foreverashamed Show full post »
Negarcia
foreverashamed wrote:
I want to phone counseling with the Affair Recovery but he doesn't want me to spend money on anything and I am caught between helping  myself and him. 


I sent you a PM on somethings that have helped me as the BS that are free. Also look for IC through your medical insurance as it is covered.  
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foreverashamed
Keepabuzz wrote:
Foreverashamed,

“How do I respond when he calls me a whore, POS, and so on? I have been saying I was I was a horrible person and made a horrible selfish choice but I am not that person now. Is that defensive? I know he won't believe it maybe ever but I pray he can see the good we have had for so many years.”

When he calls you names, I would say take it. Like I said, you don’t have to say “yes, you’re right I am a whore. I am a POS, etc.”, but just take it. Let him scream at you, let him call you whatever he wants. I’m sure that isn’t easy to do, but it is what you should do. Saying you were a horrible person, is not defensive IMO, but saying you made a horrible selfish choice, he is most likely seeing that as you minimizing what you have done. You didn’t make “a” horrible choice, you made thousands of them. You then made a horrible choice EVERYDAY for 12+ years to continue to deceive him. That is 4,380 choices to deceive him for those 12 years....

You have just destroyed his world, in literally every possible way.  He is very deep in rage, pain, and shock, with plenty of confusion stirred in.  He likely feels completely out of control of anything. It’s a scary place to be. I would hold off on trying to get him to see/acknowledge any of the good over the past 12+ years. There will be a time when that will be helpful, now is not that time.

Fully own what you did
Do not make ANY justification (because there are none)
HUMBLE HUMBLE HUMBLE
If you’re unsure what to say, then just apologize again, or say nothing
Let him vent, he’s going to need to vent, and vent a lot. Have family or friends take the kids for a couple of days. It’s extremely hard when your wife tells you to be quiet, so the kids don’t hear after what you just confessed. I know from experience.  It just sent me deeper into the rage. 
Like I said earlier, it’s likely to get worse before it gets better, and it’s going to get better painfully slow. 
He will be all over the map emotionally. Don’t be surprised if he is screaming one minute,  and crying the next.  It’s extremely hard to go through.


Are you saying that you come across as a victim to your husband?  How so?  I’m sure you can get some helpful advice here if we had a little better picture of what that looks like.

He doesn't want to tell anyone. So not sure how to get the kids to a safe place.  I have told no one but him.  People can tell something is wrong but I have not told anyone.

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Keepabuzz
You don’t need to tell anyone anything. Don’t tell anyone with his expressed approval, that would be another betrayal. Just have your Mom take the grandkids for the weekend. You can also get a babysitter for a few hours and go somewhere else to talk, or let him vent. I promise you, the last thing you want is for him to keep it all in. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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foreverashamed
His mom & dad live next door and if we ask them they will know something is wrong and he does not want them to know.  He fears for their pain.  Oh God the pain this causes.  I can not believe I was so awful. Do I ask if he wants the kids to go somewhere?  He is venting and going through all the horrible pain and asking questions now.  I will be more humble.  Texting also. 
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Keepabuzz
foreverashamed wrote:
His mom & dad live next door and if we ask them they will know something is wrong and he does not want them to know.  He fears for their pain.  Oh God the pain this causes.  I can not believe I was so awful. Do I ask if he wants the kids to go somewhere?  He is venting and going through all the horrible pain and asking questions now.  I will be more humble.  Texting also. 


I would ask him if he wants the kids to go somewhere. If not, go for a walk something to enable him to not feel controlled. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Laurajean83
foreverashamed wrote:
Also tips to not act like a victim....changing my depression, anxiety, shame from me being the victim (which is absurd and disgusting because he is the victim) but getting wrapped up in all of that because I see him suffering and it makes me physically sick and all of the above come flooding.  I have sought online counseling through email.  I want to phone counseling with the Affair Recovery but he doesn't want me to spend money on anything and I am caught between helping  myself and him. 


For the time, love and attention needs to be paid to your husband and his emotional needs, but this doesn't mean you won't feel overwhelming emotions of depression sadness and shame.  Acknowledging these is not the same as being or acting like a victim.  In fact it will be important for your husband to see your heart broken because of what you have done.  

It is so early to broach the issue of cost of counselling, so if he seems against it now, he will change his mind likely if he is going to want to work to rebuild.  In the meantime I would read a few books, starting with "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald.  And maybe some other resources listed on the Affair healing site.  

Remember these choices you made will have long lasting consequences and will be with you forever, but they don't need to define you.  So when your husband calls you names just be patient and say nothing, or hold him, or say sorry for what you have done.  He will have a hard time telling the difference between who you are and what you did.  Especially seeing how long the deception was.  For me, even though I had prepared to tell my husband, I was completely unaware of the very very very deep emotional pain that would be caused.  

Now is your time to figure out who you are, what lead you here and who you want to be in the future.  

You did a brave thing telling after all this time.  Now you need to spend the next forever showing, saying and proving your love and earning trust.  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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Trinity
Keepabuzz wrote:


I would ask him if he wants the kids to go somewhere. If not, go for a walk something to enable him to not feel controlled. 

I agree.  I do not have children so this was not an issue for us but I can tell you.... when I was handed that huge bag of WTF... I screamed, called him every horrid name I could thing of, cursed, and screamed some more.  I live on a lot of acreage and I am pretty sure that my neighbors heard me a mile away.  There was no way that I could keep such utter rage and complete disappointment inside.  I can say this.... ever hear of the saying "I saw red"???  I never knew what that meant, I DO NOW !!  I wish I didn't but I surely do.

Please try and make some alone time for you both.  He needs to get everything out.  I do know that it will take him weeks maybe even months to get it all out.  When he gets vocal, remember he is processing in a day what you had 12 years to, so just be kind.  Also, even though I was enraged with my husband (thats putting it mildly) I tried my best to tell him that I do love him, and that what he did was NOT OK, but now I have to heal... he could help me in that process or not, his choice but HEAL I WILL !!  

Your husband will go through every emotion known to mankind AND, I tell you this, it IS A STRUGGLE to keep your sanity, it is a very real and hard struggle and what sucks even more: You have no clue if you will make it through, or if the pain will ever end.  I am saddened for the both of you because I know how difficult this is.  I can tell you what I ask of my husband.... I ask he to be kind, and to try and understand that I will have good days and bad days, that I will have excellent days and days when I want to hide from the world and everything in between.  That does not mean that I think that he is a horrible person, EVEN IF I say it.  I get sad and confused and frustrated and he needs to just be patient and kind and loving.  I tell him I WILL get through this but don't make it any harder for me by not being there.  

You need to be there for him and honestly, this should be harder on you then it is for him - and you know why.  Try to be full of patience and grace and be kind.  It will go a long way.

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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anthropoidape
You can't do post-tornado clean-up until the tornado's over. So for now you just have to sit tight until the rage begins to dissipate.

I feel for him, what he is going through is terrible.  At thus stage, for me, there were times when I was as close as I can get to suicide. It is simply too much. With time it gets a bit smaller and begins to be something you can deal with but that could be weeks away and even then it's just the start.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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