It is my opinion (take it for what it is worth) that there is not a "better" marriage or true reconciliation without the ability to discuss anything that is bothering you. Of course, most WS hate being reminded that we don't trust them 100% or that we still have triggers etc. But those that "get it" realize that we don't want these feelings EITHER and that they are the ones who caused them. So if they want to be with us, they've got to suck it up and deal with them.
I totally get why you reacted to the comments under the meme - and why he likely didn't think of it as triggering or "wrong". For him it was a joke with buddies about liking boobs - just being "one of the guys". For you it is shows the same mentality that got him into this situation and a complete lack of respect. To make matters worse he's disrespecting you in front of people he's ALREADY humiliated you in front of. Which takes something obnoxious in a post-DD world to a full on trigger. It feels like he's showing them that he hasn't changed and he's still willing to disrespect you in front of them. I seriously doubt he meant it that way. He has a way of interacting with these people that feels comfortable and he hasn't changed it. Neither of you is "wrong" per se - but in a post-affair world he has to understand that things have changed. Things that wouldn't have been a big deal before are now. It might suck, but it it just IS. For both of you. Because of your shared history he needs to understand why this is triggering for you and how it make you feel. First - it is in poor taste for a married man especially one who has had an affair. He should be HIGHLY sensitive to anything that makes you feel insecure. But, in addition to that, it is ESPECIALLY wrong in front of these people. Ask him to turn the situation around in his mind. You had an affair at work - everyone knew about it You reconcile - but he finds that you are commenting on hot pics of guys working out to your work friends like "I love a good barbell!". Some people need to be helped to see how it would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. This was something my husband only learned to do in the years after DD and it has helped tremendously - but in the beginning I had to walk him through it so he could really understand on a gut level why I was so upset. As far as looking/ asking about other affairs - that is entirely up to you. There are two trains of thought on this - 1. One would say that, if you really feel he has made significant changes - is more transparent, more attentive, more emotionally available and seeks ways to improve and protect your marriage - than you are only asking questions that tell you about who he was then. And that it doesn't give you any meaningful information to apply to the future. 2. The second train of thought is that any path forward needs to have ALL past transgressions revealed. And that any WS deserving of a second chance should be willing and able to lay bare as much of the truth as you want to hear. I would say there is merit to both. I, for one, asked a LOT of questions. I needed to know everything. And my husband was, and is, well aware that if I ever find that he held anything back, I will leave him. Not necessarily because of what I learned about the past - but because HE wasn't the one that told me. I have no place in my future for any more secrets between us. But there are limitations to this - I didn't want to know every place they had dinner in a city I love and visit frequently - because that would have just given ME another trigger. So I was clear about what I wanted to know. For me, I needed to know if there had been any other inappropriate relationships throughout our entire dating/married life. And I was VERY clear about what I felt was "inappropriate" (flirting with sexual innuendo, sexting, emotional affairs, talking about wanting to be together (even if you didn't act on it), and then obvious ones - kissing, touching, sex, etc.) After one disastrous attempt at being "hazy" about the duration of his affair, my husband quickly realized that if he didn't come 100% clean he was going to kill any chance of us being together so - he gave me a full data dump and invited me to ask questions. And I learned there was more - but it all centered around the two months prior to starting the affair. It was clearly him slowly loosening the boundaries that allowed him to get to the place where he could start an affair. He'd made out twice with a woman he knew was only there on vacation and would soon go away. Says he didn't have sex with her because neither he or she were ready to go that far - she was separated from her husband and he wasn't sure he could "cross the line". Later, during the affair, a woman at a bar came on to him (not the AP) and he kissed her too. As much as I didn't like hearing these things, it told me a couple things. First, it reminded me just how little it had to do with who the AP was - and so much more about where HIS head was. She didn't have some strange magnetic power over him. She was just the person willing and happy to make it easy for him at a time when he was in a selfish, entitled, resentful frame of mind. Second, I would NEVER have been able to find out about these other two women. One had only the thinnest of connections to his/our life (a friend of a very distant acquaintance that I barely know.) The other had no connection to anyone. He couldn't even remember her first name. This led me to believe that he was really coming clean. To date, I have never found anything to contradict what he told me then (even though I did some hard core digital digging in the early days.) This helped to begin to rebuild trust. Clearly - I did need to know a lot. But not everything. I made myself think about what I DID need to know (who/ what/ when) and what I didn't want to know (every place they went, etc.) This is all to say - think about what you need to know and why. Write it down. Then after a couple days, take it out. If you still want to know everything on there - schedule a time with your husband when you can be alone and ask away. The cooling off period will help you focus on what it is that you REALLY need to know without giving you crappy details that only hurt you and don't tell you anything about the man you are living with today. One last thing - I have found that when I need to have these kind of conversations with my husband, it helps if I approach it in a very non-confrontational way. I tell him that I am struggling with some things that I need his help with. Then I will often remind him that I DO see all the changes he's made, the sweet ways he tried to make me feel loved and safe, etc. And I acknowledge how much they are helping and how I think it is a large reason why we are doing so well. But then I say, but something recently happened/came up that has really got me reeling and I need to talk it through with you. If it is something HE did/said (rather than a trigger he had no control over), I will often say, "You recently said/did XX. I know that you likely didn't mean it in the way I took it - but it really hurt me. I made me feel XXX." And then I explain why. I have found that by starting out the conversation with what he is doing RIGHT, he doesn't get defensive. He realizes that this isn't about HIM as a person always being wrong, but rather it is about a specific thing he is doing/saying. And by telling him that I realize our perspectives may be different and he didn't intentionally mean to hurt me - it also give him room to "hear me" rather than immediately seek a way to defend himself. Rather than seeing me as being critical or judging him - he sees me as being fair (noticing what he is doing right.) I find that once he can see how it comes across to ME, he is very apologetic and doesn't do it anymore. He comforts me and explains what he was thinking when he did/said it (which usually isn't a lot, lol.) As I addressed these things- like stupid "man" jokes, etc. over the first 18 - 24 months or so - he started to "get it" more and more. Now he just never does it. He understands how it looks through my lens - and veers away from saying/doing things that would hurt me. So maybe this could be a good place for your husband to learn more about your perspective - how you see the world after DD. And begin to learn a VERY important emotional skill that many people seem to lack - the ability to put themselves in the other person's shoes. Don't know if any of this helps, but whatever you do - don't just bottle it all up. It will come out eventually - but you will have far less control of how it comes out if you've tried to squelch it.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child DD May 2016 “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl