Reese
Did your WS ever come out of the fog? 

If so- how long did it take?

Has anyone had a WS who left and started divorce proceedings then come out of the fog and try to reconcile? 

Thanks for any information you can provide. 🌻
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ThrivenotSurvive
Mine came out extremely fast.  But we had a forum member (Kilmarjan) that left his wife and LIVED with the OW - but ended up coming back after his wife pulled the 180 (for REAL, not to get him back) and they reunited.  It is uncommon, but it does happen.   I've known others who had their WS come back, but by then the ship had sailed and they'd realized they were better off without them.  

However, the key is to move on as if they aren't coming back.  And that is what you will need to do.  So that you are okay whether he does, or doesn't.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Keepabuzz
My wife was out of the fog before her confession.  She ended her affair, and tried to turn into super wife a month before she confessed. The super wife act, I wasn’t buying. I knew there was something wrong, but I had no idea she had betrayed me. I took her about a month after her confession to really even begin to grasp the full weight of what she had done to me. I think I took many more months to “get it” as much as she could. 

Don’t play the pick me game, move forward alone. If he ever does come out, and wants another chance, you can cross that bridge when you come to it, but you will likely pass on it. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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triplehooks
Reese, is this happening with you right now? Did your spouse leave?  Sorry you find yourself here.  
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Reese
Yes, mine is staying with family and has been for the last month. When I told him I filed he told me he would end it and cut contact and wanted me, our marriage and family etc. However since he has been back and forth. He greatly reduced contact only to have her show up here. She is from a different state but was woeking in a remote location with my husband in our state. She just spent a week with him. I have no doubt they have now been physical and I just emailed her parents who are very educated people and hold very good careers within their community, to inform them of what is happening. We have 5 children. The affair has been ongoing for 3.5 months I believe (judging by when they met, behavior changes etc) and I have known for two months. It was one month ago that he begged me to work on our marriage. He literally stands to lose everything. I understand how we got here. I am hopeful that he ends it and chooses to try for our family. Our kids are 12,10,7,4,1. 
That being said, I am doing the 180 for me and hoping that with no contact I can heal and at some point he comes to choose us on his own. 


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triplehooks
All the right moves... There’s another thread recently about this with someone similar (even the five kids).  I think it’s called “husband in fog wants out” or something like that.  Some good edifying thoughts in there from other posters. 

I love your decisiveness.  Filing right away sends a powerful signal.  I personally believe it’s the only move in this particular spot/circumstance.  Doesn’t mean they can’t come to their senses and try to find their way back to you someday, but I believe to level the playing field they should be fighting for you from outside the cheese bell. AKA they are now like anyone else on the street or worse someone who has a negative track record with you not a neutral track record and they need to atone and make restitution before they are even just at par.  

I’m also personally not against letting a jerk like this know you will be quickly replacing him with a man that is better at (insert whatever insecurity he has here...making money, sex, being a good parent/role model, whatever).  It may had him to know you don’t think he’s perfect and that he is replaceable.  This “standing” business and or pining for or longing for what was is frankly for the birds.  Striking hard and efficiently at this most painful moment is an excellent strategy.  Hire a PI get evidence of their adultery and use it to your advantage.  You can expose her, expose him, in some cases sue her (for alienation of affection, some jurisdictions have this statute).  If she’s married it’s an option to go right to her husband and start collaborating on triangulating their $h!t.  Maybe you can even poach HER husband (Lol, ethically of course, but the contract has been broken already you only owe YOURSELF and your kids anything at this point, not your cheating husband). 

It may may be hard to accept (or you may accept this already) but basically your husband has become a criminal. He is engaged in theft (of your time, patience, and — retrospectively — ALL of the years you’ve invested in this — he’s just invalidated them), murder (he is actively murdering your marriage and family), and adultery — along with violating several other of the Ten Commandments (which even if you’re not religious are still reasonable requests of any moral person).  His accomplice is also committing these crimes. 

Treat them like criminals until they do whatever YOU want, and then raise the bar WAY high. Don’t let him back into your heart without an extreme display of personal transformation.  
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ThrivenotSurvive
Reese wrote:
Yes, mine is staying with family and has been for the last month. When I told him I filed he told me he would end it and cut contact and wanted me, our marriage and family etc. However since he has been back and forth. He greatly reduced contact only to have her show up here. She is from a different state but was woeking in a remote location with my husband in our state. She just spent a week with him. I have no doubt they have now been physical and I just emailed her parents who are very educated people and hold very good careers within their community, to inform them of what is happening. We have 5 children. The affair has been ongoing for 3.5 months I believe (judging by when they met, behavior changes etc) and I have known for two months. It was one month ago that he begged me to work on our marriage. He literally stands to lose everything. I understand how we got here. I am hopeful that he ends it and chooses to try for our family. Our kids are 12,10,7,4,1. 
That being said, I am doing the 180 for me and hoping that with no contact I can heal and at some point he comes to choose us on his own. 




This is PERFECT.  Filing and moving to protect yourself and your kids is KEY.   

The only thing I would add is that you need to now put ALL the time and attention that you would normally put into him/your marriage into healing YOU.  If you have Kindle - order a copy of "Living and Loving After Intimate Betrayal" by Steve Stosny, PhD.  Read it and do the exercises to begin to rebuild yourself.

This is a critical time and it is natural to try to use food, alcohol, TV or any other distraction to make yourself feel better/forget.  That is fine - to a point.  But if you break a bone and don't have it set properly, it heals - but not well.  The same can happen to our hearts and spirit.  Take conscious control of your healing.  If you can, get a good therapist.  If you can't, read books, listen to podcasts, lean on friends and family (that are good for you) and take care of yourself physically and emotionally.  Become you OWN very best friend.  Come here whenever you need it.  When the going gets rough we can help remind you that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I am so sorry that you and your kids are having to go through this.  It will be very, very hard.  But you will all not only be okay - you will actually be HAPPY again (I know it's hard to believe in the early days, but it is TRUE.)
  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Reese
I outed them to her parents via email today- I included all screenshots of my communication with her. I then outed them to all of his family- same thing with screenshots showing her telling me she's going to continue to be with him etc.

No word from him yet but they're about 50 texts deep in an angry stream. I figure at the very least, I will not take the blame for this. Hopefully it doesn't bite me in the behind. I only stated facts. Anyway. Anxious now. Idk why. I haven't done anything ugly. 
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Keepabuzz

Reese wrote:
I outed them to her parents via email today- I included all screenshots of my communication with her. I then outed them to all of his family- same thing with screenshots showing her telling me she's going to continue to be with him etc.

No word from him yet but they're about 50 texts deep in an angry stream. I figure at the very least, I will not take the blame for this. Hopefully it doesn't bite me in the behind. I only stated facts. Anyway. Anxious now. Idk why. I haven't done anything ugly. 


Bravo!  Shine the light on the darkness. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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triplehooks
It’s important to keep in mind at this stage that there’s nothing to be afraid of now.  In the first few months after d-day I would go on long, LONG walks, until late in the night. I’d imagine walking in complete darkness by bushes and shrubs, where I’d imagine someone jumping out and stabbing me. I realized how ridiculous that thought was, for many reasons, but one of them was that nothing mattered anymore.  NOTHING mattered because I had lost THEE most important thing to me, the pure, innocent, devoted love I had for my wife.  The kind of blind faith any of us may have been able to have before we were robbed of the trust of our most intimate partner.  

Of course it wasnt true that nothing mattered any more, but it sure felt that way.  But feeling that and meditating on it allowed me to connect with a kind of fearlessness...based on the fact that THE WORST HAD ALREADY HAPPENED, and nothing worse could POSSIBLY happen.   All of which allowed a kind of honesty... I was able to express some truths that I previously would have considered unkind... And it allowed me to take some actions free of the inhibitions of “making things worse” or “causing harm”...

Bravo on exposing them.  WHATEVER happens from that will be fine.  Either it drives him further away — and if it does WHO CARES?? — or it removes the secrecy and thrill and as Keep says “shines a light” on a cockroach type behavior.  

Whats your story? How long have you been married?  Are you ok for money?  Being able to stand on your own feet will be another pillar in your plan for life without him. Firstly for yourself and while not a REASON to do so it sends a powerful signal you are moving on.  

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Experiencethedevine29
Reese wrote:
I outed them to her parents via email today- I included all screenshots of my communication with her. I then outed them to all of his family- same thing with screenshots showing her telling me she's going to continue to be with him etc.

No word from him yet but they're about 50 texts deep in an angry stream. I figure at the very least, I will not take the blame for this. Hopefully it doesn't bite me in the behind. I only stated facts. Anyway. Anxious now. Idk why. I haven't done anything ugly. 


Get on girl! That’s effing awesome!

You have absolutely NOTHING to be worried about lovely, you’ve done nothing wrong. All you’ve done is expose a pair of narcissistic cheaters whose ‘happiness’ depends on lies and deceit.  Would a thief get away with keeping his court appearance secret? No...and what’s been stolen from you is far worse.

undoubtedly there’s going to be a s*itstorm, but that isn’t YOUR fault, it’s THEIRS. They wanted to play with fire? There are consequences to that...you get burned...burn the f*ckers to the ground, BOTH of them. Neither of these two Cee yoU Next Tuesdays have shown you anything but disrespect, and if you never see or hear from either of them again, that’ll be a blessing, believe me, but I doubt you’ll be that lucky.🙄


I know  this is really hard, and as you wait for the proverbial to hit the fan, your stomach is in knots of apprehension but keep your head up girl, and your dignity intact. YOU are a warrior, and you’re doing a grand job.

ETD🌻
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hurting
Do what you need to do. At least now they can’t hide behind whatever stupid lies they were planning (or not planning) to tell their families to justify their behaviour!! Reveal their disgusting truth for everyone to see. I hope this burns them GOOD.

Do not be afraid. You have done nothing but tell the truth here. You didn’t make this mess. THEY did. 

Keep holding your head high. Look after yourself.
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Keepabuzz
One thing to watch out for is this. Don’t expect everyone to take your side, even though they totally should. It is very surprising, but not uncommon for people to believe the lies he is telling. He will likely tell people terrible lies about you so to save face. He will do his best to blame you for “driving” him to his affair. It’s complete horse $hit, but a likely possibility. 

I would have done the the exact same thing if it had made sense in my situation. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Skelling
Mine ended the affair before I found out, however I think the fog didn't lift till a lot later. A lot of justification, minimalizing and rationalizing went on well past dday. I think we were well in month 4 or 5 until he was able to see and beginning to understand what he had caused an just how much our lives were affected.
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Reese
An update,

My husband called my attorney and threatened defamation of character and they informed him I had done nothing wrong. 

Loys of angry texts between him, the ow and his parents.

Ow just posted a photo of him on instagram and his mom commented ♥️♥️

Pretty sure they are trying to bait me but I'm not taking it. I'm truly disgusted at his parents complete lack of regard for our family. 

Also is it normal in the fog to change your appearance. He's got some ridiculous mustache right now and he literally never wore his facial hair differently, ever. 


Monday is three weeks since he's seen the children. He's not even trying.
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