Jazmine086 Show full post »
Valntine66
Graceandhope wrote:
But, did she say never tell? Or to hold the information for a while? I guessing you didn't run out and tell everyone that a) you were cheating b) ended the affair and were trying to work thru it c) she was not living at home. It is a process. This may be her way to take back her life, have her say. This should open up a dialog on if she doesn't want to tell, for how long? What's her time line. What is she hoping for at the end of that time. Ask her why she feels that she wants to divorce and still work on the two of you? Is she just thinking friends? Regardless of how this turns for your marriage you will be linked through your children. If at no other time it is important to figure out how to communicate through this.


What my BS wants is a divorce at least not now she comments.  She said that she has peace about being single, no worries about a husband, or children int he house (all our children are grown and on their own).  The only child left is our 17 son who will be traveling to college at the end of Aug and she wants to be free once he leaves.  She also wants to be friends and work together in the Deaf ministry.  We both could not stand to see the Deaf here be left without a leader, interpreters, and the hearing pastor left with nobody to manage the ministry.  That too we have in common.

Like I said, I know what I want.  I am one to give up but like I said in one topic, When does the Fat Lady Sing?  Is this the tune?

In the realm of Not Telling anyone at church. she is more not wanting people to know our business and not to be embarrassed.  The church does know that we are going through some issues but they don't know the details.  Deception, I would not say so.  I'll just have to play this out and go day by day.
Val
Quote 0 0
Heidi
Hi Val. So sorry to hear this. I know it's not what you wanted. I do think her desire to both divorce you and still work with you are trying to say two different things. I know if I'd decided to divorce I could not have remained friends with my husband. Co-parented, yes, but no more than that.

I wonder if she's still looking for ways to take the pain away and thinks divorce might help with this? I know I considered it a few times. The problem is, you can leave the marriage, but you'll still have to work through the pain. But it might still be too early for her to realise this.

Whatever happens, well done for respecting her wishes. You can agree to things whilst still making it clear you want a relationship / to fight for the marriage. My husband told me that if we divorced the blame would be his, but he would always love me and want me to be happy. For some reason that helped a lot in the dark days.



Quote 0 0
Valntine66
I dont know what to say or do.  I am guessing this is normal to feel like a zonbie.  tomorrow i have a meeting with my behavioral specialist in a followup on my Paxil expereince and to see how i am doing.

I want to fight for my mariage because i believe God will change both of us and work on it, but i am trying to be that rock and not react to her anger (at least i see it as anger).

Thank you for the reply.
Val
Quote 0 0
Heidi
It sounds strange, but most of us can understand that feeling of helplessness. It's awful and horrible, and I feel for you. Take one day at a time, make no major decisions, and a big yes to getting medical help.

Sometimes fighting for something can mean just being that rock while surrounded by a whirlpool.

There are so many stages in recovery for both BS and WS. Anger is almost certainly the hardest to get through.

Quote 0 0
Valntine66
Today was a feel good day, but I can count it a blessing.  Basically, my BS and I talked about plans on visiting a Deaf camp south of us since we are getting ready for it in a month.  I told her that I will work hard to make sure that I have next Tuesday off so that we two can go down state to see this camp in action.  she said she would like that.

We also worked together on a garage sale today and will tomorrow.  no arguing, no fighting, and no talking about the affair or divorce.  just conversation.  It felt good.
Val
Quote 0 0
alice22333
All those years knowing that he may have cheated on you must have been so painful. But if you are looking forward to life after he's gone, it may have been because you've accepted the fact that he will always be cheating on you no matter what. It's a good thing that you told him about how you feel though. Has he done anything to show that he is making an effort to improve the marriage? Go to a support group maybe, counselling? If you do however want to divorce him, make sure you know what you're getting into. There are plenty of tools online like this one: https://thistoo.co where they tell you what you need to be prepared for and how to split your assets. Don't walk into divorce without learning about it first. Best of luck dear. 
Quote 0 0