strength1

I’m not sure how to proceed.  H wants to go to couples therapy, first session is in a couple of days.  But he is not able to confirm to me that the affair is totally over.  WS is currently out of the country for some months but I know he still chats to her via Whatsapp most days (perhaps more briefly than before).   He’s just no able to talk about it and tells me to forget about her.  

Is there any value in going to couples therapy as long as she’s still even remotely in the picture?  I feel like he’s keeping her on the backburner, and if so, I don’t see how couples therapy can work.  I want him to be “in it to win it”. Anyone with experience of this?

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anthro
No, it is too soon. Even after NC it is a while before there's any point. It could easily do more harm than good and if I were you I would decline. He is welcome to get therapy on his own of course. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Vanessa
IF AP is in the picture AT ALL, your relationship is not going to move forward - let him go to IC, but Couples counseling at this time is a waste of your time.
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ThrivenotSurvive
I agree with the comments above.  There is little to no benefit to have marriage counseling right now.  I think you'd both be better served by Individual Counseling.  When and if, he can confirm and prove that his relationship (emotional and physical) has ended AND has worked through enough of his stuff that he can talk about all these huge issues with transparency, compassion and no defensiveness - then marriage counseling might make more sense.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Firebird

I agree with what others have said here. I went to couples counseling with my WP and wasted 4-5 months in couples counseling before DDay #2. Immediately after DDay #2, he wanted to continue couples counseling but I said no. I saw no point in continuing counseling with someone who was actively lying to the therapist and me during counseling.

For now, we’re both focusing on IC. His IC this past month has lead him to realize that the affair has everything to do with the good feelings and validation he got from it, rather than facing up to his own shortcomings (we have been physically separated 1.5 years) and the trauma repair he needed to do to heal our relationship (from abusive past). 

I still don’t know what I want out of this relation-sh*t so am focusing on me for now, tolerating his presence and seeing two different individual therapists.

I think now would be a good time, as stated above, to see individual therapists. 

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Fionarob
My ex husband and I went to counselling for several months before I found out he was still having the affair.  He was lying to me and to our counsellors the whole time, and we spent a lot of money in the process.

Although the counselling obviously didn't help to repair our marriage, it did actually help me to walk away from my ex.  It made me realise a lot of things that maybe I was trying to deny (he would never end the affair, he wanted both of us, I wasn't a priority and neither were our children, he could lie to ANYONE to continue to get what he wanted, he thought the problem was with me - once I was 'fixed' he thought he would be able to end the affair......I could go on...)

You could wait until you know for sure that he has absolutely no contact with the AP anymore - but when do we ever really know this for sure?  Or you could go to IC. However, if he is still in contact with her, I would question whether he actually thinks he needs counselling?  Does he not realise he is still damaging your marriage by messaging her?? He sounds like my ex who didn't believe the problem was with him, he thought I was the one who needed counselling and then everything would be fine.

Or you could go to couples counselling, but more with a view to understanding where you are at right now, rather than beginning the work of marriage healing.  It might reveal a few things to both of you that make a difference to how you move forward.

I suppose what it comes down to is what do you hope to achieve from the counselling?
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Littlebylittle
I absolutely agree with everyone who responded. My situation is very similar. Told WS to end all contact after DDay, he didn't. I wanted to reconcile and go to couples counseling,  he didn't. Found out 4 months later he was still very much in a relationship with OW, saying he loves her, planning trips and making promises. I asked for separation and divorce,  he talked me out of it 3 times,  asking me to wait for him to decide if he could stay in our marriage. He also asked me to do couples counseling then to move me off of my divorce request. It worked. I organized 2 counseling sessions,  they were both terrible,  so painful to hear him say how he feels about her vs me and he admitted he still has a relationship with her and lies to me. He even said I forced him to go to counseling. So we're not going again,  I will probably return to individual counseling. I am finally trying to get organized and brave enough to leave him. I can see he's never going to be good for me,  treat me right or put my needs above his. He loves her and left our marriage many years ago. 

It took me 8 months to get this far, 8 terrible months of tears and devastation. If he has continued connection with OW, he's still having an affair. I am not willing to live with that even though I know divorce is going to be hard on my kids. 

Good luck to you. I wish you light at the end of this difficult time. 

BS Female. DD April 26, 2019. 2 kids. 
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Vanessa
Little - so sorry you are here - I want to tell you it DOES get better - my biggest regret is not leaving sooner. 
Full disclosure it was SO HARD - I am still sad, but it is better to be sad alone than sad with a liar
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