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Joss
johnbluedog69 wrote:
my wife did the damage in our relationship but she is trying to fix things with us I just may have made things harder for us by trying to verify that she is being truthful about her actions.I checked her call records to verify she hadn't been talking to her ap. but I misread the date she last spoke to him and accused her of lying to me still and she wasn't I hate myself now for making this mistake.


Johnbluedog69

I so understand you i keep making this mistake my self and dont know how to stop my self from questioning if he has stop talking to his ap just last night i asked him and and he said he has stoped talking to her. To what I replied swear on your kids lifes that you have stoped. He said yes i have stoped but you just dont belive me. And I don't know why (well i do becouse i keep checking on him on facebook and her on whatsapp every time he gets off of facebook she gets on line on whatsapp so it makes me think they still talk) i felt the stupid "need" to call him and remind him that he had swore on his kids life that he had stoped. To what he said why are you bringing this up again. I hate my self becouse i dont want this to keep ruling my life but i dont know how to stop checking on them and move on because i want my marriage to work. But i feel that because i keep bringing it up we are stuck here and cant move forward with our marriage. Please help! What can i do ?
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Anna26
Joss wrote:
johnbluedog69 wrote:
my wife did the damage in our relationship but she is trying to fix things with us I just may have made things harder for us by trying to verify that she is being truthful about her actions.I checked her call records to verify she hadn't been talking to her ap. but I misread the date she last spoke to him and accused her of lying to me still and she wasn't I hate myself now for making this mistake.
Johnbluedog69 I so understand you i keep making this mistake my self and dont know how to stop my self from questioning if he has stop talking to his ap just last night i asked him and and he said he has stoped talking to her. To what I replied swear on your kids lifes that you have stoped. He said yes i have stoped but you just dont belive me. And I don't know why (well i do becouse i keep checking on him on facebook and her on whatsapp every time he gets off of facebook she gets on line on whatsapp so it makes me think they still talk) i felt the stupid "need" to call him and remind him that he had swore on his kids life that he had stoped. To what he said why are you bringing this up again. I hate my self becouse i dont want this to keep ruling my life but i dont know how to stop checking on them and move on because i want my marriage to work. But i feel that because i keep bringing it up we are stuck here and cant move forward with our marriage. Please help! What can i do ?





I understand where both of you are coming from with this.  It's so easy to keep checking up on things because it seems like the only way that you can get some confirmation of the truth in order to try and trust a little.  But it's also a bit of a vicious circle in that, you check, find out they are telling the truth, and that eases all the angst for a while, but then as soon as the anxiety and worry come flooding back we are off again, being a regular Poirot or Miss Marple.  It's almost addictive and really solves nothing, almost having the opposite effect.  I was doing this all the time when my WS was at home, but I couldn't check much more than his phone anyway. And I'd nip down the road to where I knew his AP lived nearly every time he went out on his own, just to check the car wasn't down there! It was beginning to become an obsession  and that was when I made a conscious decision to stop doing it.  Now he's moved out I've found I'm not quite so stressed about what he's up to anyway.
I feel it will be far better if the WS tries to be accountable to the BS in whatever way is necessary until the BS feels comfortable enough with WS's day to day activities.  And I hope my husband is open to doing this!

John, I'm so sorry you made this mistake and I think all you can do is try and explain why and apologise and I'm sure you've already done this anyway, and Joss I think your husband needs to realise that until you are in a better place with being able to trust him, you WILL keep bringing it up, not necessarily because you want to but more because you NEED to.
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Kalmarjan
Why does your husband not block her. This would ease your mind. He is in no contact, right? Blocking her would not and should not mean anything to him.
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Joss
Kalmarjan wrote:
Why does your husband not block her. This would ease your mind. He is in no contact, right? Blocking her would not and should not mean anything to him.

Oh kalmarjan i really dont know,he should be on no contact.15 days ago he did admit that he contacted her and yesterday he said that that was the last time he had done it but that for some reason i don't belive him. WELL THE REASON i dont belive him is because he blocked ME from the app so that makes me even more suspicious. If i wouldn't see him on the app when she is on i would belive him. But since he blocked me that makes me that much more suspicious.
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Kalmarjan
Joss wrote:
Kalmarjan wrote:
Why does your husband not block her. This would ease your mind. He is in no contact, right? Blocking her would not and should not mean anything to him.

Oh kalmarjan i really dont know,he should be on no contact.15 days ago he did admit that he contacted her and yesterday he said that that was the last time he had done it but that for some reason i don't belive him. WELL THE REASON i dont belive him is because he blocked ME from the app so that makes me even more suspicious. If i wouldn't see him on the app when she is on i would belive him. But since he blocked me that makes me that much more suspicious.


Exactly. He should be making you feel comfortable and safe. He is doing anything but.no contact means that. No checking the Facebook page, whatsapp, whatever...
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Intuition77
Kalmarjan wrote:
Joss wrote:
Kalmarjan wrote:
Why does your husband not block her. This would ease your mind. He is in no contact, right? Blocking her would not and should not mean anything to him.

Oh kalmarjan i really dont know,he should be on no contact.15 days ago he did admit that he contacted her and yesterday he said that that was the last time he had done it but that for some reason i don't belive him. WELL THE REASON i dont belive him is because he blocked ME from the app so that makes me even more suspicious. If i wouldn't see him on the app when she is on i would belive him. But since he blocked me that makes me that much more suspicious.


Exactly. He should be making you feel comfortable and safe. He is doing anything but.no contact means that. No checking the Facebook page, whatsapp, whatever...



Yes. If your WS is not making it their mission to make you feel safe and secure, to show action towards their commitment and to show their own accountability because they WANT you to feel safe and they want to earn back the trust then all the checking up in the world is useless. Their still stuck. Their still selfish and they're not rebuilding the marriage. And to be brutally honest-they're not who you deserve and worthy of your effort.

Checking up on them is a waste of time. And trust me this comes from the queen of checking up because I know where it
Comes from. It comes from that scared damaged hurt place of I can't live through this again, I can't handle that pain again but it does become an obsession to save yourself from the pain but the focus is all wrong. I learned late, I hope someone else can learn quicker and save themselves the pain. I think what it's really about is trusting yourself not them. They've shown they don't deserve your trust. Until they've worked really hard to earn it back on their own accord-don't give it. Don't do the work for them. Trust yourself to do what's best FOR YOU-not trusting them and not letting yourself become obsessed with making them accountable. Focus in you being ok without them, not saying leave or divorce just work on you so you will be ok without them if it happens. Focus on your work. Focus on taking classes to forward your career. Go back to school. Focus on finding new friends or meeting old friends and building a support team. Go to therapy for you to deal with your pain and help yourself. Figure out what makes you happy and do it. And do it often and give it your all.

Think of it this way-when you we're ready to marry your spouse if they behaved this way-if they're idea of "marriage" was basically you just have to trust me
I don't have to earn it or treat you well or care About your feelings or needs for safety etc would you have married them? Odds are no. I don't care how long the marriage was or what you went through together before or what the situation, if your spouse doesn't care or show care for you your needs your feelings your BASIC needs of trust safety and feeling loved-you don't deserve that. You deserve better. If your WS is not caring about accountability or rebuilding trust or making you feel
Safe then you are not rebuilding a marriage. Not yet. You need to hold back and focus on you until that happens. My WS more then once said things like well your never gonna trust me anyway or eventually you'll just have to believe me etc and I was shocked at the amount
Of no personal responsibility or care for my feelings or our marriage yet I've seen multiple BS here say their wS said the exact same things. So it's apparently part of the selfish stuck up their own a$$ script.

I don't care why they say it. If their scared or they don't know how to fix it or they feel helpless or their still foggy whatever it is don't matter. They're not all in and working at a marriage and until they man or woman up and choose to help the BS and show care and concern for their needs and feelings hold back. Don't do the work for them. Because take it from me your not rebuilding anything. Your just being their doormat & hoping they'll get it and change eventually. You can spend months and years hoping and it can never come. If your really honest look
Back at your marriage and this may be a common theme. Did you try to talk
About the marriage,your needs etc and they kept saying they'd change or promising to put in more effort and never did the work or took action? Because they're comfy. You complain. You nag whatever and they don't change. They make empty promises or maybe even "try" a little. But nothing changes. And there you still are. There you are desperately doing all the work and trying so damn hard and making all the effort to save the marriage make it better and what are they doing? Same old. It's comfy for them. They know you'll just take it and keep trying. Wherever you are right now in your marriage ask yourself if 10 years go by (cause they go by quick) and nothing changes are you going to be happy?

In fact the more work you do for them and let them off the hook the less work and change they'll put in. And you CAN survive and thrive without them if they never come around. Focus on you without them. Make your life a new chapter and make it what you want it to be. You can't control them, their issues, their choices. You can control you. The more you chase by checking on them the more they'll pull away. The more work you do to fix their wrongs the less responsibility they have to take.

Our (BS) minds get twisted somehow after the massive avalanche of betrayal and so many of us get so desperate to save our marriage we lose track of the basic idea of marriage-you CHOOSE to be together and be faithful and show love and trust. If their not doing that-what are you trying to save? A piece of paper.

The WS stopped showing you respect probably before they chose to cheat. So many stories here are like mine and even after being caught they continue to disrespect us. Don't take it. Honor yourself. Respect yourself. You don't respect someone desperate to
Keep you under any circumstances who doesn't honor themselves and their own needs. Take back the power your
Giving them over you. You know what your needs are. Your needs your feelings your hurt your anger your safety it is all important. Don't let them gaslight you and convince you your own feelings and needs are silly or demanding or "too much" or unimportant. This is them protecting themselves from getting real with who they are what they've done and what they've caused. Protect yourself. If it's important to you-it's important. You don't need to check on them because unless their busting their butt to earn back your trust and rebuild your marriage (& show their own accountability) they're not what you deserve.

I recognized my obsession with "not allowing myself to be hurt & duped again" by checking on him and when
I finally recognized the fact that if the shoes we're switched id be jumping through every hoop to make him trust me and feel safe and if he wasn't doing that then a. He was still lying, deceiving, cheating and b. I didn't want him.

I didn't want him. I didn't want a husband who didn't make me
My feelings our marriage our family his utmost priority. And I felt like a fool all over again when I realized how awful a person he really had been and how I had been desperate for that! No way. People make mistakes. Yes. Real people work hard to learn from them and fix the damage they've caused. Selfish stuck people only worry about their own pain. And selfish stuck people can't be part of a truly honest loving marriage. They just can't.

I took every password and every ability I had to check on him and changed them to a long random string of numbers I wrote down to change them (because they all ask for it twice to change it) so id never remember and then I burnt the paper. I informed him what I did so he could change his passwords to something he wanted (he knew I had access before & "allowed" it but was not forthcoming about any info and tried to hide some things still)And I breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was like a ritual of letting go. And within a week I was focusing on me so much more. I went whole days without thinking about him, the affair etc. I just focused on my life. And my self esteem SOARED. Me on dday? Didn't know who I was, what I wanted in life, what I enjoyed-nothing outside the bubble of my marriage and life after 16 yrs together. Me now? I have dreams and goals that are all mine. I have plans and ideas and I'm
Proud of myself and who I am. Stop settling for less then you deserve. Stop giving someone power over your self and heart who as of now isn't showing you capability of keeping it safe. Just do you. You keep your self esteem and your heart safe. And do it well because it's your life and with or without your spouse it's worth living. I know it's hard. I was a SAHM for years and devoted to my family only. I was terrified and lost when dday happened. There's so much more out there. The pain is still there. But it's less. Every day it's less. The fears linger. But I see them Differently. I see them as a challenge now. And I know when I come out the other side of them I feel so much stronger. And when I'm really honest I'm HAPPIER then I was in years. Because I'm finding me. The me I lost and the me I let someone else have power over making her feel like she should settle. I deserved more and I'll make sure I get it.
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TimT
Intuition77 wrote:
...I took every password and every ability I had to check on him and changed them to a long random string of numbers I wrote down to change them (because they all ask for it twice to change it) so id never remember and then I burnt the paper. I informed him what I did so he could change his passwords to something he wanted (he knew I had access before & "allowed" it but was not forthcoming about any info and tried to hide some things still)And I breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was like a ritual of letting go. And within a week I was focusing on me so much more. I went whole days without thinking about him, the affair etc. I just focused on my life. And my self esteem SOARED...

Brilliant. Thank you for sharing that. I know that many BS require assurances of trustworthiness at the beginning of the recovery process, but if they are not careful or cannot maintain certain self-established boundaries, the "checking up on you" behavior can turn into an obsession that begins to destroy them. Backing out of it is hard, but what you did allowed you to close the door and lose the key. Thanx for sharing this.
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Joss
TimT wrote:
Intuition77 wrote:
...I took every password and every ability I had to check on him and changed them to a long random string of numbers I wrote down to change them (because they all ask for it twice to change it) so id never remember and then I burnt the paper. I informed him what I did so he could change his passwords to something he wanted (he knew I had access before & "allowed" it but was not forthcoming about any info and tried to hide some things still)And I breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was like a ritual of letting go. And within a week I was focusing on me so much more. I went whole days without thinking about him, the affair etc. I just focused on my life. And my self esteem SOARED...

Brilliant. Thank you for sharing that. I know that many BS require assurances of trustworthiness at the beginning of the recovery process, but if they are not careful or cannot maintain certain self-established boundaries, the "checking up on you" behavior can turn into an obsession that begins to destroy them. Backing out of it is hard, but what you did allowed you to close the door and lose the key. Thanx for sharing this.


Intuition77 and tim t

Im on this boat right now it has been 3 months since dday but he still doesn't show me signs that he wants to gain my trust and it has lead me to check on him none stop i know its wrong and im just hurting my self but i cant stop my self. Just yesterday he told me that we cant move forward because i keep bringing his ap up on every conversation we have. I feel dont have closure yet on whether he actually stopped talking to her. And this is why,he works as a clown on partys on the weeksends so this past Saturday he had a party to go to. Well it turns out that she put a picture if him dressed as a clown as her profile picture on her whatsapp. to what i confronted him about it and he said i dont know how she "got"my puctures i dont talk to her anymore. He did upload one of the pics to Facebook but the had one of a balloon flower that he didn't up load. So where did she get that pic?? He told me he send some pictures to his mom and sister on whatsapp. And to be completely hosnest the phone number i have,im not even sureit is hers. My sister in law gave ot to me but im not 100% sure its the ap number. This is driving me crazy! I want to belive my ws that he hasn't had contact with the ap especially since he swore on our kids,mine and his life that he hasn't talked to her. I dont know what to do. I send my mother in law the screen shot i took of he status and pi ture profile. I really dont even know why i did this because she is not much help either. And yesterday she updated her status to poor dramatic girl that complaines about everthing to any one so the can help her. To what i again confronted him about it because this are my two options on to what is happening. A. His mom told him that i send her the picture of her profile and he told her that i was"telling on him" or B. Its not her phone number and my sister in law is messing with me she doesn't like me very much. Or C. It is her number and my sister in law send her the picture and told her to post them. When i confronted him he just keeped saying i dont talk to her any more i don't even have her number on my phone any more but you just don't believe me. I dont know how to trust him again or how to tell if he is lying to me i am so confused. I dont want to make a mistake and not trust if he is telling the truth but at the same time i don't want to trust and him still talking to his ap. what can i do?
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johnbluedog69
thank you all very true so well said intuition77
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Kalmarjan
Joss wrote:
TimT wrote:
Intuition77 wrote:
...I took every password and every ability I had to check on him and changed them to a long random string of numbers I wrote down to change them (because they all ask for it twice to change it) so id never remember and then I burnt the paper. I informed him what I did so he could change his passwords to something he wanted (he knew I had access before & "allowed" it but was not forthcoming about any info and tried to hide some things still)And I breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was like a ritual of letting go. And within a week I was focusing on me so much more. I went whole days without thinking about him, the affair etc. I just focused on my life. And my self esteem SOARED...

Brilliant. Thank you for sharing that. I know that many BS require assurances of trustworthiness at the beginning of the recovery process, but if they are not careful or cannot maintain certain self-established boundaries, the "checking up on you" behavior can turn into an obsession that begins to destroy them. Backing out of it is hard, but what you did allowed you to close the door and lose the key. Thanx for sharing this.


Intuition77 and tim t

Im on this boat right now it has been 3 months since dday but he still doesn't show me signs that he wants to gain my trust and it has lead me to check on him none stop i know its wrong and im just hurting my self but i cant stop my self. Just yesterday he told me that we cant move forward because i keep bringing his ap up on every conversation we have. I feel dont have closure yet on whether he actually stopped talking to her. And this is why,he works as a clown on partys on the weeksends so this past Saturday he had a party to go to. Well it turns out that she put a picture if him dressed as a clown as her profile picture on her whatsapp. to what i confronted him about it and he said i dont know how she "got"my puctures i dont talk to her anymore. He did upload one of the pics to Facebook but the had one of a balloon flower that he didn't up load. So where did she get that pic?? He told me he send some pictures to his mom and sister on whatsapp. And to be completely hosnest the phone number i have,im not even sureit is hers. My sister in law gave ot to me but im not 100% sure its the ap number. This is driving me crazy! I want to belive my ws that he hasn't had contact with the ap especially since he swore on our kids,mine and his life that he hasn't talked to her. I dont know what to do. I send my mother in law the screen shot i took of he status and pi ture profile. I really dont even know why i did this because she is not much help either. And yesterday she updated her status to poor dramatic girl that complaines about everthing to any one so the can help her. To what i again confronted him about it because this are my two options on to what is happening. A. His mom told him that i send her the picture of her profile and he told her that i was"telling on him" or B. Its not her phone number and my sister in law is messing with me she doesn't like me very much. Or C. It is her number and my sister in law send her the picture and told her to post them. When i confronted him he just keeped saying i dont talk to her any more i don't even have her number on my phone any more but you just don't believe me. I dont know how to trust him again or how to tell if he is lying to me i am so confused. I dont want to make a mistake and not trust if he is telling the truth but at the same time i don't want to trust and him still talking to his ap. what can i do?


This is tough. You don't know who to believe, or even yourself.

If it turns out he is contacting her and lying about it, then you are being "gaslighted."

I don't know if turning to your MIL will help the situation. She should, as an adult, step out of this situation and tell her son (and you) to talk it out.

You don't feel comfortable right now because you are focusing on him. You are giving him the power in this situation. In the end, you should have the power to control what you do.

I don't know what you should do. I do get the sense that your husband is trying to sweep everything under the rug.

Bottom line, he has no contact right? Why would she have access to his photo. Why does he need to have access to her at all. He is saying he "hasn't talked to her."

That's not what you are asking for. You are asking for NO CONTACT.

So, maybe he's playing a cute game. Maybe not. But, to continue in this marriage you have asked him for NO CONTACT. if he wants to continue, then he has to respect that.

The right thing to do on his part is to grow up, and BLOCK HER.

Edit: just asked my wife. (BS) and she agrees with me. He isn't doing what he promised and so the writing should be on the wall. He has a decision to make, and it's whether he will keep his promise to you or not.
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Intuition77
Joss wrote:
TimT wrote:
Intuition77 wrote:
...I took every password and every ability I had to check on him and changed them to a long random string of numbers I wrote down to change them (because they all ask for it twice to change it) so id never remember and then I burnt the paper. I informed him what I did so he could change his passwords to something he wanted (he knew I had access before & "allowed" it but was not forthcoming about any info and tried to hide some things still)And I breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was like a ritual of letting go. And within a week I was focusing on me so much more. I went whole days without thinking about him, the affair etc. I just focused on my life. And my self esteem SOARED...

Brilliant. Thank you for sharing that. I know that many BS require assurances of trustworthiness at the beginning of the recovery process, but if they are not careful or cannot maintain certain self-established boundaries, the "checking up on you" behavior can turn into an obsession that begins to destroy them. Backing out of it is hard, but what you did allowed you to close the door and lose the key. Thanx for sharing this.


Intuition77 and tim t

Im on this boat right now it has been 3 months since dday but he still doesn't show me signs that he wants to gain my trust and it has lead me to check on him none stop i know its wrong and im just hurting my self but i cant stop my self. Just yesterday he told me that we cant move forward because i keep bringing his ap up on every conversation we have. I feel dont have closure yet on whether he actually stopped talking to her. And this is why,he works as a clown on partys on the weeksends so this past Saturday he had a party to go to. Well it turns out that she put a picture if him dressed as a clown as her profile picture on her whatsapp. to what i confronted him about it and he said i dont know how she "got"my puctures i dont talk to her anymore. He did upload one of the pics to Facebook but the had one of a balloon flower that he didn't up load. So where did she get that pic?? He told me he send some pictures to his mom and sister on whatsapp. And to be completely hosnest the phone number i have,im not even sureit is hers. My sister in law gave ot to me but im not 100% sure its the ap number. This is driving me crazy! I want to belive my ws that he hasn't had contact with the ap especially since he swore on our kids,mine and his life that he hasn't talked to her. I dont know what to do. I send my mother in law the screen shot i took of he status and pi ture profile. I really dont even know why i did this because she is not much help either. And yesterday she updated her status to poor dramatic girl that complaines about everthing to any one so the can help her. To what i again confronted him about it because this are my two options on to what is happening. A. His mom told him that i send her the picture of her profile and he told her that i was"telling on him" or B. Its not her phone number and my sister in law is messing with me she doesn't like me very much. Or C. It is her number and my sister in law send her the picture and told her to post them. When i confronted him he just keeped saying i dont talk to her any more i don't even have her number on my phone any more but you just don't believe me. I dont know how to trust him again or how to tell if he is lying to me i am so confused. I dont want to make a mistake and not trust if he is telling the truth but at the same time i don't want to trust and him still talking to his ap. what can i do?



Honey you can't do anything about him them her or any of their choices. Only you. Sounds to me like he still talks to her and like his family may also. I mean this in a supportive way of someone who did the obsession, but I'm his WIFE! Etc route-stop. Just stop. I know it's hard and I don't know the details of your story well but stop giving them all power over you. Find your own friends to confide in and express your anxieties and fears and hurt to-friends who can support you and keep it to themselves. Find a good therapist to help you deal with all this. Stop expecting him his family etc to do what's best for you-right now they've shown they can't or won't so you do what's best for you.

My own personal
Opinion is if the WS isn't making it a priority to make you feel safe their either still cheating or their stuck in selfishness and only worried about not wanting to talk
About it because of their own shame-either way he's not helping you heal. YOU are the prize here. YOU are worthy and wonderful and deserving of respect and happiness. He's not doing it. Not now anyway. Focus on you and finding your own happiness with or without him if he chooses to join you. I wrote another post somewhere about obsessing over the ap and comparisons etc. I'll try to find it. His AP is feeding off your reactions-stop feeding the trolls. And she's using them
Most likely to exploit the space between you and he. I'm going to be blunt here and I apologize but do you feel respected or treated well if he's running back all your pain and hurt to her and letting her in on it and then they can pick it apart and call it desperation and she can help use it to paint you as the enemy and use it as excuses for why he should leave the marriage? Because majority of the time that's what they're doing. They may not be doing it with intent of let's hurt my wife but him and her have a common theme here-they both have interest in validating what they did and avoiding facing responsibility. So they can love with what they did. That binds them in a way to see things the same way. He has to choose to step away from the excuses and justifications and face his own wrongs full on and it's hard. Mine couldn't. Even after they split up he stayed stuck in the excuses and avoidance. That hurts I know. Happened to me. I blindly foolishly maybe never imagined he would take our personal talks after dday and tell her. Guess what he did. And I felt a fool. But I used that pain to help hold myself back (I slipped up some-a few times majorly) but to pull myself back from giving him a heart he wasn't protecting. Don't play the game
Of her vs you. Your better. Just refuse to play along.

Maybe he's not talking to her. But he's still not giving you the empathy you need to express your hurt safely. Show respect for yourself. That way only two things can happen-either you keep your self respect and grow stronger and he joins you willingly and being the man you deserve and need or you keep your self respect and grow stronger and move on without him. But either way you grow stronger. If he's still talking to her it creates a him and her against you scenario and it's painful. You can't control him or her but you can control you so remove yourself from the triangle by refusing to participate in it. Do not engage with her. Do not give her ammo. And a personal opinion -from
What you've said I wouldn't trust his family. He most likely has sold his own story to them and as his family it's in their interest to believe him. Just pull back. If you feel unsafe then express to him you do and set up some boundaries. Express you want the marriage if he's willing to do the work and make you feel safe but don't be obsessed with the outcome. You will be ok. Better then ok even if he chooses not to change. Seriously a good therapist for you will help you so much during this. With expressing the pain boundaries etc.
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Intuition77
TimT wrote:
Intuition77 wrote:
...I took every password and every ability I had to check on him and changed them to a long random string of numbers I wrote down to change them (because they all ask for it twice to change it) so id never remember and then I burnt the paper. I informed him what I did so he could change his passwords to something he wanted (he knew I had access before & "allowed" it but was not forthcoming about any info and tried to hide some things still)And I breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was like a ritual of letting go. And within a week I was focusing on me so much more. I went whole days without thinking about him, the affair etc. I just focused on my life. And my self esteem SOARED...

Brilliant. Thank you for sharing that. I know that many BS require assurances of trustworthiness at the beginning of the recovery process, but if they are not careful or cannot maintain certain self-established boundaries, the "checking up on you" behavior can turn into an obsession that begins to destroy them. Backing out of it is hard, but what you did allowed you to close the door and lose the key. Thanx for sharing this.



It IS hard. It's almost feels like a safety mechanism but I finally realized my marriage before never required this safety mechanism he was just honest and forthcoming. And that any marriage I was a part of honesty and openness was going to offered freely. This is I think the biggest point. If you ARE at a place where your spouse is earning back trust and rebuilding then YOU the BS doesn't need to do these things-because the WS is creating the safety with openness and honesty. If their not doing that then your not there so the checking up is worthless anyway. I'm not saying any marriage should be just blind faith. You have to learn to trust your gut again. If it feels wrong it probably is. For an example my WS was saying things like "can't see the kids today I have some stuff to do and places to go". As far as I knew (by checking at that time) he was NOT seeing the ap but bigger to me was never before affair did our marriage have this secret style or independence from the marriage. Normal behavior was and should be in a marriage just free openness, going to the store etc. I know I've never felt the need to hide or be evasive about my goings on. The fact that he was acting so secret even when ap wasn't involved was to me a huge sign that he was not committed with the marriage or making me feel safe. That was all I needed to know. If your WS is committed to the marriage then they'll show it in action. It may not even always be the ap. It may be uncertainty or a justification for their wrongs (I don't lie except she always wants to know what I'm
Doing etc-blatant justifying since marriage IS sharing a life) but until they get to where they need to be on their own wanting to show committeeman and safety-the checking up is only keeping you powerless under them. Think
Of it this way what does the checking up do to you physically and emotionally? More then likely you feel
Anxious, nervous, panicking. If they are where they say they are you feel relief. For a short time. If they're not anger and hurt and much more. Your giving them that control over how you feel. Your basically handing them the ability to make or break your days to send you into despair or to make it through another day. Take it back. You control your life and your days. Because the power imbalance in my opinion makes them
More likely to pull away from the marriage.
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