I am looking for some advice on how you all are coping with an ongoing affair. And, how can you manage to communicate with your WS about the basics - the house, kids, etc. - in the midst of their affair fog and your own bitterness and anger.
My husband began an affair two months ago with one of his direct report employees – a woman who is married, lives at home with her husband (who knows she’s cheating) and their kids. My WS is the third married man with whom she has cheated on her husband. The last time was just a year ago. My WS adamantly swears they have not slept together yet, but have held hands, kissed, etc. I discovered the affair via texts on his phone about one month ago. I told him he had to leave. He is staying with friends.
I feel like their relationship has little future due to each of their circumstances, but also because my husband has genital herpes and she doesn’t. He tells me he’s told her about it, and she has said: “Well, we’re not anywhere near that point (sex) so let’s not worry about it now.” I find it hard to believe with her past that she would take the risk of contracting it. And if the relationship won't move past a certain point, they may tire of it. I feel like there’s a good chance she’s stringing him along and using him as a past time to avoid her own issues. Am I just being naïve about their future together?
I wholeheartedly believe I could forgive my WS and trust him again in time and with a lot of work. But he tells me he loves her, doesn’t love me anymore, and doesn’t want to be married. He is text book affair fog. But sometimes I feel like I get mixed signals from him. He still wears his wedding rings. He has told me he is interested in counseling so we can learn how to better talk to each other about the kids, house, etc – but not about saving our marriage. On that point he says, “I’m not there.”
We both hate that we can barely talk to each other and we don’t want to constantly fight. On the subject of counseling for strictly communication purposes, I can’t do it. Since the affair is still happening, it makes me so angry. The in-progress betrayal of it all is too much for me. But there is part of me that wonders if he wants this “communication” based counseling in order to open the door to address the problems between us. But I have a feeling it's just wishful thinking on my part. I also wonder if it would help pull him out of the fog. Again... wishful thinking. If the affair ended, I would feel totally different about it.
I’m wondering how other BS dealt with their WS’s affair while it was in progress. And, have you ever heard of counseling just to communicate? I also want to know if there is any significance to him still wearing his ring. I wonder if there is a part of him that wants me to keep the door open but can’t admit it to himself.
I welcome any perspective you can offer.