It’s been 12 weeks since I found out about my husband’s emotional affair with a woman 2000 miles away. We attended two counseling sessions after that and then he decided he was done. We’ve been married 7 years and friends for 14.

I have been attending individual counseling since our relationship ended. It has been 5 weeks since he moved out. Not going to lie, the first 6 weeks after discovery were very tough for me. Now I’m feeling much healthier. I’ve done the 180, have limited contact and what contact I do have with him is completely on my own terms. I’ve set up boundaries.

I have seen some changes from him. He is acting more like his old self (during the affair it was like I was living with a complete stranger). He’s making more logical decisions and seems to be back into reality. Of course, when he first said he wanted out of our relationship, I told him fine: I didn’t want to be with someone like him and we would never have a relationship again. Now that I’m seeing these changes, I want to tell him I’m open to reconciliation IF he works on himself and the underlying issues leading to the emotional affair.

But how do I know if the timing is right? How do I know this is genuine remorse? How do I know if offering that would give him an excuse to not change? I feel like he’s at a really low point and I know that can often be where change happens.....

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Hi Lily, I’m so sorry to hear your story. Please know you’re among friends here. When I discovered my WH’s affair I immediately threw him out. Like you, it was only when he hit a low that I decide reconciliation was an option.

You ask how will you know if he’s genuinely remorseful - the short answer is there’s no way to know. From my experience my WH didn’t experience genuine remorse for months, after seeing my continued pain, and exploring his own issues in counselling. For me, IC for your husband would be one of the conditions of reconciliation, along with no contact with the affair partner, and a willingness to be transparent (including all passwords etc). If he refuses those, that will be your clue he doesn’t yet feel remorse.

But more important than that is to decide what YOU want. What will your boundaries be, and what will the consequences be if he breaches them? 

Good luck with whatever you decide. This recovery thing isn’t easy.
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I would like to try and reconcile but only IF he works on himself by attending IC and agrees to NC the AP. I’m just not sure when I should tell h I’m open to R. I don’t want to “rescue” him, something I tend to do. Nor do I want to put myself back in the whole ping pong game which is where we were for a few weeks following DDay.
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I don't think you need (or should) to take the initiative. Let him puruse reconciliation, or not, and let it be his idea.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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