurt on top of the mountain of pain.  My son does not know about the OW or her child. He just thinks his dad doesn't love me and asked for a divorce.   I know he is feeling shame because when he has visited he cannot even look at me hardly.  Or at least I think it is shame.  Anyway, he has claimed he is filing for divorce and yet he never does.  This has been going on for more than a year.  I don't have enough money to pay the lawyer yet and likely will not have it for a while.  I stopped praying for reconciliation and started praying for an amicable divorce and suddenly some unexpected financial mishaps occurred.  I just wonder how he cannot come to the decision to stop being selfish and let us move on since he does not want to be a part of our life and continues in his affair. So anyway....I just wanted to say I admire you for admitting your transgression and loving your wife enough to let her live and have a life as well as continuing to be in your child's life.  I feel sometimes I might be further along in my healing had the divorce already happened.  This is coming from a person who adamantly was against divorce no matter what.  Don't get me wrong divorce is terrible and I feel it should be an absolute last resort. But starting to think sometimes it might be better.
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sunflower07
Hi!

We made it. For some reason I decided to visit this forum even though it's been about a year since I was last here. I think it's because 2 years ago this week was when I discovered my husband's affair.  Just sort of tying up a few loose ends. This site helped me a lot the first year.

Anyways, we are doing great!  Our marriage is stronger than ever!!  We are so close. Actually, I can say it's the marriage I've always wanted but didn't have for the first 22 years. We have true intimacy. 

And I've forgiven my husband. What worked for me is that I actually hired a relationship coach.  I worked on me!  Once I stopped trying to control my husband and make demands, everything fell into place.

So don't give up!!  Don't stop trying to find something that will work for you. I'm actually grateful we had to go through what we did because it's what allowed us to arrive at this wonderful place.

I NEVER would have even imagined I would eventually say this 2 years ago. 

Never give up HOPE!  Your miracle might be right around the corner.



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