Phoenix
Is the depression of the WS valid or is it still being selfish and narcissistic? 

These last couple of weeks have been very painful. 
I again did something that hindered any opportunity to mend things with my BS. 

I was going to therapy, I say was because I quit after this incidence. 

I decided to record a couple of my sessions on my phone so I could review them after. Sometimes I walk out of them not remembering a thing. One of those sessions was in May 2019, I was venting to my therapist being I was very frustrated. She was not being professional and I did not stop her. I felt validated and supported. 
i forgot to erase the sessions after I reviewed them. My husbands checks my phone notices these recording and sends them to himself. He listens to them and again I hurt him very badly with everything that is said in them. We try to discuss what happened in the therapy and why but it didn’t go well. I defend the fact that it’s my therapy session and he shouldn’t have a say in it. Which I’m probably wrong about. 
This has caused me to go into depression. Something I have tried very hard not to fall into. I feel my heart being wrapped by this sadness that I can’t shake off. I feel like a total failure. I am sad that I have not been able to show my BS how much he means to me. In October it will be 3 years since Dday and there hasn’t been much progress in our relationship. I have not been able to do one thing to makes things better. There is no moving forward or backwards. No plans can be made because there is no decision to work or not to work on our marriage. Life is stuck.
And Now I really don’t have anyone to talk to. 
A few months ago he spoke to his mom, the one person who I felt was neutral but at the same time for the marriage. He told her every detail of every thing I have ever done to him and how he felt. After that she is not the same with me. So I decided not to speak to her about what we are going through anymore. He deserves to have someone in his corner. 
I know not everyone is religious, I am trying to hold on to gods hand. I am trying to be positive. Everyday in the morning I cry in my car because I feel hopeless and everyday I try to motivate myself to do more. 
I am now walking around like a zombie, with a heavy sadness, faking smiles but wanting to go home and crawl into bed.  Is my depression me still being selfish and narcissistic? 
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EasyAsABC
My two cents after taking on two different roles in these situations: 
Depression is not a selfish emotion, you’re entitled to it for any reason, or even no reason. Even if you and the outside world view that reason as “your fault”, you’re still entitled to it. 
Depression itself is not selfishly based, but how you deal with that depression can be. I think there may be a decent percent of WS that experience depression BEFORE the start of an affair, and the affair is used as a bandaid of sorts. 
I also think that no matter your role in an affair, private individual therapy sessions should be just that - private. Some may disagree with me here, but I think your BS crossed a major boundary by sending those recordings to himself and listening to them and picking them apart. Yes, you crossed more boundaries by having an affair, but two wrongs don’t make a right. 
I experienced depression as a BS, there were far more soul crushing aspects to my marriage than the affairs though. Eventually I basically turned off my feelings, I became numb. 
I am experiencing MORE depression as the OW, I’m actually medicated right now just to function. This could be because I’m finally allowing myself to feel again, or it could be simply because the pain is greater. No matter the reason, you (and I) are not selfish or narcissistic simply because you feel depression over a situation you created, or helped to create. You’re allowed to feel sorrow, regret, heartache, depression, etc... you’re entitled to your feelings, it’s your actions that define you. Just because you are a WS doesn’t mean you’re any less entitled to feelings. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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ThrivenotSurvive
I fully agree with everything EasyAsABC said so I won't reiterate it.  Depression is NOT selfish, though in SOME cases, the way you handle it can be.  You are NOT one of those cases.

Phoenix, while there is definitely a LONG period in which a WS should be prepared to take a lot of pain, anger and inability to commit from the BS, I am NOT a believer in "punishing someone for the same mistake" forever camp.  While i DON'T believe your husband is under any obligation to forgive you, or to re-engage with the relationship - I also don't believe it is right to keep you in a suspended state forever. 

If he is unwilling to decide one way or the other - to end the marriage or recommit to it - you may have to.  I don't know how long you are prepared to live this way, but three years is pretty long time to show contrition and effort and receive nothing back.  Forgiveness and moving past something like this are VERY hard - particularly when you loved that person wholeheartedly.  Not everyone can do it.  It is sad, for them and a truly contrite spouse, but it is still a fact. 

I am so sorry you - and he - are going through this.  You are both clearly hurting a great deal.  And while you did make the choices that put you there - grace and forgiveness are necessary in this world FULL of imperfect people.  I may never have cheated, but I have also not lived a perfect life.  I have received forgiveness when I was willing to own my mistakes and make restitution - and I believe in offering it to others (*key note here - IF they are willing to own it and make restitution, which you clearly have tried to do).  

But not everyone is built that way - through no fault of their own - they just can't get there.  Your husband seems like he might be one of those.  I am not encouraging you to leave - but do consider if there is any end in sight for either of your pain.  Something needs to give at some point.  This doesn't seem to helping either one of you.  

I am so sorry, Phoenix.  But heart bleeds for you both.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Keepabuzz
Depression, true depression is not selfish, and not by choice. Even if you are the cause of the situation you’re in. Honestly, I the lack of depression in “most” WS’s is a strong data point for me that solidifies my opinion that the overwhelming majority of WS’s, (even very remorseful ones), never truly get the true depth of destruction and life long damage they have inflicted on the BS. If they did, I think depression would be logical. But it seems to not be the norm. You’re in a very difficult situation, and have been for a very long time, self made, but that doesn’t make it any easier. 

I will disagree somewhat with others here about your husband crossing boundaries.  I do believe that “your” therapy is “your” therapy, and should be private. BUT! After an affair, you give up all expectation of privacy or should. Should he be able to request you to record all therapy sessions so he can listen to them? Of course not. But if when my wife was still in therapy, and she had recorded her sessions, and I found them on her phone, you can bet your a$$ I would have listened to them! Cheaters are liars, and master manipulators. Not all therapists are the greatest, and some can certainly be manipulated as well.  I do believe my wife was manipulating her therapist in the early days. She actually said this to me about a month after d-day -“My therapist said that I have apologized to you in every way possible and there is nothing else I can do.”  I told her if that was her opinion, then she could pack her $hit and find a new home. Now, did her therapist actually say that? Maybe she did, but what information was she going off of? The truth? The whole truth? Part of the truth, and part lies? My wife found a new therapist.  I would use any data point I could to find out if my wife was being truthful, and not manipulating me, and I would feel ZERO shame or guilt about it.  You lied to your husband for 20 years if I remember correctly.  That is an insanely long time. You lied to him for almost the entirety of your marriage. That is a big mountain to overcome. 

I agree with you letting him have his mom for support. Since he told her all the details, can you really blame her for treating you a bit differently?  I mean that makes sense, doesn’t it? I mean I would be thankful she even speaks to you. But you do need someone that you can talk to. If you don’t, that will make pulling out of the depression that much harder. 

You made this mess, but just because this is all your fault doesn’t mean you should have to live in limbo forever.  I’m not telling you to stay or leave. Only you can make that decision. It is true there are some people that can’t get past this level of damage, and that doesn’t mean there is a single thing wrong with them. Infidelity doesn’t deserve forgiveness. I am a bit like that I think. My wife’s affair was 6 months long, and she never broke a boundary after d-day. If she had contacted him just once. Just one text, anything. I would have thrown her out. But there are plenty of people here that had their WS continue their affair after d-day, broke no contact many times, multiple d-days, multiple affairs, trickle truth, etc.  They still stayed, and some able to find reconciliation, they are capable of more grace and forgiveness than I am.  That doesn’t mean they are wrong, nor am I wrong. We are just all different people.

As WILDLY UNFAIR as it is, at some point the BS has to put in the work, or divorce. Have you asked him if he would prefer it if you left? Have you told him that you think he might be happier without you (if you think that)? Maybe he is never going to be able get past this and stay with you. Maybe he can in time. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Phoenix
EasyAsABC wrote:
My two cents after taking on two different roles in these situations: 
Depression is not a selfish emotion, you’re entitled to it for any reason, or even no reason. Even if you and the outside world view that reason as “your fault”, you’re still entitled to it. 
Depression itself is not selfishly based, but how you deal with that depression can be. I think there may be a decent percent of WS that experience depression BEFORE the start of an affair, and the affair is used as a bandaid of sorts. 
I also think that no matter your role in an affair, private individual therapy sessions should be just that - private. Some may disagree with me here, but I think your BS crossed a major boundary by sending those recordings to himself and listening to them and picking them apart. Yes, you crossed more boundaries by having an affair, but two wrongs don’t make a right. 
I experienced depression as a BS, there were far more soul crushing aspects to my marriage than the affairs though. Eventually I basically turned off my feelings, I became numb. 
I am experiencing MORE depression as the OW, I’m actually medicated right now just to function. This could be because I’m finally allowing myself to feel again, or it could be simply because the pain is greater. No matter the reason, you (and I) are not selfish or narcissistic simply because you feel depression over a situation you created, or helped to create. You’re allowed to feel sorrow, regret, heartache, depression, etc... you’re entitled to your feelings, it’s your actions that define you. Just because you are a WS doesn’t mean you’re any less entitled to feelings. 


thank you for your thoughts. I believe therapy is private and personal. In this situation since I left my recordings on my phone they were fair play. I always feel exactly that, that I don’t have a right to feel anything. I don’t have a right to any happy feelings, sad, etc. I get anxiety over this. 
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Phoenix
I fully agree with everything EasyAsABC said so I won't reiterate it.  Depression is NOT selfish, though in SOME cases, the way you handle it can be.  You are NOT one of those cases.

Phoenix, while there is definitely a LONG period in which a WS should be prepared to take a lot of pain, anger and inability to commit from the BS, I am NOT a believer in "punishing someone for the same mistake" forever camp.  While i DON'T believe your husband is under any obligation to forgive you, or to re-engage with the relationship - I also don't believe it is right to keep you in a suspended state forever. 

If he is unwilling to decide one way or the other - to end the marriage or recommit to it - you may have to.  I don't know how long you are prepared to live this way, but three years is pretty long time to show contrition and effort and receive nothing back.  Forgiveness and moving past something like this are VERY hard - particularly when you loved that person wholeheartedly.  Not everyone can do it.  It is sad, for them and a truly contrite spouse, but it is still a fact. 

I am so sorry you - and he - are going through this.  You are both clearly hurting a great deal.  And while you did make the choices that put you there - grace and forgiveness are necessary in this world FULL of imperfect people.  I may never have cheated, but I have also not lived a perfect life.  I have received forgiveness when I was willing own my mistakes and make restitution - and I believe in offering it to others (*key note here - if they are willing to won it and make restitution, which you clearly have tried to do).  

But not everyone is built that way - through no fault of their own - they just can't get there.  Your husband seems like he might be one of those.  I am not encouraging you to leave - but do think about if there is any end in sight for either of your plain.  Something needs to give at some point.  This doesn't seem to helping either one of you.  

I am so sorry, Phoenix.  But heart bleeds for you both.  


i am willing to take it and be here until the end. I keep hoping one day he will forgive me and want to build a new marriage and relationship with me. I’m glad this forum exist. You are all so kind and I hope you are blessed 1000 times. 
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Phoenix
Keepabuzz wrote:
Depression, true depression is not selfish, and not by choice. Even if you are the cause of the situation you’re in. Honestly, I the lack of depression in “most” WS’s is a strong data point for me that solidifies my opinion that the overwhelming majority of WS’s, (even very remorseful ones), never truly get the true depth of destruction and life long damage they have inflicted on the BS. If they did, I think depression would be logical. But it seems to not be the norm. You’re in a very difficult situation, and have been for a very long time, self made, but that doesn’t make it any easier. 

I will disagree somewhat with others here about your husband crossing boundaries.  I do believe that “your” therapy is “your” therapy, and should be private. BUT! After an affair, you give up all expectation of privacy or should. Should he be able to request you to record all therapy sessions so he can listen to them? Of course not. But if when my wife was still in therapy, and she had recorded her sessions, and I found them on her phone, you can bet your a$$ I would have listened to them! Cheaters are liars, and master manipulators. Not all therapists are the greatest, and some can certainly be manipulated as well.  I do believe my wife was manipulating her therapist in the early days. She actually said this to me about a month after d-day -“My therapist said that I have apologized to you in every way possible and there is nothing else I can do.”  I told her if that was her opinion, then she could pack her $hit and find a new home. Now, did her therapist actually say that? Maybe she did, but what information was she going off of? The truth? The whole truth? Part of the truth, and part lies? My wife found a new therapist.  I would use any data point I could to find out if my wife was being truthful, and not manipulating me, and I would feel ZERO shame or guilt about it.  You lied to your husband for 20 years if I remember correctly.  That is an insanely long time. You lied to him for almost the entirety of your marriage. That is a big mountain to overcome. 

I agree with you letting him have his mom for support. Since he told her all the details, can you really blame her for treating you a bit differently?  I mean that makes sense, doesn’t it? I mean I would be thankful she even speaks to you. But you do need someone that you can talk to. If you don’t, that will make pulling out of the depression that much harder. 

You made this mess, but just because this is all your fault doesn’t mean you should have to live in limbo forever.  I’m not telling you to stay or leave. Only you can make that decision. It is true there are some people that can’t get past this level of damage, and that doesn’t mean there is a single thing wrong with them. Infidelity doesn’t deserve forgiveness. I am a bit like that I think. My wife’s affair was 6 months long, and she never broke a boundary after d-day. If she had contacted him just once. Just one text, anything. I would have thrown her out. But there are plenty of people here that had their WS continue their affair after d-day, broke no contact many times, multiple d-days, multiple affairs, trickle truth, etc.  They still stayed, and some able to find reconciliation, they are capable of more grace and forgiveness than I am.  That doesn’t mean they are wrong, nor am I wrong. We are just all different people.

As WILDLY UNFAIR as it is, at some point the BS has to put in the work, or divorce. Have you asked him if he would prefer it if you left? Have you told him that you think he might be happier without you (if you think that)? Maybe he is never going to be able get past this and stay with you. Maybe he can in time. 

thank you Keep,
I don’t have to tell him that, he has told me many times he knows he would be happier with out me. He tells me he will walk out when our daughter turns 18. May 2020. I feel in my heart that we can make it but I can not force him to do any type of recovery work. Only time will tell. He doesn’t believe I get it. I know what depression is. My father has lived with it for 21 years. This is not shame. I feel sadness. Thank you Keep for acknowledging it and everyone else. I am looking for another therapist and I’m hoping the third time is the charm. 
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Keepabuzz
There were only three emotions I didn’t feel like my wife had the right to was happy, in the early days, anger at me for ANYTHING regarding her affair or ANY of my reactions to it, or frustration with me. She gets frustrated and angry at times with me now, but just normal married couple stuff, not affair related. I wanted her to feel angry and frustrated at herself. I wanted her to feel terrible about what she had done. Sad about what she had done.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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EasyAsABC
Phoenix wrote:

thank you Keep,
I don’t have to tell him that, he has told me many times he knows he would be happier with out me. He tells me he will walk out when our daughter turns 18. May 2020. I feel in my heart that we can make it but I can not force him to do any type of recovery work. Only time will tell. He doesn’t believe I get it. I know what depression is. My father has lived with it for 21 years. This is not shame. I feel sadness. Thank you Keep for acknowledging it and everyone else. I am looking for another therapist and I’m hoping the third time is the charm. 


As much as I think everyone on here will agree that the WS needs to put in the majority of the effort for reconciliation, I think there is something to be said about putting that effort in wisely. 
It seems your BS has made his mind up about the relationship, and the advice given on here about BS not doing the “pick me dance” can be interpreted for a WS as well. It’s obviously not exactly the same, but if you’re three years in, and looking at an expiration date of nine months from now, are you putting in effort where effort should be exerted? With the expiration date I’m even more confused by you BS listening to your recorded therapy session. 
It seems you’re the only one wanting to rebuild, and that can’t be one sided. If he’s only staying with you for the sake of your child, and plans to eject as soon as your child is 18, it seems you may be setting yourself up for a world of hurt nine months from now. Maybe instead of trying to encourage reconciliation, you can simply work on you, on making yourself whole, so that when that split comes it doesn’t destroy you. You’ll still need to be a mother, a friend, a family member, a community member, etc... after the split. Maybe focus on making sure you’re on the right track to continue those roles effectively when he leaves you. 
I would also put some serious thought into why you’d agree to stay in a relationship with an expiration date. I know it’s easy to give into the self hate, but an affair doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated as less than human. 
My parents stayed together “for the kids” for the majority of their relationship. Their goal was to wait to split until we all graduated high school. I can tell you with certainty they did us absolutely no favors by doing that. 
It seems that you’re very remorseful, but maybe take a step back and look at constructive remorse, instead of self destructive remorse. In my opinion, staying in a relationship that you’re not wanted in is pretty self destructive. I can understand why you’d think you deserved that, but the bottom line is: you don’t. You made an awful mistake, if your partner can’t move on, that’s unfortunately something you’re going to have to live with. That doesn’t mean you need to live with him though, but ultimately no stranger on the internet is going to fully understand what’s going on in your home, it’s up to you to decide what you and he BOTH deserve.
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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Phoenix
EasyAsABC wrote:


As much as I think everyone on here will agree that the WS needs to put in the majority of the effort for reconciliation, I think there is something to be said about putting that effort in wisely. 
It seems your BS has made his mind up about the relationship, and the advice given on here about BS not doing the “pick me dance” can be interpreted for a WS as well. It’s obviously not exactly the same, but if you’re three years in, and looking at an expiration date of nine months from now, are you putting in effort where effort should be exerted? With the expiration date I’m even more confused by you BS listening to your recorded therapy session. 
It seems you’re the only one wanting to rebuild, and that can’t be one sided. If he’s only staying with you for the sake of your child, and plans to eject as soon as your child is 18, it seems you may be setting yourself up for a world of hurt nine months from now. Maybe instead of trying to encourage reconciliation, you can simply work on you, on making yourself whole, so that when that split comes it doesn’t destroy you. You’ll still need to be a mother, a friend, a family member, a community member, etc... after the split. Maybe focus on making sure you’re on the right track to continue those roles effectively when he leaves you. 
I would also put some serious thought into why you’d agree to stay in a relationship with an expiration date. I know it’s easy to give into the self hate, but an affair doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated as less than human. 
My parents stayed together “for the kids” for the majority of their relationship. Their goal was to wait to split until we all graduated high school. I can tell you with certainty they did us absolutely no favors by doing that. 
It seems that you’re very remorseful, but maybe take a step back and look at constructive remorse, instead of self destructive remorse. In my opinion, staying in a relationship that you’re not wanted in is pretty self destructive. I can understand why you’d think you deserved that, but the bottom line is: you don’t. You made an awful mistake, if your partner can’t move on, that’s unfortunately something you’re going to have to live with. That doesn’t mean you need to live with him though, but ultimately no stranger on the internet is going to fully understand what’s going on in your home, it’s up to you to decide what you and he BOTH deserve.


by me having an affair I did everything possible to end my marriage, right? Now I want to do everything possible to save it. I completely understand what you’re saying but can yo explain to me what constructive remorse looks like? All the points you made I went over with my therapist. I’m trying to work on all those things you mentioned. No matter how much work I do o will be debated the day he walks out. 
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Keepabuzz
I agree about the constructive remorse/self destructive remorse. The danger with this distinction is those WS that are early on this road may try to twist that distinction. You are not early on the road. From what you have posted here, you have shown remorse consistently for a long time, years.  You are doing all you can to save your marriage, but your husband is steadfast in not saving that. That is a choice he gets to make, and he is well within his rights to do so.  Rebuilding does take both partners, and he has no desire to do that. I think you may need to accept that, and work to make your life as peaceful as possible until May 2020.  Be nice, polite, but continuing to try to pull the weight of the reconciliation when your husband doesn’t want is self destructive.  It sucks, but you can’t change the past. It sounds like he has been clear and made his mind up about what is his choice, you’re going to have to accept that. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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EasyAsABC
Phoenix wrote:


by me having an affair I did everything possible to end my marriage, right? Now I want to do everything possible to save it. I completely understand what you’re saying but can yo explain to me what constructive remorse looks like? All the points you made I went over with my therapist. I’m trying to work on all those things you mentioned. No matter how much work I do o will be debated the day he walks out. 



To me (and I encourage others to add to this) constructive remorse in simple terms is going to look like you doing everything you can to make your spouse comfortable with whatever choice they’d prefer to make, while NOT sacrificing your sanity, worth and ultimate well-being. 
To elaborate further, the immediate fall out after DDay SHOULD be uncomfortable for a spouse who recognizes their wrong doing, who wants to rebuild and repair. There will be necessary and inevitable sacrifice, incredible amounts of mentally exhausting soul searching, and the WS should be focused on the well-being of the BS if they ultimately want to save the relationship. 
There comes a point in time though, where the WS needs to stop being punished, both by themselves and their spouse. Where the BS needs to forgive, but not forget. Three years is too long to be groveling for forgiveness. 
At this point, your constructive remorse should be looking like, you cooperating with him when he files for divorce (don’t contest if this is what he wants), aiding in a fair separation of assets, adding amicable conditions to the dissolution. Basically, letting him leave peacefully if that’s what he wants, but without letting yourself also get walked all over and taken advantage of because of your guilt. 
It is absolutely his choice to walk away from this marriage whenever he wants, but you also deserve the same. If you can’t take the groveling any longer knowing this will still end in divorce, you also have every right to set him free, it seems that’s what he wants anyway. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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Phoenix
Keepabuzz wrote:
I agree about the constructive remorse/self destructive remorse. The danger with this distinction is those WS that are early on this road may try to twist that distinction. You are not early on the road. From what you have posted here, you have shown remorse consistently for a long time, years.  You are doing all you can to save your marriage, but your husband is steadfast in not saving that. That is a choice he gets to make, and he is well within his rights to do so.  Rebuilding does take both partners, and he has no desire to do that. I think you may need to accept that, and work to make your life as peaceful as possible until May 2020.  Be nice, polite, but continuing to try to pull the weight of the reconciliation when your husband doesn’t want is self destructive.  It sucks, but you can’t change the past. It sounds like he has been clear and made his mind up about what is his choice, you’re going to have to accept that. 


I guess that’s what he is trying to do, we spend more time now than ever before. We go to the beach together, eat breakfast together on Sunday's, go workout at the same gym at the same time. All of it without the kids. Most of the time per his request. When I ask why if he doesn’t want reconciliation? His answer is because he is not an animal and he is tired of being angry and sad. 
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Phoenix
EasyAsABC wrote:



To me (and I encourage others to add to this) constructive remorse in simple terms is going to look like you doing everything you can to make your spouse comfortable with whatever choice they’d prefer to make, while NOT sacrificing your sanity, worth and ultimate well-being. 
To elaborate further, the immediate fall out after DDay SHOULD be uncomfortable for a spouse who recognizes their wrong doing, who wants to rebuild and repair. There will be necessary and inevitable sacrifice, incredible amounts of mentally exhausting soul searching, and the WS should be focused on the well-being of the BS if they ultimately want to save the relationship. 
There comes a point in time though, where the WS needs to stop being punished, both by themselves and their spouse. Where the BS needs to forgive, but not forget. Three years is too long to be groveling for forgiveness. 
At this point, your constructive remorse should be looking like, you cooperating with him when he files for divorce (don’t contest if this is what he wants), aiding in a fair separation of assets, adding amicable conditions to the dissolution. Basically, letting him leave peacefully if that’s what he wants, but without letting yourself also get walked all over and taken advantage of because of your guilt. 
It is absolutely his choice to walk away from this marriage whenever he wants, but you also deserve the same. If you can’t take the groveling any longer knowing this will still end in divorce, you also have every right to set him free, it seems that’s what he wants anyway. 


ok, I Understand. 
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Keepabuzz
Phoenix wrote:


I guess that’s what he is trying to do, we spend more time now than ever before. We go to the beach together, eat breakfast together on Sunday's, go workout at the same gym at the same time. All of it without the kids. Most of the time per his request. When I ask why if he doesn’t want reconciliation? His answer is because he is not an animal and he is tired of being angry and sad. 


I can tell you that I’m also so tired of being angry and sad.  I don’t live in a state of anger anymore. But it can still be triggered, although I have much more control over than I used to. It’s hard to explain, but I will try. I’m no longer angry at the wife I have now. But I still have anger with who she was. I have anger that I have to deal with triggers, and anxiety, and depression, and sadness, and I deserved none of it. I still have anger that my general state of mind is not a great one, it’s more of a going through the motions. I do think it would be easier to put this all behind me if I left and started new. But that has it’s own risks and consequences as well.

 Maybe being friends is all he can handle, and honestly that’s pretty good after what he has gone through. Maybe his heart will soften. One thing that always made me pull away from my wife was pressure. If I felt even the slightest bit of pressure from her, I would pull away. For example if she really wanted to have sex with me, the more it would repulse me. If she even seemed like she thought I should be better than I was, it would drive my heart away from her. Maybe you do as he wishes and just be his friend, and stop trying to save a marriage he sees as dead and gone. When that pressure is gone his heart may soften.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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