Phoenix Show full post »
Certainly there are going to be non negotiables after such a disruption, and nobody would ever choose to go through these experiences all over again. I don’t believe anyone should relax their boundaries around fidelity and exclusivity. 

One thing that i have learned in the recovery process was the importance of clearly stated boundaries. I mean, you can have unspoken assumptions about boundaries and very different definitions about what constitutes an infidelity. I never thought about webcams or emotional affairs, for example, but after d day my situation forced me to think about things that just weren’t on my radar. 

I think its OK to have shorter term boundaries for low level behaviours, for example if a particular TV show is triggering in the early weeks and months after d day. But over time, if those triggers start to diminish and you recognise that avoidance isn’t a good long term strategy, and you sense your quality of life is negatively impacted by cutting you off from something you might have enjoyed before d day, then it’s OK to try to relax that particular boundary to see if it feels OK. If not, then perhaps you stick with that boundary for a while. As I said before, my boundaries are about protecting myself from hurt and upset, and I know I can’t heal if there are additional triggers and reminders that just add to the mental burden of dealing with more than I signed up for. 

I know we’re all different people, every relationship is different, we all have different experiences, values, beliefs, life stories etc. We all have to make our own way and that really is hard - for all of us - because we’re all in uncharted territory. We don’t know what to do when we are faced with these situations, and we aren’t all going to get it right and do everything by the book, especially when the book doesn’t exist. 
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I've had to learn to speak up when I'm upset at my BS or having some feelings. Even though I am the one who had an affair, we won't be able to build anything better or more real if I suppress things for the sake of superficial harmony or because I feel like I'm not entitled to my feelings.  I believe that was a major stepping stone to marital breakdown and my affair. 

Thus, my advice is to absolutely talk about this. Feeling unheard is no way to live.
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