akd011
Here's my story & my struggle right now: All of my husbands affairs (that I have discovered so far happened in our first two years of marriage, but we had been together for 10-11 years (hs sweethearts) before that; so the affairs started 3 years ago) I am two months post Dday of finding out about an online affair (through his video games) my husband had. It lasted about 2 months and included flirting & naked photos sent & received. This affair happened during our 2nd year of marriage. While dealing with the aftermath of this affair, I kept searching for more. I just knew in my gut there was more. My husband then confessed about 3 weeks later to a 6 month physical affair he had with a coworker in our first year of marriage. This included multiple sexual encounters and flirting, but it was mostly a friendship with sex. He claims it was an escape from reality, she gave him attention & sex so it was an easy "no strings attached" relationship (FWB). We have been making progress with this affair. I have been so focused on this affair because it was more painful for me. I had been so focused on trying to understand it that I sort of put the online affair on the back burner. So one month post Dday of this physical affair (that really happened first in our marriage, they were discovered backwards) I had a better understanding of the how & why. I had uncovered the feelings behind his physical affair, had a better grasp on it. So while trying to dig back into the online affair, I do more searching. Sure maybe I shouldn't, but I am going to go with my gut when I feel there is more. And then I discover another female he flirted with online through his video games. This one seemed like just flirting and happened a month before the online affair that included the pictures. He admitted this one to me after me letting him know I found something else out. He "forgot" about this affair because it wasn't that significant to him. It never went to far past flirting and never was taken to the next level like the other online one. So first year of marriage (3 years ago) he had a 6 month physical affair with a co-worker. The 2nd year of marriage (2 years ago, 10 months after his first affair ended) he had two online affairs. This is all that I have discovered so far. I am still in shock to where I can't trust my "gut" right now to tell me if there is more. And I can't believe my husband period. He has been given so many opportunities to come clean & lay it all out for me, the truth about everything he's done. He has been pretty good throughout this process for me. Willing to do counseling (we have had one session so not much has been done there), willing to answer any & all questions, we talk 15 mins a night about his affair and he's seemed to be fairly honest about everything. But then I get hit with this. I have told him so many times throughout this process that if he doesn't want to loose his family, he needs to come clean. I am willing to forgive him for it all & work through it all now, but not later if I discover something else. When I gave him the opportunity to tell me anything he needed to he said there was nothing else physical so it had to be a flirtatious encounter he's had, then he magically "remembered" this other girl. He has admitted to having a problem. A problem with attention, a problem with escaping reality, perhaps being "bored" of our marriage. I feel stuck. I feel like I am going to discover there is more and I feel like I won't be able to trust him ever again. He is a serial cheater and I don't understand it. If he wasn't happy or wanted something "new or thrilling" because of boredom, or "more attention" from someone other than his wife, why did he even want to marry me or why stay married to me? I feel like I don't even know who I married. I love him and want our family, but I fear there's more women that he "can't remember" (because he says he buries everything) and that he has a real issue with commitment or intimacy. I don't know what to do from here. He says he wants to fix his problem, he wants our marriage to get better and he is willing to do whatever it takes. He seems sincere, but he has seemed sincere throughout this entire process. How do I know if its genuine or bs?? Doesn't he realize that he's hurting me worse by not coming clean about it all at once & sets us back to day one each time there is a new discovery? Does he think I am just not going to find out? 
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ABCOneTwoThree
He most definitely thinks you aren’t going to find out. 
I was married to a serial cheater for 10 years, in my opinion, the serial cheater and the “one time” cheater are completely different beasts. 
You may have to contend with the fact that you won’t ever know everything, and then you’ll have to decide, can you live with that? 
For my husband, every time we’d “reconcile” and things would “settle down” again, he’d start right back up. 
It always started online for him. There were many different apps he would use, he’d install them at work and uninstall them on the way home. Over the years he got scary good at hiding it. Every time I’d catch him in a lie, the next one would be even harder to uncover. 
He refused to confess to anything unless I had the evidence sitting right in front of me. And even then, he’d always try to downplay it “I was just bored, nothing happened”. There was one night I was at home alone with our then four year old, and I was having a miscarriage. He was out with his friend, and unbeknownst to me they were out acting as each other’s “wing men”. I found out about this the next day, they had gone to a party to hook up with a couple girls they knew, and ultimately my husband was turned down, he actually tried to get me to feel pity for him because he got rejected 🤢. 
The serial cheater almost never changes. Even if they stop sleeping with other people, they will always keep their secrets no matter what. 
I was the OW for nearly a year after leaving my husband, this man was also a serial cheater. His partner found out about me, but he refused to disclose anything else to her about the dozen or so other women he had had affairs with. She still doesn’t know, and likely never will. He even went so far as to blackmail me and threaten/intimidate me to make sure I kept my mouth shut about it. 
You’ll likely never know everything. I would say that he really needs to get help if you have any hope of reconciliation, therapy at a minimum. And make sure you follow through with your intentions. If you told him you’re out if more lies are discovered, you need to follow through with that in some way. I never followed through until the end (after ten years of this) and my husband knew I wasn’t going to follow through, my threats were always empty. 
This should go without saying, but I’ll say it anyway, this is absolutely not your fault, it has nothing to do with something you’re lacking, it has everything to do with HIM and something HE is lacking. 
Formerly EasyAsABC 
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akd011
I just wish my husband would come clean about it all. I wish I didn't have to continue to look. I shouldn't have to, if he wanted to really move forward he should come clean on his own, to help me build trust. But I see why they don't. I see why they think you will never know or if its not asked about then they aren't really "lying" because you didn't ask. But its still a form of deception. I'm just fed up and now not even sure if I should work to rebuild my marriage. I really don't know if I can move forward and be okay with never knowing the full truth. That would mean our marriage would be rebuilt on dishonesty & lies! How would that marriage work then? I'm sorry your husband continued to have affairs, that is so wrong! Thats a fear of mine. That if I did decide to move forward, even if he came clean about everything, that it would happen again because he didn't dig deep to get to the route of the problem. He says he wants to but only time would tell, so thats scary. I have come to realize since he's a serial cheater, that its not my fault. With this physical affair, I felt somewhat to blame because I didn't do my part as wife & helped contribute to a vulnerable marriage where an affair could take place. Although, I know deep down he had the choice to not engage in it. But the other two online ones just shows its something within himself & not for me! 
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ABCOneTwoThree
I don’t think anyone here can truly help you to decide what to do. We can share our insights and stories, but ultimately you’ll need to decide what you can live with. 
If you look around on here, and other places, I think you’ll see that most successful recoveries take place after affairs that include one person, one relationship. I think there’s a reason for that, when there’s multiple and indiscriminate partners, it’s harder to rebuild any trust. In a situation that already doesn’t allow for easy rebuilding of trust, multiple APs makes it near impossible.
None of us want to have to act like an overbearing parent to our spouses, having a marriage where I felt the need to constantly monitor my husbands activities was not an ideal situation for me. Instead of having to worry about him finding the “right” woman, I had to worry about him finding ANY woman that was willing to sleep with him. It was never about feelings, about being in love with someone else, it was simply that he needed to feel wanted on epic levels, by many women, it made him feel powerful and important. I could have been the perfect wife and it never would have been good enough because I’m only one person. 
I think those selfish and narcissistic qualities are shared among many serial cheaters. 
There were other reasons I stayed for so long - we have children together, he was abusive and controlling and I was scared to leave at times, and I didn’t think I could make it on my own financially.
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I will say that part of the lies may simply be due to his blurred boundaries, my ex husband often failed to disclose his “hunts” (when he’d scout online for willing women) if they were unsuccessful, even if I had evidence that that’s what he was doing. If he didn’t get any interest that particular time, it “didn’t count”. 
Formerly EasyAsABC 
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Keepabuzz
Akd00,

One affair or 30, absolutely ZERO of them are the BS’s fault in any way, shape, or form.. If your husband decided one day while you all were driving to steer the car onto a sidewalk, would you have responsibility because you were in the car? Or would he be 100% responsible for HIS decisions?
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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