Alan
For the first few days after discovery I couldn't even say a single word to my wife.  We then had our sit down let it all hang out question and answer session where it was me who asked the questions.  I told her that I did and do love her but that I would have to fall in love with her again as she was now a different person who I do not fully know.  This confused her at the time but I think she finally got it.  Anyway I find myself saying "I love you too" after she says it but I've come to noticed that I never say it first.  I'm beginning to question if I really mean it or not.  Part of me does but there is a part of me that doesn't. 

I guess I am just looking to see what other betrayed spouses are feeling and how they handle these three very powerful words. 

Please do not take offense but if you are the one who betrayed please do not respond as it is not from your side that I am looking for an opinion, thanks.
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Robin1971
I have told my husband he is a different person to me and I ' hope ' I can fall in love with him again. I pray everyday, maybe this will be the day. I have not said it once since April 7 2015. It was our 16 yr anniversary Apr 10 and I didnt even get to tell the man I have been with for 22 yrs those 3 special words. He tells me all the time, I never say it back. What I do say lately is " yes I know you have told me" or " I know, I hope to one day again". He responds to me that he hopes for me one day to love him again, he appreciates all I am putting into it. He texts me hearts and kisses throughout day and I respond with a thumbs up emoji or I don't respond at all. I just don't ever know what to say. But I do know for me that I have to be honest with myself and although I feel like I am ' faking ' something's, I can't fake that, because I value those words pretty closely as I valued our vows. I don't throw them around ( for me! I'm not saying for anyone else!!!!!).

To be completely honest about it ... I have seen text that he has sent her that he has said those words also, so that could be another reason I am having a hard time with it. I really do not know deep down inside if I 100% believe him that he does love me. Make sense??
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Anna26
Alan wrote:
For the first few days after discovery I couldn't even say a single word to my wife.  We then had our sit down let it all hang out question and answer session where it was me who asked the questions.  I told her that I did and do love her but that I would have to fall in love with her again as she was now a different person who I do not fully know.  This confused her at the time but I think she finally got it.  Anyway I find myself saying "I love you too" after she says it but I've come to noticed that I never say it first.  I'm beginning to question if I really mean it or not.  Part of me does but there is a part of me that doesn't. 

I guess I am just looking to see what other betrayed spouses are feeling and how they handle these three very powerful words. 

Please do not take offense but if you are the one who betrayed please do not respond as it is not from your side that I am looking for an opinion, thanks.



What a good question Alan...

I think in our case at the beginning I was just trying to reassure him of how I felt.   I just knew that I still had feelings for him and was prepared to work on this. I don't think I  have actually said those three words yet, because when you think about it, they are not actually very lovable at this point are they?  Even at the times when I do say, I do still love and care about you, it's not reciprocated in the way I say it.  He  simply says 'I know you do', like he would normally.  At other times he would just say he does still have feelings for me.  But then, before Dday, it was usually me who said it first and him responding.  But he is the kind of person who doesn't really get emotional anyway, it's like getting blood out of a stone!  Who knows what may happen in the future, things could be about to change one way or the other.  Sorry if this isn't much help..
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surviving
Alan - no, I haven't said "I love you" to my WH.  I haven't even liked him in years.  I was treated as a slave for 34+ years.  The only time he came near me physically was when he couldn't get it elsewhere.  When you are treated that way for so long, you begin to dislike them and who they are and what they stand for.  I have told my WH that I don't even like him.  He continues to say that I love him even if I don't say it because of all the things I do around the house and with the kids.  However, that is what the "slave" did for 34+ years.  So, do I love him, no.  Do I like him, not a chance.  Are we separated, I wish.  We are in-house separated because we have no money to do anything else.  We should never have gotten married.  He said he married me because he thought his illicit sex would stop when he got legitimate sex.  But, that didn't happen.  Sorry I went off tangent, but you need to know why I don't say it - it is because I don't!
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Shayla
Yes, I tell my husband I love him. I do still love him and care about him.  I'm not crazy, head of heals in love with him right now, but I do love him so I feel comfortable and truthful saying I love him.

We had a very bad day recently and I told him I couldn't stand him, then after we calmed down I had to apologize and explain that what I said wasn't completely true, that I can't stand the part of him that keeps hurting me. It's hard to feel so many different ways at the same time. But there is a large part of my husband that I do still love.
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TimT
surviving wrote:
Alan - no, I haven't said "I love you" to my WH.  I haven't even liked him in years.  I was treated as a slave for 34+ years.  The only time he came near me physically was when he couldn't get it elsewhere.  When you are treated that way for so long, you begin to dislike them and who they are and what they stand for.  I have told my WH that I don't even like him.  He continues to say that I love him even if I don't say it because of all the things I do around the house and with the kids.  However, that is what the "slave" did for 34+ years.  So, do I love him, no.  Do I like him, not a chance.  Are we separated, I wish.  We are in-house separated because we have no money to do anything else.  We should never have gotten married.  He said he married me because he thought his illicit sex would stop when he got legitimate sex.  But, that didn't happen.  Sorry I went off tangent, but you need to know why I don't say it - it is because I don't!

I appreciate your honesty, surviving. You're still in a marriage because you feel "stuck" in it, not because you want to actually be in it anymore. If you're not working toward connection and healing, then you certainly don't need to lie!

For those of you who are working toward healing in your marriage, then saying "I love you" is not something you need to rush back to. If fact, if you feel a lot of internal resistance, you need to give it more time. But there will eventually be a right time to start expressing love to each other even though you may not be in the full experience of an emotional bond. If you're working toward it, and you trust your spouse is doing the same, I think saying it before you feel all the emotion of it can actually be a good thing. Our actions become an expression of what we are moving toward: WE BEGIN TO PRACTICE WHO WE ARE BECOMING (which is much different than simply pretending, by the way).
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