December 29 was the worst day of my life. My husband decided to get honest about his mistakes revealing that he has had 3 affairs. My perfect world was hit with an Atom bomb. I really thought my husband would never cheat, he was the one being cheated on in a previous relationship, so I felt a sense of security in believing he would remember to devastation he suffered from that. I couldn't even be around him for two days without either breaking down in a blood curdling bawl, or actually physically lashing out and attacking him. My marriage means everything to me, so when he requested that we work on redeveloping or relationship, I agreed. I feel that if we fail at rebuilding a better marriage then, and only then should we consider a divorce. I have been writing my feelings and I have allowed him to read what I write. I have also asked for details of each one night stand. (Without them, my brain will come up with them, which will destroy me a whole lot more). I'm trying hard to move forward but... Now what?
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Simply Devastated

As a BS I am feeling for you and the pain of a world turned upside down and inside out. The first few weeks are truly a roller coaster of intense physical and emotional pain but it will subside. Look after yourself: sleep is important (although probably heavily disturbed)/eat well/exercise/give yourself time for yourself and your emotions and do not feel you have to hold them back when you want to let them out. However hard, try to take the extra deep breath and a moment to compose yourself if you feel like physically lashing out and attacking him. 

The good news....he should know the pain you are in and he has requested to work on redeveloping a relationship. Deep down he will know that there is no easy fix for the situation he has created. Think carefully about what details you want...for me I HAD to know EVERYTHING so I kept asking until I was completely satisfied. Even now I still ask the odd question and want to discuss something that happened, maybe even to check what I am told now matches what I was told before.

Much that I heard at the outset turned out to be lies, much simply passed me by in an intense emotional haze but thankfully I wrote down the answers I got so I was able to have the option of referring back and then "unpicking" the lies. You may/may not want to keep the record and/or refer back but if you have one at least you will have it if you feel that you need to look at it. Yes, being asked to give intimate details might shame your husband but, it is your right to know whatever details if you want. He is responsible to you for what you want to know. Just think carefully in advance about what you ask. Once you know something, the knowledge cannot be taken back. For me I absolutely knew that knowing as much as I could i.e. everything, would be better than not knowing even the smallest detail and simply imagining that detail instead. In my case, being told and knowing was much less painful than what my imagination would have tortured me with.

Find a suitable time and place to explain what you want to know and why. Emphasize how important being told the truth is and that if he thinks anything might be "too hurtful to say" and/or want to keep things untold, remind him that decisions regarding how much information should be yours to make not his. Once he starts, let him speak. Silence as a response from you will allow/make him talk. However hard, try do not let any strong your emotions get the better of you. He will probably need to feel "some security from threats or outbursts from you" for him to feel sufficiently able to open up fully.

I am 13 months on (my DDay: 9th December 2014) and I can definitely say that there have been images and discomfort at knowing the details (emotional / sexual / locations etc etc) but I am glad I know and feel that I have the "full picture". If you feel there is something "out of place" your instincts: believe me your senses will be heightened and if something does not sound probably is not 

Keep writing the journal. I wish I had. The pain of your entries will lessen. For me, I think that some pain and sadness etc will always be there but, trust me, the intensity does die back and being able to see that, in your own words, will be comforting down the line

Moving forward will be hard and will not be easy or straightline. Be prepared for that. I found reading whatever I could in print/online/forums etc etc helped hugely and I made sure I showed my wife what I wanted her to understand.

Wishing you all best and hoping that your husband shows he truly wants to be with you all the way on your journey
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Simply Devastated

A cut and paste (with some alteration) from an earlier post of mine to a WS (24th June 2015):

Tough to be in this place. It will take time but if there love between both spouses and a willingness from both to stick at a very tough task, you'll both get through it. If the BS asks a question and wants complete honesty - and most truly do want it - then I would suggest that a WS confirms it is what their spouse/partner wants, is gentle and does in fact give the truth. If a BS cannot genuinely feel their spouse/partner is finally being completely honest there is little hope for long term reconciliation. As I see it, until the trust is completely restored (that is a matter of the passage of much time and constant reassurance from the WS: suggestion for WS to read Linda McDonald's book on how you can help your spouse if not done so already) a BS will always want to give themselves emotional protection and that will hinder any long term reconciliation / relationship progression. A WS knows how they feel: a BS is no longer sure what their spouse/partner truly feels and simply feels too vulnerable, because the breach of trust has been so great, to allow themselves to be exposed to the same sort of hurt that they have experienced already. If a WS takes responsibility for their action(s), shows appropriate remorse for their actions, is completely honest in answering what is asked of them, gives the patience and the unconditional support the BS deserves, healing can start to take place, albeit the healing will not be easy or smooth and will take time. Without there is, I suspect little hope.

Hope that might be of help to you/your husband. Stick with it. Good luck
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Simply Devastated

One last post from me....

Comments from Tim T in a previous post on asking for details/truth etc as follows:

"Lately, I've been thinking about the “truth” that gets confessed in this way... the betrayed partner often wants transparent truth (a clear perspective of everything), the unfaithful partner wants to reveal opaque truth (unable to see through it to what was really on the other side; the unfaithful partner gets to paint their own version on it instead), but I encourage the seeking of translucent truth (seeing what's on the other side, but not in every fine detail).
But the unfaithful partner should be willing to share transparently, if that's what's asked."

As ever, insightful comment.
All best
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Simply Devasted-

December 29th was my D Day too. We were likely experiencing some of the same pain at the same time. It's been awful. The very worst feeling in the world so far for me. I read everything I can find. It's been a true roller coaster ride. Sometimes the seconds pass so slowly and all I'm left with are crazy, racing thoughts and flashbacks. It's been so hard and my life has been shattered. My husband seems to want to make things right. It would have been 30 years of marriage this August. Now thinking about an anniversary sickens me. He hurt me so and ruined us. It'll never be the same and that hits me hard.

I'm sorry you are going through this too. I wouldn't wish this pain I'm feeling on my worst enemy. Good luck to you and know you are not alone. I'll be thinking of you every step of my way too. December 29th...RIP.
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