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HangingOn
I think sharing your therapy session via recording is not a good idea.  As a BS, I would be very happy you were willing to work on your issues that led to the affair.  The idea of censorship would negatively impact a therapy session as real issues could be avoided.  That being said, having my WS come home from a session and asking me to talk about how it went, how they felt, what they learned, what they plan to do next.  Now that, would be a dream come true!
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Crushed
HangingOn wrote:
I think sharing your therapy session via recording is not a good idea.  As a BS, I would be very happy you were willing to work on your issues that led to the affair.  The idea of censorship would negatively impact a therapy session as real issues could be avoided.  That being said, having my WS come home from a session and asking me to talk about how it went, how they felt, what they learned, what they plan to do next.  Now that, would be a dream come true!


I agree my WS used to come home from therepy session and be so smug and just all smiles and relief.  I always wanted to ask what made him like that.  I usually cried the whole  way home after my sessions.  He came in his first day  and gave me book (languages of love) and told me his therapist said I needed to read it.  Then one day he came home and said that his therapist wanted to talk to me.  I went to that session alone and come to find out they had not even spoke about the affair or his perversions only about what he could do to make me see things his way.  I informed the therapist of all I knew about what went on including his perversions. We went to several more sessions with this guy together and ever question or problem we had the therepist answered and said dont you agree.  Which of course he did.  The therapist  then told us we were not getting anywhere and he wanted to see us separate a couple of times.  He then would tell me how he was going to address the problems ( which I had to tell him again what all went on and he acted shocked and like he didnt know) but he would then forget what the problem even was.  He lied to me ( I refused to go back I already had one liar didnt need two)  and WS asked him why he lied and he said that I misunderstood and that he would call and gain my trust back.  WS come home so smug said I would get call.   I never did and it really fired me up.  I was angry at both of them for lying to me.  So WS used the excuse to quit and said therepy only made it worse.  
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Keepabuzz
My wife went to therapy after d-day, at my direction. After a few weeks she told me one day that her therapist had told her that she had apologized for her affair in every way possible and there was nothing more she could do.  I went absolutely BALLISTIC!  I tried to get an appointment with this so called therapist, but I think my wife warned her and she “had none available”. My wife never mentioned that bull$hit again. Soon after that I handed her the book “How to help you spouse heal from your affair”. To say it was eye opening for her would be a gross understatement.  Her reading that book was a huge turning point for her. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Phoenix
Crushed wrote:


I agree my WS used to come home from therepy session and be so smug and just all smiles and relief.  I always wanted to ask what made him like that.  I usually cried the whole  way home after my sessions.  He came in his first day  and gave me book (languages of love) and told me his therapist said I needed to read it.  Then one day he came home and said that his therapist wanted to talk to me.  I went to that session alone and come to find out they had not even spoke about the affair or his perversions only about what he could do to make me see things his way.  I informed the therapist of all I knew about what went on including his perversions. We went to several more sessions with this guy together and ever question or problem we had the therepist answered and said dont you agree.  Which of course he did.  The therapist  then told us we were not getting anywhere and he wanted to see us separate a couple of times.  He then would tell me how he was going to address the problems ( which I had to tell him again what all went on and he acted shocked and like he didnt know) but he would then forget what the problem even was.  He lied to me ( I refused to go back I already had one liar didnt need two)  and WS asked him why he lied and he said that I misunderstood and that he would call and gain my trust back.  WS come home so smug said I would get call.   I never did and it really fired me up.  I was angry at both of them for lying to me.  So WS used the excuse to quit and said therepy only made it worse.  


I did not share the recording with him, he was looking through my phone and he found it. I forgot to erase it. I would go in there so distraught that i could not remember the sessions so I started recording so I could hear them later.
There are a lot of bad therapist out there. I am on my third one. First two became my friends. They would always say "we are here for your healing, to support you." They would also say " if he doesn't want to come to therapy then theres nothing we can do for him. We are here for your benefit." Even though I made it very clear that I was there to find answers on why I did it, to become a better person, and to learn to help my husband heal, it never happened. They would get upset when I would tell them what happened on a daily basis at home. 
This time I am working on me. We will also work on all the other crisis in my life, but it will no longer be exclusively on the affair. I saw a YouTube video on affair recovery channel, Samuel said that if your partner did not want to work on the marriage together you should work on yourself. 
Even though the relationship with my therapists haven't worked out to the best they have still helped me to discover a lot. 
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Phoenix
My husband is alot more calm now than a couple of weeks ago. No longer going into rages. It's way scarier to me to hear him say everything in a calm way since I know it's not just his feelings talking. I know he really means everything he says. He continues to say all the same things. About 65% are false statement, I do not defend or argue but it hurts to hear all these false comments that he believes. He said he had decided to stay because he had invested to much just to walk away but the person he is making a decision to stay with he believes is a monster. He asked can you imagine how it feels to stay with a horrible wife? Can you imagine how it feels to know that I will never be happy? Can you imagine living with someone who never loved you and still does not love you? I can not imagine, I try but I have never been in his shoes. He says he will never give me any answers on how to proceed with our relationship because he never got any help. He also said "I want you to know, that nothing you say or do will ever change my mind about you, let establish it right now."
How do I find the motivation to woo him back when I know he feels this way. All I want to do is have a huge pity party for myself, drink half a bottle and crawl under the covers,but i know that this will only be selfish because the victim here is him not me.  
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Crushed
Phoenix wrote:
My husband is alot more calm now than a couple of weeks ago. No longer going into rages. It's way scarier to me to hear him say everything in a calm way since I know it's not just his feelings talking. I know he really means everything he says. He continues to say all the same things. About 65% are false statement, I do not defend or argue but it hurts to hear all these false comments that he believes. He said he had decided to stay because he had invested to much just to walk away but the person he is making a decision to stay with he believes is a monster. He asked can you imagine how it feels to stay with a horrible wife? Can you imagine how it feels to know that I will never be happy? Can you imagine living with someone who never loved you and still does not love you? I can not imagine, I try but I have never been in his shoes. He says he will never give me any answers on how to proceed with our relationship because he never got any help. He also said "I want you to know, that nothing you say or do will ever change my mind about you, let establish it right now."
How do I find the motivation to woo him back when I know he feels this way. All I want to do is have a huge pity party for myself, drink half a bottle and crawl under the covers,but i know that this will only be selfish because the victim here is him not me.  


Yes he is the victim and I also feel the same way about my WH. But I would also liked to be wooed, I would like it if he tried romantic dinners and roses and candy.  Could I accept it at first.   I dont know I would think that there was a hidden motive behind it.  I would be very skeptical and reluctant.  But just maybe after awhile I could see that it was because he loved me, that he wanted me, and that I was special to him.  Do you reject your BS in anyway?  If I show one little sign of vulnerability he makes sure that I know he is rejecting me.  It may be with a gesture, words, make a face, or even the way he looks at me.  It really doesn't take that much.  After awhile it's you dont want to be hurt anymore and you try to keep to yourself and the anger just eats away at you.  When he pulls away into his angry world try to remember if you have made any type of action that would make him feel this way.  I know it sounds stupid but I bet he feels like I do and wishes he could just let his guard down and rest just for a little while.  To be held in arms and told that it's going to be ok.  To feel safe and secure and at peace. 
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Phoenix
Crushed wrote:


Yes he is the victim and I also feel the same way about my WH. But I would also liked to be wooed, I would like it if he tried romantic dinners and roses and candy.  Could I accept it at first.   I dont know I would think that there was a hidden motive behind it.  I would be very skeptical and reluctant.  But just maybe after awhile I could see that it was because he loved me, that he wanted me, and that I was special to him.  Do you reject your BS in anyway?  If I show one little sign of vulnerability he makes sure that I know he is rejecting me.  It may be with a gesture, words, make a face, or even the way he looks at me.  It really doesn't take that much.  After awhile it's you dont want to be hurt anymore and you try to keep to yourself and the anger just eats away at you.  When he pulls away into his angry world try to remember if you have made any type of action that would make him feel this way.  I know it sounds stupid but I bet he feels like I do and wishes he could just let his guard down and rest just for a little while.  To be held in arms and told that it's going to be ok.  To feel safe and secure and at peace. 


Yes, I do reject him but not on purpose. Yesterday he made certain comments to make me think he was in the mood to be intimate. So when we went to bed I did certain things so he would know I was interested but I then did not see any interest back so I fell asleep. He then made the comments today that led to the conversation where I was reminded of how things are and will be from now on. 
I understand that it's my responsibility now to make him feel safe, loved, cared for, wanted. It should not be hard for me to do this if I really want it. My shame and regret run deep. It is very hard for me to get out of bed, cook, bath, I can hardly sleep. I wish I had the energy to work as hard as I should.  I believe it is finally catching up to me. 
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Crushed
Phoenix wrote:


Yes, I do reject him but not on purpose. Yesterday he made certain comments to make me think he was in the mood to be intimate. So when we went to bed I did certain things so he would know I was interested but I then did not see any interest back so I fell asleep. He then made the comments today that led to the conversation where I was reminded of how things are and will be from now on. 
I understand that it's my responsibility now to make him feel safe, loved, cared for, wanted. It should not be hard for me to do this if I really want it. My shame and regret run deep. It is very hard for me to get out of bed, cook, bath, I can hardly sleep. I wish I had the energy to work as hard as I should.  I believe it is finally catching up to me. 


We just had similar problem.  He had hinted at it all day so then when I finally decided that I was going to try because that was what he wanted.  He said that he was afraid he couldn't make me happy and it was over.  I felt like the biggest fool in the world how could I let myself get sucked back in to be humiliated, shamed, and rejected again.  If you could only feel what the BS do.  Did you ever fall asleep on your AP?  Did you not try harder to interest your AP all the time?   Did you say the same things to them?  Did you act the same way?  Theses are the thoughts that run through our minds all the time.  I can understand why he is angry with you. You just fell asleep and left him to deal with all the pain that you created for him.  Sorry but that is the way I see it.
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Phoenix
Crushed wrote:


We just had similar problem.  He had hinted at it all day so then when I finally decided that I was going to try because that was what he wanted.  He said that he was afraid he couldn't make me happy and it was over.  I felt like the biggest fool in the world how could I let myself get sucked back in to be humiliated, shamed, and rejected again.  If you could only feel what the BS do.  Did you ever fall asleep on your AP?  Did you not try harder to interest your AP all the time?   Did you say the same things to them?  Did you act the same way?  Theses are the thoughts that run through our minds all the time.  I can understand why he is angry with you. You just fell asleep and left him to deal with all the pain that you created for him.  Sorry but that is the way I see it.


  This is exactly what he tells me all the time. He always tells me I did way more for my AP that I ever did for him.
It's fine.This is what I need to snap me out of my selfishness, to bring me back to reality. When I get home I will not mope, I will wear my big girl panties and treat him the way he deserves. 
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Crushed
Phoenix wrote:


  This is exactly what he tells me all the time. He always tells me I did way more for my AP that I ever did for him.
It's fine.This is what I need to snap me out of my selfishness, to bring me back to reality. When I get home I will not mope, I will wear my big girl panties and treat him the way he deserves. 


If there is something that he likes something small.  Like a favorite drink, or candybar, ice cream.  Pick it up and take it to him.  Tell him that you saw it and thought about how much that he loves it.  And you couldn't resist getting it for him.   Make sure though it is small or it will raise suspension in him.  (If you ever did this for ap and he knows it. Do not try it)  When my WH actually tries and is not being an ass sometimes we go get slow gin and a Sprite from the local drive up like we used to do when we were in high school and go for ride.  (We have acreage and drive our atv on it.  We would never drink and drive on roadway). Sometimes it just eases the tension to do something that you did when you first met.  Other times if it has been bad day  it diesnt work out to well.   But find something that was really special to him. Start small and let him adjust to it.
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Phoenix
Crushed wrote:


If there is something that he likes something small.  Like a favorite drink, or candybar, ice cream.  Pick it up and take it to him.  Tell him that you saw it and thought about how much that he loves it.  And you couldn't resist getting it for him.   Make sure though it is small or it will raise suspension in him.  (If you ever did this for ap and he knows it. Do not try it)  When my WH actually tries and is not being an ass sometimes we go get slow gin and a Sprite from the local drive up like we used to do when we were in high school and go for ride.  (We have acreage and drive our atv on it.  We would never drink and drive on roadway). Sometimes it just eases the tension to do something that you did when you first met.  Other times if it has been bad day  it diesnt work out to well.   But find something that was really special to him. Start small and let him adjust to it.


Thank you Crushed, 
I cooked him his favorite meal. He seemed to really enjoy that. He was also willing to be intimate once we went to bed. I think he appreciated that I did not make it about my feelings being hurt and that I was willing to keep trying. 
Thank you. 
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Phoenix
Great Video for both the BS and the WS. Please watch.

We all hurt. 
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