faithful2417
i met this guy call him (Guy) and we partied together.  i thought he would be fun to date but it was a few years before we messed around.  amd it was bad. but i was drunk so whatever. a while later i became best friends with a guy he introduced me to.  we started dating but i was really hesitant. no titles were assigned. i have had problems in relationships; I'm either single and fun or committed and codependent where i lose my identity in the relationship.  i tried to not do that by maintaining my independance. i went out on boats and partied without him in an attempt to maintain my independance. i got super drunk and started having sex with Guy but stopped it. this was 6 years 2 babies a house and a marriage ago. i knew we started something but i was honestly so drunk that i only remember peices of that day. i told husband what i could remember after he confessed his affair to me.  his was in april. i had no idea. i trusted him completely. i realized i really did want him and i stopped drinking like that.  i fell deeply in love with him and i married him.  but i also developed postpartum anxiety low selfworth deepening depression amd he felt rejected.   he cheated on me 11months into our marriage.  

he is pissed because 2 days ago Guy told him his version of the story. that i threw myself on him and he didnt know we were dating.  that we did have sex but he "stopped mid stroke"  (cause we all know how likely that is). and why stop if you dont know we are dating?

6 years ago. i really cant say that i remember what happened.  he is amgry because i lied to him for 6 years.  i really didnt remember most of it.  it was like 2 months into our long distance relationship.  but i know i never betrayed our marriage. he says he hates me now. i cant help but to think his affair is 1000 times worse than my incomplete act from so long ago. he thought of Guy like family.  continued to talk to him and hang out after that.  just not very often. 

what do i do?  why cant i just walk away.  wtf is wrong with me!?
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anthropoidape
It sounds like you guys need to find a good counsellor. There is a lot of history and some complicated feelings. It also sounds like neither of you has had a chance to learn how to pick apart those complicated feelings, and a good counsellor will help with that.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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faithful2417
I'm doing phone coaching with Jen. I just found a new practice about an hour from here and i think it's going to be a good fit. changes my meds. i bought the Marriage Fitness program and I'm reading every book article and podcast i can fit into my day. i love him.  i hope he will attend the retreat with me. 
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Keepabuzz
Faithful2417,

  Your husband is so wrong to have had an affair. He is actually just as wrong as you for having sex with “Guy”.  You don’t get credit because he didn’t finish the act. You should be appalled at your husbands actions, just as he should be appalled at yours.  

You didn’t just have sex with “Guy” that one time. Every time you flirted with him while you were dating your now husband, you were cheating. It seems like you think just that one single act you committed was cheating, that was just the culmination of many acts of cheating. 

I know you’re hurting from the pain of your husbands affair. But it is absolutely true that you lied to your husband for 6 years. That is a lot of deceit. 

I think you both have a lot to work through. I would highly suggest getting into counseling ASAP. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Guiltguilt
Fantastic how some like to tell others how they "should" be thinking. 

Counselling is a good idea, whether he attends or not. I found it invaluable. 
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anthropoidape
It isn't really worth debating, but I would have to say that I think there is a vast gulf between one instance of drunken sex in the dating stage of a relationship, as compared with an affair six years and a couple of children into a marriage. I think the husband in this case is milking this past act for all it's worth, as it's one hell of a get out of jail free card for him if he plays it right. 

Either way the relationship needs a lot of work and it is doomed without some good professional help.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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faithful2417
he hates me.  he says there is no coming back because i either lied about it or if i really forgot then what else have i forgotten? i remembered being inappropriate and stopping.  Guy sent messages telling his version.  he remembers more.  i remember pieces of it because of his story.   but i remember me stopping.  
our first real date was dec31 '11. he went to work for most of feb then he moved in March 5 '12 and went back to work a few days later.  i cheated March 28.  we had been very close friends, not romantically, for several months before that. Guy had introduced us years before that.  we continued to hang out with Guy.  i pretended it didn't happen.  treating him like a friend. 
husband thinks he wouldn't know if he hadn't cheated.  when he confessed to his sexual affair i felt like i could tell him what i remembered and not be judged.  

I'm in therapy.  he's been at work for about a month.  guy told husband  his version a few days ago.  i signed up for the lone ranger track at marriagemax.com.  they claim a 90% success rate.  I've been calling in to AH and asked him to go to a 3 day retreat. I'm trying not to bring up what he did but that hurt plus this guilt has me physically sick. IPsych adjusted my meds.  husband is saying things like he is going to asleep with all of my close friends.  he is vindictive.  but he is also still communicating with me and he cries and i feel like he is still reeling and doesnt want to leave.  

how do i react to his messages?   he says i made him look like a fool.  
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Guiltguilt
He's right. I made my ex wife feel like a fool, hence the word "cheated".

The default is that people leave and move on. Very few actually take a look back. Some of those people are here. If he looks back, you're a very lucky lady.

Like yourself, I tried to bury my affair and throw everything I had into my marriage, but it's a package that is sure to explode, and there's no way of saying where, when or how.

Good luck, however it works out. 
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anthropoidape
All you can do is be 100% genuine and honest from here, and work your a$$ off to try to repair things, and see where that leads. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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faithful2417
he isn't communicating with me. do i continue to call and text just about daily life or do i leave him alone?  i don't even know when he is coming home.  
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Keepabuzz
He has every right to be mad, but you sure as h*ll do too.  I think Anthro is right, he is trying to use this to his advantage. I have no doubt that he is hurting because of your confession, but it does seem WILDLY hypocritical to not speak to you because of what you did, and he did the same thing but worse.  I really get how he feels you made him a fool, well, you did.  That would be a very tough pill to swallow, one I would not be able to. I don’t get how he feels he gets to sling rage your way, but you don’t get to return it towards him for his affair, that doesn’t make any sense. 

How long was his affair?  Why did he confess? Is it over? Was it over before he confessed? Who ended it?  These would be key questions I would have. 

I get him saying he hates you, but I would also fully get you saying you hate him.  He is manipulating you, in my opinion....
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Keepabuzz
faithful2417 wrote:
he isn't communicating with me. do i continue to call and text just about daily life or do i leave him alone?  i don't even know when he is coming home.  


Where is he?
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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faithful2417
he works offshore.  
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faithful2417
Keepabuzz wrote:

How long was his affair?  Why did he confess? Is it over? Was it over before he confessed? Who ended it?  These would be key questions I would have. 
..


he started talking to her on facebook and snap chat in March of this year.  apparently she said i was hot and asked if is be into messing around. he came home from work april 2 for an few days to switch platforms and i was out of town for a babyshower. i told him I'd be home late.  i was planning to stay another night so i left. i got home and he wasn't here.  i called and texted no response.  i texted his mom.  she said he went to the deer camp to put out corn but he should be back.  it was after 9pm and severe t-storms for the past 3hrs.  he got home at like 11. said he got stuck took 7 times to get up the hill.  the next morning i asked if he stopped to wash his truck. he said no. why?  it was spotless.  i blew it off. i knew he was lying but i didnt have a clue and i didnt ask. 

he had picked her up and drove around talking for 5hrs. then parked in the woods and asked if she wanted to have sex. during the storm.   they got in the back seat of my truck.   

he picked her up again the next day and tell days later.  went back to work.  when he came home April 27 he got a hotel room. picked her up. he claims she wouldn't shut up.  she just kept talking and he told her she was only there for one reason.  then he took a shower and got dressed.  she asked him why. he told her she was going home. he said she didnt speak to him the way to drop her off. 

april 13 is his birthday.  mine is a week later. he screwed her on the 27th.  didnt even get me a gift. 

he said he didnt talk to her again. he tried to message her to apologize.  that hurt me. he rarely apologizes to me for anything.  he claimed he was only trying to make sure she didnt talk.   

August 2 after a week of him accusing me of cheating and ignoring me and telling me he had an apointment with a divorce attorney i made an appointment and went to speak to one. i guess that scared him and he confessed out of anger.  first it was 20girls then it was 4 including my best friend here.  he had a nude photo of her. claims he got it out of my phone.  she had sent it to me after her mommy makeover.  he showed me other close up photos with no face and said they were her too.  i was so angry and hurt. i called her. she denied it. i believed her.  then he kept giving details that made me feel like it was true.  i told her husband.  she won't speak to me. he finally had an emotional breakdown where he said it was only the one girl 4 times. there qere 144 text messages between them over a month.    he eventually told me all that stuff.  he was only remorseful like 5 times.
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Kaff
You were crazy and promiscuous once,no one forced alcohol down your neck but granted it lessens rationality and inhibitions. You then carried on with guy- whether just kissing or naked or 1/2 way into reaching a climax you still should not have done if u had a boyfriend .
you were not married though SND when in that commitment you have been faithful
i think your husband is using what u did then to deflect what he chose to do with his affair
lie. Gaslight etc. he is showing it’s about his ego as some” friend” told him what happened between you both years earlier( what were the friends motives for that anyway- to hurt your husband for cheating or inflate his ego at “ having” you)
Anyway your husband betrayed you and isn’t accepting it. You need to do the 180 . Don’t call him don’t give any credential to what he is saying about you. You realised you had acted poorly and stopped those years ago, you blame no one but yourself your husband is a coward and wanting you to feel to blame for his actions( he didn’t know about when he had affair anyway)
Dont acknowledge is behaviour, don’t accept what should be his guilt as your own. Don’t confuse your justified pain at his betrayal as because of your previous mistake. See your husbands cowardice and ego. Hopefully he will focus on his flaws that caused him to betray you.
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