Heartbroken2015

My WH asked for a separation in April as he said he didn't feel loved.  He said I was too busy with work, school, the house and our son to love him enough.   He treated me very cold for several months until I left in June.   We sought counseling over the summer and he continued to say how I didn't give him enough attention, that I didn't compliment him enough, that I was always too busy.  We discussed why I was too busy, i.e.: he said he believed my 'job' was in the home and to take care of our children.  That I should balance my energy so I had more time for him. I tried to see his point and worked on giving him more attention.   We seemed to be progressing towards reconcilliation and I was to move home Oct 1st.   

On Sept 27th I found out he was having an emotional affair the whole time denying anything physical.   He said he ended the affair and finally in Nov confessed to a physical affair.

He says he is a changed man, he now does laundry (his own and our sons as we are separated), has our son 50/50 (never changed a diaper or got up in night, never even held him until he was almost 5months old), he attended our son's activities & events (prior said it was my responsibility and was too busy), never missed a pick up after school (prior had never once picked him up as he couldn't get away in time from work), wants to do things as a family (use to take his vacations separate to work on his cars etc), shows up at my townhouse with flowers regularly (never gave me flowers or was romantic), he helps me during bad weather to get to work or clean off my car (never helped me with my car, said he shouldn't have to take care of me).

So now that he wants to reconcile he is this changed man?  I wonder is this fake or real?  I ask him why now, he said it was a wake up call loosing us and he was in a fog all summer and most of our married life.   But it all seems too much?

So not only do I need to learn to trust him again, there is this new person that I need to fall in love with??  

Did your spouse change and was it REAL?

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Fionarob
Hi Heartbroken 2015

I can only speak from my personal experience, and that is that my husband did show some changes after I discovered his affair.  Unfortunately those changes were always short lived, because I don't think his heart was really in it.  He was doing it to "win" me back and to satisfy my need for proof that the affair was over.  It often felt that he didn't really want to make changes, but that he felt pushed into it.  It never felt like he had recognised how he needed to change......but he just went along with the things I was saying I needed.

Because it never came from him it would ultimately end in him relapsing back into the affair, which he did several times. 

I would say that it is at least a positive sign that your husband seems to have taken the initiative, and started doing things that he should have been doing before.  Maybe it really was the wake up call he needed to make some changes to himself and your relationship.  I think the only way you can tell if it is 'real' is how long it lasts!  If he really believes the changes make him a better person, then surely he will continue to be the changed man.  If he is only doing it so that you take him back then he won't be able to sustain it, just like my husband couldn't. 

The gestures he is making at the moment are lovely, but fairly easy things to do.  The real test comes when you start to try and repair the damage of the affair, and when you are still struggling to trust them despite them doing all the 'right' things.  That shows whether they are really committed or not.  I can already feel my husband is starting to get frustrated with me because I still don't trust him (only 2 months after the most recent DDay) and he sounds very similar to yours - complains that I don't give him enough compliments, affection etc.  Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to understand that after his two year affair I don't feel that great about myself, let alone feel like paying him compliments to boost his own ego! 

I hope that helps, and I hope he really has had a wake-up call and is making real changes.  I wish it would happen to my husband soon!
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TimT
Fionarob wrote:
...The real test comes when you start to try and repair the damage of the affair, and when you are still struggling to trust them despite them doing all the 'right' things.  That shows whether they are really committed or not...
Well said! The sincerity of your husband's change will be demonstrated in his willingness to stay with change despite a lack of quick trust on your part. He won't do this perfectly (neither will you), but the pattern of his recovery intentions will continue despite these disappointments IF his motivation is coming from the right place (a true shift toward self-change and not just momentary efforts to get what he wants).

Having said that, the betrayed spouse should not stay stuck in unforgiveness or mistrust. It will take you some time to get to those things, but he needs to know that you want to move toward them and that you are willing, step by step, to move toward them. If not, hopelessness will eventually set in.
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Searching4
Heartbroken, my husband did change, and the changes have been consistent for almost five years. No, he wasn't perfect, but he never let up on trying to be a better man. He didn't only change in how he behaved toward me, he changed within himself. I see these changes because they are so very obvious. He is happy and relaxed whereas during the affair he was moody and stressed. He is warm and loving compared to cool and unpleasant. He comes home early from work every single day and rushes to me to hold me and tells me how much he loves me and how grateful he his that I am here with him. And he is fun to be with!

We are empty nesting right now and it is OK because I look forward to being with him all the time. We are never bored together. Yes, we still talk about the affair because it had a huge impact on our lives. We are much better now, not because of it in any way, but in spite of it.

So, yes, it is possible, but it was a difficult journey to get here. It worked because we didn't give up and we clung to each other the whole way.
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Keepabuzz
My wife changed after the affair as well. She had been depressed for many years before the affair. Had more than her fair share of personal demons from her past/childhood. Then during the affair (5 months) it got much worse. She was cruel, cold, uncaring for me or our children. She ended the affair a little over a month before she came clean to me. She has been consistent in the changes she has made, it's been a little over a year since D-day.

I will give you an example. Through out our entire marriage, she would never fix my plate of food or bring it to me. Although I did this quite often for her. Her mother has always waited on her father hand and foot, like a servant. So she said she would never do it. After the affair she does this all the time. I know it's not much, and there are many other things she has changed, but this one is important to me due to her explanation. She said "I always thought if i did that, then I would be like my mother, your servant. Now I see that you always did that for me, and I never saw you as my servant, and you certainly didn't see yourself as my servant. I see now, you did it because you loved me. It was just one of the many ways you showed me that, and I ruined it all, everything, I destroyed everything".

Like others here, I don't trust her fully yet, I do some. I don't know if I ever will completely trust her, I hope that I do. I will continue to work to heal, and allow her to show me that her changes are for real, with time.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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