neslon Show full post »
Keepabuzz
Trinity wrote:


I kind of am still in that place.  If my WS died tomorrow, I would be very sad and mournful BUT to be honest..... the sadness and mourning I have gone through already,  brought on by his selfish betrayal ...  is immeasurable.... I'm not sure death can even compete with betrayal.  

Death - 1    Betrayal - 10000000000000000000

"T"



Exacly.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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anthropoidape
I have no wish for my WS to die and never did. I wished to die myself at times, very uncharacteristically for me. 

I do however agree with the idea that it would be easier to recover from the loss of a spouse due to death rather than being a victim of betrayal. They're not even close. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Kiki
I also told my husband I wish he were dead.  Right after D Day.

I have regretted that, but do agree that death would be easier to recover from.

Nelson, your comment that your daughter is struggling with the fact that her life has not changed much since her father’s death has really resonated with me.  My daughters have not been in any type of regular contact with their father for 8 months. They have seen him twice since he left. I have not seen him in 8 months.   Two of the girls say they dont miss him at all, that their life is very much the same as when he was in the affair. He was never around.
My fear is that one day they will regret this lost time, especially if a tragedy, like yours occurred. The sad part of my story is that my girls told me about the affair. I have tried to encourage a relationship and have even tried to give him advice but neither side listens to me. 
I live with this fear, disappointment and guilt (he blames me for the girls not talking to him) everyday.
Neslon, I admire your strength!! 
D-Day#1 Dec 19, 2017
D-Day#2 Jan 13, 2018
5 year “on/off affair”
Separated

Married 25 years, together 35
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neslon
Kiki wrote:


Nelson, your comment that your daughter is struggling with the fact that her life has not changed much since her father’s death has really resonated with me.  My daughters have not been in any type of regular contact with their father for 8 months. They have seen him twice since he left. I have not seen him in 8 months.   Two of the girls say they dont miss him at all, that their life is very much the same as when he was in the affair. He was never around.
My fear is that one day they will regret this lost time, especially if a tragedy, like yours occurred. The sad part of my story is that my girls told me about the affair. I have tried to encourage a relationship and have even tried to give him advice but neither side listens to me. 
I live with this fear, disappointment and guilt (he blames me for the girls not talking to him) everyday.
Neslon, I admire your strength!! 


kiki - know that the relationship of your daughters and their father  is theirs to fix.  Not yours.  They have to figure that out without you.  The most you can do is encourage and let go.  

Its also easier for their dad to blame you than the decisions he made and what he put them through.  Don’t take that on.  

I feel  like many ws think these affairs occur in a bubble that never touches others.  Lunacy.  So many kids are affected and families and friendships.   

I still struggle to understand why the affair and not just the divorce or separation.  It’s laughable when I hear the excuse of “I was trying to protect you.”   Yeah.  Jeez.  Thanks for that.
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anthropoidape
I was really struck by a case I once had of a father whose son at 16 simply refused to see him any more. The parents had been separated for a few years by then. As time had passed, the child began to see his history more clearly and the father could no longer rely on simply being the father to have a relationship with his child. In this case the son had pieced together and come to a mature understanding of the father's long-term abuse of the mother. The father was genuinely heartbroken but it was all self-inflicted. 


My point is that abuse tends to come home to roost sooner or later. I doubt very much that your daughters will regret their choices Kiki but in any event I am sure they will know that they are the ones making their choices, as their dad is making his. I think you can let go of that particular worry (and focus on all the others 😉 ). 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Kiki
Thank you for your responses.

It is so hard to see my girls suffer.  They have re-examined the last 6 years and have also come to understand what type of person their father really is. Absent and abusive. It is very sad to hear them talk so negatively about him.

’the father could no longer rely on simply being the father to have a relationship with his child”
Anthro, thank you for that.  I constantly say to my girls ‘because he is your father’.  They recently told me how much they dislike it when I say that.  I totally understand now.
D-Day#1 Dec 19, 2017
D-Day#2 Jan 13, 2018
5 year “on/off affair”
Separated

Married 25 years, together 35
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neslon
Another point that gets to me is the idea of “broken” - it’s a word I’ve come to hate.   My family is not broken not by my ws’s choices or his death.  My family is how I define it.  Currently it’s my 2 children, 3 dogs, and good friends.   But my kids are not broken.  My kids hate to be pitied and don’t we all?!?   

I was was reading some of the forum where people’s ws are with the AP currently.  And they are waiting around to complete their families.   My advice is you get to define that.  If your family is you and friends?  Or you and your children?  Do something that encourages it.  I had a friend take our pictures and I put them up on the wall.  I still have family pictures of the past up as my kids need that.  But it feels really good to see the present form of my family also.   
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