Youny79
It's quite remarkable to see how my current life realtionship seems to mirror my early childhood situation which has lead me to ask 
IS THE AFFAIR A REPEATED PATTERN FROM OUR CHILDHOOD? 

If anyone else can see links with there Early childhood and there affair or infidelity situation I would love to read about it......

my mum unfortunately developed quite a serious mental illness, and as a result of neglect the authorities raised the alarm and me and my sisters were put into permanent foster care

As an adult I can't help but see a strange parallel with my current life situation and that of my childhood 


Was the extra emotional importance I placed on physical attraction with the opposite sex which lead up to a short affair, just a pattern of longing which originated in the neglect i suffered in my relationship with my mum

In strange almost trippy way I have this Repeat of my childhood where I'm in a healthy stable environment but on the outskirts theres this abstract women who almost promises salvation seems to offer all the answers to my longings but I don't trust her I don't think she is really good for me..

I interestingly on the other side of things the affair partner told me she knew her dad but he never had anything to do with her when she was a child . she said she had counselling it.....


if when she was a child she wanted her dad to want her may be the seed of her affair was planted in her relationship with her dad ( or lack of it)

on some level she longed for her dad to want her to be seen by him and loved by Him which caused her to put a lot of emotional importance on the attraction buzz of adult life and realtionships as this allowed her to express her childhood longing

The other side to this i wonders is she also hated her dad for not wanting her !!!!and I think on some level wanted her dad to know how he made her feel. 

the affair expresses both her need to be wanted (the affair partner) and her contempt for her dad by cheating on her husband all in one messy situation 

her husband takes hate and was made to feel like she did (unwanted) and I or one in many represented her childhood desire ... to be wanted and loved!!!!


i think on a deeper level that man only ever has one realtionship with a women and that's his mum and all other realtionships with women are just an expression of the fears and desires created by the original 

and the same for women and men!!!!

and perhaps in the rich tapestry of life bring the affair partners together to unconsciously heal Our childhood trauma?? Or at least bring it to consciousness 
Quote 0 0
Negarcia
I feel that this might be true in certain situations.  My H's mother had multiple affairs since my H's father was hardley ever around - he was an over the road truck driver.  She ended up having 2 children from other men that my FIL took care of.  I had told my H that he might be following in the steps of both his parents.  He has had multiple affairs and has recently had a child with his AP, works away from the home and would only come home on weekends when he felt it was necessary.  Just last Monday when his daughter with AP was born he called me crying and told me he hated him self and that he turned into his mother, he just never wanted to see if that way.  He did tell me he was just looking for someone to love him since he was neglected as a child and he said he felt that I was neglecting him because he worked away from the home and I needed to focus on me and the kids. I do disagree that bringing affairs into the mix somehow heals childhood trauma! it is a cycle that will keep going if someone doesn't break it and needs to be worked on by the person who is suffering the trauma, not by introducing someone else to the already broken world. 
Quote 1 0
UrbanExplorer
I know this often sounds like an excuse for an affair to the BS, but it is truly NOT intended that way. It's not a way out of owning our behavior, but of understanding it and trying to change the factors that led to it. Finding out why we had an affair, what inside us allowed it to happen, what it was to us, is probably the most important personal work a WS can do if we want to do better and be healthier in the future. Our family of origin usually shapes the dynamics of future intimate relationships. That can be disastrous if your family of origin was dysfunctional.

My mom is an ACOA and used a lot of shame-based parenting, my dad is a total rug sweeper of negative emotions, and I grew up as a people pleasing perfectionist and codependent who would absolutely try to hide my flaws lest I would be emotionally hammered by my disappointed mom. I was a magnet for addicts, underachievers, narcissists, and sociopaths who read me correctly as an empathetic rescuer. Having an education and money but low self-esteem and low expectations made me an even better target. Me giving and someone else taking is the doomed dynamic that feels familiar or "right" to me. I'll probably fight against that until I die.

When my affair was revealed, it strongly brought me back to unresolved baggage surrounding an unplanned pregnancy I had when I was young, how my parents shamed me, how publicly embarrassed I was, and how I could not wait to get away from everyone and deal with it all alone (which is exactly what I did - avoided my parents and never repaired that relationship). This time, my husband was a stand-in for my mom as the disappointed person. In addition, my husband (in a moment of early panic) told my mom about my affair, which sort of linked them more strongly in my mind and made me want to flee the damage. A therapist very early on sniffed out that something under the surface needed to be dealt with before there was any use to marriage counseling.

Tl;dr is that learning how to be honest about my needs and flaws is critical in making my marriage authentic and building intimacy to sustain it. Learning to spot manipulators who trigger my rescuer tendencies is critical in protecting my marriage from future intrusions. There is no marital restoration (or ability to move into a different, healthy relationship in the future) if we don't understand what drives our behavior.
Quote 2 0
GingerHoneyBunny
it definitely does link back to childhood. my wife never grew up with her parents. she grew up a single child with her grandmother and some aunts. it was not a good childhood. later on her parents had a very ugly divorce about 14 yrs ago and haven't spoken to each other since. very ugly. we cant even visit her dad without keeping it a secret from her mum. there is just so much of hate. my wife always needed more affirmation than i could give. of course not, im not perfect. i have my brokenness to deal with too, everyone has. but childhood definitely does contribute to the vulnerability of having an affair. Her AP too had a some what similar childhood. He was the youngest child and took care of his dying mum (cancer) during his teenage years. both of them had lost childhoods
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
Quote 2 0