Phoenix Show full post »
Phoenix
Keepabuzz wrote:


I can tell you that I’m also so tired of being angry and sad.  I don’t live in a state of anger anymore. But it can still be triggered, although I have much more control over than I used to. It’s hard to explain, but I will try. I’m no longer angry at the wife I have now. But I still have anger with who she was. I have anger that I have to deal with triggers, and anxiety, and depression, and sadness, and I deserved none of it. I still have anger that my general state of mind is not a great one, it’s more of a going through the motions. I do think it would be easier to put this all behind me if I left and started new. But that has it’s own risks and consequences as well.

 Maybe being friends is all he can handle, and honestly that’s pretty good after what he has gone through. Maybe his heart will soften. One thing that always made me pull away from my wife was pressure. If I felt even the slightest bit of pressure from her, I would pull away. For example if she really wanted to have sex with me, the more it would repulse me. If she even seemed like she thought I should be better than I was, it would drive my heart away from her. Maybe you do as he wishes and just be his friend, and stop trying to save a marriage he sees as dead and gone. When that pressure is gone his heart may soften.  
 
Would you prefer your continued being the person she was before? My husband said to me he could deal with everything that I did to him before as long as there was no infidelity but because of it coming out he realized how unhappy he was. 
I don’t pressure at all. I go with the flow. What ever his heart desires including sex. I am at his disposition. Sounds sad. But that’s how it is. I am his puppet right now. What he wants, needs, asks. What I don’t have is any initiative to do anything on my own for him or me. I’m just waiting for him to snap his fingers. 
That is also part of his disappointment. That he has to tell me what he wants and needs. He expects me to know, but when I do something out of initiative he will always ask “is this to make you feel better or me? Because it’s not making me feel better, it makes me feel worse because I start asking why now?”
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Keepabuzz
Phoenix wrote:
 
Would you prefer your continued being the person she was before? My husband said to me he could deal with everything that I did to him before as long as there was no infidelity but because of it coming out he realized how unhappy he was. 
I don’t pressure at all. I go with the flow. What ever his heart desires including sex. I am at his disposition. Sounds sad. But that’s how it is. I am his puppet right now. What he wants, needs, asks. What I don’t have is any initiative to do anything on my own for him or me. I’m just waiting for him to snap his fingers. 
That is also part of his disappointment. That he has to tell me what he wants and needs. He expects me to know, but when I do something out of initiative he will always ask “is this to make you feel better or me? Because it’s not making me feel better, it makes me feel worse because I start asking why now?”


No I certainly don’t wish she was the person she was before. Well not the person she was for the majority of our marriage. I want her to be who she was when I married her, and she is now. I think, I hope she has conquered her demons. I feel similar to your husband, I could get past everything else she did to me, and I have. I’m really past it, I haven’t forgotten it, but I have forgiven it, and she most of it as a rough patch in our marriage. It was a long one though. She isn’t treat me well for a long time. She wasn’t a good wife or mother for a long time. But she didn’t lie to me, she didn’t gaslight me, she didn’t betray me. Those are far worse than any of the other stuff. I don’t know if I will ever really get past it.  But she is an excellent wife and mother now. She treats me very well, but not in a subservient way because of what she did. In an equal partner, loving way. She seems genuinely happy, until I have am triggered, or have dark days. Then I see the shame and the sadness. I still have big walls up that she hasn’t gotten past and I haven’t taken down, but I wish I could. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Keepabuzz
I would say the short answer is if she had not betrayed, lied, and gaslighted me, and still done all the other stuff, I think I would be extremely happy now. If she had gotten the help she needed, and fixed herself, without her affair and the abuse tied to it, I would be over the moon. But that is not how our story goes....
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Phoenix
Keepabuzz wrote:
I would say the short answer is if she had not betrayed, lied, and gaslighted me, and still done all the other stuff, I think I would be extremely happy now. If she had gotten the help she needed, and fixed herself, without her affair and the abuse tied to it, I would be over the moon. But that is not how our story goes....

what if with out this she would have never gotten the help she needed. You would still be living with the glass half empty. Always wondering what did I do to deserve such bad treatment. At least now you have some answers and a better wife. Yes a huge, deep scar that you pick at the scab still sometimes but it’s healing.
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ThrivenotSurvive
Keepabuzz wrote:
I would say the short answer is if she had not betrayed, lied, and gaslighted me, and still done all the other stuff, I think I would be extremely happy now. If she had gotten the help she needed, and fixed herself, without her affair and the abuse tied to it, I would be over the moon. But that is not how our story goes....


This is a common thread between many of us that have reconciled.  If my husband could have become the man, the husband and father he is today WITHOUT this being the conduit - I would have also been over the moon.  I begged him for years to read books about communication with me, asked him to seek counseling after he struggled with a substance abuse problem earlier in our marriage (which he conquered on his own but never dug into WHY) but he always refused.  

It wasn't until he hit rock bottom and had to face losing me - and both mine and our daughter's respect before he took action to change.  

I've never understood why so many people seem to need to hit rock bottom before they will make clearly necessary changes.  And yet - it is common. 

And even as I say that, I realize that I had my own blind spots for decades.   My husband, daughter and entire family begged me to stop working 80+ hours a week.  They told me how they worried about me and how it hurt them that I didn't make them (or my health) a priority - but it took my doctor scaring the crap out of me after a terrible physical before i started making any significant changes. 

So, I guess I had to hit my own rock bottom as well.  And it hurt plenty of people... just not as painfully and personally as infidelity does.  But if I'd had the stroke my physician told me I was quickly bringing on and my husband had had to take care of me... it could have been.  And he would have had every right to be as angry with me for being willfully blind to the obvious potential results of my actions as I have been with his infidelity. 

Sometimes when I wonder why I have been able to forgive him as much as I have, i think it is because I realize how many close calls I have had along the way where I would have been the BAD GUY of my marriage.  But maybe not.  I am really not sure.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Keepabuzz
Phoenix wrote:

what if with out this she would have never gotten the help she needed. You would still be living with the glass half empty. Always wondering what did I do to deserve such bad treatment. At least now you have some answers and a better wife. Yes a huge, deep scar that you pick at the scab still sometimes but it’s healing.


I don’t see it that way. I always knew I didn’t deserve how she treated me. I was very a very confident, self assured guy, I had never had even a hint of mental health issues. I was outgoing and social. I had already decided that when my youngest child turned 18, I was going to divorce her if she hadn’t changed. I was willing to stay in a marriage that wasn’t very good for my kids. I didn’t want them to grow up in a broken home as I did. I wasn’t happy in my marriage but I was still an overall happy person. 

Since she betrayed me, and lied to my face thousands of times, gaslighted me to the point that literally thought I was losing my grip on reality. I am no longer a confident, self assured guy. I have anxiety attacks. I am not comfortable around crowds, so mostly stay at home if Im not working. I was deeply depressed for a very long time, and still slip back there at times. I suffered from PTSD and still do at times. I have to carry anxiety meds with me at all times. 

I am healing, I have healed quite a bit in these 4 years, but I don’t think I will ever be the same again. This level and type of pain changes you. You just don’t see the world the same way anymore. Instead of the world being a bright place with dark patches, the world is a dark place with bright patches. 

I am thankful for the wife have today, but it wasn’t worth the price I had to pay for it......  Kind of like selling your soul to the devil to be rich, it’s cool to be rich, but your soul is damned. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Keepabuzz
Phoenix,
I have no idea where you live, but I travel for business all over the US, and would be happy to meet your BS for a beer or 2 if I was close enough. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who has walked the same path. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ThrivenotSurvive
What a kind offer, Keep!
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Phoenix
Keepabuzz wrote:
Phoenix,
I have no idea where you live, but I travel for business all over the US, and would be happy to meet your BS for a beer or 2 if I was close enough. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who has walked the same path. 
Keepabuzz wrote:
Phoenix,
I have no idea where you live, but I travel for business all over the US, and would be happy to meet your BS for a beer or 2 if I was close enough. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who has walked the same path. 

yes, that is very kind of you. We are in California. Probably the capital of the world for infidelity with no good therapist that has any experience in it. Believe me it has crossed my mind a few times. You have offered in the past to speak to him on the phone. I don’t think he would go for it. He doesn’t want anyone to know and it makes him so angry that I talk about it even here. He hates that I mention him. He tells me to talk about me and all the damage, lies, dishonesty I have done. But to leave him out of it. Thank you Keep. 
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triplehooks
Phoenix, I haven’t been able to go back over the whole history for you.  It seems like an old account of your was deleted so it only looks like you have 28 posts, but I feel like you’ve been posting here for a long time. 

In any case it sounds like you are hoping for something to positive to happen, but your spouse seems resolved to terminate your marriage when your child turns 18, and has reiterated this on a number of occasions, is this correct?  

If that is the case then what if you were to accept that maybe that your marriage has ended and start discussing THE most favorable way to wrap it up for him?   Reconciliation is ALWAYS possible (although it’s terribly fraught, and seems mostly to suck for most people, it is always POSSIBLE).  It also may be the case for some that they need the process of divorce to clear the deck and wipe the slate clean.  The silver lining of divorce for a WS is that it is a dramatic opportunity to show how kind and deferential you can be, and how you can show up and take responsibility.  The act of divorcing your BS, and offering generous terms can be an ultimate display of the person you have become.  If you can show your detachment to the outcome, willingness to give your BS ANYTHING, EVEN divorce If it’s what they want, and to do so with absolute kindness and concern for only their well being, it may plant a seed that can grow into something after you divorce.  

I thought through what it would take for me to stay in THIS marriage w my WW and the list was LONG.  I never got to present it to her because as I was contemplating it, I received YET ANOTHER confirmation of her inability to respect me and COMPLETELY sever ties w her idiot homewrecker (although they weren’t involved like before, just communicating...for what?  I’ll never know, as she is currently desperate to save our beautiful family but it’s just too far gone for me at this point with THAT kind of clueless disrespect).

Food for thought though for you to consider or throw out if it’s not applicable for you.  I needed my wife to own, fully and without equivocation that there were two people responsible for what went down: her and her idiot, and that I had NOTHING to do with it (she was a HUGE blameshifter).   Further, I needed her to state that her feelings of entitlement to do what she did were TOTALLY WRONG, and actually INVALID, to recognize that some feelings actually aren’t valid, that she actually had in her case ZERO reasons to resent me considering the sacrifices I had made to support HER vision of what she wanted our family to be, the extent to which I had been a loving, supportive husband, active father/equal parenting partner and TOTAL and ABSOLUTE provider (it was her choice to be a SAHM, I didn’t push her to do that nor did I push her to work, she had ABSOLUTE freedom to choose), and beyond that the extent to which I had even pushed away my own FOO in order to facilitate her desire to be active and close with her FOO.  

I needed her to first take action I could monitor to FINALLY ACTUALLY sever ties — properly — with her imbecile, and then to REPUDIATE him, and then to sue him in a court of law for negligently exposing her to an incurable STD.   This I needed for multiple reasons but for the most part I needed her to recognize I needed to SEE her burn that bridge with him, in a way that would cut him deeply.  It wasn’t enough for me for that to just go quietly into the night — no, I needed her to basically flog him.  It may be important to know that this motherf@cker (her idiot) pretended to be a friend.  His family got close to ours, our kids became best friends via school which was the catalyst for knowing them to begin with.  So he was “in” my life in a way that in retrospect was deeply intrusive and psychopathically deceptive, and I needed to see her take an action to light him on fire.  

I would have needed her to sign a post-nup which would have allowed me to proceed with work on reconciliation on a risk free basis for me.  The system where I live would allow me to divorce her with no spousal support on grounds of adultery, but if I were to reconcile with her first AND then we divorced later, well I would be on the hook for alimony.   Not interested in that...  She should not have bit the hand that fed her... I was happy to support my faithful wife but after exposing herself and therefore me to herpes — sorry but F@CK that.  “Not paying for your spa treatments and laser hair removal any more — ok?”  Beyond that, conceptually, I wanted to have a way to convey to her that ANY asset split we could arrive at, would not compensate me for the opportunity cost I incurred marrying her vs someone who would have been faithful, that if we were to truly capture fairness here, she would be compensating me a certain amount for every year she “stole” from me, from my life, by invalidating a 25 year investment I had faithfully made, in her.  

She would have had to  commit to a hard pivot toward repairing atrophied relationships with my side of the family, and away from hers.  

She would have had to commit to to relocate from the area we are in.  

She would have had to commit to cutting out a friendship she cherishes with someone I believe enabled her entitlement thinking (another cheater who is just too blasee about cheating, and encouraged her or at least did not attempt to dissuade her, IMO)....

...and a whole bunch of other things.  

So, not sure how much of that is useful to you.  Not sure how many gestures like that you’ve already offered, or actions like those you’ve taken.  

Have you written a letter to your old AP to tell him what a piece of sh!t he was to allow you to do that with him?  That accepting him into your life and giving yourself to him was the stupidest thing you ever did in your life? And that his involvement with you destroyed the most precious thing in your life?  And that if you could chose between living the life you two handed yourself as it is now or having him assassinated back then you would choose assassinate?  That you despise him for seducing you or allowing you to seduce him, and that you despise yourself for the choice to be involved?  I’m not saying you need to send this letter, not saying you DON’T either, but writing it may be cathartic, sharing it with your husband may be as well....

Have you written a letter to yourself —then —from the current version of you — like a message from the future you could send back in time — to tell yourself all the bone-headed things that you are thinking (then) are COMPLETELY wrong, and to explain to yourself the cost of that wrong-headed thinking?

Have you offered your husband to be extremely generous with him in the divorce?  Conversely have you drafted up a post-nup agreement showing that you are willing to take ALL the risk?

Have you uncovered every aspect of your dynamic where you had an asymmetric advantage, or where you were lacking reciprocity and designed a blue print you are prepared to execute to restore balance?  

Have you considered any friendships you had that may have been “enabling”?  Have you already severed them or are you prepared to, and have you communicated that?

I offer all this not to attack you Phoenix, really.  

Apologies in advance if this is coming across any way other than a brainstorm to help.  I am — as they say — a bitter scorned spouse, sooo there’s that.  
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Phoenix
triplehooks wrote:
Phoenix, I haven’t been able to go back over the whole history for you.  It seems like an old account of your was deleted so it only looks like you have 28 posts, but I feel like you’ve been posting here for a long time. 

In any case it sounds like you are hoping for something to positive to happen, but your spouse seems resolved to terminate your marriage when your child turns 18, and has reiterated this on a number of occasions, is this correct?  

If that is the case then what if you were to accept that maybe that your marriage has ended and start discussing THE most favorable way to wrap it up for him?   Reconciliation is ALWAYS possible (although it’s terribly fraught, and seems mostly to suck for most people, it is always POSSIBLE).  It also may be the case for some that they need the process of divorce to clear the deck and wipe the slate clean.  The silver lining of divorce for a WS is that it is a dramatic opportunity to show how kind and deferential you can be, and how you can show up and take responsibility.  The act of divorcing your BS, and offering generous terms can be an ultimate display of the person you have become.  If you can show your detachment to the outcome, willingness to give your BS ANYTHING, EVEN divorce If it’s what they want, and to do so with absolute kindness and concern for only their well being, it may plant a seed that can grow into something after you divorce.  

I thought through what it would take for me to stay in THIS marriage w my WW and the list was LONG.  I never got to present it to her because as I was contemplating it, I received YET ANOTHER confirmation of her inability to respect me and COMPLETELY sever ties w her idiot homewrecker (although they weren’t involved like before, just communicating...for what?  I’ll never know, as she is currently desperate to save our beautiful family but it’s just too far gone for me at this point with THAT kind of clueless disrespect).

Food for thought though for you to consider or throw out if it’s not applicable for you.  I needed my wife to own, fully and without equivocation that there were two people responsible for what went down: her and her idiot, and that I had NOTHING to do with it (she was a HUGE blameshifter).   Further, I needed her to state that her feelings of entitlement to do what she did were TOTALLY WRONG, and actually INVALID, to recognize that some feelings actually aren’t valid, that she actually had in her case ZERO reasons to resent me considering the sacrifices I had made to support HER vision of what she wanted our family to be, the extent to which I had been a loving, supportive husband, active father/equal parenting partner and TOTAL and ABSOLUTE provider (it was her choice to be a SAHM, I didn’t push her to do that nor did I push her to work, she had ABSOLUTE freedom to choose), and beyond that the extent to which I had even pushed away my own FOO in order to facilitate her desire to be active and close with her FOO.  

I needed her to first take action I could monitor to FINALLY ACTUALLY sever ties — properly — with her imbecile, and then to REPUDIATE him, and then to sue him in a court of law for negligently exposing her to an incurable STD.   This I needed for multiple reasons but for the most part I needed her to recognize I needed to SEE her burn that bridge with him, in a way that would cut him deeply.  It wasn’t enough for me for that to just go quietly into the night — no, I needed her to basically flog him.  It may be important to know that this motherf@cker (her idiot) pretended to be a friend.  His family got close to ours, our kids became best friends via school which was the catalyst for knowing them to begin with.  So he was “in” my life in a way that in retrospect was deeply intrusive and psychopathically deceptive, and I needed to see her take an action to light him on fire.  

I would have needed her to sign a post-nup which would have allowed me to proceed with work on reconciliation on a risk free basis for me.  The system where I live would allow me to divorce her with no spousal support on grounds of adultery, but if I were to reconcile with her first AND then we divorced later, well I would be on the hook for alimony.   Not interested in that...  She should not have bit the hand that fed her... I was happy to support my faithful wife but after exposing herself and therefore me to herpes — sorry but F@CK that.  “Not paying for your spa treatments and laser hair removal any more — ok?”  Beyond that, conceptually, I wanted to have a way to convey to her that ANY asset split we could arrive at, would not compensate me for the opportunity cost I incurred marrying her vs someone who would have been faithful, that if we were to truly capture fairness here, she would be compensating me a certain amount for every year she “stole” from me, from my life, by invalidating a 25 year investment I had faithfully made, in her.  

She would have had to  commit to a hard pivot toward repairing atrophied relationships with my side of the family, and away from hers.  

She would have had to commit to to relocate from the area we are in.  

She would have had to commit to cutting out a friendship she cherishes with someone I believe enabled her entitlement thinking (another cheater who is just too blasee about cheating, and encouraged her or at least did not attempt to dissuade her, IMO)....

...and a whole bunch of other things.  

So, not sure how much of that is useful to you.  Not sure how many gestures like that you’ve already offered, or actions like those you’ve taken.  

Have you written a letter to your old AP to tell him what a piece of sh!t he was to allow you to do that with him?  That accepting him into your life and giving yourself to him was the stupidest thing you ever did in your life? And that his involvement with you destroyed the most precious thing in your life?  And that if you could chose between living the life you two handed yourself as it is now or having him assassinated back then you would choose assassinate?  That you despise him for seducing you or allowing you to seduce him, and that you despise yourself for the choice to be involved?  I’m not saying you need to send this letter, not saying you DON’T either, but writing it may be cathartic, sharing it with your husband may be as well....

Have you written a letter to yourself —then —from the current version of you — like a message from the future you could send back in time — to tell yourself all the bone-headed things that you are thinking (then) are COMPLETELY wrong, and to explain to yourself the cost of that wrong-headed thinking?

Have you offered your husband to be extremely generous with him in the divorce?  Conversely have you drafted up a post-nup agreement showing that you are willing to take ALL the risk?

Have you uncovered every aspect of your dynamic where you had an asymmetric advantage, or where you were lacking reciprocity and designed a blue print you are prepared to execute to restore balance?  

Have you considered any friendships you had that may have been “enabling”?  Have you already severed them or are you prepared to, and have you communicated that?

I offer all this not to attack you Phoenix, really.  

Apologies in advance if this is coming across any way other than a brainstorm to help.  I am — as they say — a bitter scorned spouse, soo there’s that.  


I apologize for not responding sooner. Yes, I have been posting here for a while. I had to delete my account because my BS does not appreciate me speaking about him and our problems. He feels it's disrespectful and not helpful. Plus he feels I am making myself look like a victim. 
My BS has mentioned a few times in the last 6 months that he is done and he will be leaving after our daughter turns 18. 
When it comes to us separating or divorcing I have tried to comply with what he asks or hints at, sometimes I would be the one to ask what he wanted to do. His response would be you always want to take the easy way out, you want answers because you went to restart your life, or just I don't know what to do. 
I have mostly everything you have pointed out. There are some things that do not apply to us because we do not have much. I know that I might have to pay him alimony and thats ok. I do not think he would take it. He has always said that he doesn't want to know anything about me after he leaves. I have him as my beneficiary on my pension regardless. 
I have not written any of those letters other than a few 6 page apology letters that he never wants to read or he scuffs at. 
We have spoken about the unfairness of our relationship and how unbalanced it was. Mostly of it to my favor. He does not want to talk about any plan to restore balance. Unless I give him complete honesty (meaning I remember every single detail from 20 years ago), apologize correctly, and give him full detail about other things that happened many years ago. Balance will never be restored. 
I do not feel attacked, I am glad you wrote all this. I need to examine well what I have done and haven't done.I will read your post a few times. There are a couple of things I think I still need to do.

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Phoenix
Today was a very hard day and it ended worse. 
Why? 
It started because i have been letting my daughter ride in the front seat and I ride in the back. I get on YouTube because I do not like the music they listen to. At night that led to the question why are you seating in the back seat and what are you doing on your phone. I answer the question, when I sit in the front he will not speak to me, when my daughter sits with him the joke the whole time. Which makes the ride more pleasant. I answered the phone question with the same explanation I gave here. It turned out to a full blown melt down. On Friday we had already had a melt down because I was late 15 min in meeting him at Costco. It ended by him saying don’t worry I am not leaving in May, I will wait till our kids are well situated, done with college hopefully married. 
He mentioned that again today, only this time he said do not expect anything more than what you are getting from me now. You don’t want to give me honesty, you don’t remember anything, you won’t give me the why, you don’t answer questions, so Don't ask me for anything. I am here and that’s it. 
Mind you over a year ago I gave him a 2 hour long recording with as much detail as I can remember from 20 years ago. 
He keeps telling me that I made him miserable for the last 21 years of our marriage. 
Why? Why stay, why extend his time? He says I never loved him, I should have left, and I made him miserable, it’s bis turn. He has to open my eyes and teach me the lessons I never learned. This is as good as it will ever get. 
Why? 
I keep praying his heart will soften. 
Ive been doing what some of you have told me here. I stepped back and let him have space while still complying with my wifely duties. All of them! Trying to give him some peace. Nothing works. 
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Crushed
It is because pain and hurt resonates all through his body and mind.   He is fighting accepting that you could of treated him so cruelly when he loved you.  He is hypervigilant  (phone) because he knows that he is hanging on to hisself by a thread.  That just one more thing and he will fall over the edge and wont be able to survive the hurt and pain.   He sets a timeline to leave as a salvation to his condemnation of himself for staying.  He feels that his staying with you makes him weak and stupid and a doormat. He wants the control of knowing he can choose.  He doesn't want to leave he just feels that is justice for you.  You left his heart to die with your affair and now he wants you to know that he is also capable of leaving.  As for being miserable maybe he was and loved his children more.  My children were everything to me and I could tolerate any abuse I had to go through so their world would not be upset.  I'm not sure that I did them any favors now as they tell me they know how bad I was treated.   But i did love my husband dearly with all of his addictions and selfishness.  Now i dont feel.  I dont feel happy I dont feel joy I dont feel excitement i dont feel secure or safe.  But what I do feel is true terror all day and night long. Terror that I will be living this nightmare the rest of my life.  All i want is a place to be safe and secure so i can rest to be able to let the walls down and finally be able to relax.  This sounds so stupid and I am not a religious person but I see jesus and I go lay my head on his heart and he wraps these big white wings around me and I feel peace.  Somehow those wings protect me and make me feel safe.  What i would give if only i could have 10 minutes of that.
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jasmine
Oh dear. This is not good. What happens in a therapy session is private. There is no obligation to share this with your spouse, in fact Paula Hall states this specifically in her book for partners of sex and porn addicts — that the partner does not have the ‘right’ to know what is discussed in the offending partner’s therapy session. There are no doubt very good reasons for this, as your experience has shown. The feelings expressed and the backstory and other information is way too sensitive to share until it has all been processed. This applies to BOTH partners, whether they are the betrayers or the betrayed. I’m so sorry to hear how this happened. It must feel devastating — for both of you. 

BTW, I am a ‘betrayed’ spouse — there has been both infidelity and porn/sex addiction in our relationship history and I am having individual counselling to deal with its long term impact on me. . My husband asks me how it went and I’ll say whether it was helpful or not. And that’s it. I don’t divulge what was discussed. Some he knows already and some he doesn’t, but that isn’t the issue. It’s about having a safe space to express myself and to be understood. It’s an intensely private space. I need it and my husband needs to respect that. 
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EasyAsABC
I’m sorry, I know the narrative here is that the BS deserves everything, deserves for their WS to bend over backwards to make them feel safe and comfortable. 
But
There is a line. And I think your BS is crossing it many times over. If a BS can’t treat their WS like a human being (understandable) then they need to move on, and let the WS move on as well. 
You’ve been given an expiration date, two now it sounds. 
I don’t agree with the thought that you need to be a model wife in the meantime. That you need to be micromanaged and monitored. That you need to fulfill ALL of your “wifely duties”, it sounds like he’s wanting stability, sex, and control until he’s ready to walk away, and he’s stringing you along for the ride because you have this underlying hope that he’ll change his mind and stay. 
I get that what you did was awful, and he has every right to be devastated, and he has every right to want out. But you’re also a human, humans make mistakes, and we have to live with those mistakes. But we don’t deserve to be walked all over and treated like less than human for our mistakes. 
Please do some soul searching, I think you deserve better than this. You don’t deserve to be used, controlled, and to live with impending doom.
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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