I don't post very often as my life is a bit topsy turvy since learning of the affair, which was this last December (he told me himself).
I didn't have a clue about the affair, which is probably because we lived separately due to the military. Our marriage wasn't perfect and I had been suffering from depression for a long time due to some pretty traumatic events in our lives. I'd been going to individual therapy to work through a lot of my own stuff so I could feel better and move on. In any case, his affair was purely sexual and lasted about 2 weeks and there was quite a bit of time in the fog (another two weeks I would say, which I know for some of you isn't a long time but it felt like an eternity to me). However, from what I understand from both of them, the affair was actually already over. She ended it and told him to go "sort his head out."
In any case, he spent time away at his barracks and realised that he'd made a huge mistake and decided he wanted to save our marriage. This is what I wanted from the beginning but I spent a lot of time focused on him to help him navigate why he did what he did and the like. I didn't take much time to really focus on myself. I was devastated and am still picking up the pieces but as this behaviour was so out of character for him, I focused on him. We have been in counselling and they are no contact and he has no desire to contact her. Our physical relationship has started again and it is good except for when the AP shows up in my head. This bit is only happening to me and has started to be a regular occurrence. I've spoken to my husband about this and other fears and worries that I have. He is kind, understanding, and fairly compassionate. He is really trying. Now he has been posted to another area; however, this time I have joined him because our house has been declared unsafe by our local authority and we are suing our neighbours to repair an ongoing issue that has damaged our house to a huge extent.
I have major issues with being a military wife and he was due to leave, which is why we bought that house. However, the issues with the house have kept him in longer than either of us wanted. Now, I am living in a horrible area (it is a dump) and I work from home. I've been ripped away from the life I knew, and for the most part loved, and I feel very adrift. I feel a lot of shame for staying with him and trying to make this work. He has what he wants: his wife and dogs with him full-time but I feel like I've just sacrificing everything. We've been in the new place for nearly two weeks and I've done my best to make it feel like home but it just isn't. This is hopefully very temporary so I'm hesitant to build a life I'll just be ripped away from. I'm lonely. He is doing what he can to rebuild this marriage but I feel like it isn't enough. I feel like I've sacrificed what happiness I had (although, I do realise that I have no control because of our house situation and that bothers me even more) and am now living exactly the life I never wanted for myself. I feel like I am going through the motions. My heart isn't in this but it isn't totally out of it either. He seems happy and content and I just want to rage and throw things. But I don't.
In the last few days, I've felt myself withdraw. I don't text him during the day because I just don't have anything to say. I don't say or do much to connect in the evenings when he is home. It just feels like too much work. I'm miserable. I don't know if it is the marriage, the new circumstances I find myself in, or general apathy. Or perhaps, all of it. I know I constantly worry about what his friends that know think of me. Do they think I deserved it? That I was a horrible wife or a horrible person in general? Am I being an idiot for staying?
I find myself fantasising about being single and free. Not about dating as that just seems horrible but rather being free to make my own choices and to feel like I'm living the life I chose rather than the life that has been chosen for me by forces outside my control.
I also don't even look at him the same anymore. He used to be my safe space. The one I turned to when times got really tough. Now, he's what caused the worst thing in my life right now. I don't trust him.
I desperately want to forgive him as I know he isn't a horrible person. I know he made a mistake and I can see his humanity. Yet, I don't think I can stay. Right now, staying feels like saying what he did was okay. There are no consequences for him. Just for me. I have to feel worthless, disrespected, unattractive, and unloveable. He is trying to make me feel the opposite of that but it just doesn't feel right. The counsellor told me to "fake it until I make it" but I just don't work that way. I need to feel like I am working towards something better but all I feel right now is empty. Adrift. Lost.
He is doing the right things and I am so sad that it isn't enough for me. Maybe I am just one of those people who can't stay once the damage is done. I'm usually so forgiving, empathetic, and compassionate. But with this issue, I can have all the empathy and compassion in the world (and I actually do) but it isn't helping me. It is just leaving me empty. Maybe it is way too early in all of this for me to consider cutting and running but right now, that is what feels right.