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UrbanExplorer
Wc59 wrote:

I have always felt that if you aren't doing something you know is wrong or suspicious then why hide it. To me because it is a cell phone doesn't grant it special rights to privacy. When we all had land lines the phone was usually in the most accessible part of the house and it was always suspicious if the phone was taken to a more private part of the house for a conversation. Begging  the question why/who were you taking to in the basement, garage, bathroom...pick a location.




To me, it's actually a big deal. I allow my husband access because I need to do so after my affair in order to build trust, but in any other circumstance, it would be one of the largest boundary violations someone could do to me. I once ended a dating relationship after I let a college boyfriend stay in my apartment and he went through my things. I am introverted and need privacy and control of my belongings.
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Heidi
I am totally open with my phone too. Not because I have anything to hide, but because I think it sends out a good message to my teenagers that we should all be open in our communications. Hiding things with my WH started at an early age. I don't want them to think it's normal to be secretive and hide.
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UrbanExplorer
I'm not saying you should not expect transparency from your WS, because you should. I am saying that's a high cost behavior, not a low cost behavior, for some people even if they are not hiding anything.
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Dirazz
I've always told my employees back in the day don't put anything on an email that your not ok with anyone seeing it. There's no such thing as privacy on social media. My husband and I are 1 in Gods eyes so we have to be willing to share everything. No secrets anymore in our house! I just won't put up with it. That's one of my boundaries l.
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Heidi
I hear you. And for me it's a low cost behaviour. But I truly fear for our kids. Phones have wreaked enough havoc in our lives, and for the most part we grew up without them. Unless we model behaviours that lead to openness, how will they learn that secrets from parents and then later spouses can lead to trauma and unhappiness?

It's something that worries me a lot. They're the first generation who have grown up with this technology, and I fear for them.
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UrbanExplorer
I think for people who have previously been in a controlling or abusive relationship, it can be a very difficult thing to have no privacy. And for good reason. It gets down to the core of self-preservation and autonomy for us.
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Heidi
Even from your kids? Mine know the code to my phone, and my daughter has her thumbprint on here too. But again, I've never had an issue with privacy so maybe I'm the unusual one?
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Wc59
I can understand for some where it would be a high cost behavior as I grew up in a household were there was no privacy. I think though that is one of the challenges of marriage learning how to be open and honest with another individual. I also believe that is why when an afffair happens it hurts so profoundly, the person you have been most open and honest with hasn't been that way with you.

Urban - from reading so many of your posts, as a BS I have to give you kudos for all of the things you have done to rebuild trust in your relationship. I know for me if my WS did half of what you've done I might not been on this forum now.
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Angrywife
Yes Urban I too respect all of your efforts in your marriage. If my WH would be as open as you I think we would be a lot farther. I don't think he's hiding or talking to her, and I don't want to go through his phone. I did a lot at first. But I would like to know he wouldn't mind if I did bc he had nothing to hide. He does use his phone a lot for work as he is on call a lot so I understand that. But he's not getting that it's such an issue for me, bc it was the source of a lot of his betrayal. But kudos to you urban and thank you for all of your invaluable insight.
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blythespirit
Wc59 wrote:
I think though that is one of the challenges of marriage learning how to be open and honest with another individual. I also believe that is why when an afffair happens it hurts so profoundly, the person you have been most open and honest with hasn't been that way with you


^^^ Thank you for this. I haven't been able to put my finger on what it was/is about being cheated on that makes it so painful and I think that, for me definitely, this is exactly why. I like the way you put it. Being vulnerable with another person is scary enough as it is. Being repeatedly deceived and lied to by the person you trusted to do that with is a blinding shock and trauma on one's soul.
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blythespirit
Not to be melodramatic or anything!
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Angrywife
Agreed! Wish there was a like button [smile]
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