scrappylucie
Hello,

I recently discovered that my husband has been engaged in a 7 year affair, with a married woman. They started out as friends , then it became more emotional and finally sexual. I do not as of yet have all the details, my WS has not been very forth coming.

I discovered the affair a few days before his scheduled quintuple heart bypass surgery, the initial days where the shock & awe bomb effect for me, me crying and seeing a lawyer for a consult, after that it was surgery and I was there to support him. ( get him better than kill him - dark humour lol )

A little background on us,

Married 10 years this past April, second marriages for both of us, we were both single a long time before we married, my WS is 14 years my senior, he also had a affair during his first marriage that his wife never found out about, a child was born out of that affair, tragically she died a young adult. I have 3 children , now adults, none live with us.

I used to work full time in a male dominated industry and loved it, but became ill 4 years into our marriage, diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis , it took a toll trying to get it under control, then further setbacks with a blood disorder that caused a few mini strokes than a big stroke, ( recovered now ) , last year diagnosed with Cancer.
All of this caused me to withdraw somewhat from life, but I did not waiver from my love of my WS, I am and was a good wife, but the marriage did feel unbalanced. I felt guilt at not being a contributing partner, and my WS withdrew from me, subtle at first and then sexually, there were moments/ days when things seemed great, but then the withdrawal again. My self esteem was in the toilet, and I couldn't figure out what was going on, he was emotionally detached. There were things I would find or shady answers to my questions and my gut knew something was seriously wrong, but he was great at gaslighting me, and I was in denial, miserable and yet still in love with him.

I am what others call beautiful, slim and smart, yet I felt ugly, stupid and in all ways undesirable, especially to my husband. The only times he seemed sweet with me was when I'd cook him a gourmet dinner or bake.
There were very few loud arguments between us, but many disagreements.

So here we are a few weeks post-op for WS and the cats out of the bag, and he's recovering from major surgery with my care.
He has apologized , said he wish he could take it all back but in the same breath injected his infamous " but "
putting the blame at my feet for leaving him frustrated and tired of carrying all the burdens ( his words ) there is some truth to what he says, I did feel guilt at not being an equal partner, but not at any time during those 7 years did he come to me and explain what was going on let alone when he thought about crossing that line, or made the decision to do it. He said he tried to talk to me, that I would get upset and leave the conversation, again I admit this was true of me, but I counter with " hey, ever think of writing a letter, or even a post-it note, stating "I am tempted by another- we NEED to talk "

My initial thoughts ran to ending the marriage, but the time with him in hospital gave me pause to think, I decided I wasn't going to give up without even trying. Only few family and friends support this decision, the rest including his family are " throw him out "

My WS has been sullen, remorseful , silent, and I'm guessing here , posturing for position. He said he feels shame and regret at what this has done to me and us, and wants to stay married and work on the marriage.
Yet he hesitates when it comes to transparency, he sleeps with his phone, which is still passcode locked.
His response is that these are issues we can deal with " after " he is recovered and healthy.

He has claimed that they, OP and WS had discussed just prior to my discovery of ending things and working on their respective marriages ( how convenient )
He claims the affair is over.
He claims to love me and be in-love with me.

I would like to rebuild us, a stronger more effective us but I don't trust his words ( 7 years of lying, deceit and gaslighting ) I need actions like transparency. I need more details of the affair , information has been in drips and drabs, only when I push.

I feel foolish, humiliated and scared, as I am still battling cancer, I can't eat properly, nor sleep, caffeine has become my fuel to get through the day. I know my health is taking an additional hit from this but this affair, our marriage is all consuming right now.

Could I leave this, YES!
Do I want to, NO!

It feels like I am stuck in a limbo, not moving in any concrete direction as of yet.
My apologies for the long post, this is the shortened version lol!

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HonestWife
scrappylucie wrote:
Hello,

am what others call beautiful, slim and smart, yet I felt ugly, stupid and in all ways undesirable, especially to my husband.




Dear scrappy, welcome to this board and I'm so sorry you're here.

I'm very sorry you feel ugly. It comes w the territory. The rejection I feel is death by 1000 cuts. My ws trying to make it work but I truly feel main reason is his last ap wouldn't leave her h for him. I feel like he really wants her but setting for me. I too , am told I
Beautiful and look terrific but once an affair happens, it is common to feel ugly.


I cannot tell you to stay or go and for right now , it feels right to stay until you figure this all out. If he is still hiding his phone in six months, I think you will have a clearer understanding of what he's willing to do and what he's not.

Trust actions only! Not promises. Read all these boards---good stuff!

I hope you can get healing fior yourself. When I first learned of all my wh affairs (several over years and years and pornography too) I liked to listen to podcasts about infidelity and I loved Scott haltzman who wrote a book on infidelity. Also Frank pittman wrote a great book intimate betrayal. I highly highly recommend both.

Big hugs to you. So sorry for your physical problems. Nothing like being abandoned during a difficult time.
Trying to make marriage work after my husband's 15 years of affairs. Just found out. Currently in house separation.
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scrappylucie
Thank you (Honest Wife) for your reply and words,
It's comforting to hear, that feeling that way is not unique to me alone, a strange comfort in the cruel uncaring way we see ourselves in our partners eyes, this twisted reflection , perception of ourselves.

You offer good advice in waiting to see if actions manifest, the only thing is the space shared in our house is deafeningly quiet, not unlike after a bomb. I realize I do have time to see if there is genuine sincerity behind his words, and it does allow for more physical healing for him and more time for my cancer treatments.

These are tonight's words and thoughts, tomorrow ......is another day.

Wishing you strength, courage and patience with yourself, be kind and gentle with yourself and know you are of value!
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surviving
Scrappy - I truly am sorry you need to be here.  I am glad that there is tons of help for you to read and learn from.  My story:  34+ years of porn, prostitutes, p/up in the mall, massage parlors with a happy ending, two emotional affairs, one incest, a 14-year physical affair, and much lying.  I am 20 months from DDay.  At first, I couldn't sleep, only ate enough to not shake, lost 30 pounds, cried (which I never used to do) and heard bits and pieces of the affairs over the last 20 months.  My husband says it is all out now, but how do I believe him? 

One thing you mentioned is his phone hiding.  If there isn't total transparency, you will never heal.  He has to give you all his passwords, email accounts, phone passwords, etc.  My husband, after counseling, was told to call me every time he arrives somewhere.  He used to call me on his cell phone - which he could be anywhere and not where he was supposed to be.  So, he started calling me from the work phone instead.  At least when that number shows up on my phone, I know he arrived at work (although he could leave right after that and I would never know it).  So, yes, trust is hard to come by.  After 34 years of lying, why should I think he is telling the truth now?  It is so hard.

My husband took an online Bible study that seemed to help him tremendously - it is called "Setting Captives Free."  It is mainly for getting over pornography, but pornography leads to affairs, so it was very helpful to him to see the light.

Again, I am sorry for what you are going through.  I'll pray for you that things will work out in God's timing.  Take care of yourself - that is the hardest thing for me to do!


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Anna26
surviving wrote:


One thing you mentioned is his phone hiding.  If there isn't total transparency, you will never heal.  He has to give you all his passwords, email accounts, phone passwords, etc.  My husband, after counseling, was told to call me every time he arrives somewhere.  He used to call me on his cell phone - which he could be anywhere and not where he was supposed to be.  So, he started calling me from the work phone instead.  At least when that number shows up on my phone, I know he arrived at work (although he could leave right after that and I would never know it).  So, yes, trust is hard to come by.  After 34 years of lying, why should I think he is telling the truth now?  It is so hard.






Surviving is right; and this is something I meant to mention but forgot.  If he is hiding things from you, generally speaking there is a good chance things may still be continuing.  I know at the moment things are slightly different for you, in that your husband is recovering from an operation.  But he needs to be totally accountable for everything in order to help you build up the trust again.

Mine has not done this yet and that is part of the reason I am still suspicious. In fact, when I asked to look at his phone some time back, he didn't understand why I needed to and refused.  But I shouldn't have needed to ask, if he had truly wanted to and cared enough about our marriage he should have realised this for himself.  This is what the 'affair fog' does, it clouds the truth and the reality and at least in my case, leaves everything suspiciously covered up. 
Fortunately, I am enough of a detective to discover things for myself if necessary.  But with him moving out I haven't felt the inclination to do much detecting. and for my own peace of mind, maybe that's a good thing right now. [smile]

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TimeToFly
Hi ScrappyLucie,

I'm also very sorry to hear about everything you are going through. It sounds like you have so much on your plate right now. I think you will find there is a lot of good information on this forum & it makes you realize you aren't alone in what you are experiencing. There are so many of us with similar stories (sad, but true). 

I think there's a big red flag going on with the fact that "he sleeps with his phone & it is password locked". That's never a good sign. It probably means he's still hiding a lot from you & that can't lead to anything positive. I can tell you from my own situation that my ex-husband (we were married almost 28 years & my divorce was final in Feb. after his almost 4 year affair) was never willing to give me complete access to things like he should have been if he really wanted to work on our marriage. I became a detective & eventually would uncover whatever he was hiding. However, it's no way to live & certainly not a normal way to be in a marriage. 

I hope you take care of yourself & your health as that's really important. I know it's hard to do...but try. Will be thinking of you.


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