Brandi
After the affair came to light (and not all at once -after 3'weeks of denial) I flew off the handle. Tore up wedding pictures, family pictures, etc. put his stuff in his car and called it a day. And he was fine with it. Wanted some time to 'figure things out' and asked for 2 months. Which I assumed had to do with when his ap's divorce would be final. So a month later he came back to the house. We are seven weeks past dday and some times I wonder if it would be easier if he wasn't here. We are working on things. But I am so raw that many times a day I email or text him something snarky/mean. Those of you who had their ws move out do you think it helped you or hurt you more?
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foreverloved
My WS moved out b/c I told him that if he was still seeing his AP that he didn't need to be here.  He was out for about 3 weeks and I asked him to come back and he did for a week.  Then he left again.  Later found out he was staying with the AP, which came to light.  He ended up moving in with his mom for 4 months.  His father passed away during this time (his parents are divorced).  He was out of house for 6 months.  He came back home first of Oct and we are working on us.  The time apart was good for us.  B/c we were killing each other with words.  But I finally let go of my control and things got better.  I started to forgive him.  I have always wanted to work and save our marriage b/c I truly love him and I believe he loves me but why did he do this.  My biggest advice for you...not to let stuff go, but work on you and how you react to things.  From my experience my reactions caused me much more harm than they did him.  I have grown so much from this happening.  I started focusing on me and figuring out what I needed to do for me and I stop reactly so badly towards him.  I stopped letting him and his actions have control over me.  You've got to figure out if you get get past this, forgive him and move forward or will this always be an issue.  Get into a counselor....talk things through with them.  It helps more than what you realize to talk through things with another person.  yes, you want that person to be your spouse, but right now they may not be able to handle or help you.  Kind of all over the place. But i have been exactly where you are. and looking back I wish I would have handled and done things a little differently, so that maybe we could have been working on us a lot sooner. But can't live in the what ifs got to live in the present situation and take it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. But it does get easier and things start to hurt a little less. 
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Brandi
That was my thought too that I couldnt walk away without knowing I tried to save it. And who knows-we may try and it may still end. But at least I wont have to live with any what ifs. But I am all over the place and I have my own therapist to talk to. I told my husband that I was going to stop talking to him about his affair because there is no sense in both of us feeling like crap all day every day. Some days I'm okay and some days I am just unable to do anything but dwell. And it has only been 7 weeks and this is supposed to last 2 years!? The last 7 weeks have seemed like 7 years.
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Anna26
I did the same as Foreverloved, in that things were still going on between them so I asked him to move out.  I asked him to think about what he wanted and try to clear his head and explained he'd only really be able to do this if he didn't have any contact with her.  He may have tried, I'll never be certain of that, but now it seems things are 'on' again.

I have to say though when he first moved out, there was a huge sense of relief as a sense of peace and calm descended.  All the tense and anxious atmosphere had gone and because I didn't know what he was doing, it helped.  I felt stronger and more able to think in a rational matter.

I think when you are still together, it helps you to be able to talk more and try and be supportive of each other, which is something that we haven't been able to do as easily.  This is what I wanted to do, but I think he feels that, if he came home, I might have been constantly running him down, and 'getting my own back'. Some of the things he says give me that impression anyway.
As time has gone on though, it feels like things are changing.  When he does call in, I'm reminded of all those annoying little things he does that I've kind of got used to being without!  I'm still waiting for the decision that he seems unable to make and I'm coming around more to with a life without him in it.  He's also said that the longer he is away, the harder it is to come back. And I know he is worried that he lets us down again, and he would be the first to agree that there would be little point in returning unless he were certain. I'm not saying that things would have worked out between us either, just that if it didn't, at least we could have said we tried everything.

I don't want to wait forever though, what is the point in that, I could waste the whole of the rest of my life waiting for something that might never happen.
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Robin1971
My WS and therapist thought is was a good idea for him to move out for a few weeks to give us a break, it had nothing to do with AP. She was already out of picture. I thought it was a horrible idea for me, in my eyes, which I told him was I would not be able to work on us if he was not here, I didn't need time away, because for me I thought that would push me further away from him. He decided after 2 days he didn't want to do the separation anymore, but I stayed with it. I hated it, but I followed the rules and the advice of the therapist. I do not feel that it helped at all, but than again it was only for about 2.5 weeks. He travels for 2 weeks at a time sometimes. It was more a control thing for him I believe.
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Robin1971
Intuition77, my therapist said she normally does not recommend separation, but she said that in our situation with arguing all the time ( which mainly happened only in office IMHO) and WS saying that is what he wanted she thought it was a good idea to have " a break". I even told her that I thought it was a stupid idea and she said, " I really think you need to think long and hard at what you need and want from him and not have him there to sway you".
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TimT
Robin1971 wrote:
Intuition77, my therapist said she normally does not recommend separation, but she said that in our situation with arguing all the time...

Statistically, separation tends to lead to break-up more often than reconciliation, but in some cases it is advised. You've mentioned most of them on this topic: one partner actively involved in an affair, a deep pattern of conflict, and another would be an unsafe environment (e.g., abuse). If a couple is stuck in a cycle of conflict, temporary separation can allow them to "reset" and start over. However, I would encourage some individual counseling during that time (or joint counseling, at least) or else the couple might pick right up where they left off.
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Kalmarjan
I hope I can post in here, not meaning to hurt or offend.... Just wanted to relay my experience with a counsellor suggesting that we separate.


My wife and I were counselled to separate because I was still in the affair with my AP. There was no point continuing to live under a roof and damaging the children with our grown up problems. Plus, I didn't make it easy to be around, with being a jackass and all.

In the end, separating was a blessing, because it really let me see the "relationship" I got into with my AP in a setting that was like a LTR. I truly didn't like what I saw.

I think had I been in house, it would have been harder to break out of that fog because then I would have somewhere (and someone) to escape to when things got bad. It would have perpetuated the cycle that got me into the affair in the first place

That is

Anger and resentment - > leave and escape to AP - > whine and moan - > have AP be the "opposite" - > go back home to an understandably upset BS - > back to anger and resentment.

So, in essence living out on my own really woke me up, because now I wasn't as angry and resentful to my wife, but more like sad at the way things turned out. Then when my AP tried to fuel that anger and resentment it just wasn't really there anymore. My wife and I weren't fighting, we weren't even talking..

And honestly, not sure if any WS out there have the cajones enough to admit it....

But my wife not wanting to see me, or talk to me, or be in the same room as me... Really hurt. It felt as if I lost my best friend in the world.

Had I been in the Same house, or something like it, I can see how I would have gotten madder and madder. Instead, I was filled with profound sadness.

Plus, that helped degenerate my AP and my relationship further because my AP didn't understand why I was emotional. (she didn't get that I was mourning losing a 14 year relationship!)

So, I can see why a counselled would suggest separation... I think it's to interrupt that cycle. To snap the WS back into reality.

I hope that made some sense...
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Damot
In my case we had a counselor that I see for unrelated matters prior to the affair coming to light.  He initially got my WS wife to agree to a 3 month plan to stay in the house and work on a few things. My WS said the reason she agreed was out of obligation and I can now see that my counselor was hoping to get her to move from obligation to commitment.  Unfortunately we were passed onto another counselor that my WS had previously seen.

During that time of a few weeks between appointments we had a number of conversations that went around in circles with my WS not really interested in anything at all other than blame shifting and excuse making.  I wanted to talk and my WS didn't so it was a tough couple of weeks for both of us.

We went to her counselor and she recommended that we consider a separation but didn't guide us through what to do.  Only recommended it so that we didn't end up hating each other. I do know that looking back and from research we could not have worked on us whilst my WS is in a state of limerence (fog), which is where I still think she is.

So we separated the following day after counseling, although I was still against it, and started off amicably but resentment grew over the kids mainly from my WS as she didn't like missing out on them or them coming back saying that they wanted to stay at home with me.  This has put a strain on communication between the both of us and as a result not much talking has been occurring between us for the past month or so. If any it has been through lawyers and texts about the kids.

During this time the relationship with the AP has progressed, although he is still married and living with his wife although she is aware of this, but moving back to the UK in December.  At times I can see the strain on her and that she's not as happy as she is making out.  Hopefully this time on her own and without contact from me can sway her back to some rational thinking.

I was advised from my counselor today that as she has started a relationship since separation that the likelihood of reconciliation is very minimal, not sure on others thoughts of this. I see it as a continuation of the affair and not a new relationship, however my WS might be trying to color it.

I still believe that she has a lot of resentment to get trough about me and may take some time to go through until the anger towards me runs out and her AP like in Kalmarjan case still expects there to be hate towards me to further the AP cause and one of the reasons that they started talking to each other.

I think in my case separation was both good and bad. It freed her up to investigate the AP further but stopped the discussions that would have not gone further and likely turned into greater resentment between us.  The big losers are our kids who are missing out on both of us.

Time will tell....

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AHmember52
In my situation I had no choice about stay or go.  Dday was the day he told me he was leaving me, had already moved his stuff out and already bought a place to live with AP.  I suspected nothing and felt completed blind-sided and abandoned.  It was extremely difficult being all alone, kids are grown and gone, and I really wanted him to come back for several months.  It was "I love him, I want him, I need him."  finally after 9 months I can say, "I don't need him, I don't love him and I don't want him!"
He claims to be happy with no plans to return although his whole family, and our kids, have embraced me and shunned him.  He just thinks they are being rude.

The instant sever was incredibly painful but maybe was easier than having him continue in the house while I processed the betrayal. 

It has been a very difficult year.  I have said a lot of hurtful things, coming from my deep resentment and sadness.  But I know I can make it.  I have replaced him with a dog.  Best therapy ever! 
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