Phoenix, I haven’t been able to go back over the whole history for you. It seems like an old account of your was deleted so it only looks like you have 28 posts, but I feel like you’ve been posting here for a long time.
In any case it sounds like you are hoping for something to positive to happen, but your spouse seems resolved to terminate your marriage when your child turns 18, and has reiterated this on a number of occasions, is this correct?
If that is the case then what if you were to accept that maybe that your marriage has ended and start discussing THE most favorable way to wrap it up for him? Reconciliation is ALWAYS possible (although it’s terribly fraught, and seems mostly to suck for most people, it is always POSSIBLE). It also may be the case for some that they need the process of divorce to clear the deck and wipe the slate clean. The silver lining of divorce for a WS is that it is a dramatic opportunity to show how kind and deferential you can be, and how you can show up and take responsibility. The act of divorcing your BS, and offering generous terms can be an ultimate display of the person you have become. If you can show your detachment to the outcome, willingness to give your BS ANYTHING, EVEN divorce If it’s what they want, and to do so with absolute kindness and concern for only their well being, it may plant a seed that can grow into something after you divorce.
I thought through what it would take for me to stay in THIS marriage w my WW and the list was LONG. I never got to present it to her because as I was contemplating it, I received YET ANOTHER confirmation of her inability to respect me and COMPLETELY sever ties w her idiot homewrecker (although they weren’t involved like before, just communicating...for what? I’ll never know, as she is currently desperate to save our beautiful family but it’s just too far gone for me at this point with THAT kind of clueless disrespect).
Food for thought though for you to consider or throw out if it’s not applicable for you. I needed my wife to own, fully and without equivocation that there were two people responsible for what went down: her and her idiot, and that I had NOTHING to do with it (she was a HUGE blameshifter). Further, I needed her to state that her feelings of entitlement to do what she did were TOTALLY WRONG, and actually INVALID, to recognize that some feelings actually aren’t valid, that she actually had in her case ZERO reasons to resent me considering the sacrifices I had made to support HER vision of what she wanted our family to be, the extent to which I had been a loving, supportive husband, active father/equal parenting partner and TOTAL and ABSOLUTE provider (it was her choice to be a SAHM, I didn’t push her to do that nor did I push her to work, she had ABSOLUTE freedom to choose), and beyond that the extent to which I had even pushed away my own FOO in order to facilitate her desire to be active and close with her FOO.
I needed her to first take action I could monitor to FINALLY ACTUALLY sever ties — properly — with her imbecile, and then to REPUDIATE him, and then to sue him in a court of law for negligently exposing her to an incurable STD. This I needed for multiple reasons but for the most part I needed her to recognize I needed to SEE her burn that bridge with him, in a way that would cut him deeply. It wasn’t enough for me for that to just go quietly into the night — no, I needed her to basically flog him. It may be important to know that this motherf@cker (her idiot) pretended to be a friend. His family got close to ours, our kids became best friends via school which was the catalyst for knowing them to begin with. So he was “in” my life in a way that in retrospect was deeply intrusive and psychopathically deceptive, and I needed to see her take an action to light him on fire.
I would have needed her to sign a post-nup which would have allowed me to proceed with work on reconciliation on a risk free basis for me. The system where I live would allow me to divorce her with no spousal support on grounds of adultery, but if I were to reconcile with her first AND then we divorced later, well I would be on the hook for alimony. Not interested in that... She should not have bit the hand that fed her... I was happy to support my faithful wife but after exposing herself and therefore me to herpes — sorry but F@CK that. “Not paying for your spa treatments and laser hair removal any more — ok?” Beyond that, conceptually, I wanted to have a way to convey to her that ANY asset split we could arrive at, would not compensate me for the opportunity cost I incurred marrying her vs someone who would have been faithful, that if we were to truly capture fairness here, she would be compensating me a certain amount for every year she “stole” from me, from my life, by invalidating a 25 year investment I had faithfully made, in her.
She would have had to commit to a hard pivot toward repairing atrophied relationships with my side of the family, and away from hers.
She would have had to commit to to relocate from the area we are in.
She would have had to commit to cutting out a friendship she cherishes with someone I believe enabled her entitlement thinking (another cheater who is just too blasee about cheating, and encouraged her or at least did not attempt to dissuade her, IMO)....
...and a whole bunch of other things.
So, not sure how much of that is useful to you. Not sure how many gestures like that you’ve already offered, or actions like those you’ve taken.
Have you written a letter to your old AP to tell him what a piece of sh!t he was to allow you to do that with him? That accepting him into your life and giving yourself to him was the stupidest thing you ever did in your life? And that his involvement with you destroyed the most precious thing in your life? And that if you could chose between living the life you two handed yourself as it is now or having him assassinated back then you would choose assassinate? That you despise him for seducing you or allowing you to seduce him, and that you despise yourself for the choice to be involved? I’m not saying you need to send this letter, not saying you DON’T either, but writing it may be cathartic, sharing it with your husband may be as well....
Have you written a letter to yourself —then —from the current version of you — like a message from the future you could send back in time — to tell yourself all the bone-headed things that you are thinking (then) are COMPLETELY wrong, and to explain to yourself the cost of that wrong-headed thinking?
Have you offered your husband to be extremely generous with him in the divorce? Conversely have you drafted up a post-nup agreement showing that you are willing to take ALL the risk?
Have you uncovered every aspect of your dynamic where you had an asymmetric advantage, or where you were lacking reciprocity and designed a blue print you are prepared to execute to restore balance?
Have you considered any friendships you had that may have been “enabling”? Have you already severed them or are you prepared to, and have you communicated that?
I offer all this not to attack you Phoenix, really.
Apologies in advance if this is coming across any way other than a brainstorm to help. I am — as they say — a bitter scorned spouse, soo there’s that.