Valntine66 Show full post »
surviving
Part of confession and repentance is complete transparency.  If a partner is not willing to share their phone, email, blog, or whatever, there is something they need to hide.  I have complete access to my husband's phone, email, work email, and all social media.  I don't often check on it, but I am free to do that and he won't complain.  If there is nothing to hide, they shouldn't worry about you looking.  If they are worried, something is amiss there.  
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Valntine66
Whatever my wife feels, it was looked at because my kids asked.  that was the only way to find out.  this mess with my wife, the pastor, the church, the ministry, the blame game, the "my affair was not as bad as your affair" thing she hounds at me, I'm trying to find someone now to talk with is driving me further and further into depression.  i see my psychologist tomorrow morning.  this will be new in our sessions.  i hope there is something she has for me because i cannot deal with this.  i have been seeking God for help, kids are busy with their life and hurting as we are, and I'm just tired, just plain tired of every time my wife calls, she just beats me down.  

God, i hope and pray for something, just something for me today, a little strength, a little hope, a little help.
Val
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Heidi
Sometimes you just have to get through the day. Trying to do anything other than survive can be too much. I got this quote in an email today and it spoke to me:

'No matter what, you can always fight the battles of just today. It’s only when you add the infinite battles of yesterday and tomorrow that life gets overly complicated.'

So maybe just try to survive today, and hopefully tomorrow you'll get some help from your psychologist.
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Keepabuzz
I agree with Heidi. Just fight today, just get through today. Get away from everyone if you need to. During the early months after D-day, if looked too far into the future, I got overwhelmed quickly. I couldn't handle it. I could only handle THAT day. There were days, where I could only handle until noon, then regroup, and start again. You CAN make it. Antidepressants really helped me. Just know that every BS here knows what you're going through. I was actually glad on the days that I felt numb, it was a mental break from the utter brokenness and pain.

It's like the old saying: How do you eat and elephant? One bite at a time....
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Valntine66
UPDATE: As of July 31, 2016 the pastor resigned from the church, confessed his sin to the church of his inappropriate behavior "with the wife of a couple I have been counseling" (no names mention in the confession) but most people know who because the church is small and many know who he was counseling, not many to choose from, because the other 2 couples are still in the church but the one couple (us) is not attending. Go figure that out.

The pastor will be on leave for about 1 month or more, then will come back and the deacons and the church will decide whether they will take him back or not as the pastor, but for the most part, the month is for him to figure out what he needs to do and start to getting the help he needs for his inappropriate behaviors in which he admitted to conducting over the last many years, not an affair, but inappropriate behaviors for a pastor.

My wife is trying very hard to keep the Deaf teens in the church but the church decided that it will not be a good idea for her (or me) to be in the church, nor it is a good idea for the Deaf teens and Deaf ministry to attend the church. By now, the people will put 2 and 2 together and figure out who it was that the pastor had the affair with.

I am attending another like faith church along with my youngest son. My wife is not. she says she does not need to be in church and right now is not a good time to be in church.

According to the Deacons, the pastor is angry with me and blames me (in his own words) for all that has happened. Typical of a betrayer. And my wife too is blaming me for all this since if I had not had my affair, we would not be in this situation. I learned long ago, it is my fault for my affair but not my fault for her affair and actions. One psychologist I am seeing said my fault stopped at Feb 11.
Val
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Guiltguilt
Typical of a betrayer.

You're as pure as the driven snow. This is what rewriting history looks like.
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Valntine66
I think that this case needs to be closed.  the pastor is actually been given a month off from his duties then the church and deacons will reconvene about him and his pastorate, but the goal is to keep him as the pastor because they feel that there was no physical sexual contact, it does not disqualify him.  I am going into the shadows and work on me.  My wife, well, she is denying that she did nothing wrong and that she needs to get the Deaf teens to the camp, but the staff, deacons, told her that they will not be going and that she needs to get the help she needs.

The deacons and leadership told her that she needs help for herself, to go back and work on her marriage, and really understand what she did was wrong.  because she may have been looking for a divorce but to have a romantic relationship with a married man and to try to hide it and to re-evaluate her reasoning for the divorce because her husband has worked harder in the 5 months
Val
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Negarcia
Valntine66 wrote:
I think that this case needs to be closed.  the pastor is actually been given a month off from his duties then the church and deacons will reconvene about him and his pastorate, but the goal is to keep him as the pastor because they feel that there was no physical sexual contact, it does not disqualify him.  I am going into the shadows and work on me.  My wife, well, she is denying that she did nothing wrong and that she needs to get the Deaf teens to the camp, but the staff, deacons, told her that they will not be going and that she needs to get the help she needs.

The deacons and leadership told her that she needs help for herself, to go back and work on her marriage, and really understand what she did was wrong.  because she may have been looking for a divorce but to have a romantic relationship with a married man and to try to hide it and to re-evaluate her reasoning for the divorce because her husband has worked harder in the 5 months


Wait a second here, so your wife is being told to work on herself yet the pastor Is getting excused because to them it wasn't sexual? They kissed so it was physical. I think they really could care less about his behavior and are excusing it. I am sorry but that is inexcusable for a person in that position.
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Valntine66

I agree with you.  Wow, I re-read what I wrote and left something out and did not make sense on the last paragraph.  The last paragraph is to say:

The deacons and leadership told my wife that she needs get help for herself, to go back and work on her marriage, and really come to an understanding of she did was wrong.  She felt that because she has been looking for a divorce since my affair, having a romantic relationship with someone was accepted.  But they told her that her behaviors and his behaviors were inappropriate for  married man.  In addition, they said that the texts provided to them really did not prove they kissed because both my wife and the pastor said they were joking and teasing, but it was the sexting.  I sent the texts my wife and I had since I caught them in their affair and she admitted they both loved each other but then she turned it around and said it was only commented to me out of depression.    The only thing that was defended in my stake was that she needed to re-evaluate her reasoning for the divorce because her husband has worked harder in the 5 months and she threw it in my face.

Right now, its the month we have to wait to see what the church will decide but in the meantime, the divorce papers are filed and I begged her to please change her mind, but she will not.  she also asked me weeks ago several times, "please lets be civil about this whole matter for the kids, grandkids, and deaf teens."  I have been civil.  Since the signing of the papers, she has not.  she has blocked me from her phone of calls and text messages.  she tells me to go through our adult children and I refused.  I actually had to break down this morning and ask my oldest daughter to relay a message, she was kind in relaying it.  In addition, she has not been to our house to help get the home ready for sale and since we live in WA state, it is a community property state and no fault state so its like I could say forget it, i am not lifting a finger but hen again, we don't want our credit ruined.  I feel like im back at square one with her in February and she is treating me like this.  Now God is the only that will have to give me the motivation to love her, be patient with her, and to NOT retaliate, but why am I so so so angry with her and she is controlling everything.

The only one thing I can say positive for now is that I did find a counselor here that specializes, not only in infidelity for men, but also a counselor for pastors.  He works with Linda MacDonald, the one who wrote the book, "How to Hellp your spouse heal after your affair."  Whether or not my wife comes around to talk with him, at least I am getting the help I need to heal and can live right and make my life count for God.

Sorry for the long replay but wanted to give you what is going on in my situation.  You guys will never know how much you mean to me (and other WS, BS, and AP's) on this forum.  Keep it up!

Val
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Negarcia
Valntine

Wow. You have both been through a whirlwind. The one thing that I don't understand about your wife is that she is acting very childish by wanting to involve your children instead of facing the issues herself but it might be a good thing for both of you, not to have contact. I know it's hard but it's all part of the process. It's one of the hardest things to do but she is not remorseful like you were as the WS. I hope she will come to realize what she has done and that she has hurt a lot of people as well.

I am glad you found an IC. It's important to take care of yourself.
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Valntine66
Thank you.  I know that one of the main things that needs to be done is to get the help each of us need.  If she does not want the help, nobody can help you until she realizes she needs help. Thank you again.
Val
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UrbanExplorer
So she has already filed for divorce? Or dissolution is underway?
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Valntine66
dissolution is underway.  we filed a non contested divorce papers.  We have 90 days before it is final, she said that it is very close to our wedding anniversary date of Oct 27
Val
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