Skelling
Tomorrow will mark one year of dday. I have been a mess all month but the closer that day inches the worse it gets. No matter what I try to push it away, it comes back x10. It almost feels like reliving the hell of last year. my body reacts the same way with shaking and nausea. All the old questions, the pain, the hurt, the feeling of betrayal, worthlessness, selfdoubt everything is so present again. I keep going back in my mind, questioning myself. What if I had picked up on that. What if I had called one more time. What if I had snooped his phone thoroughly? Could I have prevented or at least stopped it sooner? There are days, when I feel so broken, so sad and even angry at myself, that I allowed it to happen and then just took him back because he said sorry. There are days I feel like I lost all selfrespect and dignity and then all that anger and rage comes back, that I thought I had left behind all those weeks and months ago, which again makes me angry because I know we have come sooo far since last year. My husband and I both worked so hard on ourselves and when those feelings come up, its just like going back to square one. I know my husband regrets his choices and is deeply ashamed. I know he is putting in the work to figure out the whys and how to become the husband he wants to be and that I deserve. But why at that cost? Why did the price had to be so high? And why does it still hurt so darn much? I want my smile back.  I think I unerstand now what Keep said about that looming sadness, a part of me and my believe that forever was taken from me and how the heck do I get past that, despite all the good that came after?
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seventy7
Skelling - I am sorry for the pain that you are going through...but I promise, it does get easier. It doesn't go away, but it does get easier to manage. I am almost 2 years out, and the outline that Keep put on here before is pretty damn accurate: 
Year 1 - intense anger, sadness, wild mood swings...pretty much the worst year of my life
Year 2 - not as much anger. Easier to deal with triggers and not as many low's. With that said, when the lows do come around they are pretty bad.  
Year 3 - I am hoping what Keep said is true. I am hoping that I can begin to enjoy life again and continue MY healing

I emphasize my healing because I think I lost a little bit of that in year 2. In year 1, I was honestly just trying to survive. I focused on living 1 day to the next, focusing on myself and finding things that i wanted to live for. In year 2 there was a stronger focus on our marriage. I noticed that I was doing things for us, and not necessarily me. I know this is a fault of mine, I tend to just go with the flow of things, then end up either not enjoying myself or upset that i didn't put my "voice in the room". Don't get me wrong, i want to work on my marriage, but the most important thing at this time is YOU. I lost site of that a little.

I know the pain you speak of very well, the constant questioning, playing investigator, feeling broken, and alas the feeling that you caused all of this. Know this - you did not cause any of this and there is nothing that you could have done to prevent it. Your husband did not have enough guts to tell you how he was feeling, just like my wife didn't have the guts to tell me. Sure, us BS all play a role in what was broken in the marriage, but we did not cause this ******** mess. 

Please don't question yourself, instead be proud of yourself. Here you are, 1 year after hearing the worst news you could imagine, and you are still fighting for what you want. 
You will get your smile back...mine started to show itself during this second year of recovery. 
Male BS
D-Day 11/1/2017
It gets easier as time goes, but the pain never goes away
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ThrivenotSurvive
I second EVERYTHING Seventy7 said.  EVERYTHING.  The timeline - and the fact that it gets easier.  

Also, I'd like to point out that you and your husband are one of the only couples that have BOTH come on here.  He joined you in taking a very active approach to healing your marriage very early.  Because of that you have moved faster than a lot of couples.  Sometimes I think this can offer a false sense of security that we, as human, want to cling to.  We want a month of feeling good to mean that we won't ever feel bad again.  But unfortunately, as I have mentioned before, this healing seems to come in waves.  

My first DD anniversary was HELL.  And so was the first Christmas, Thanksgiving, Wedding Anniversary, etc. But the second year wasn't as bad.  This year, I actually FORGOT a few of the days that used to hurt me deeply (I just realized it responding to this post). And the others weren't a big deal.  

Now at over three years I am happy most of the time - genuinely.   And when uncomfortable feelings come up (and yes, even having come this far, they do still come up) my husband and I talk through them.  Because one of the little nuggets of good that came out of this steaming pile of crap was the fact that my husband has learned how to deal with emotions - his and other people's.  To not fear difficult discussions.  He now realizes that sometimes TALKING about something helps fix it - or at least allows you to work on it together.  

I can genuinely say we are closer now than we have ever been.  I don't think that has anything to do with me - it's all the changes in him - a new awareness of his own emotions and a comfort level in expressing them.  And in learning to accept his own emotions, he's now more accepting and understanding of everyone else's.  I don't know whether this will be the same for you and your husband, but I think you have a really good shot.  

Just don't confuse progress with being healed.  There will still be waves of these feelings over the next year - maybe more.  They just stay for less and less time and become less and less potent.  Until one day you realize it's been six months since the last time your were down for more than an afternoon  

Be gentle with yourself, Skelling.  And WSBob - if you are reading this - don't get frustrated or start worrying that all your efforts are going up in smoke.  This injury runs DEEP and takes a long time to heal.  So just be there for her, reminding her of your regret, and your hope and unwavering focus on your future together.  She needs YOU to be strong for her right now.  You failed her once - she needs to know that you never will again.  That you have learned exactly how precious what you have together is and will protect it - even when times like this hit.

So sorry you are struggling Skelling - sending 1000 virtual hugs.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Keepabuzz
Be gentle with yourself, Skelling.  And WSBob - if you are reading this - don't get frustrated or start worrying that all your efforts are going up in smoke.  This injury runs DEEP and takes a long time to heal.  So just be there for her, reminding her of your regret, and your hope and unwavering focus on your future together.  She needs YOU to be strong for her right now.  You failed her once - she needs to know that you never will again.  That you have learned exactly how precious what you have together is and will protect it - even when times like this hit. 


Absolutely this 👆👆

I will add this, I also had a really rough time with the build up to the first Anniversary of D-day. For weeks. But when the actual day came it wasn’t as bad as I had imagined it would be. The build up to it was far, far worse. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Skelling
Seventy, Thrive, Keep thank you all for your words. It is great to read the encouragement and genuine empathy. Its been a tough year and I am very grateful for the support and warm words I have found here. I suppose I can count myself "lucky" that my husband is putting in a lot and has a strong vision of our new marriage. So at times I feel guilty too, to even have those feelings and should be more grateful of the progress we are making, the person he is now instead of turning back and "dwelling" in the pain and getting stuck on who he was then.
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Keepabuzz
Skelling wrote:
Seventy, Thrive, Keep thank you all for your words. It is great to read the encouragement and genuine empathy. Its been a tough year and I am very grateful for the support and warm words I have found here. I suppose I can count myself "lucky" that my husband is putting in a lot and has a strong vision of our new marriage. So at times I feel guilty too, to even have those feelings and should be more grateful of the progress we are making, the person he is now instead of turning back and "dwelling" in the pain and getting stuck on who he was then.



NEVER, NEVER EVER EVER EVER FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING HURT! You have ZERO blame in this. Whenever you feel like that, remind yourself who should be feeling guilty and ashamed. I know that is easy to say, and much harder to do.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ThrivenotSurvive
I completely 1000000000% percent agree with Keep.  I struggled with the same feelings that you have - because my husband WAS making such an effort, at times I'd start to find fault with myself for not being "over it".   

But here's the thing - at the end of the day you were still harmed DEEPLY.  Just because they are owning that harm and trying to repair the damage doesn't magically heal it in some prescribed amount of time.  And this ISN'T a backslide.  It's a natural, normal part of the healing process.  Just let yourself feel it - and when you are ready (whenever that is), move past it.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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midwestgirl
I second what everyone here has already said! Like Keep, I had built up the 1st year anniversary of Dday in my head and it was really, just a day.  My WH and I went out and we truly had a fun eve (ComicCon was going on so we had lots of great character watching). So, I would suggest, let yourself just have the day/night and try not to put too much on the actual date of Dday. You have been driving the bus on your recovery...drive it right through Dday. I'm not saying ignore it just don't let it take on a life of its own.

I am trying to not let the dates of my WH's affair hold power over me. I am aware of them, but they have less and less of a stranglehold over me. I don't rightly know if this is due to the passage of time, our work to make our marriage a better/stronger one, or the combo of the two. But whichever, it is working its healing balm over me (most of the time,  not all of the time). 

Speaking of dates, our 2 yr. Dday is coming up in just a few weeks. I am aware of it, but so far, not upset and counting the days off the calendar. Who knows, maybe ComicCon is back in town.

Skelling, I wish you and your husband the very best. You, and all of us, could use generous doses of love, joy, trust, and all that good stuff...stuff that I used to cavalierly take for granted.

BS, Dday 9/2017
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BorealJ
I hope you're having a better day than anticipated.  If not, by next week you'll be well into your second year of recovery.  Good for you for being strong and pursuing yourself through all of this.  2 years since dday is this weekend for me.  It's easier than a year ago.  I trust in the journey now.  Last year I marked the anniversary as a passing of time that was lost as I had hoped (unrealistically) to be so much further along by then. In retrospect, lots happened in that first year that I am thankful for.  This year, I plan to look back at the last year and see what was accomplished in that time and allow that to help me picture the progress awaiting me in the coming year. 
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Skelling
Boreal thank you very much for checking on in. That is very sweet. You guys were right. I woke up this morning and it wasn't any more intense than other days so I told myself, I will try an give that day a shot. My husband offered to stay home from work and I gladly took him up on that. We went for a nice walk with the dog and dropped kids off together and then enjoyed the morning over coffee. He ha to work a little from home but I had arranged for our youngest to participate in toy testing at a toy store, so when he came home around lunch, I took him there and my husband worked during that time, so he would be done, when I came back. When the older kids are home, we will go and play tennis and may even enjoy the afternoon at the pool as a family. We also had mc last night, which was HUGELY helpful and we went out for a drink afterwards. Once again everyone thank you so much for taking the time to write the comforting and encouraging words, I can't say enough how much of a help you all are.
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Skelling
Midwestgirl,
I think you said something really important about taking stuff for granted. I think that plays a big role for me as well, because I feel hugely guilty and ashamed about that and know that I am not free of that and contributed to the problems in our marriage. I think I just have to try and separate that from feeling guilty "causing" the affair.
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midwestgirl
Your comment has made me think. I thought I had worked in our marriage pre Affair to keep it loving, spicy, and fun. But I admit, I was comfortable....we were comfortable...and probably a bit lazy when it came to 'us'. I NEVER IN A MILLION years thought ....affair. Well, I was certainly wrong on that one. I will tell you this, neither one of us are lazy now. 

Please, oh please, do not feel guilty about 'causing' the affair. Life happens...you cannot sustain a 'honeymoon' marriage forever. Yes, we have worked to make our relationship more connected again, but please...it saddens me when I see you write.:"feeling guilty about 'causing' the affair. NO, NO, NO! Adults talk about problems, they don't go 'pick up their balls (no pun intended) and go play somewhere else' when they get mad, sad, or feel left out. 

To Your Health! To All of Our Health!
BS, Dday 9/2017
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ThrivenotSurvive
So well said @midwestgirl !
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Skelling
Midwestgirl,
thank you so much. Yes thats def. something I need to work on for myself. In mc we talked a lot about my childhood and that from a very early age my mother used to make us kids feel guilty for our actions. (She would punish us by not talking to us, withdrawing affection and simply ignoring us, when we over and over apologized)So this is very much engrained in me. i have no idea how often I heard. "Think about how that makes me feel or how can you be so selfish...." The problem is that I then fled into my own little world and I think never really gave that up. And when I got together with my husband, I found my prince charming, who rescued me from the evil witch and we would live happily ever after.... And for a long time we did. Looking in from the outside, we had the perfect life. But keeping up a fantasy world and making everything fit into this world and everything can't be anything short of perfect, is very exhausting. So I believe, when I had my miscarriage and after that giving birth to a baby with special needs, I had to even work harder to keep up my world and my husband struggled to fullfill my excpectations. don't get me wrong he tried, just not the way I needed him to. And with the affair, I think that fantasy worl finally collapsed in million tiny pieces like the broken glass shoe. So there is a lot of work ahead of me but I do struggle especially when it comes to the affair. When we first started talking about the whys, my husband told me he felt he couldn't never do anything right and nothing was ever good enough and when my expectations are so hgh, how could he not feel like that.  And when we argued throughout the past year, it would come up a few times, which made me feel like the tiny girl again, who just wanted to be loved by her mother and I would feel incredibly guilty to make my husband feel that way and all I heard was when you do x,y and z how can I not feel like running to another woman and do what I did. As I sai mC yesterday was very good and we were able to talk about that and find strategies but most of all realize not to personalize the feeling the other one has but accept it as such, their feeling and they own that not me AND he is not my mother AND I got to stop living in a disney movie. Long road but I feel more confident today. 🙂
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midwestgirl
Skelling...don't you worry....we are all working on stuff - our past, our present.  That is both the beauty and the problem of it all. We get to stretch, grow, change...but then we have to do the work to get us there. But all of us are doing that in some way, shape, or form. We are all here...right? We aren't here because things are perfect, that's for certain. Being on this site helps us learn from others, their situations and actual lives. Even when my own scenario doesn't mimic someone else's ....I often find words of wisdom or words of caution. Sometimes,  the postings make me feel more resolute in my feelings about all of the pain and doubt that an affair brings to the table. At other times, the postings make me hopeful to where and how I want to live my life in these years to come. And sometimes, the postings just make me sad, so sad that people are in so much pain.

Being here on this site has clearly helped me. But I think there will  come a time when my growth will have to come from looking forward and no more glances back. Maybe that isn't possible for me, but I am hopeful.

I keep trying to remind myself that I am driving my bus!

BS, Dday 9/2017
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