TimT
Note: I'm looking of input regarding the experiences of the unfaithful partner. Some contributions may be quoted in an affair recovery manual I am writing. (I'll give you a free copy if I quote you.) I'm especially looking for quotes from those who had an affair, but betrayed spouses may also comment about their experiences with an unfaithful spouse in these areas.

Questions to consider: Once your affair was uncovered, how easy was it for you to make a choice between your spouse and the affair partner? How long did it take to make that choice? Once made, did you spend much time second-guessing your choice? What helped you or hindered you in making that choice? Are you satisfied with the choice you made?
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Kalmarjan
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Once your affair was uncovered, how easy was it for you to make a choice between your spouse and the affair partner?

To be honest, I felt like I didn't have a choice. I left my wife for the AP. I felt like I was unable to fix my marriage, and besides, I lied to myself into believing I was "in love" with my AP. Therefore, it didn't make sense for me to stay.
Now, later on when the affair fog started lifting, that was a way harder choice. It took a process of many months, of which my AP had a sort of sixth sense of. Thing is, she asserted more control and I found myself resenting that.


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How long did it take to make that choice?


In the end, it took over a year and a bit to make that choice. From discovery that is.

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Once made, did you spend much time second-guessing your choice?

I don't second guess it now, but yes, I did second guess my choice after a while with my AP. I hurt my best friend in the entire world. I was a pariah, and I sucked in all aspects of my life.

My AP actually broke it off with me over Christmas, and in truth I was happy that she did. Things were getting to the point where I didn't really want to be involved with her anymore. (plus, honestly she withheld affection and sex around this time, so this is how I KNOW that I was in a fog.)

Then, about a week later, she asked me to meet her in a coffee shop. Long story short, a sex act in the car later, and I was back in it.

I second guess that choice since then. I even had panic attacks because of it.

That's why, long story short, after a couple of months of less contact with her, it all came to a head. She then broke it off with me. Truth is, I kind of pushed her there.

Now, I went straight back to my wife. Like, the after noon I broke it off with the AP, I went and saw my wife. The truth is, I wanted out of the relationship with the AP, but I just couldn't bring myself to get out of my "fix."

I did have second guesses from then on about being with wife, but truth be told, it was more about second guessing my actions (being in contact with the AP)

Now, I don't second guess my choice. It's clear who I ALWAYS wanted to be with at some level. Here's another realization I had...

I tried to make my AP a younger version of my wife in my head. The truth is that I love my wife, I always had. I may have thought that ILYBINILWY, but, that's from the fog. Not reality.

I got into several fights with the AP over this. She is her own person, with all that entails. But she never stood a chance. I was obviously not over my wife. Therefore, I replaced my wife in my head with this woman, and that is wrong on a lot of levels... But there it is.

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What helped you or hindered you in making that choice?


Contact with AP, and the actions of my BS.

In the end, my wife had to let me go and figure out the deal. Any action she took to "convince" me to come home I took as manipulation. Worse, the AP whispering that in my ear didn't help.

Most BS have to realize that in order to justify what us WS are doing, we really need to rewrite history. At least, those of us with a conscience. I really don't believe that we woke up. One morning and said, screw it... Let's destroy our Spouses life. Heck, why not. It'll be fun!

So, any time my wife would tag me on Facebook, or text me, call me or try to get me to "see" it literally pushed me further. I was also distracted. In the end, it was my son that woke me up to reality. His innocence, and the ability to just call things out as they were was the catalyst that saved me from. Making the stupidest mistake of my life.

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Are you satisfied with the choice you made?


Not a day goes by where I don't give thanks for the privilege of trying to right things.

I GET TO MAKE IT RIGHT.

That alone is all I need. I have no attachment right now to the outcome, but I have promised that I will work on myself, for myself. That way, I can be the best self I can be, and I know that will attract whoever it is that is right. (Yes, I know it's my wife... I kind of lied about the attachment thing ha ha)
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