donewithitall
I cheated (not proud). My wife discovered the affair and we separated. We have been discussing all of the issues in our marriage, including the affair, for months. We have argued with each other, cried, sought counseling, etc. Within the last week, my wife has been discussing the possibility of reconciling and having me move back to our home. The problem is that I have not been completely honest with her about the affair. Although it is over, contact with my affair partner ended about a month after I told my wife it did. My affair partner lives in another state and the sexual/physical part of the affair ended a while ago. But we have been in periodic contact via text and the occasional phone call/face time chat. Also, several months ago, I agreed to help out my affair partner by adding her cell phone to my account and paying the bill for her. In addition to all that (as if that isn't enough!), I left my affair partner use my credit card to buy things such as clothes, etc. (the total amount that she charged to my credit card is minimal and not worrisome, but the fact that she charged anything at all will be significant to my wife). Obviously my wife will learn that I was in contact with my affair partner after the date I told her the affair ended, that my affair partner's phone is on my account, and that my affair partner used my credit card. My wife deserves to know this information. She deserves to have all of the relevant information in order to make an informed decision about reconciling with me and trying to rehabilitate our marriage. If she finds out "later on" and/or if she learns this information from a source other than me (i.e., if she sees a bill), she will feel betrayed and will conclude that I am continuing to lie to her and probably choose to divorce me. I love her and want to fix our marriage, which suffers from problems other than the affair (we are in couples therapy in an effort to address all of the issues). My affair was a mistake that I wish could be undone and now that things are looking somewhat hopeful, I am terrified to tell her the missing facts. What is the best way to tell her? When is the best time to tell her? How should I tell her? What is the possibility that telling her will ruin our chance to reconcile? Please help me.
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Kalmarjan
donewithitall,

You feel like you are in quite a bind. I understand your situation totally. I was there. 

You realize that you need to come clean for this to work at all.

You are terrified that by being vulerable that your wife may reject you, end it all, and all would be for naught. 

Are the items still on the credit card? Is the AP still living under your wing?

You know that you will need to take care of that, stat if possible.

As for how to go about it, or whether and when, let me ask you this:

Are you all in?

It sounds like you are, from your message here.

Like it or not, it's time to come clean. You have basically stated this in your message right there. You can't continue like this, and forget about whether your wife will accept it. It sounds like you have an issue with it because you have integrity.

Unfortunately, there is not going to be an easy way to do this. But you will need to come clean.

In my situation, the blunt, honest truth session is what worked for me. I had to tell my wife something way more awful than what you are speaking about, and to be honest, there is no way to do it without feelings getting hurt one way or another.

On the other hand, once the truth is completely out there, then you all can focus on your healing.

Tim has some great resources here to help you out. Check them out on the downloads section.

You can do this. I know it's hard. Believe me, I know. But you can do it. 
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donewithitall
Thank you for the input. It means a lot. My affair partner is still under my wing in the strictest sense, meaning her cell phone is still on my account. As for the credit card charges, she has not made any in a week or more but the account statement on-line shows charges as far back as 90 days, and there are definitely several charges in that time period. As frightening as it is, I suppose your advice is sound and that I have to muster the courage to look her in the face and just blurt it out without sugar coating it (and also without being rude). I can't believe that I am in this position. Thank you again.
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Kalmarjan
donewithitall wrote:
Thank you for the input. It means a lot. My affair partner is still under my wing in the strictest sense, meaning her cell phone is still on my account. As for the credit card charges, she has not made any in a week or more but the account statement on-line shows charges as far back as 90 days, and there are definitely several charges in that time period. As frightening as it is, I suppose your advice is sound and that I have to muster the courage to look her in the face and just blurt it out without sugar coating it (and also without being rude). I can't believe that I am in this position. Thank you again.


One more thing to add is, why are you footing this bill?

You can expect that question from your wife. Do you have an answer? Plus, one thing that will help you immensely in this is complete no contact. There is not much hope for your marriage if you have anything to do with her.

I know that you may have a sense of duty to your AP, I get it. I had one too. But, in the end you need to decide what is acceptable to you in all of this. Can you see that having your AP on any sort of string g to you is not putting your best foot forward in this situation?

I don't mean this to be mean, but it looks like you need to do a little work for yourself. You sound like a nice guy who is being taken for a ride. What are your boundaries?

Do you want all of your work to be derailed by someone you have a misplaced sense of obligation to? So, this poor AP needs a cellphone on your name, and to use your credit card for her incidentals?

You sound like you may have a hard time saying no. Believe me, I get it. It's a long hard look to yourself and very, very hard to take that stand.

I'm not telling you that you need to stand for your marriage, or for this AP, but as a nice guy your natural tendency is to perhaps hide things and hope they will go away. For example if your wife had no way of finding out about you helping the AP, would you cut the AP off? Do you see that you will not be able to sweep this under the rug, and someone is going to be hurt really badly, no matter what you do?

So, you are faced with a choice. Your wife, or your AP. I am guessing by this post it has become clear to you that you cannot have both.

It's a tough, really tough position to be in. You can do this though.
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donewithitall
No contact is an absolute must and it's a rule that I agree with (and intend to honor). I do not have a good reason for why her phone is still on my bill. The only reason is that I offered to pay it to help her out months ago and have not figured out how to take it off. Certainly I will do so immediately, but I still have to deal with the fact that her phone was on my account at all. I've never been a coward, but this situation sure did show me to be one. I will find the strength to finally do th right thing. Thanks again for your advice. Much appreciated.
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Kalmarjan
donewithitall wrote:
No contact is an absolute must and it's a rule that I agree with (and intend to honor). I do not have a good reason for why her phone is still on my bill. The only reason is that I offered to pay it to help her out months ago and have not figured out how to take it off. Certainly I will do so immediately, but I still have to deal with the fact that her phone was on my account at all. I've never been a coward, but this situation sure did show me to be one. I will find the strength to finally do th right thing. Thanks again for your advice. Much appreciated.


Any time.

The important thing is not what was in the past, but what is going forward. Either way you have to face up or not. Thing is, to be able to show you are all in with your wife by saying, "Hey, I did this out of a sense of guilt, but I am over that. I have disconnected or taken her off the bill and I will have no contact with her." will be better than trying to explain away why you are still footing the bill.

Oh, and you are not a coward. You just have been manipulated. It happened to me too. Guilt is a strange thing. It's good in some sense, but can lead you down the wrong way in others. For sure.

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donewithitall
Please change your user name to "Yoda". Thanks again!
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SuzieQ
Donewithitall - how did this work out for you? You remind me a little bit of my WH. If you are being really, really honest with yourself...do you think it's more significant that you added a cellphone for your AP at all or the fact that you haven't taken it off yet even though you are saying you are "done" with the affair and have no contact?
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