Answer to the second question is it’s different for everybody. Some WS’s confess, and never again betray. Other WS dont. 

Answer to question 3 is YES. The BS is certainly entitled to hate their WS and scream at them everytime they want to forever.  That doesn’t mean that’s good for them, or that they can’t choose to stop. That also doesn’t mean the WS has to stay and take it, no matter how much they deserve it. 

Answer to question 4 is it does help a BS in the long run, if they only do it in the short run.  

Crushed, I hear your pain. I am totally in agreement that trust is earned but after betrayal I don’t think trust is ever the same. I am also in total agreement that lies and deception are very destructive and it’s impossible to rebuild a relationship on a foundation of lies. I certainly don’t believe in trusting blindly. Also, I understand how it feels to reach a certain stage in life when it’s too late to start over and make a new life. I know it’s not impossible and I know that circumstances can force people into change whether they want it or not, but I know that the opportunity to start over in a meaningful way has passed. I was even thinking about it today, how there was a point many years before d day when my husband became quite aggressive towards me, not physically or anything like that, but his mood was hostile and he’d get very angry at me for reasons I couldn’t see were justified. I seriously thought about ending the marriage then. He’s never been the easiest person. To the outside world he has a “nice guy” public face but he’s totally different in private. Long before d day, many years before, I told him that I wasn’t going to be his verbal punchbag. I’d completely forgot about that until today. 

Communication is really hard and if you’re with someone who thinks they can lie their way out of trouble then it’s nigh on impossible. I still try and practice honesty in the hope that it will encourage him to be more honest. Does it work? I’m not sure. I’m not dumb, I know that a WS can also be abusive or threatening especially when they are being asked to account for themselves, and sometimes they do it to deflect the attention away from them and put the BS into the position of wrongdoer, just because they don’t want to own their behavior. So it works both ways. WS can sink to very low just to save face. I’ve had to end the conversation and leave the room because my husband has overstepped the mark. 

I disagree that insults are never ok. If they are true, then they are ok. I slug many insults at my wife, and I regret none of them. Everyone was true. I understand that some people say things they don’t mean out of anger and/or rage. I am not one of those people. Everything I say, I mean. When I’m angry, or when I used to let the rage out, I meant every word. They were just said in a different tone. I have never and will never apologize to my wife for raging at her.

Like you, I left the house that night, thankfully. Also thankfully her former AP was not accessible to me for about a month due to him being out of state for work. I could have gotten to him that night, lord knows I would have went to jail. 

Anthro, 

  I agree with all of that. Especially the differentiation between gratuitous name calling and truth telling. I did A LOT of truth telling in the first year and a half to 2 years, and many times at a very high volume. I am ex-military so I am well versed at yelling, and yelling properly as to not loose your voice. Although I could barely speak for a few days after d-day. I didn’t yell right that night. The only name I ever called my wife that she felt was not accurate was wh*re. I called her that a lot on d-day. She kept saying through tears while sitting in a ball on the floor “I’m not a wh*re”. At the end, right before I walked out, I looked back and said “relatively“ calmly “you’re right at least wh*res get paid. You’re just a worthless cheating sl*t. I gave you everything, and every single bit of me, and you sh*t on it all. You sh*t all over me.”  Then walked out the door.

While I yelled and screamed (correctly), for the next year and a half at least, I never called her anything other than a b*tch a few times after d-day. Now that’s not to say I didn’t swear, and swear freely, and very loudly. She brought it up in MC. She talked about how due to her childhood issues, she would just shutdown and go into fight or flight mode. When the MC asked what I thought of that, I said “l don’t give a f*ck”. That made her eyes get big. She then said “Do you think she really hears you when you’re like that?”  I said, “I don’t know if she is really listening, but I know for a fact that she hears me”. Then she suggested I go for a run, or go workout, or something else to get my anger out.  I told her that my wife was the one that did all of this, and she would be the one receiving every bit of it. If she didn’t like it, she knew where the door was and that I would help her pack. I ended up buying a heavy bag and hanging it in my basement. I beat that thing to death. I made a new rule in the house, if I went down to hit that bag, NO ONE was to come down there unless the house was on fire. I would crank up some hard angry music and beat that thing to death. I would beat that thing, and cry my eyes out at the same time. The first time I did it, my kids were at school, only my wife was home. I was down there for about an hour.  I beat that thing until I could not swing anymore. When I came back upstairs. My wife was sitting in the kitchen silent, and looking scared. All she said was “are you ok? You were shaking the entire house when you were hitting test thing.” I said “no, I’m not ok. I will never be ok” and went to shower. So even though I didn’t “give that anger to her”, She still received it. 

I am quite fluent in the use of swear words. I used the f word regularly. I would say the worst I said to her after d-day, would be when I would just tell her to “shut the f*ck up”. Now, I said that A LOT.  I do swear in daily conversation. But I haven’t sworn “at” her in a very long time. 

Crushed,
I agree with you also.  My wife died in d-day, and she took our marriage with her. We have been able to start over, but like Anthro said we will never be on even moral ground.