I agree with all of that. Especially the differentiation between gratuitous name calling and truth telling. I did A LOT of truth telling in the first year and a half to 2 years, and many times at a very high volume. I am ex-military so I am well versed at yelling, and yelling properly as to not loose your voice. Although I could barely speak for a few days after d-day. I didn’t yell right that night. The only name I ever called my wife that she felt was not accurate was wh*re. I called her that a lot on d-day. She kept saying through tears while sitting in a ball on the floor “I’m not a wh*re”. At the end, right before I walked out, I looked back and said “relatively“ calmly “you’re right at least wh*res get paid. You’re just a worthless cheating sl*t. I gave you everything, and every single bit of me, and you sh*t on it all. You sh*t all over me.” Then walked out the door.
While I yelled and screamed (correctly), for the next year and a half at least, I never called her anything other than a b*tch a few times after d-day. Now that’s not to say I didn’t swear, and swear freely, and very loudly. She brought it up in MC. She talked about how due to her childhood issues, she would just shutdown and go into fight or flight mode. When the MC asked what I thought of that, I said “l don’t give a f*ck”. That made her eyes get big. She then said “Do you think she really hears you when you’re like that?” I said, “I don’t know if she is really listening, but I know for a fact that she hears me”. Then she suggested I go for a run, or go workout, or something else to get my anger out. I told her that my wife was the one that did all of this, and she would be the one receiving every bit of it. If she didn’t like it, she knew where the door was and that I would help her pack. I ended up buying a heavy bag and hanging it in my basement. I beat that thing to death. I made a new rule in the house, if I went down to hit that bag, NO ONE was to come down there unless the house was on fire. I would crank up some hard angry music and beat that thing to death. I would beat that thing, and cry my eyes out at the same time. The first time I did it, my kids were at school, only my wife was home. I was down there for about an hour. I beat that thing until I could not swing anymore. When I came back upstairs. My wife was sitting in the kitchen silent, and looking scared. All she said was “are you ok? You were shaking the entire house when you were hitting test thing.” I said “no, I’m not ok. I will never be ok” and went to shower. So even though I didn’t “give that anger to her”, She still received it.
I am quite fluent in the use of swear words. I used the f word regularly. I would say the worst I said to her after d-day, would be when I would just tell her to “shut the f*ck up”. Now, I said that A LOT. I do swear in daily conversation. But I haven’t sworn “at” her in a very long time.
I agree with you also. My wife died in d-day, and she took our marriage with her. We have been able to start over, but like Anthro said we will never be on even moral ground.